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Michael Procopio Won't Eat Kale

14 years ago

Too late for Cookalong on Greens, but too funny not to share.

I Won't Eat Kale

Posted on March 20, 2012 by Michael Procopio

I won't eat kale, I won't eat kale.

There's nobody can make me.

I'd rather eat a coffin nail

And pray the Lord to take me.

It's good for you! A super food!

I hear the health nuts spittle.

Which leaves me with an attitude

That's worse than non-committal.

It used to be for mere display

around a garden's borders.

But now, alas, to my dismay,

Kale's served on doctors' orders.

Of flavonoids, there's forty-five

for detox comprehensive.

But I'd prefer to burn alive

Than eat what's so offensive.

Though famed for fighting cancers

Such as colon, breast, and ovary,

To arsenic I'd turn for answers

Just like Madame Bovary.

I'm fond of many other leaves

Like collards and Swiss chard

But kale, I say, gives me the heaves

More than frenching a St. Bernard.

Curly, plain, or dinosaur

I never will inhale.

I'd rather touch a gyno sore

Than eat a plate of kale.

God knows that it's been blogged to death

By people meaning well

And I just might be flogged to death

For damning kale to hell.

"What harm's it ever done to you?"

You very well might ask me.

After I tell you, I may well impel you to

Embalm me and then cask me.

In a town made of celebrity maps

And high profile divorces,

I worked for a woman with toothy caps

Much larger than a horse's.

She swore by kale - its healthy merits -

Which always caused me pain.

I'd opt to be rogered to death by ferrets

Than think of her mouth again.

Those equine teeth with bits of green matter

Caught in between her gums

Was enough to cause my stomach to scatter

(And a growing addiction to Tums(R)).

The thought still haunts me in my dreams

And causes psychic pain.

So I'd rather be quartered by oxen teams

Than ever see kale again.

Here is a link that might be useful: Food for the Thoughtless

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