Sad and angry

11 years ago

My friend was killed in a head on car collision this week. She and her small daughter were in the car, when a 20 year old kid lost control of the car and veered into the other lane. Her daughter was injured but will be okay. The police report claims that a wet road was a factor. My friend was a sweet and positive person, a fantastic mom, very caring and giving.

Today while ruminating on the accident I looked up the Facebook page of the person who hit her, it's public. Their page has photos of them wearing a hat that says "naked Wasted". Comments that they are selling an old water pipe. Comments saying, "hey, here's a picture of my kid, I'm not a great parent I guess, but she's cute, huh" .

I don't know, if it was just some average kid that made a mistake , then I'd be able to wrap it up in my head a little, and say " how tragic" but it just seems so wrong. So wrong that that person erased my friend. I want to send them a letter and tell them they need to live a little better, try hard to fill the hole they left in the world.

Just can't make it make sense.

Sort by:Oldest

Comments (20)

allison0704
11 years ago
I"m sorry for the loss of your friend. The thoughts you are having are normal, and FB really makes it easy for everyone to find out about the private lives of others. The police will be looking at it too. I hope it was a tragic accident and that drugs and/or alcohol are not involved.

My paternal grandmother and her sister with with my parents at our place in Destin. They had gone to the beach after dinner for a walk. They were both hit crossing the street after their walk. I won't go into details other than to say my great aunt lived (with injuries) but my grandmother passed away the next day. Even though the sunset and the beach/ocean coming into view were to blame (and not alcohol or drugs), I was angry. She was a healthy almost 78yo woman that had been a huge part of my life and she had many more years to live. It was 18 years ago, but sometimes it feels like just yesterday.

When something comes so far out of left field, it's really hard to grasp it. It seems like a bad dream. You're numb. It doesn't make sense. She was just here after all!

It's going to take you awhile to feel better. Normal. To not stop yourself when you feel a smile coming on or hear laughter coming from within. Allow yourself to cry and scream all you want. Be angry. Be sad. Ask why as often as you'd like, just know you won't get an answer. And know that it will never make sense.

The letter sounds like a good idea to write down your feelings and what you would like to say to the person, but I do not suggest mailing the letter. Or better yet, write a letter to your friend, about the good times you shared and what she meant and will continue to mean to you. Maybe it can be buried with her.

