Dad died

brianmw

I'm 17 years old. When I was 13 my parents divorced. My dad moved to Almaty, Kazakhstan and the last time I saw him I had just turned 16...a bit over a year now. Yesterday the American Embassy in Kazakhstan informed my mother that he had died in the night due to a gas leak in his apartment.

I had been planning a trip to go visit him this summer, and had only just recently gotten my passport. The other day I sent him a scan of the passport so he could get everything worked out for me to visit him, and now I won't get the chance..

I don't know what to do, I've never experienced death in the family,and to lose someone who I was so close to is really hard to deal with. I really liked my dad, we e-mailed often and when I was younger we were hardly seperable. And being able to go visit him was something I was really looking forward to.

I feel like i'm the only one in my immediate family who cares. My mom was really mad at him for the reason they divorced, and my sister doesn't like him because she just does whtever my mom does. My mom teared up, but only when she was saying how she didn't know what to say to me.

I feel depressed and have had thoughts of suicide, my dad meant the world to me. He was the only family member I really got along with. And his support helped me get through many hard times.

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sylviatexas1

Oh, Brian, I'm so sorry.

This is a tragedy, & not just for your dad:
Seventeen is way too young to lose a parent.

Please start thinking in terms of what your dad would want for you.

suicide?

no way.

You're the next link in your father's chain of life;
you're his link to the future, to the continuation of his name, his heritage, his memory.

Grief can be overwhelming, so get someone to share it;
I know it's what everybody always says, but talk to an older person, male if at all possible;
pastor, teacher, uncle, neighbor.

You're not alone, we're all here with you, & we care.

Please talk to someone, doesn't have to be anything heavy, just someone to talk to, & then post here again.

You're not alone, you're right here with us.

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Marilyn_Sue

I too am sorry to hear about you losing your Dad. Did he have any other family that you could talk with about him and what he was like. Sometimes keeping a journal and writing down your thoughts may help you. Keeping you in my prayers.

Sue

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carol_in_california

Brian, I am so sorry you are in so much emotional pain.
What you are going through is very difficult and the pain is intense. It is even more difficult because your plans to visit are ruined.
Live each day knowing he loved you and he would want you to bring honor to his name.
Perhaps you could speak to a minister or a counselor of even call Hospice and ask if they have any grief counseling available or if they can refer you to someone.
I wish there was more I do or say to help.
Let us know how you are doing and don't hesitate to come here and share your feelings.
(((((Brian)))))

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marygailv

Dear Brian, I am so sorry for your loss. My daughters were 15, 13 and 10 when their father passed away, so they know what you are going through. Do you have any keepsake from your father that you can hold to feel you are close to him? Lately I have been wearing my husband's high school graduation ring when I go to concerts and plays that our grandchildren perform in, it helps me feel like he is there with us. Please know that I am thinking of you and hoping you realize you are the one who will be carrying on his family name.

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jel48

Brian, I'm so sorry to hear about your Dad. You need someone to talk with, and it doesn't sound like talking with your mom or your sister is much help right now, but what about other family members? Did your dad have brothers or sisters? Are his parents, your grandparents, still living? What about cousins, either yours or your dad's, who can remember the good times with him and talk about them with you?

Like sylvia from texas, I KNOW your dad wouldn't want suicide for you. I have kids of my own and that's the last thing I would want if I died (or ever, for that matter).

I know it's tough because I've lost people too. But please hang in there. It sounds like something people just say, but it's true that it will get better. It really will. Someday, maybe not soon and maybe not for a good long while, you will think about your dad and you will smile, because the thought you just had was a good one. That would make your dad happy.

I'll be thinking of you.

Joyce

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des_arc_ya_ya

Brian, losing a parent at any age is difficult - even more so when the survivor is as young as you are.

You've gotten a lot of good advice. Please just take each day at a time and don't make any rash decisions. Grief is a strange and strong thing to have to go through.

Come back and let us know how you're doing. We care about you and want the best for you.

My sincere condolences on the loss of your dad.

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wildchild

I am so sorry for your loss. I know you feel entirely alone right now. I can't say it better than Sylvia. You are his legacy to the world. He would want great things for you. Don't disappoint him. Like Sylvia said. Continue the chain of life as a gift to him and your memory of him.

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sjerin

You must be absolutely numb right now and still unable to process this tragedy. I so hope you can find someone to talk to--call any library or church and ask if they know of a program for grieving people. There are many and it can be quite helpful to be amongst people who are feeling the same pain you are, and you don't need to talk in a group until you're ready, or not at all. I googled "program for teens who have lost a parent" and got this page: (Sorry I don't know how to post it properly--can you copy and paste?)

http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&client=firefox-a&channel=s&rls=org.mozilla%3Aen-US%3Aofficial&hs=0Wt&q=program+for+teens+who+have+lost+a+parent&aq=f&aqi=&oq=

My dad died when I was 18 and in my first year of college. It happened during spring vacation and when I went back no one said anything to me about him, admittedly because kids especially don't know what to say and so choose nothing. It hurt like anything and I so badly wanted to talk about him. In those days (30 years ago,) there wasn't the help that there is now. Please make the effort to reach out, please. Your dad would want you to do that. I'll pray for you too and will be thinking of you.

