I did so much to keep my MIL in our lives, even though my husband warned me from the beginning of our relationship that she is a very thoughtless and rude person. She's got some mental issues that have gotten worse, and she became so selfish, entitled, and pushy that I had to say enough was enough. Unfortunately, that made her mad, and apparently she becomes very verbally and mentally abusive when she's mad. I cut off ties with her, and since my husband never wanted to talk to her anyway, there is rarely any contact from her. It's sad really. We were her only healthy support system, but we cannot allow ourselves to be abused.

In the beginning of our marriage for many years she was always interfering as we lived across the street from her. We finally had to move away and over time she and I became really good friends and were till the day she passed away.

Sue

funny, I have a different story... I loved my MIL. She was so good to me. But my mother... I actually forbid her my house. I was the fist of her 5 children to so so. At the moment, there is only one child she can still visit.

Tough decision, but the best I ever did.

Moni

I think it's the nature of the relationship that most women have issues with their mothers-in-law.

Mine had some serious issues. I strongly believe that because her mother mishandled my MIL's grief over losing her father at age 9, MIL stopped growing emotionally at that point. She was an adult, and could function as one, but when it came to emotional issues, she always reacted as a 9 year old would have. It wasn't her mother's fault--she did what was considered appropriate at the time.

My MIL, like Susie's, didn't like many people--and didn't have the discretion to keep her thoughts to herself. She favored her daughter to the detriment of her sons (and that daughter later stole over a quarter of a million $$$ from her when MIL was suffering from Alzheimers). But my MIL loved me, treated me very, very well and she was very kind and sweet to my daughter. Because of that, we fought long and hard (and put out tens of thousands of $$$ in legal and forensic accounting fees) to protect her when her own daughter was abusing her.

And at this point, I have to say my husband always said, "I have the best MIL" about my mom. We both lucked out, I think

My MIL didn't like me and it showed. She made comments like "You are not from the cooks or from the cleaners." She treated her daughter's kids much better than my 2 kids. Better gifts, offers to babysit, just everything. She told me breast feeding was disgusting and said the house we bought was "a wreck and a dump." All I can figure is she was highly insecure and pushed her negative feelings onto others.

I had a wonderful mother-in-law. She loved me, and she enjoyed me, which always made me feel good.

Some of you must be married to my brother! My mother had lots of 'issues' and was almost like having two personalities. When she liked you (or a child or friend) she knew how to be kind and sweet.... then, bang....the 'devil' would take over her tongue and her words felt like killing ones. When she was not at either end of those two poles, she could recite her list of "complaints" that went back forever. Only recently, since her death, have I been able to recognize that she was a very unhappy person and MAYBE some counciling would have helped her. It is really a sad place to be, when getting even with the whole world becomes who you are.

I had issues in the beginning of our marriage mainly due to my father in law. She pretty much did what her husband told her and felt how ever he felt. Now that my father in law is dead, I get along great with my mother in law. To bad it took so long.

I never had a mother in law. She died when my husband was 6 years old and his father died when he was 12. My own mother was not a very good mother in law...at least to her daughter in laws. She was good to her son in laws. My daughter has a partner of 11 years. He is a great guy and treats her well.
I stay completely out of their business, and I treat him as kindly as I possibly can. I am just happy that they are happy together.

My MIL is a darling piece of angel food cake, a joy to be around, and altogether a delightful person.

*SNORT!*

She is the devil sent to test my powers of good.

Dances.

I did not like my MIL at all she was so mean to my DH through the years, never thankful for anything. Just mean;(

As a mother of two sons, it always upsets me to read posts like these. It always seems to be the husband's mother who is a mean, interfering person. Is it inevitable? I am heartened by posts like Alisande's and Moni's. Neither of my sons is married so I haven't had to deal with that, just a string of girlfriends who I mostly liked.

I had my own MIL problems. She adored my husband and I never felt included. When my husband went to my parents' home he was totally relaxed. He went in the fridge and got a drink or made a sandwich. Not in a hundred years would I have done that at his mother's house. I sat politely and waited to be offered.

Later she was disabled and would not leave her home (a huge five bedroom, three bathroom place on an acre of landscaped property). She could not afford to stay, but did and let it crumble around her. My husband spent hours and hours over there doing repairs and caring for her. This drove a huge wedge between my husband and me. I needed his help and support on the weekends and he was never there.

My response was to stay away. She's been gone a long time now and I kind of wish I had done more for her, strange as that sounds. My husband and I have been divorced a long time and his relationship with his mother was hard on the marriage, although not the ultimate cause of our divorce.