(((hugs)))
bestyears
11 years ago
Oh kiki, what a terribly sad and tragic event for your friend, for you, and for all of her friends and family. I'd be angry too. In fact, I AM angry, and of course I don't even know her. This is horrible. I don't know what to say except that I'm so sorry....
Related Discussions
An update on Brad
Q
Comments (29)
My niece has Crohns and has been a deaths door many times. Massive hemoraging, in constant pain, can't eat etc. If he is being advised to have the colostomy tell him to do it!! My niece was in denial also and wouldn't have the surgery...years later and oh so many surgeries she is now no longer a candidate as they have removed so much so much bowel etc. She has far too much scar tissue. If she has a major flare up no one knows what will happen. She has had several sessions of remicade and none helped. Years and years of various medications etc.,she is a walking skeleton, old long before her time and angry/bitter at the cards she has been dealt. She knows of others who had the colostomy and did so much better than she has done. Your friends son is in my prayers.
...See More
The Oil Spill... So Frustrated, Sad, Angry.... Video
Q
Comments (14)
Lulie wayne, it's so good to see you post. I've been thinking about you lately for some reason. This whole BP thing is a disaster. I've been mad since day one since nothing seems to be happening except blotched attempts to save the oil well, nature be damned. It's way past time for BP to get off their throne and do something constructive. And another thing that ticks me off is the shrimp and fishermen are prepared to go out and clean the marshes but the EPA and Coast Guard are keeping them from it. (I just heard that on the news tonight.) I think Louisiana should take a page out of Arizona's book and just do it themselves like they would like to. Geez, think this upsets me?????
...See More
angry at new etch/stain
Q
Comments (31)
This post is also for people who asks for updated/LIVED-IN/2years of well-used marble countertop. My VT Danby gets plenty of etches, and yes, you can see many of them, in daylight or evening. -- It's almost been a year, and I finally got a chance to share pix of the etch. The stain is gone, and i think the etch is ~5% less harsh/obvious. But it all looks great under some pretty tulips. :) New story: Went to bed after hosting a party (see pix above: DH mixing chocolate martini). DH rinsed out the wine glasses and placed them on the countertop (one DW was running, and the other was drying all the pots/pan/knives). Well, this morning, I found one glass with wine ring. I started to get all crazy about it, but after a quick wipe with water/paper towel, the wine "stain" is gone. I love my marble sealant. Reminds me that I should reseal soon. (I think it's this one: recommended by GW users: Miracle Sealants PLUS PT SG 511 Porous Plus Penetrating Sealer) Amanda
...See More
Our marriage is failing
Q
Comments (12)
Dear all, Thank you for your thoughtful comments. I know I wrote a long post, but mkroopy, I do not expect everyone would understand my position in a short post. Thank you Sylviatexas, Readinglady and Justmetoo. You have been very understanding. In explanation to my position : 1. Before I got married, my parents had warned me that is anything were to happen (Inter-racial marriages in my country had boast issues like this before) I am not to return home crying when my marriage fail. I know my parents loved me and meant well, they only warned me of what would happen and they were absolutely right. but they are now retired, I cannot bear to burden them with my issues. If I am to find money, it will be on my own responsibility. 2. Like I mentioned above, by Muslim law, a wife can only divorce her husband for several reasons. You can refer to this : "Men have the right to divorce. If a man dislikes keeping his marriage for any reason, he divorces his wife and compensates her financially by paying her what is termed mut'a payment. This is in addition to the regular financial sustenance for her living, in case she has the custody of their children. Divorce becomes in effect once the husband utters or writes down any of the legal formulae of divorce such as: �I divorce you� or �you are divorced��etc. The husband can do these either by himself or through a messenger. In case it is the woman's desire to end the marriage, the situation becomes different. Her reasons might be that she has received ill treatment, the husband is unable to sustain her financially or he is sexually impotent. She can prove these defects in front of the judge, then the judge grants her divorce with a full access to all her financial rights. Also, if the husband was good to her but she does not want to keep on for an emotional reason, then she asks for what is termed khul'. This means to be granted divorce but without any access for financial rights, plus paying back the husband the dowry that he already paid on marrying her." I have made it clear to my husband that I don't want anything from him if he divorces me, but it seems like he is smart, he knows I won't be able to find a reason to divorce but for emotional reasons. I'm sure do hope that I'm wrong; I hope he doesn't want my money, after all his late wife did leave some for him. I am just like a pawn, I am only to suffer in a position where there is nothing I can do. 3. To Justmetoo, the solution you proposed was exactly what I did. Like I mentioned above, after my parents told me to ignore her coz eventually she will leave, I did exactly that. I ignored her. I stopped whatever I did before ie.plates to the dishes, pick up your mess, ask for permission first, spend your money wisely, you don't need another concert etc, MY HUSBAND DEEMED ME UNCARING. And again I say, I had established an understanding that I am not going to do anything anymore to make it better with her, unless she starts to do so herself. This are how things are now, she doesn't need my permission for anything, and in fact even if she does ask me, it is because she was told to by her father. And even if she did, it was, "I'm going out now, Ok Annie?" or "I'm going to borrow the bathtub, OK?" or "Can you send me to my friend's house later?" I know because her father asks her to do so, she knows I was the one who made the changes in the first place, so she behaves worst. 4. About her mother's things, you are terribly right. It was definitely my fault for clearing up the things. I just couldn't bear to live in the bedroom, which is the house under he name willed to the daughter (we are moving out sometime in 2013, AT LAST =( ) with no where to put my things. I felt really not at peace living here, everywhere I look it was just her possessions and reminders of her. Like I said, my Husband seemed very ignorant about how I felt. He had in fact mentioned I didn't know her and had no rights to hate her. She cheated on him and I didn't, I still don't understand why I get treated as if I was the one who did him wrong. I hate her terribly, It was because of what she did, that my husband is bitter and refused to clear up the mess. It was his responsibility and he dutifully neglected it and left me with the bitter consequences. I was told that the daughter was not very close to the parents. In fact, with both working adults and one spending too much time with someone else, a lot of things were left to other people to be responsible for. The maid handles a lot of things and she was given all she wanted so she wouldn't whine and cause troubles to her parents. Most definitely, I read her blog and she wrote that "my mum bullies me and don't support me" and "I didn't cry when mummy died." In fact, there wasn't an issue at all, until I came in the house. God knows what did she realize, but I doubt she appreciated her mother much until she realized someone else became the new woman in the house. The only thing I can think of now, is to live like nothing happened. Ignorance is not my forte, my blood boils to see her mess and her unthoughtful attitude about eating her share of food at home. It's makes me terribly sad that my husband says I don't care for either of them. I would have to save up my money wisely, study hard and start building a better life for myself in the future. Meanwhile, I would just have to take everything thrown at me. PS : My husband has mentioned in the past the one thing he wont tolerate is cheating and that consents a divorce. I can't do that, and even if I faked it, the bad would just be reflected on me. My husband is very smart of pretending like everything is beautiful and on cloud 9 in front of people. No one would believe of his character or assume something is wrong with our marriage.
...See More
bestyears
11 years ago
Oh kiki, what a terribly sad and tragic event for your friend, for you, and for all of her friends and family. I'd be angry too. In fact, I AM angry, and of course I don't even know her. This is horrible. I don't know what to say except that I'm so sorry....
SunnyCottage
11 years ago
Kiki, I am so very, very sorry for the loss of your dear friend. May you find comfort in her memory, and may her positive light continue to shine in your life.

