Hi Dennis, I am very sorry for your losses of both your father and sister. I lost my mother 7 years ago today, my only son shortly before birth in 1986, and then my only other living child, Erica, at age 18 this past June, in an auto accident. Whether an anticipated death or a sudden one, none are easy. I think we all carry our experiences with death onto and into the loss of our next loss we suffer, and it stirs emotions long-forgotten. I know of that place you described, thinking, "okay, I've got it together now, things will be alright, I WILL survive". Then, whammo, you lose someone, and it feels like someone pulled the rug out from under you. That is how I felt when my daughter, Erica died. Please come back and check in with us, share what you need...we're here for you. Emma in PA

Thanks, china cat. This whole thing is so surreal. I believe I might have mentioned this in a previous post, but my father's family has a long history of mental illness, largely borderline disorder and bipolar. Other things too. My father's mother and aunt both had to hospitalized due to these things. My father's aunt is still alive, and sometimes has "episodes" where she spends tons of money on crazy things (like 5 or 6 pricy vacuum cleaners), tries to accuse family members of stealing from her, and generally being very alienating. What I fear now is that my dad is slipping down that slope. He's always had a crazy temper and a huge fear of abandonment (both signs of borderline disorder), but now it seems he might be in some sort of manic phase as well. Of course, I could just be trying to rationalize things, because maybe I want to blame an illness rather than him. Who knows? One thing I do know is that I don't have to put up with people who treat me poorly, family or not. Some people think they have to put up with all sorts of horrible things from people for the sake of "family", but I'm of the opinion that family should treat each other well, and when they don't--see ya until you can act civilized! To answer someone's question earlier, my mom and dad had what they call "sweetheart" wills where they left everything to each other, and then to us kids. However, these wills might also be contractual wills. I need to look at the documents to tell, but basically, this type of will means that the husband and wife are making a binding contract with each to have their wills set up a particular way. So basically, my dad could never change his will to cut out me and my brother, because he made a contract with my mom that he wouldn't. This puts everything in a "constructive trust" for my brother and I, and a new wife could never touch it. This may or may not be the case for their wills. Honestly, I don't care about money or the house or whatever. But as a matter of principle, I'm willing to fight for my brother's interest in things--he does not have a very lucrative career and I know mom intended for him to have half the house proceeds eventually. If I really wanted to be nasty, I could litigate the thing for years, costing them tons of money and time. Of course, that's only if he does get married to this woman and things stay very sour. I try not to be vindictive just for the sake of it. All that said, I urge everyone to check up on their estate planning. Remember, you can never disinherit a spouse, unless they sign a pre or post nuptial agreement agreeing to be left out of the will. In every state that I know of, a spouse can always take a "spousal election" worth up to 1/2 of your estate, no matter what you have in your will. And get health care directives too. I worked in legal aid for a summer and it was heartbreaking all the situations that came up because people were not properly advised on how...

Getting married and having children may not be for everyone, but if they are what you want, health, emotion, and finance wise you can afford, why do you deprive yourself? after all you only live once, you have right to make choices. I was happy as single and child free, but being married and being a mother are so much better for me. Life is a lot more inspired, enriched and fulfilled. Here is one of many articles from internet. The link is http://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/marriage-rights-benefits-30190.html Marriage Rights and Benefits Whether or not you favor marriage as a social institution, there's no denying that it confers many rights, protections, and benefits -- both legal and practical. Some of these vary from state to state, but the list typically includes: Tax Benefits • Filing joint income tax returns with the IRS and state taxing authorities. • Creating a "family partnership" under federal tax laws, which allows you to divide business income among family members. Estate Planning Benefits • Inheriting a share of your spouse's estate. • Receiving an exemption from both estate taxes and gift taxes for all property you give or leave to your spouse. • Creating life estate trusts that are restricted to married couples, including QTIP trusts, QDOT trusts, and marital deduction trusts. • Obtaining priority if a conservator needs to be appointed for your spouse -- that is, someone to make financial and/or medical decisions on your spouse's behalf. Government Benefits • Receiving Social Security, Medicare, and disability benefits for spouses. • Receiving veterans' and military benefits for spouses, such as those for education, medical care, or special loans. • Receiving public assistance benefits. Employment Benefits • Obtaining insurance benefits through a spouse's employer. • Taking family leave to care for your spouse during an illness. • Receiving wages, workers' compensation, and retirement plan benefits for a deceased spouse. • Taking bereavement leave if your spouse or one of your spouse's close relatives dies. Medical Benefits • Visiting your spouse in a hospital intensive care unit or during restricted visiting hours in other parts of a medical facility. • Making medical decisions for your spouse if he or she becomes incapacitated and unable to express wishes for treatment. Death Benefits • Consenting to after-death examinations and procedures. • Making burial or other final arrangements. Family Benefits • Filing for stepparent or joint adoption. • Applying for joint foster care rights. • Receiving equitable division of property if you divorce. • Receiving spousal or child support, child custody, and visitation if you divorce. Housing Benefits • Living in neighborhoods zoned for "families only." • Automatically renewing leases signed by your spouse. Consumer Benefits • Receiving family rates for health, homeowners', auto, and other types of insurance. • Receiving tuition discounts and permission to use school facilities. • Other consumer discounts and incentives offered only to married couples or families. Other Legal Benefits and Protections • Suing a third person for wrongful death of your spouse and loss of consortium (loss of intimacy). • Suing a third person for offenses that interfere with the success of your marriage, such as alienation of affection and criminal conversation (these laws are available in only a few states). • Claiming the marital communications privilege, which means a court can't force you to disclose the contents of confidential communications between you and your spouse during your marriage. • Receiving crime victims' recovery benefits if your spouse is the victim of a crime. • Obtaining immigration and residency benefits for noncitizen spouse. • Visiting rights in jails and other places where visitors are restricted to immediate family. Same-Sex Marriage, Civil Unions, and Domestic Partnerships If you are in a same-sex marriage in one of the states where same-sex marriage is allowed (Connecticut, Iowa, Massachusetts, New Hampshire, Vermont, and D.C.), or if you are in a domestic partnership or civil union in any of the states that offer those relationship options, none of the benefits of marriage under federal law will apply to you, because the federal government does not recognize these same-sex relationships. For example, you may not file joint federal income tax returns with your partner, even if your state allows you to file taxes jointly. And other federal benefits, such as Social Security death benefits and COBRA continuation insurance coverage, may not apply.

