tampa-ron, I love how you wrote about your mother. We lost my dad September 16, 2006, and he was 83, and it hurt more than I ever possibly imagined. Yes, he had a full life, but he and my mother were so in love, after almost 60 years of marriage, and he was larger than life to anyone who knew him, so we were not ready, as if anyone ever is. He died beautifully, if there is such a thing, and we were all able to tell him how much we loved him, and surround his bedside as he gazed into our mother's eyes. But, yes, I miss him every day, and will cry on occasion when I think of him.

Unfortuntately, this week it was confirmed that our oldest sister, has the same damn cancer that took our dad. We are all numb with sadness right now, as we prepare to watch her go through radiation and chemo to try to buy some more time to spend with her sons and family.

But don't ever stop thinking or talking about your mom. I won't and I hope when I die, people will remember me and talk about me and the silly things I might have done, or the way I hope I affected someone's life. Your mother sounds like she did all the right things with you. God bless you.

wodka, I'm so sorry about your Dad and your sister!! My prayers are with you and your family!

tampa-ron your post touched me! It's very sweet how you talked about your mother. And I certianly know what you were/are going through! My Mother died unexpectedly in October of 2006 at the age of 69. She had a stroke and went into a coma almost immediately. I arrived at my parents house in time to see them put her in the ambulance and that was the last time I saw her. She died a few hours later and was cremated (her wishes).

I felt the same way you did about the lost years. An older gentleman I worked with at the time who was well into his late 60's himself lost his mother a few months later and it just didn't seem fair that he would have her until he was about to retire and I was only 36 when I had to deal with it. But then I remember two friends who lost their mothers when we were kids; one commited suicide leaving her 9 year old daughter and the other died of cancer when her daugher and I were 17. Thinking of things that way helps me keep it in perspective and be grateful for the time we had. I'm thankful that my mother lived to see both my kids. My son was 3 months old when Mom died. He grinned at me through the entire funeral. I know if she had died just 3 months earlier his birth would have been a painful memory instead of the joy it was.

But my father still wants to go up to older couples and tell them how lucky they are to be able to grow old together. Watching him suffer through this is even harder than dealing with it myself!

I truely believe my mother is still with me. She was a wonderful caring giving person but she was also outspoken and would tell you what she thought. I still talk to her and sometimes I think I hear her in my head answering. Maybe it's just what I think she'd say if she were here, I don't know. Sometimes I just get mad at her for leaving and when I think she wouldn't like something I tell her dead people don't get an opinion so come back and I'll do it your way. Maybe I'm nuts but it somehow helps me. :)

tampa-ron,
Thank you for you post. I lost my dad ten years ago and the numbness and gray haze has never gone away. I never speak of it, as most dont understand and expect that i should have moved on by now...

tampa-ron,

Your words ring true, "Life moves on, yes. But it doesn't feel as sweet without my mother." We all are probably going to feel this way. I don't think that feeling will ever go away. We were recently at the beach and it brought back many memories of fun times growing up. My Dad was so fun loving. He would splash with us in the waves. Make great picnic baskets to bring along. Everywhere I go brings back memories of pleasant times.

We will miss them and never forget them. I will keep my Dad alive by speaking of Him often. The other day, my husband was installing new windows in our house. He was having a little trouble with them. I said, "call my Dad, he'll know how to do it!" and we both just laughed. He was so good at figuring things out.

No matter what, your Mom will always be with you, inside of you. Her goodness and Love will never fade from your Heart and Mind. Her loving gestures and kindnesses were not lost with her passing. They are a part of who you are and a constant reminder of what Love is. When life and circumstances get you down, just remember Her and you can be assured that her loving presence is always with you.

Thank you all for the kind words. It's nice to have a place where you feel like people understand how you feel and can resonate with what you're saying.

tenderchichi - you're right, when you have lost a loved one that brought kindness and joy to your life, I feel it becomes a sort of duty to pass that along to others. It's not always easy in our hectic lives but sometimes just a smile will change someones entire outlook. My moms smile could brighten the dreariest of days and I sometimes feel as if my mom is smiling through me, I can't explain it but I do feel it.

Hi, I have also lost my mom..and my dad..and my brother.. You, have touched me with your words, it's so kind and so true....I understand completely...the last time I saw my mom alive I said mom... are you going to bathe Dad tonight..(he was dying from ALS) She said no.. I said mom don't do it then..I'll be back tomorrow and I'll help you... I gave her a hug and left to go home..Well, about 5 hours later she had a massive heart attack and went to her rewards... .Then my Dad passed away a month and five day later...My life fell apart...I miss them so much and it's been since 1991...I still have sorrows I still cry..And I get so lonely for my family I once had....My brother got killed in 1987 in a car wreck..my entire family gone..but not forgotten I think of them everyday..