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socks

Dear Brian, I am so sorry and saddened to hear of your loss. You are not only suffering the heartbreaking loss of your dear father, but you are feeling your mother and sister don't share your grief. It's just so much to bear at once. (They could care more than you know, but because of past troubles, they refuse to show it. Just a thought.)

I know your father would absolutely not want you to consider suicide. Honor his memory by putting that idea out of your mind. As others have said, find someone to talk with--school counselor, a religious leader, even kind friends can help. Also, don't hesitate to be open with your mother, telling her how you feel, but not in an angry way.

Brian, did your dad have any sisters, brothers, other friends or relatives you could be in touch with, here or abroad? That would comfort you so much. Could you still go to Kazakhstan this summer to see his famlily or friends there? If not Kazakhstan, here in the U.S.? You need a plan to be in touch with people who cared about him.

Please let your dear father's help and support get you through these hard times. He would love that, so honor him in that way by being strong. Know that you won't feel better soon, but in time you will.

Don't just disappear, because people here do care, so stay in touch and let us know how it goes. I can tell you are a bright young man. Would you like to share anything here about your father, his story?

Heartfelt condolences,

Susan

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hgl_gaylemarie

My heart breaks for you. When I was going through some tough times I went to "groups" and talked it out. I'm sending you my prayers, positive thoughts and if you were here I'd give you a big hug.

(((((Brian)))))

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enjoyingspring

Your Dad was lucky to have such a wonderful son, his memory will help you get through this tough time, just keep thinking wonderful thoughts about him.

Keep strong.

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cynic

I can't pretend to know what you're going through. We all deal with situations differently. My mother died when I was 21. I had one "advantage" I guess in that I knew she was dying from the cancer for over 6 months so I was able to try to prepare a bit. I do understand some of the situation you feel. It's difficult, stressful and very, very confusing.

I think you need someone to talk to in person. At least communicate regularly with close friends via email, phone, text or whatever is best for you. Feel free to contact me through my member page if you want to talk to me. I'd be glad to hear from you.

A school counselor is a good place to start. Just to talk a little. Perhaps get a recommendation of someone else to speak with. I don't know what your religious feelings are, but if you're a religious person, contact your clergy.

You and your Dad were close and that's SUCH a wonderful thing. CHERISH it! To this day, when I feel a bit down about losing my mother so early, I really enjoy reminiscing about some of the most fun times, the funniest things that happened and have a laugh. Yes for quite a while and yes, sometimes even today, there were some tears in there, but once the laughter started, it was and is, a real relief for me. I hope you find something similar to console you.

Losing close friends and relatives makes for very difficult times, but it's a challenge we all must face. Your Dad wouldn't want you to be burdened like this. Keep that in mind. You have plenty of stories to share about your Dad with others so his life will live on through and with you.

If you feel up to writing me, I'd be interested in finding out more about your Dad and his trip. I can imagine the disappointment you must feel. But again, remember that he still cares about you and is with you. You'll need to draw on his support and I know it's hard to believe, but you will feel better soon. Grief is something we need to go through. But we need to have a period of time and not dwell on it. Again, REMEMBER THE GOOD TIMES! You have them to help support you.

And there's good people around here too. We're here for you if you need us.

Take care buddy. Things WILL get better. Write me sometime. I'd like to hear from you.

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glenda_al

Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers!

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ronm80

I am so sorry. Will keep you in my prayers.

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gardenspice

Brian,
I know you are in great pain. It will take some time to get to a place that does not take your breath away with the hurt of it - but it WILL get better. Honor your father's memory by becoming the man he would want you to be. Honor your father by remembering the time and memories shared.
You must be able to talk about your grief - please, please find a group or a counselor who will work with you.
Be patient with yourself and with this sadness.
Sending best thoughts.

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debo_2006

Hi Brian:

I'm sorry to hear about your dad and want to offer my sympathy and prayers to you. My dad died when I was 19 (he was only 45). He was my world and I was his "favorite". Though he's gone, I think about him everyday and remember the good times we had. I'm now 50.

You're young and have a whole life to live, and the memories of your father will live with you never to be forgotten. Celebrate the time you had with him.

I encourage you to join a support group in your town. Do a search on the Internet or even at Meetup.com to see if there is anything in your area for this sort of thing. Talk to your school counselor and perhaps he/she can point you to a support group. If not, start a journal where you write down your thoughts of times you had with your dad and/or things you'd like to say to him or whatever is on your mind. It may help release some of the depression and you'll have this journal forever.

I know it's very difficult to deal with especially when it was a sudden death, but I can assure you that it will get easier. Life for you goes on. You seem like a great young man who has too much to offer to let life stop here. Suicide is NOT AN OPTION so please don't give it another thought. Just think of all the hurt you would cause to the rest of your family and friends. And you know your father would never want that.

Try to reconnect with your mother and sister. They are probably hurting more than you know. Good luck to you.