Anyway, I do hope you all can get along with your MIL's and your mothers, too. Just remember -- that will be you some day and kids tend to do what they saw their parents do.

I do miss my MIL she was so good to all her grandkids, favored none, treated them all good. Of course some liked her more than others, but nothing major. She passed away early so really did not see our kids much. My oldest DD and her really got along so good. Sad to say my mother was jealous of her and the family but the two women did get along pretty good.

I never had trouble w/ my MIL except for the fact that she was demanding on my DH. I think she would have been happy if he had never married and lived at home forever, but we gave her 3 grandchildren, so figure that out!! She was just demanding of him and I grew to resent that, and I knew it, and what she did for me, was, she taught me how to be a MIL and what NOT to do. If my 2 SILs or 1 DIL have ANY complaints about me, I would be shocked. Because she taught me what to not do. So, I guess a little good does come out of stuff--I adore my in law children and have never had any kind of trouble with them. I treat them like I wish I'd been treated. She was good to my children, and that's really the most important thing to me. Just a hard way to learn a lesson.

Mine (mother of DH #1) came across to strangers as a mild person. But, very few people realized that she poured a drink(Crown Royal whiskey) right after breakfast, and it was kept refreshed because she sipped it until she went to bed at night.
She didn't like any of her DILs, and when DH and I took her somewhere in the car - I had to sit in the back seat.

My Mother In Law taught me how to be a good MIL...by doing the opposite of everything she's ever done...My mother on the other hand was a great MIL and my SIL's still miss her after 25 years!

The only problem with my MIL was that she passed away far too soon.

Mine must have been related to Dances' MIL. ;) She's gone now. She didn't like me and told stories and lies about me to the family and her friends. She tried everything to ruin our marriage and I finally told DH I wouldn't divorce him for anything, because I wouldn't give her the satisfaction. He got his eyes opened wide one night after overhearing something she said (about him) and then he understood better what I'd been trying to tell him for years and years. He was very good to her, though, even when he was disgusted with her, he said she had been a good mom to him growing up and he owed her that. I tried to stay out of the way and out of the fray. By not having kids, that was fairly easy to do. The less contact I had with her, the better it was.

My mom loved both of my husbands and they knew it. They both loved her, too. Her DIL loves her too.

Holly, it's nice to see the few loving remarks on this thread, today especially as my MIL lingers on her last hours of life.

Sometimes, I think we all tend to forget that probably most of us are MILS ourselves and our hope is that our DILS don't feel so hateful towards us.

Are we so perfect ourselves or is it just easier and more gossipy to fling daggers in the other direction?

Something to ponder.....

I got along okay with my MIL but as she got older and moved a lot closer to us, she became much less controlled and said whatever came into her head - which caused some problems, mostly with her grandchildren. I work very hard at being a good MIL and think I have achieved that goal. My goal has been to think twice and speak once and even then maybe just bite my tongue. LOL

I had a wonderful MIL, couldn't have asked for a better one. If my DIL and SIL's feel half as good about me I'd be happy but I also am very proud of them.

I have a combination of vannies and flamingO's MIL's. I could write a book about my MIL but even reading these posts and writing this gives me a stress headache. I have learned how NOT to be a MIL or a grandma from her, I have learned not to be a malicious gossip from her, I have learned not to be self-centered and demanding to my DH from her (which really should be my right and not hers ) :). I have learned not to complain about every ache and pain from her because it is irritating to listen to, etc.

She would have been happiest if my DH had never married, especially as I would have not been my MIL's first choice in a wife for my DH. Yes, she told me that. My SIL is on her 3rd marriage because of her - Her first 2 DH's couldn't handle her, the third one packed my SIL and moved 1000 miles away to be away from her.

Do I wish her ill-well? No, she is my DH's mother and I try to respect that but I haven't seen her except on Christmas Day for 5 years and she lives 10 minutes away. Does this make me sad? To a certain extent yes but I finally had to put myself first in this situation because we were headed for a divorce if that was the only way to get her out of my life. This is a compromise and it is working. I'm not sure which one of the three of us (MIL, DH or me) should have been in counselling.

(((((Grammymyma & family)))))

I had a wonderful MIL too and she was a great shopping buddy. She has been gone now for many years but glad we got along & had our fun!