I lost my Mom on Good Friday. Your letter is exactly how I feel. I love how you have flowers sent to her , that really made me cry! I feel like I live in the twilight zone, I feel like I have to fake it in front of certain people, Almost as if it's five months now and they don't know what to say to me. Thank god I have my sister, she totally gets it... My Mother was fine one day and in three months gone, she was 60 and so full of life just the best person you would ever meet. It just isn't fair. I have a great husband and three beautiful children and I'm trying to do my best everyday for them it's just so hard, I cry everyday if not a couple times a day, people keep telling me it will get a little better but I feel like it's getting worse. The lose it tremendous life will never be the same.

darzie - I know exactly where you are with feeling that its getting worse and not better. At about 6 months I think I had the hardest time dealing with losing mom because it really started sinking in that she was gone. Dont let it get you down, be sad and don't apologize for it, you had a lifetime of being with her and you cant expect to be ok with losing her in 5 months...but it will get easier with time.

I think about my mom every day and I still cry at things that remind me of her and some of the funny "mom" things she did, I have been able to smile and even laugh at the memories now. I still feel sad but I also feel a sense of comfort in the memory.

Remember that she is with you, I see my moms personality in my daughter and in my nephews and I know she is still here and the great things she brought to this world will live on.

It was very comforting reading these touching stories. I lost my mum 3 months ago, Im really not sure on how I should be feeling, as deep down I am constantly hurting and feel constant pain in my chest that just wants to explode. Yet when I am at work, with friends, I seem fine, that I am over it....but I am not, dont think I ever will be, my sisters and brothers are naturally the only people who understand my pain, because it is also theirs.

I miss her beautiful smile, laugh, humour and putting my head on her knee sharing my problems and seeking wise advice from her. I feel so empty without her, the house silent, watching life going by and waiting until I see her one day.

"I love you mama"

I know how you feel! I searched on Google and this site came up. I lost my father in 1994 and my dear mother in 2010 and it is a nightmare since losing my mother and I am 44 years old. My mother was 79 when she passed and still a shock. Not a minute of the day I don't think of her and miss her.

i am the youngest of three boys,and i was spoild by my mother concequently we were verry close and when i was told by my mother she was dying of multiple mylanomia(skin cancer) and calciam defishioncy i was in shock,i had to take care of here for almost 2 yrs in our house and at the hospital and the nursing home.my mother was 77 at the time,my second oldest brother lived in floria and for some reason could not come to help take care of out mother so with no training i did it my self,up until that time i had no idea how hard it would be,so my mom for over a yr went through cemo radiation treatment,but it made here sick so she stoped it,me not understanding why(having not gone through cemo) thought that mom was going to get better, and when she decided to stop the treatments in my mind i couldn't understand why and inside i was angry and mom passed away a yr later and i was crushed,the brother from floria was in the military and was trained not to cry,thus told me the same thing not to cry at her funural and me like a dummy i listened,to this day that has bothed me,so this is what i've learned since then,DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF,its easy to do but it doesn't help and be kind to yourself(sometimes easier said then done) and if you believe in god,put your trust,and strenth in him becouse speaking from experience,if it wouldn't been for god i wouldn't have made it this far,may god bless the person that is reading this and i hope it helps to understand that when whe think we are along,we are not really alone

god bless all

scott

My mom is in a nursing center and i am told she is gravely ill. We had such wonderful conversations and her voice has faded to a murmur. I love her so much I don't know how to go on without her. I miss her so much already. This post helped me because I cannot envision just "moving on" and not feeling the pain of her absence forever.

