I hate God!!!!!! (very long)

taunia1

Some of yall know me from the crafting boards. I feel like my heart has been ripped out. I posted here a few months ago, but all the sudden, I feel like I just lost my husband all over again. It was in May. I can't stand it!!! We were supposed to grow old together. We have a 10 year old son we had when I was 43. Who is going to tell him about boy stuff? This a.m. I was up at 4:30 by my dog waking me. I had a major water pipe burst. I live in central Texas, so you know we have been flooded with rain the past 2 days with more to come. I went out in the dark pouring rain to try to figure out how to turn the water off. I finally got it fixed by jury-rigging it. I MISS HIM SOOOOOO MUCH. Why did God have to take him now? Actually, we always thought I'd go first because my health has been failing. Now people say be strong? How do you do that? My little boy won't sleep by himself because he is afraid I'll die. I've caught him a few times standing over me to see if I'm breathing. And yes, I have him in counceling. I'm next. I know this is long, but I feel if I don't let it out I'll go crazy. I don't have but one friend and she works nights. My family is so disfunctional; so was his. So... all I have left is God, and he turned his back on me. Yes, I'm on a pitty pot. So what? I'm so angry I feel like throwing up. BTW, I know the stages of grief, I'm a retired nurse. It dosen't make it any better when you're going through it. Thanks for letting me blow some steam. Taunia.

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sylviatexas1

I'm so sorry for your devastating loss.

I think if you're mad at God, go ahead & be mad & don't let anyone talk you out of it;
it's very easy for us to tell *someone else* not to be angry at the Powers-That-Be, but I think a lot of that has to do with the fear of punishment & with the indoctrination that we've all had that God is not only all-knowing but all-powerful, & that you don't want to make the Big Guy mad.

We don't know that God is all-powerful;
I think that an all-powerful benevolent God wouldn't allow war, wouldn't allow child abuse or murder or starvation, wouldn't have taken your husband away.

so maybe God set the universe in motion according to natural laws (God doesn't suspend gravity when we step off the roof of a tall building), & it operates accordingly.

Maybe he didn't take your husband from you;
maybe your husband just died.

If God did take your husband, he deserves your anger, & if he's God, he's big enough to handle it.

Meanwhile, here you are & here your son is, & you can't carry the whole world on your own shoulders.

Please reach out to other people.

Just approach it like you would approach any other goal-

start with baby steps, but roll out of bed in the morning & go to work on your goal before you have time to talk yourself out of it.

For the time being, I'd move my child's bed into my room, or move a bed into his room for myself.

Give yourselves time, be patient with yourselves, & *ask* for what you need, & I don't mean ask God to fix the plumbing.

Call your city & ask where you can get help with broken pipes or other extra expense,
go by the fire department & ask if they know anyone who can help,
use your connections at church,
just *ask* everyone you know for what you need.

Post here again;
this forum is full of knowledgeable & kind people, & I bet you will get sound advice here as well as support & commiseration.

Take good care of yourself & your son.

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sylviatexas1

forgot to say that when someone tells you to be strong, you might ask that person if he/she ever has had surgery or flu or mono.

If the answer is yes, ask "How many minutes after your surgery or whatever was it before you leapt up from your bed & started working out & jogging & riding your bicycle? How long was it before you could even prepare your own sandwich? How long was it before anybody expected you to 'be strong'?"

Loss & grief are as physically devastating as any surgery or illness I can think of.

Take care.

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mav63_2007

Dear Taunia,

Google "Footprints in the Sand", it might help.
God Bless.
Mav.

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taunia1

Thankyou for letting me share yesterday. I don't really hate God. I was just so angry and wanted to blame something. I'm feeling soooo much better today. I have never cried over this. I was afraid to. I was afraid I would never stop. I have counceling set up for me and my son. He has been sleeping with me ever since his daddy passed away in may. The shrinks say it's alright. I don't have a problem with it. May God bless yall, Taunia.

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mav63_2007

I am so glad you are feeling better, it will come and go and it is natural. Good luck with the counseling and keep your son close to you.
(((((hugs)))))

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Ninapearl

taunia, i was going to reply to your original post but i thought i would give it a day or two just to see how you were doing. i kind of figured that your initial reaction was one of profound grief, the worst you have ever felt. i can SO relate.

it will soon be 3 years since my husband was taken from me. i didn't actually hate God but oh how i questioned him! gary and i had a fairytale life, in the 11 years we were together, we had nothing but happy, blissful days. neither of us ever said a cross word to the other. we spent most of our time together, rarely were we apart. we were literally each others "other half". neither of us felt complete unless we were in the same room.

over time, my grief hasn't lessened. it has only become "different". i am more tolerant of myself and others. i let myself cry when i need to but i have also let myself go with raucous laughter when i remember some of the silly things gary would do.

memories are what we have. we also have lives to lead and i choose to lead my life in a way that would make gary proud of me. i bend over backwards and work my fingers to the bone to take care of my part of the farm where we shared our lives. flowers, mowing, taking care of the horses, mending fence, keeping bird feeders filled, fountains clean and in working order...i could go on and on and on. these are all things we did together. in my mind, we still do them together. everywhere i look out here, i see him in the things he built and cared for.

it used to make me so angry and hurt when people would ask me if i am dating yet. it would send me into crying jags i didn't think would ever stop. often, i wished i could go to sleep and never wake up. now, when i am asked that silly question, my reply is that i had the best there ever was, why would i want to settle for anything else? that usually shuts people up. ;)

i don't mean to turn this into something about "me", just wanted you to know you are not alone. everything you are going through is normal. as normal as normal can be at this place in your life. it WILL get better, i promise. it will just take a tincture of time. there will be rough spots, some rougher than others but some day, you will be able to look back at life with your husband and you will smile instead of cry. when that time comes, it will be like the weight of an elephant herd lifted off your shoulders. there will be setbacks, many, but they will become fewer and farther between. one day, you will wake up and realize how very lucky you were to have shared your life with a wonderful man. many people are not as lucky as we.

always remember...death leaves a heartache no one can heal. love leaves a memory no one can steal.

((((hugs)))) to you!

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evaf555

I am sorry for the loss of your husband. I know how you feel, my husband was the one who took care of everything around the house, too.

But that aside I'm finding out that the things he did, many of them, weren't rocket science.

The downturn in the economy has it's silver lining: The help at Home Depot and Lowe's is better than it used to be.

Help is available at your local hardware store,too.I have walked into all three places at one time or another in the last six months and thrown myself on their mercy.

I have been offered help and encouragement every time. Every. Single. Time. I don't muck around and waste peoples' time. I just walk in, wait for an opening or for someone to offer help, and say, "Look, I'm recently widowed and my husband always took care of this. This is the situation. (Explain situation) Can I fix this myself?"

I know nothing about building stuff, except that the ones who do get all excited over something being "square" and "level." But I can paint, (well, getting better) install a new thermostat, replace a kitchen faucet. Recently, I put a patch on the roof of the porch. The handy man said it was a good patch, though unfortunately I missed the torn rolled roofing right next to it.

I'm not bent over double with intellect, either.

You jury-rigged something so it worked. That demonstrates excellent problem solving skills, in my book. And I have found that recovery from this loss is not a straight line. I always expect it to be, in spite of my experience to the contrary.

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taunia1

Thank each and every one of ya'll so much for your care and concern. I am taking this one day at a time. I can't believe on the 17th it will be 4 months. God bless all of you!

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