I was blessed with a wonderful, loving mother-in-law. (Jean)
We lived next door to them in our early years and she NEVER came over unless invited and never interfered with how DH and I were raising our children.
She was so supportive of me and of her other daughter in law.
Ellen and I still miss her after all these years. (Ellen was her other DIL) And we learned so much from her.
My DDIL has benefited from those lessons......she tells me often how much my support and love mean to her.
Thanks, Jean. I miss you.

I learned a great deal from my MIL. As stated in previous posts, she was an excellent example of how to be a MIL as well. My MIL was a wonderful, caring and giving person. There was a time or two when we had our differences, but we worked through it. She was supportive of me and adored our children.

She passed way too soon from cancer. When she had to stay in the hospital, she'd ask me to stay with her at night. It was my honor to be there for her. I hope I am half as good of a MIL as she was.

I miss her dearly.

I love my MIL, from day 1 when DH and I started dating she and FIL welcomed me into their family. They went to Scotland for a vacation (they are originally from Scotland) and brought me back some lovely gifts as well, even though we weren't even engaged at that point. Thirty years later I still love my in-laws, and dread the day they leave us (they're both in their 80s).
I'd have to say my own relationship with my mother was more problematic, though she and DH got on well (as long as she wasn't criticising me).

So sweet of you and thanks, Holly.

She is still hanging on, unresponsive, but clinging. We've been told that she will not likely make it through the weekend.

I too get a little distressed when I see a MIL post. I have 3 married sons and I must say that being a mother in law is absolutely the hardest task I have. Enough said.

I was also blessed to have a wonderful MIL. I had two small girls when I married DH. His mother became their grandmother. She was the best grandmother they had. In fact the younger daughter named her little girl after her. My other MIL from my first marriage was also a sweet lady. I hope I am living by their examples.

I find this a very interesting subject. I'm giving my prospective on this from the male viewpoint, if I may. My ex-MIL was horrid. There were three girls in the family and she had them all under her thumb. Whatever she wanted, she usually got, but not in my case.

Being a career military man helped out as we didn't have to live close by. But even then she kept meddling in our affairs. My ex-wife ran up over a $300 phone bill while we were stationed in Germany to keep in touch with "mommy". She complained about everything from those "people who don't speak English" to the wives of my fellow service members.

While I was stationed in Thailand, she went to visit my parents exactly one time and one time only. She was living with her parents fifty miles away and her excuse was that "it was too far to drive". Huh? Fifty miles? I know it hurt my mom, but mom just said that was her way. I'm sure you can imagine how angry I was when I learned of this after filing for divorce.

My mom made it a point to "mind her own business" and only gave advice when asked as both my SIL's can attest. My ex's mother on the other hand dispensed "advice" like it was candy whether you wanted it or not.

George's mother on the other hand was great - once we had a show down. Bea could be pushy, but once she realized it wouldn't work with me, things were great.

Unfortunately, we lost both our mothers/MIL's twelve days apart. George had finally re-established a good relationship with his mother after many years of a strained relationship. He absolutely adored my mom and took her death even harder.

Glad to read how many of you learned how to be good MIL's from bad experiences.

Please don't accuse me of being the grammar police, but for the record, the plural of mother-in-law is mothers-in-law, not mother-in-laws. Thanks.

well thanks to fil i've had 2 and 1/2..dh's mom was a sweetheart and loved her...when she passed, s-mil came along LESS than a year later..that was soo hurtful we never quite got to know her well...the last was hoot (they never married but co-habit) until sadly a stroke took so much away...she passed about 2 yrs ago...fil can't get out anymore, so we've stopped!

Dedtired...thanks for pointing out the correct plural form of "mother-in-law". I've been biting my tongue to not post lest I be included in the grammar police unit. Thanks, at last I can wipe the blood from around my mouth...lol

I always hesitate to point out things like that, but it was driving me nuts.

I had one of each. My first Mother-in-law was a wonderful lady who welcomed me into her family with open arms and she was as close to me as my own mother. Even after her son and I divorced, she and I remained friends and still did a lot of things together. Sadly she passed 8 years ago.
My SOs mother on the other hand never accepted me or my children. SO and I have never married, although we have been together for almost 20 yrs at this point, but because we were never married, I didn't count. Every Sunday at church she was sure to stand up and tell the whole place that her son and I were living in sin and would everybody please pray for us. When she started doing this, I resolved to not marry her son as long as she was alive. I know, I'm a terrible person. I treated his mother with nothing but respect and kindness. She passed away this past summer. SO and I have tentitive plans to marry this year. For the record, SO never knew that I had no feelings whatsoever for his mother and that I had resolved to not marry him while she was alive. I love SO and I would never let him know how I truly feel about his mother.