Reading all of your posts have made me realize I am not alone in how I feel about losing my Mom..
I lost my Mom Sept 10th 2010 she died of complcations of a debilitating stroke that she had a year prior..
It was my worse nightmare her dying as when she had the stroke in 2009 she didn't really know me most of the time and she had no idea where she was or what happened to her and could do nothing for herself so really i lost her twice..
I had went to visit her the night before she had her stroke and I stayed late and she walked me to the door i can remember her waving goodbye to me how did I know that would be the last time she would do that or be the same person..
I feel guilty for leaving her that night but I didn't know this was going to happen..
I always called her every morning to make sure she was up and had ate and taken her pills but she didn't answer the phone ..I wasn't concerned as she sometimes slept late so I waited a little while and called again she still didn't answer so I called her neighbor and asked if she had seen MOm and if she would go to her apt and check on her I just was not thinking anything was wrong..Her friend did and she said Mom didn't answer the door but she said it sounded like she could hear Mom's voice..
So I got myself together and went to her apt we had a hard time getting in as she had locked the screen door.
When we got in I found Mom on the floor in a sort of a twisted uncomfortable position ,I said Mom what happened do you know who I am and she said yes that I was her Mom I knew something was wrong , we called the emergency squad and they came and tried to get Mom up and to stand and her legs were like rubber and she was not speaking things that made sense the apt was a mess as she had been stumbling and falling trying to stand or get some where she had bloody bruises on her arms .
We got her to the hospital and they xrayed her and ran tests she had had a very bad blood clot stroke that should have killed her they said but didn't it left her paralyzed on her whole right side and plus affected her sight as she saw double it was bad..
They told me there was nothing they could do she stayed in the hospital for 4 days and then told me I had to decide something ..I knew I couldn't take care of her by myself as I had severe back problems and she was going to need 24 hr care I had no other siblings or no other family close and my Mom nor I had the money to hire someone to help me.So against all I beleived and didn't want to do i had to put her in a nursing home something I swore i would never do ..
The year I had her in there was a nightmare in itself,I had to fight with them not literally but you know what I mean to get them to take care of her right I was always upset everytime I visited her as I knew things were not right I would talk to them and ask why ,they would always blame it on some one else she had MRSA twice while she was there and an infection of the colon called C-Diff both staff infections were very contagious..
I talked to people outside of the nursing home to try to get help and called the state and couldn't get anything accomplished they don't care about elderly people and maybe because Mom was on Medicaid maybe that was not good either..It just was a living nightmare I was so upset all of the time after I would leave seeing her it affected my health and I hated seeing Mom like she was as she would not want to have lived if she knew she was having to depend on someone else to do everything for her and she was totally bedfast..
I was the only one to go and visit her as all other family was far away and the nursing home knew that and i think they took advantage of it I tried to go at different times but it didn't help it was just so hard and my husband was not a supportive person for me so i was dealing by myself which was very difficult..
She very seldon knew who I was she could talk at times and sometimes she was silent I continued to talk to her..The times she knew me and was able to tell me she loved me i will cherish in my heart..I was with her the day and through the night till the next moring when she passed holding her hand and singing to her as I always did the whole time she was in there..I would try to get her to sing with me the songs she knew to try to keep her mind alert and talking.. I just have guilt of having to put her in the nursing home and how she had was taken care I understand nursing home are short staff but I think they could do better then they do ,there were a few that really cared and did a good job but most of them could have cared less and the ones that would take the time and do a good job they would let them go so sad..
I miss my Momma so much I miss her voice being able to ask her things and hugs she was my best friend and was there when no one else was always..I feel when she died a part of me went with her there is an emptiness inside of me ..
We don't know how it feels to lose a parent or anyone until we experience it ourselves..
Some people can just deal and get on with it ..Lot of people don't want to hear how you feel or what you are experienceing and we need to be able to talk about our loved one it does help..
Some days are so overwheming that I don't I am ever going to be able to deal and then a few days will go by and I am ok but My Mom is always in my thoughts each day..
I know she is by my side at times or comes in my thoughts ,I really don't think it is going to get easier the pain at times is so great..It is just so lonely at times..
It is hard to keep it all in some days I will just cry alot till its all out then i will be ok ..The strangest things will set the crying in and comes on me when I least expect..
My heart goes out to each one of you that has lost a loved one and know I understand and feel your pain..
I do know that if it was not for my faith in God I would be in worse shape then i am I know that he helps and that crying and talking about your loved one is part of the grief process.

I lost my mother a little over 2 months ago, at the age of 78. It's comforting to read all these posts and to realize that I'm not alone in how I'm feeling. My mother was diagnosed with advanced lung cancer around Memorial Day weekend and was gone 6 weeks later, on July 12th. My father, sisters, and brother barely had time to wrap our heads around the diagnosis, let alone her quick death. It was so hard to comprehend this as she had no repiratory symptoms at all, her only complaint, that brought her to the doctor, was back pain. It turned out the cancer had already metastasized to her spine. I was very close to my mother and feel totally lost and empty without her. I can't bare the thoughts that I can't talk to her, see her, hug her, or kiss her again. I feel like happiness will never be part of my life again...just this overwhelming sadness that consumes me. I manage to get through my days, because I have to, but it's so hard because all I do is think of her. So many people tell me to let the good memories help me through this, but I can't get to those memories, all I can think of is her last 6 weeks and specifically the last days that we stayed in her hospital room until she passed away. I pray the day comes when I can think of her and smile instead of cry. I miss my mother so much and would give anything to have had more time with her...instead I have to figure out how to come to terms with her death and learn to live without her.