Allison, my heart goes out to you as well. I can only imagine what a shock it must have been to have your family so devastated like that.
golddust
11 years ago
I am soo sorry. Such sad news... Her poor daughter. I'm hoping for justice, if there is any to be had. What a crying shame.
gsciencechick
11 years ago
Oh gosh, I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your friend.

We had a similar story here three years ago. A faculty member from my university and her toddler daughter were leaving their subdivision on their way to choir practice when she was hit by a car who was drag-racing another. The racers were going 100 mph, and with the poor sight lines, she never had a chance. Both of them were killed, plus a teen boy in the car who hit them. The driver had picked up his step-brother and his friend from a local amusement park and were just getting a ride home. The friend died, but had he lived he would have been a quadriplegic. Totally senseless.

The car who hit them was driven by a 20-year-old guy, who did seem very remorseful about it by the mugshot and the trial pictures. He only got about 5 years in prison. OTOH, the other car drag racing who didn't hit them was driven by a 45-year-old woman who had 15 speeding tickets! I can have some minimal sympathy for youthful stupidity not thinking through consequences, but I have none for this this woman. She just entered an Alford plea the other day for involuntary manslaughter, 3 years later. She got a sentence of 32 to 40 months for contributing to the deaths of three people. No justice at all.
yayagal
11 years ago
Kiki, you have my complete sympathy, it's all so senseless and tragic. I've experienced a similar situation with my very best friend and I have visited the awful anger and grief. It's a singular voyage and a bumpy one at that. You'll never forget her. In time you'll smile and life will go on. Sending love.
yayagal
11 years ago
Kiki, you have my complete sympathy, it's all so senseless and tragic. I've experienced a similar situation with my very best friend and I have visited the awful anger and grief. It's a singular voyage and a bumpy one at that. You'll never forget her. In time you'll smile and life will go on. Sending love.
graywings123
11 years ago
I think you should write the letter and send it to the driver or his lawyer. Getting your thoughts down on paper will help you, and sending it may even help the driver.
tinam61
11 years ago
I'm very sorry for your loss Kiki. What you are feeling is completely normal and part of the grief process.

At this point I wouldn't recommend contacting the driver. Not until you have all the facts. If I understand correctly, you don't know if he was under the influence, if he just lost control or what. Writing things down may help you though. My thoughts are with you. Such a loss.

tina
dedtired
11 years ago
There is no sense here. Lives lost and ruined because of thoughtless, careless stupidity. Seeing the FB page makes it worse. I have been feeling horrible this week because of an incident that happened a couple years ago. My son had a girlfriend about 15 years ago. They were rather serious but she called it off. After that, she seemed to get involved with a different sort of crowd. She did get a very good job and comes from a very nice family who love her dearly. Once she started hanging with this more "party hardy" crowd, she began drinking. I guess it got out of control and she got a couple DUIs. Then, she was drinking and got in an awful accident, her fault. The young man driving the other car died. She has been in jail since then, waiting for her sentencing. She was just sentenced to another three years in jail. I do believe she deserves to serve the time, but my heart breaks for her and her family. She started out as a nice, funny girl from a good family, with a college degree and a bright future.

I looked for her FB page and sadly it is public and shows her at parties and on vacation enjoying herself. There is nothing really offensive, but if I were the family of the man who died, I would be furious, seeing her living her life. She will be about 44 when she gets out of prison. She has plenty of life to live that her victim never will.

