This book has some great reviews.

Here is a link that might be useful: Cliques-Phonies- Other Balony

Thanks so much golddust. Hmmm, it looks like this one may be just a bit on the younger side.

That one may be good for my DD. Thanks.

It says the book is appropriate for ages 9 to 12. How old is your DD?

Actually, my 12-y.o. daughter's been reading _Reviving Ophelia_, even though it's geared toward adults, and watching it in action with some of the girls she encounters. We've talked about QB (I read it, and showed it to her but it didn't really catch her interest), esp. the few lines of caveat that "*most* girls obsess about their looks" except for "girls who have anything better to do, like a talent or some other source of self esteem..." (I can find the page reference if you want--it was on the left side of a page prob. in the 80s).

WOW, that one sentence made everything clear for us. We've configured all that QB stuff as what people who don't have anything better to do grab at in order to simulate a life. They don't actually *have* a life; they merely fabricate drama to pass the time and make themselves feel important.

With this she was recently able to absolutely face down a girl at a track club party who tried to 'devastate' her with a line -- DD instantly recognized it and flashed a completely winning smile, which made the girl crumple before her eyes when the desired effect didn't occur :). (It helped that the girl wasn't all that fast a runner, just would come to hang out near boys, pretty much -- DD's there to *run* and hang out with people who are interested in that, and has no problem socializing with them.) The QB caveat rule was in full force there, in that the kids who really take it seriously do *not* engage in that garbage, aren't snooty toward younger kids, work hard in their workouts rather than whining, etc.

NOW, this said, it's important to note that she doesn't have to face these girls 8-2 every day, she doesn't have a phone, even (and she's 12! how can that *be*!); she's really not interested in all that stuff, as she doesn't see how she'd have time to do anything fun if she were always texting or checking her texts, etc. She has too much to do every day as it is, fun stuff that involves real life rather than garbage intrigue.

Does your daughter have groups of friends that have built out of *interests* and efforts? Like sports or a group music like band or orchestra (even more than sports, IMO, since people are making something beautiful together and have to have their minds positive and collaborative at the time)? Is she facing anything you know of or are you doing the pre-emptive strike, as it were (like we did)?

Hmm, how about The Clique series? There's three books so far... scroll down to see all three offered for $29 something. Geared for young adults.

Here is a link that might be useful: The Clique series

I recommend Rachel Simmons' books (Odd Girl Out and Odd Girl Speaks Out), and her website (www.rachelsimmons.com). I actually work for a non-profit organization whose mission is to empower middle school girls, and Rachel will be our keynote speaker at our conference this fall. Our organization was founded by a group of moms several years ago who had read Reviving Ophelia and wanted to do something to help middle school girls.

We have a ton of great books on the subject at my office, and I will look through them next Wed. when I am back there. I am the finance and HR person, so can't think of titles off the top of my head. Navigating middle school is not easy.

Texanjana, the talent in this group never ceases to amaze me. I'm impressed! Cool!

Hi Texanjana, because of your recommendation I went to Amazon to look at that book, and found my way to another one: _Mean Chicks, Cliques, & Dirty Tricks_ -- what do you think of that one? Seems that it has practical advice in addition to analysis.

Intersting suggestions on here...thanks! texanjan, I am impressed and delighted to learn there is a non profit actually dedicated to this issue.
fly, your dd sounds much like my sweet eldest (11) gd., and yes we are: ".... doing the pre-emptive strike, as it were (like we did)?" She is into sports, and an A student with a difficult course. We think she will be fine, but good to be fore-armed!. I'll be off to amazon and Borders for a few of these books. Really glad to get your input, everyone. Thanks so much !

I did a lot of this reading seven years ago when DD was transitioning from four years of home-schooling into a small elementary school. I am not so well-versed on the current and newest literature, but I do have some advice that is probably still applicable.

IMO, the most important way to ready a girl for this is to give her the vocabulary so that when she experiences this behavior, she will understand how all the players fit together and even more so, so you and she can discuss it in a meaningful way. For my kiddo, in many ways, having a more analytical understanding of childhood struggles allowed her to be less caught up in the emotional aspects those rough patches, if that makes any sense.

I read Queen Bees and Odd Girl and some others and just marked the "best" parts, read them to my daughter, and used that as a place to start the discussion. Some of the stories in QBs were a little too much for my then-3rd-grader. But a number of them were appropriate teaching tools.

Her insight at age 9 was that she was more likely to be the perp than the victim. Interesting. Had a lot to do with her sense of self, which was (and remains) quite strong. This was useful to me over the years, as I often felt the need to ask her tough questions about how she was treating her peers. She was particularly tough on clingy girls who wanted to be her friend. She has really made an effort to cultivate her gentler side over the years.

Interestingly, after surviving re-entry into traditional school, and three years at a large public middle school, my daughter was bullied in her first weeks at a new high-school. I though we'd gotten beyond that stage....how wrong I was. It was a brief but very difficult period of time, which I posted about here. I sat by, supporting my kid and proudly watched as she advocated for herself.

I think all those years of having the bullying discussion on the table prepared her for what she needed to do. It did not lessen her anguish, nor mine. But, she was able to put an end to it quickly. I also credit her school for stepping in with Shock & Awe. They did not sweep it under the rug and that is often the key to success.

If your daughter's Middle School does not have an anti-bullying scheme in place, maybe there is something you can do to implement one. Six or seven years ago, my DD's new elementary school had nothing. Because it was a small private school, I was able to affect a lot of change in that department. Of course, the parents who needed to be in those meetings and classes were not the ones who usually showed up! And Relational Aggression is much more in the front of everyone's minds now than it was back then, so hopefully you won;t need to be the pioneer

I wish you all the best. It is a tough time but you can, and probably will, come out just fine.

Here are some book rec's from my office. Some of these include chapters on sex, so please use your discretion with your DD.

See Jane Win for Girls Dr. Sylvia Rimm
The Girls Guide to Life Catherine Dee
Straight Talk for Teenage Girls Annette Fuson
Girl to Girl Anne M. Driscoll
Getting to Know the Real You Dr. Harriet Mosatche
Dealing with the Stuff That Makes Life Tough Jill Zimmerman Rutledge
33 Things Every Girl Should Know Tonya Bolden
Girl Power Patty Ellis