Loss of my mother.
I have never done a post like this on a forum site before, so bare with me.
I am 20 years old and my mother has been battle a liver disease her whole life. Since my mother was 20 she was diagnosed with a disease called Primary Biliary Cirrhosis, she was always very sick and always in bed needing constant help, she would try her best to suck it up and spend time with her children, in July of 1999 she got her first transplant, everything went well and she was fine for a couple years, but then PBC took over her new liver. She battled for years with her new liver, still managing to do all her work she needed to do around the house, she was a very strong women who barely showed her pain.
My mother and the family were waiting on the list to get another transplant for her liver for 8 years, constant puking in the middle of the night, her constant screams of pain would break my heart. As i grew older i helped my mom best i can and i was always there for her for support and to help her do things around the house. Then on May 15 2011 she took a turn for the worst, she was rushed to the hospital and done more tests on, they found out she had diabetes(spelling?) as well so she stayed in the hospital, i never got a chance to see her that week until thursday when i was excited to see her for the first time since she went to the hospital on monday..unfortanutly it was a site that haunts me..my mother hooked up to machine lost her sight, and her mind, she was not her self, she was screaming in pain and wondering where we were when we were all right there in front of her. After that she was rushed to another hospital, she fell into a coma and was put on life support. Days went by with the family hoping we would see her again..but unfortanutly she went downhill, the doctors found an infection in her throat and lungs, her kidneys shut down, and her brain started to bleed. One night we got a call from the doctors with good news saying she hic-uped and she might wake up in the next following days, the family was so excited for the great news, but the following night was horrible..we got told she wasnt going to make it and her brain bleeding was to intense we had to let her go.
Now shes been gone since May 28th. Ive been lost, as her son and best friend i feel like i have nothing left, my friends and family are all kind of rude to me and treat me like i should be cleaning up after every one and that every thing i do i do wrong..she was the only person who gave me hope and belief in myself and i have no one i can trust as much as my mother..and i partially blame my self for her death..before she died she said she felt like we were giving up on her when i never would but mothers day came and i was too busy in my own life to stop and give her a good mothers..we got in a fight on mothers day and i said some things i regret..i feel like what i said was what pushed her to give up..
i hate this empty feeling i hate going into her room and seeing nothing but an empty bed i hate feeling like now its me vs the world by my self with no one to help me, no one understands who or how i am except my mother..and now without her i have nothing, i would never ever end my life but at times i feel so empty i feel like ive already died and now im living in this hell..how do i believe theres good in life when my mom was the nicest strongest women ive ever met and life took her away from me, how am i supposed to believe in a god if my mom constantly got the bad end of life, she never once had anything go her way..my dad was a drug addict who fought my mom to steal my sister and i away from her, my father was never there for me as a kid and i will never be able to trust or forgive him for that, and now without my mother all i have is myself.
How am i supposed to believe in the hopes for a good life when ive seen horrible things happen to such a perfect person..its not fair and it makes me wonder.