Just lost my mother a little over 3 weeks ago :(
This is my first post. Just lost my mother a little over 3 weeks ago. Thought I might find comfort in a "grieving forum" like this. Reading about experiences and tips for coping from others who had lost love ones before me (or after).
I lost my mother to a sudden massive heart attack. We (my immediate family...father and younger sister) didn't see it coming. The night before it happened my mother and father had just attended a 40th Wedding anniversary celebration for one of their close friends. She was fine. No signs.
Then the next day, May 30th, my sister finds her slumped against the wall in our powder room of our house. She was so histerical at first she couldn't communicate. Just kept yelling out my name and "Mom!! MOM!!!".
Any how, the parametics came and did what they could. Firemen came first. Found that strange at first. And because my mother had refused to see the doctor for too many years we couldn't tell the parametics what kind of medical afflictions she might have. We all had no idea what kind of considtions she might have been suffering from inside.
What pissed me off inside was that two of the fireman were giggling. What about I had no idea. Just ignored their unprofessional behavior. Didn't want to start anything. Even one of the parametics giggled. But stopped quickly realizing where she was. Don't know if they now know my mother passed roughly an hour later at the hospital.
The doctors tried to do what they could I suppose. Spent over an hour I think. Used an external pacemaker. Didn't help. I had to wait at home while my father and sister were at the hospital because we have a dog. We all thought it wasn't that serious because the she was breathing as the parametics wheeled her out of the house. They seemed happy go lucky. Like it was nothing serious. We thought she would be coming home that night.
That night was rough. We all couldn't sleep a wink. I spent the night/morning pacing around the house.
That week was the worst. Next day, a Tuesday (May 31st), we had to go to the funeral home to make arrangements and then to lunch. Wasn't that hungry but did eat a little something. Tough day. Broke out crying a few times. Wasn't thinking of her at all. I just lost it. I was numb that entire week.
Then on the Thursday we had to go to the crematorium. As it was her wish to be creamated and later have her ashes scattered over a body of water...won't be dealing with that for a few months at least. As we said our goodbyes I lost it again. Legs went numb and immediately had to sit in a chair. I couldn't even stand in the room where the oven was all the time. Kept walking in and out. Crying uncontrollably. I was a mess.
I've never cried like that in my life. I think my rib cage was heaving. Rising up and down in rhythum as I wept. Later in the day I felt pains in my solar plexes region. Was as if some one punched me there.
I couldn't stand in the room with the oven because I didn't want to have horrific visions later. But so far I haven't. A good thing.
Friday was the day of the service. Another very hard day. Seeing lots of old family friends. The service was 2-4pm so obviously many couldn't attend. But those that did...there was a very good showing as most of my parents friends are retired.
Was happy my oldest buddie showed up. He luckily had time off in the afternoon. Glad he was there. And happy to see as many of my parents good friends show up.
Btw...my mother was only 68. My father is 78. Or so. I'm male...in my late 30's.
Sorry for going on so long. Guess I had to let that out.
Any how, these past weeks have been better. Though I still have periods of depression. Usually in the morning. Feeling better as the day went on.
I too have been going through a "rollercoaster of emotions" as one of the members mentioned. Questioning life, god, my existence...etc. Asking myself questions like "How do I go on?" over and over. When I first asked myself this in the later part of the first week I couldn't answer it. Had a few "panic attacks". I'd never wish those on any one. Never had them before.
Found I usually put myself there. Making myself depressed enough.
Luckily I haven't had any panic attacks for over 2 weeks. Just periodic bouts of depression. Usually in the mornings as I mentioned.
Guess I better stop here. :) Haven't gone back to work yet as I am presently unemployed. So, I don't know how that will feel when I start working again.