((((HUGS))))

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quilly

Brian,

I am so sorry that you are experiencing this terrible loss. I wish I could reach out and give you a hug. The wonderful people here have offered you some really good ideas and I hope you'll think about them. I do hope you find a counselor that you can talk to or a support group. Let your Mother and Sister know how much pain you're feeling and let them help you now.

Please check in here and let us know how you are doing.

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Dora Vann Snider

I was quite a bit older than you when I lost my dad to a sudden heart attack. Remember thinking as we were leaving the hospital that my life was forever altered. It was an overwhelming pain. My parents were divorced, too, and I was an only child. My family reached out to me which helped but it still makes a hole in your heart.

That has been 25 years ago and I still think of him and how much fun we had over the years. He was my hero. The pain does get easier, never goes away, but is not so sharp.

I talk to my dad a lot and tell him about his grandchildren, how proud he would be of them and a great-grandson that he would love. It seems to soothe my soul to have these conversations. You might try that, too. Just how you are doing and what is going on in your life.

My heart hurts for you as you are so young to have to go through this, but my heart tells me, too, that you are a very strong young man. Your dad will be so proud of you.

Dora Lou

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brianmw

Thank you for all of the responses, they have really helped me in understanding how to move on. I really can't show how much I appreciate all of the support, it means a lot to me.

The rest of my family and all of my friends and their familys have reached out to me by calling or texting me and that has helped the pain begin to fade to know that I'm not the only person who cared about someone so close to me being lost.

Thanks for the support, all of you have helped me alot.

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curlysue

I'm sorry about your dad.
You are so young. His memory will be with you every day. Do all the good you can in this life, do it with your spirit, and with him in mind. Make your dad proud, he'll know. ((((Brian))))

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joann23456

Brian, I'm so sorry to about your father. You're so young to lose him.

One thing I learned when I was grieving for my mother, and later my father, was to remember that your emotions are temporary. No matter how awful you feel this minute, you won't feel the same way forever.

Another thing for when you *do* start to feel better - don't feel guilty. Sometimes, you can start thinking, "How can I even think about going out with friends and having fun when my father just died last week(month)(year)." Don't give in to that. When you feel good, go with it.

As others have said, the best way to remember your father is to live a full life and become the kind of man who would make him proud.

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alexis717_df

Brian, I'm so sorry you've lost your father at such a young age.

ALL of the above advise is excellent, so all I can say is listen to them. Most, if not all, of us here have been through a close family member or dear friend passing. What helps me is talking to them, sometimes out loud, like their right in the room with me and sometimes just inside my mind. I don't know if they can hear me, but I like to think they can, and it brings me comfort. A way of staying connected.

Living life well is the greatest tribute you can make to your father.

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debo_2006

Brian:

I'm happy to hear that your friends and family have reached out. Just make sure you don't turn them away because now is when you need their support the most. They love you and reaching out shows how much they care (so know that you are not alone). And talking about the memories will surely make you smile again. It still makes me smile when I talk about my dad even after the 31 years he's been gone.

Just remember, you are still young and have a full life ahead of you to be whatever you want to be and do whatever you want with your life to make your dad (and yourself) proud. He'll be watching over you from Heaven, for sure.

As a side note - Now that you have that passport, you'll be able to travel abroad whenever you choose without the last minute scramble of getting one.

Good luck to you and I wish you well.

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organic_donna

"I feel depressed and have had thoughts of suicide, "
Those are very serious words. We all suffer great losses but nothing is reason enough to take your own life. You need to find a grief counselor. Don't try to go through this alone. You are very young. You don't have the life experiences to know how to get through this tragedy by yourself. My father died when I was 12. I do know how you feel.
Become the person that your father would be proud of. That is the best way to honor his life.
donna

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trinitytx

Brian, just hang in there. You will understand these words much more as time passes.
You need to make you dad proud. That is most important right now. Just take one day at a time and know that we are all here for you when ever you need to talk.

Big hugs to you, and just know we all thinking about you and care.

Trin

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danihoney

Brian, I'm so sorry for your loss and sadness. You are getting great advice here so I'll just send my love and support.
When my grandfather passed I was devistated. I was numb for almost a year. I took it one day at a time and eventually I found a "place" for my grief and went on. I knew he was okay where he was and he wouldn't want me to be sad.
One thing I did that really helped me, I continued writing letters to him. Almost like you would when writing in a diary. I would write to him then just put the letter in a drawer. It really helped me to keep feeling connected go him. You wrote how you and your dad emailed, it might make you feel better to continue talking/writing for a while.

Best of luck to you Brian. You sweet boy. You will be happy again, I promise.

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kathi_mdgd

Brian,i'm also sorry for your loss,and sending condolences to you.You've been given lots of good advice,and all i can add to that is make your dad proud.You will not get over this,but you will get thru it and each day you'll be stronger.
Kathi

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billandterry

Brian, sorry for your loss. My ex husband passed away when our daughter was 13. She was also at lost. You have received wonderful advise here. My advise would be please talk with someone...it does help. You still have so much to give, and so much life left, it will get better with time.

You are in my prayers.

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