After reading all the posts it's obvious that no matter who you lose be it a mother, father, sister, brother, daughter or son, we all feel the same loss, emptiness and sadness. My little sister passed in February, 4 months after being diagnosed with melanoma just a month before her 48rh birthday. I lost my son suddenly on July 18. He choked to death after work. He was 30 years old and we were closer than most mothers and sons. I saw him everyday, twice a day and then talked to him at night. For the first month and a half, I cried non-stop. I couldn't find a reason to smile or even think happy thoughts. I want my son back and there's no way to get him back. I keep pictures of him when he was young on my laptop as the wallpaper and it doesn't bother me because that person grew older, it's the latest pictures that I can't deal with. The ones taken right before he died, that person wasn't able to grow older. I am facing the holidays, his birthday and really just everyday without him. I have gotten in contact with grief counselors who specialize in the loss of a child, the loss of an only child and other things. I hope that they can give me the tools I need to get through this grief journey I am on. I am told it takes a LONG time and that we NEVER get over it, we just have to learn to live and love again. I have gotten with my doctor and got medication to help with the anxiety so I can deal with the stress of getting through each day. People say they understand but they don't, unless they have lost a child. My parents are both in ill health, my father had a stroke 2 weeks after my son's death, we are fortunate that it wasn't a bad stroke and he just loses words. My mother has been diagnosed with stage 4 cirrhosis of the liver so both have been hospitalized since my son's death. I never know when the phone rings if it is someone telling me that one of my parents have died.
I talked to my doctor today and we discussed what she calls my "new normal". It's not what I am used to and I have to adjust. We fought the entire 30 years my son was here to keep him healthy and alive, now I am just fighting a different fight with a different objective. I fight each day to make it through without falling apart. I cry everyday and refuse to apologize for it. I am able to control myself most of the time with the help of medicine and not cry at inappropriate times. But if I do, then oh well.
I would suggest contacting grief counselors, Alive Hospice has some good programs where people who have similar experiences can come together and share. Compassionate Friends also has some great resources that are specialized. Sometimes sharing your grief can help. I wish all of you peace. I am still searching for peace for myself.

My mother died suddenly in July 2011, 85. I'm her son. I left her for 10 minutes and when I came back she was gone, sudden cardiac death. I was her caregiver for 10 years, she had COPD. In the last few months she had been getting worse, and I was giving full time attention at home. My friends had drifted away, and since my loss I'm radioactive to those I still had some relationship with. No other family near by. Now I'm completely isolated.
I know there will be no more old-normal, maybe no more normal at all. I couldn't have imagined what I'm going through. I have to recreate myself completely, from a clean slate. I used to tell Mom "if you go, my life is over too", not really realizing how profound this would be. I have residual guilt issues (if only I had been with her those few minutes she would not have gone into ventricular fibrillation, which is true), tremendous sadness, regrets, and of course devastating loneliness. The guilt of not being there I've dealt with, it was just the way it was and I couldn't be with her constantly, though I tried. My other problems are more difficult.
I go out but the only way I can engage new people is if I don't mention grief and act normal. My bereavement support group is ok but meets 2 hrs. per week, and ends soon. I've tried to make closer ties to some of my fellow grievers. This doesn't work, I think together we just have too much pain. What to do? I have 0 ideas, money is going to dry up and I have trouble imagining a future. For now I'm day-to-day, some times I feel better and can still laugh, but really my heart is broken. Losses I've suffered before I could handle, much the way my siblings and others are handling this. But for me this is so different to those other deaths, a reflection of the bond and love we had I suppose. I've read books but intellectualizing the situation doesn't help, I can understand and agree with what I read but it doesn't matter. I try to follow suggestions, at best works for a few hours or a day. So what? My identity is stripped bare, really I feel like I have nearly no identity, at best half the man I used to be. I mostly feel weak, vulnerable and scared; in my pre-July life I was strong, assured and loving. Now I'm a needy weakling, I don't find myself attractive anymore, and neither do others. Now I burst into tears periodically, before the death I really can't remember the last time I'd honestly cried. There seems no answer but despair, my answer is I don't want to die today, so I carry on one day at a time. I've started to pray, which I've never done before, and in fact shunned. I don't know if this is hopeful or pathetic, but I've got nothing to lose.