My heart breaks for all involved in this senseless loss of life. Thank God your friend's daughter was spared, but how sad that she will now be motherless all her life.
anele_gw
11 years ago
I am so sorry for all of your losses . . .hard enough when someone dies, but to die suddenly makes it more so, and harder still when it was caused by another person and preventable. It's senseless.

I am also very angry about reckless driving. I wonder how we can get the message across to people that their actions are life-threatening . . .though it seems like the reckless drivers are never the ones who die? I wonder how many problems would be avoided if people developed a strong sense of empathy early on.

I don't know if you believe this and if it helps, but I will share . . . I took a philosophy of religion class during which we studied near death experiences. We had a speaker come, and he said that instead of his life being "flashed in front of his eyes," he relived his life from the perspective of everyone ELSE he affected. In other words, all of the sorrow, pain, and joy he brought to others, he experienced as though it were happening to him.

Hugs to you all. I am so sorry.
awm03
11 years ago
kiki, others have said it better here, so I won't repeat their kind & wise advice. Just wanted to add my condolences for this devastating loss. You must be feeling a sad and profound emptiness. I wish we could help with more than just words.
kiki_thinking
Original Author
11 years ago
Thank you all very much for offering condolences, and sharing your stories, I think there's some truth to the "shared sorrow is half a sorrow" because it did help. The funeral is tomorrow, and I'm worried about being able to get thru it with some little composure.

Yesterday, an aquaintance aired all she knew about the actual wreck and the injuries and the daughter's emotional trauma to others in front of me and i quickly left before i lost it, but i didnt leave soon enough to avoid hearing the worst of it.

I'm just so thinskinned and sensitive and weepy, I'm really almost afraid to go to the funeral. I mean, of course I'm going, but I just don't know how to stand it, especially seeing her daughter.

Allison, I thought I'd adapt your advice and try to write down all the things I remember about my friend. Her daughter is only 6 and it hurts to think she might not be able to hold on to many of her memories of her mom, maybe when she gets a little older her daughter might like to have the letter.

Thank you again for sharing the stories and your feelings..
allison0704
11 years ago
I'm glad I could help, Kiki. That is a wonderful idea.
cooperbailey
11 years ago
My Mom was hit by a drunk driver on 8.9.1995.She was in a coma and died 8.24.1995. Not going into details,just want you to know from me that the pain diminishes while the memories remain strong and cherished.Time really does heal.
bestyears
11 years ago
Kiki -what a wonderful idea. I wonder if you could take it even a bit further, and turn it into a bit of a memory book for the daughter, soliciting other people's written memories and/or pictures as well?

I'm sorry you had to hear the worst of the details. It is impossible to then 'un-know" this. No doubt the woman was just talking through her pain, but so sorry for you.
nancybee_2010
11 years ago
Kiki, I would like to offer my condolences too. I am so very sorry this happened.
mahatmacat1
11 years ago
Kiki, I add my voice to those offering condolences. I love your idea to write down your memories of your friend for her daughter to read when she's older. What greater treasure could there be for a young person who has sustained such a catastrophic loss. You're showing her that her mom was loved and was loving, wise, funny, and whatever other positive memories you have of her. It will be so deeply wonderful.
kiki_thinking
Original Author
11 years ago
Thank you all again, each of your comforting comments has really been a comfort. Allison and Yaya, I'm very sorry for what you went through too. It is just so sad.

Cooperbailey, thanks for telling me of your experience. It helps to think that Gracie's pain will mute, but that her memories of her mom will stay clear. I grieve for her most of all.

The funeral was yesterday and I think gave us all a little comfort. I'm going to try to stop looking at Facebook pages, it just wrings me out.

Sad and angry

Comments (20)

allison0704

bestyears

Related Discussions

bestyears

SunnyCottage

golddust

gsciencechick

yayagal

yayagal

graywings123

tinam61

dedtired

anele_gw

awm03

kiki_thinking
Original Author

allison0704

cooperbailey

bestyears

nancybee_2010

mahatmacat1

kiki_thinking
Original Author

COMPANY

BUSINESS SERVICES

GET HELP

CONNECT WITH US

Sad and angry

Comments (20)

Related Discussions

kiki_thinkingOriginal Author

kiki_thinkingOriginal Author

COMPANY

BUSINESS SERVICES

GET HELP

CONNECT WITH US

kiki_thinking
Original Author

kiki_thinking
Original Author