I love my mother in law she is a wonderful lady. When we first got married there was friction, I am younger than my husband and I was the "wrong religion". The other two daughters in law who were the right religion and the apple of her eye have since divorced her sons, had "words" with her, to put it mildly, and pretty much gone to hell in a hand basket. I however am still married to her son, never caused any drama, was always respectful, and cooked as much of the Holiday meals as I could to help her out, she now thinks that I am a keeper lol. plus I was the only one that went and stayed with her after her surgeries to take care of things. Her husband was an awesome man. Today we get along great, I knew I would win her over eventually!

She's 90 now and still as smart and active as can be, she quit driving though thank the Lord!
I am still the wrong religion but I think she is over that, well sorta. lol

My first mother-in-law was a wonderful person, but my second mother-in-law was like a mother to me and I was like a daughter to her...there was never a time in 34 years that we didn't get along. I was blessed to have her in my life and I wish she was still here. I have been fortunate.

My mother-in-law didn't even bother to raise her own son, so she was not a problem. She was only 17 years older than us, and was an alcoholic. She called very infrequently, and did so when I was pregnant with our first child. She was mean and nasty to me, but I was taught to be respectful to my elders. I could not believe that this was what my husband had tried to describe to me over the years when we would talk about our mothers. It just didn't jibe with what I knew "mother" meant.

I just handed the phone to him, not even telling her that he would be on the line because I was crying. I was so proud of him, he asked her what she had said to "my wife," and told her never to call again until she had straightened up and was sober.

I finally understood what it had meant to be her son. She died young a few years after that.

RavenCajun; I feel your pain! According to my monster-in-law I am of the "wrong" religion; I have the "wrong" political views; I am from the "wrong" part of the country; I have a "wrong" family and personal background; I'm of the "wrong" mixed race AND I don't even have enough sense to be ashamed and "hide" it.

I am a horrible wife. I do NOT nag and scream and force her son to wear the "proper" clothes; (she hates his jeans, boots, pullover shirts, and anything cop or hunting related). To her a person's clothing is more important than morals, kindness, or anything they do, achieve, or share. I am evil because I "allow" him to hunt and fish and own dogs!

I have learned to take her with a grain of salt. She is as cruel and heartless to her son, her only child, as she is to me. That hurts me more than anything else she does. He seldom talks to her anymore; it's easier for me to be the filter; especially since I no longer allow her to get the upper hand. I stay respectful; for my own sense of propriety, but I will also cut her off at the knees when she needs it. I no longer allow her scream or curse at me; I hang up the phone or walk away. I no longer check on her daily. After three or four days of not calling her (she won't call us) she is a bit more conversational.

I don't have children so I will never be a MIL. I have three beautiful, loving sisters-in-law, plus one real pip. I show them all equal love and support; I make an extra effort to be kind and inclusive of the "pip." My brother loves her so that's all I need to know and focus on. That's my effort to be a proper in-law,

My MIL and I have always gotten along very well. We lived around the corner from her for several years and had no issues with that. I really feel that she's happy to have me as a DIL. She is always willing to listen and offer advice, but only if asked. I know that if I needed something, I could pick up the phone right now & she would do anything she could to help me. The same would be true if she called me. I love my MIL & am thankful and proud that she is my MIL.

I have been blessed to have had two mothers-in-law that I loved dearly. I had my first one for twenty years wntil her son and I divorced. She got me for a DIL when I was a ripe, mature old eighteen year old. I knew I had found a winner when she'd let me sleep in after our first baby was born and she'd walk the floor with him at night. We both cried when the divorce happened. She passed away about three years ago and I still miss her very much. She was my kids' grandmother and they were her first. She was a great grandmother to them and I loved her very much. Our families stayed close and my kids always had borth sides of their family around them as they were growing up.

My second MIL was as different as night and day from my first one, but I loved her, too. We became very close friends and I still miss her everyday. I was her son's third wife and you would have thought that she'd shy away from becoming close to me, but she didn't. In fact, she told my husband after we'd been married three or four years, "Well, if anything happens to THIS marriage, I KNOW whose fault it's gonna be!" LOL I told somebody that when she died I not only lost a motherinlaw, but a dear, close friend. My kids were almost grown by the time her son and I married, but she was always kind to the kids, remembered with them with birthday cards, etc. She was a sweetheart of a MIL.