anthro,
There is life for you after your mother's death. The person I gave birth to and raised to a man died in July, I left him and 10 minutes later got a phone call that he was not breathing and get there fast. By the time I got there, no longer than 5 minutes later he was gone. And he had not been sick, he just got off work and choked to death while eating dinner. The paramedics tried so hard to save him. I have flashbacks of him laying in my parents' floor and in the hospital with the tubes still in him where I sat with him until he had to be taken to the medical examiner's office. We have been in grief about the same length of time. Please check with hospices in your area, surely they have them where you live. They specialize in death and grief and don't charge anything. Speak with your doctor about medication for your anxiety and sadness, I am taking Xanax .5 mg twice a day as I need it to keep from crying uncontrollably at inappropriate times, it is helping some. When it stops working I will move on to a mild antidepressant.
They say that tears clear toxins from the body, if that's true, I am pure inside.
I cry every night when I get in bed and then get up and read the bible. So far I haven't read anything that helps me, but after reading for a while I am able to lay down and sleep. I cry each day, not like I did when my son first died. I wailed like a Banshee and it felt like I had been disemboweled. I still feel a huge void in my heart, and miss my son so much. Some days I can get through with just small sobs and other days I sob like there's no tomorrow. I visit the cemetery at least once a week if not more to make sure his grave is clean and that there is grass seed planted. It tears me up to do that but it's the only way I can visit my son.
I write my son emails every few days, telling him how I am feeling, what is happening, how his favorite football teams are doing, and pour out my heart and soul to him. I tell him everything I ever told him when he was alive but I have to keep telling him over and over. Just like I didn't just tell him once that I loved him more than anything else and that I was so proud to call him my son. This has helped me more than anything else. After I write him the emails I go into his account and read them. I have kept his facebook page up so his friends can post when they want to. You can write in a journal if you want, as long as you get your feelings out. It really helps.
My siblings have withdrawn from me since my son's death, they don't understand-you have to tell people EXACTLY what you need from them. That's the only way they will know. I had to demand that my sister start participating in our parents' care, my son, husband and I had been their primary caretakers for the past 4 years. I cannot take care of them since I cannot take care of myself.
My father has COPD too along with other illnesses. He's been very close to death several times in the past year and we lost my little sister in February so this past year has been hell.
Cry all you want to, someone said I was a strong woman. I told them I found out how strong I was when my son was born, and found out how weak I was when he died.
Crying does not make you weak, it shows you have compassion and are grieving for your mother. Cry when you need to cry and don't apologize for it. I try to exercise as much as I can, at least every few days. That helps to release endorphines and lift your mood if even for a few minutes. You can walk and cry with no one to judge you. I have access to a 24 hour gym and when I feel like I am going to explode at 1 am I will drive there and workout to get the stress out of me. It helps without getting me odd looks from others in the gym. Even yoga or exercises at home can help.
Everybody grieves at a different rate, my husband is a few weeks behind me in his grief journey, I was cussing God and mad and all sorts of things and he would tell me it was the way it was and there is no way to change it. Now he is cussing God and mad and having all sorts of emotions I have already gone through. I am in no way over my son's death. I will never be over his death. I will miss him forever, but I did not die. I have to keep going and try to keep getting better emotionally and mentally everyday. It's truly a journey and it takes a long time from what I gather from everybody I have talked to about it. I don't listen to people who have not experienced what I have, they do not have a clue. I talk to people who have had similar experiences and have survived.
You will survive it you want to. That is the main thing - wanting to go on. Would your mother want you to give up? Probably not.
You are not in this grief journey alone, since my son died, I have read so many stories of people's grief. We are in a club that we never wanted to join but we are here just the same. Please take care of yourself and don't always think you have to put on the happy face, it's not a requirement. But don't forget how to laugh, it's good for the soul. You will find yourself being able to smile and laugh and feel more normal, it's a new normal now. When I go a day without crying I feel guilty for not grieving for my son in the way I think I should. He would not want me to feel guilty about anything. Neither would your mother want you to feel guilty for having to leave her for 10 minutes. There is no blame to be placed in either of our circumstances-what happened happened and we were helpless to change it.
I was always told growing up that our days are numbered like the hairs on our head, my son's days were numbered to 30 years, 8 months and 17 days. Your mother's days were numbered to 85 years.
Find peace where you can. We are in this together.