It was chocolate with homemade (not by me of course) vanilla frosting with exactly 12 chocolate sprinkles. Then I had the strawberry one as well buy failed to count the sprinkles as I felt too stressed at the time. I had two because the first one did not do the trick. PO1 I have no desire to add to my stressful life by contacting my dad's other children. We were not raised together. Maybe it isn't their fault but their biological mother locked me and my brother in a closet for days during our visits to my dad's. I was 8 the last time I let her close and lock the door on me. So no thanks. I have no need for reuniting and reliving the horror I sustained while my dad was married to their mother. I'm sure she abused them as well but they did move away with her and have continued to stay in the same area as her so I bet there is some loyalty to her, she is their mother. I know where they are. My sister keeps in touch with them. My sister and I are so different. She is best friends to this day with a girl who stole her bike, pushed her in the street and beat her face in. That girl would be no where near my face after that attack but my sister is forgiving. The same reason she tolerates my dad's inability to commit to being her father for longer than a week after 40 yrs. What surprises me is that she was 13 when he left and so she was very effected by it but she just has this need to know all of her blood biological relatives. The same way that she is attached to antiques and old pictures. I honestly don't care for the junk. I have no attachment to blood ties - maybe because I am 100% effected by being raised and loved by people who are not blood related to me. I have an entire family of non blood related people through my stepdad. My sister is not close to them because she was older but I was still in diapers. I don't feel the need to go off and find all of my dad's offspring. I'm sure there are more out there. He is good at reproducing. I just feel no attachment to them. Maybe I am weird but I just feel nothing. One half brother is dying. He has aids. He doesn't take care of himself. He prostetutes.. Why would I want to even say I'm related to someone that is possibly spreading a disease because he is ignorant and angry? I have NO desire. I dont care to know the other one either. The one time I did talk to him, he told me he remembered that I stole his toys. I was 5! He was still holding it against me. I had to steal something otherwise I was locked in a closet or not fed. I needed something to draw attention to myself! I have overcome that abuse. It never really defined me. I never really had issues. I was a great kid. So was my brother. My brother went on to serve our country freely and proudly for the last 17 years. So proud of him! We both overcame it and although I know it wasn't their fault what happened, I just don't want to bring that back in to my life. As far as my dad, I just don't know what I want right now. I considered writing him a letter and just calling it the end. No more contact. Move on. But the other part of me is scared I'll need his kidney one day. Actually that was a joke. I think putting it in writing makes it final. I don't want to hurt my dad. I don't want my words to burn into his eyeballs but I'm certain I just don't want a relationship with him. I just don't know if I want or need to tell him. I have nothing to get off my chest. I have told him all of the things I am sharing with you all, already. He knows it all and all he can do is say I'm sorry, again. I don't want him to say I am sorry. I know he is. I just have no interest. Do you think I'll change my mind as I get older? Not sure. JMT for the record, I agree with you 100%. I already said that and I don't think you need my approval but I completely get what you are saying. A bio parent that gives their child up for adoption is no more a deadbeat than a man who gave up his rights for the same reasons. Just because you both didn't give your child up doesn't change the circumstances. Maybe it would be different to PO1 if you BOTH gave the child up for adoption. Then you are selfless and did what was best for the child. For some reason we as a society say that because MOM kept the baby then dad should have to keep the baby too. But you have opened my eyes to that just isn't how it is nor should it be. I would probably have been so much better off had my dad just walked away and never looked back. Instead he wanted to drag us around to each girlfriend/new wife he had where I sustained abuse and guess what... Dad wasn't home anyway. He was always at work.