As a motherinlaw to a soninlaw and to a daughterinlaw I've tried to be a good one and let the "kids" live their own lives. Think it's still harder with a daughterinlaw. We're close, but you know how all of us women are.....LOL

Since my last posting on this thread I have had to hand over all my mother-in-law needs and communications to DH. She's his mother and now she's his problem. She finally crossed w-a-y over the line and I am through. If she wants to speak to me I'll be civil but I'm not calling her.

I've decided a monthly, small written note outlining "what we've been up to," heavily edited, is all I can do. She has his phone numbers if she needs him.

Mine was a little lost soul. She was hard on her children. Something changed right about the time I came around. but it's also the same time her husband was dying. Father in law was loved by her children. Adored! He was really special and made YOU feel special when around him. Everyone felt that about him. I think she wanted to be more like him. One night she opened up, tried it on me first. I didn't bite her, so she must've figured out it was ok to get close to people and so, she opened up to her children after that. I'm not saying it was me, I'm saying it took a lot of factors for her to come out of that shell. She had a pretty good relationship with some of them in the end. Was she easy to get along with? Pretty much. She was opinionated, for sure, but she relaxed later on. She was so diminuative, watching her hold my son was always cute. His legs and arms would hang off both sides of her. My now ex, her youngest, and she really bonded when he figured out he had a great deal of talent painting. She had been a teacher and sold pieces, so she took him under her wing. That really solidified their relationship. It was sad when she died way too soon (ex and I are in our early 40s now and that was five or so years ago), you could see that he was really shaken to his core, finally getting to know her, and then she was gone.

My mother in law was just plain mean. She used her so called christian beliefs to control, manipulate, bully others. Actually, the whole family including my sister in laws have been alot kinder and more thoughtful since she has gone. I feel bad when I say this but I do not miss her one ioda...she was so condeming and hostile to me, and husband and children. She was so uppity, but did not have one reason to be so. On the other hand my father in law loved me and was kind to me...I miss him terribly!!!

I never liked my MIL and the feelings were vise versa.Thankfully we were career military and hardly ever saw her.She didn't treat our first 2 kids the same or even close to the same while we lived in the same state.My kids never got so much as a penny lollipop from her,a birthday card or anything else.I look at it as her loss.

When my kids saw her again our youngest was 10 and we had gone back home for a family reunion,my side of the family.

We saw her while home and when we introduced the kids to her,they told us later,"she doesn't seem like a gramma" their words". They never saw her again so it didn't matter.
Kathi

It's very sad to hear so many stories of strained or nonexistent relationships. I have been blessed so much I think kittiemom and I have the same MIL. She has 4 daughters and only 1 son, and I feel I am treated as much like family as any of the others. I've often said if she weren't my MIL I would chose her as a dear friend. She truly is the center of the family and when she is gone, there will be alot of heartbroken people.

I've been feeling rather sad that so many of you have had rather rocky relationships with your mothers in law. (And, concerned about being labelled as "thought police", I, too, resisted the temptation to speak).

I also feel some extra sadness over the fact that some of you found that a substantial part of the reason for your having not been accepted was a difference of religion. It seems to me that religion is supposed to help build good relationships between/among people, rather than cause their deterioration: Jesus told us to love one another, didn't he? So what if we don't all walk the same road.

My offspring have had four partners, and only one was within a marriage (which lasted for about 5 years). But I felt that it was part of my responsibility as my offspring's parent to treat a person who was their choice of partner with respect and some affection.

I got along well with my MIL, except that after our divorce she became quite distant ... I think that it was some feeling on the ex-'s part that for her to continue a cordial relationship with me related to her loyalty to her own. Fortunately, she lived at a distance, so there was infrequent opportunity.

Perhaps some of you, on hearing of the warmth and affection which many had for their MsIL, will find it in their hearts to make another effort to build a happier relationship.

Sometimes it helps if one can feel free enough to have a (bull?) session, where everyone lays hir cards out on the table, in an unemotional fashion, which in a number of cases, builds better understanding of what has been bothering another, and it may lead to something of a fresh start.

If it doesn't seem wise to follow such a path, how about talking about it to someone who has had experience in dealing with relationships between people? Sometimes just laying the burden on a table in front of someone who knows about such things, and cares, reduces the hurt and pain a good deal. I recommend a clergyperson ... an empathetic one ... and not too doctrinaire.

ole joyful

I loved my mother-in-law and will always miss her, even though she was a real character and loved to argue about most anything.

It's been about 21 years since she passed away at only 61 from emphysema. Still makes me sad.

My own mom is a good-hearted, level-headed person and gets along well with my husband. I am blessed.