I miss my dad so much, i dont know how to live like this

jill318

I am new to this forum and I had to join because I have no one else to talk to. My father died on Sept. 14th 2010, mthe day before my birthday in ICU from 2nd heart attack. He and I got very close over the past 3 years because I was the only one left helping him get through a divorce and fighting for his 2 young children 16 and 11. My step mom used his previous disability against him through the divorce. My blood sister was on drugs and hasnt been helpful before he died or after. I was the one to hold his hand while he was dying in the hospital and come to every visit. My sister came the first night in ICU, then left me all alone to go through this. I knew he was dying, I could tell he was in pain and the doctors were not promising at all. I could tell even when a doctor would try to give me hope that there was none. I watched his body shut down, I watched him swell up from fluids and sweat but he was very cold. I knew it. I stayed with him til 12am in ICU but then had to get some rest, got a call in the morning that he had a second heart attack and they put him on a respirator, which was not supposed to happen I had a living WILL and they were not supposed to resuscitate. I told them that this is not what he wanted as I came to the hospital and went to ICU no one told me he died. I saw him on breathing machine but thought he was still alive because his chest was moving up and down. I gave him a kiss on the head and held his hand thinking he was still alive, 2 minutes later a nurse came in and said he passed6 minutes ago, I was so sick to my stomach, i actually collapsed on the ground. I dont know how to get that last image out of my head when I saw him dead once I was told. I have no one helping me and I dont even see my half brother and sister because my step mother kept trying to use them so she could get more money from me. The minute I didnt pay, I was not part of their lives any more, but when she thought I would, they saw me every day and she pretended like we are all family. See my dad left me more than all other children because my step mom hadd already received half from divorce. She didnt think I deserved one of the higher life insurance policies. I have no one left on my dads side. I cry all of a sudden. I dont kknow how to deal with this and cant imagine going on withhout him. I cant tell him good news any more or listen to his good advice. He prepared me well in life and taught me a lot but there was still so much more to learn. How do I keep moving forward. I have several of his voice mails and i listen to them just to hear his voice. I miss him so much. I am also the Executor of the estate so there is so much more to do with his death. Im so tired and wish I could get his advice. I wish I would get a sign from him and I havvent and my blood sister has a life insurance policy she will probably overdose because of her drug use and now on top of how she was before, she is worse now because she cant cope with nnot being there for him while he was dying in ICU. Please someone help me with good advice

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melaska

Oh, (((Jill))) I am so sorry for your terrible loss. I just posted my story & noticed yours. Your grief is still so new...mine is 21 months old after losing my 27-year old son.

These first few days, weeks & months (for me anyway) will be a foggy blur. You do things because they are automatic. I remember feeling SO angry when I had to take the first shower afterward. "WHY do I still need to bathe!?! EAT??? Why is everyone just going around like nothing has happened, don't they KNOW!?!"

That numbness carried me through plus I had family here that I needed to cook for, watch grands, prepare for funeral, all of it. I remember finally falling into bed several nights later & finally just letting go on hubby's shoulder. We had to be strong for daughter-in-law, 3 grands & her family.

You cannot be responsible for what other family members do or do not do. Just focus on what you need to do and don't let anyone or anything keep you from what you need to do.

I remember listening to my son's cell phone message over & over just to hear his voice. That's normal & to be expected. Your tears will come & go. I remember when I laughed the first time, I felt guilty. We gathered at a close friend's house after the funeral and had a wonderful family & friend time together. We had to drive 300 miles to Anchorage from Valdez, Alaska so it was quite the challenge to arrange things from afar.

Just take it one day at a time...every day will be different. Do you have any type of support group, church, minister or someone you can talk to? I think just coming here will be good for you. This is the first time I've been able to 'talk' to someone about what happened to us outside of our immediate family. Just keep talking to us...letting us know how you are doing. If you want to read my story, it's right above yours for now.

You take care, Jill...again, I'm SO sorry for your pain. Please keep us posted on how it's going. HUGS

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shell121_live_co_uk

hi i lost my dad 1 year ago and miss hm terribly he was only 54 i reallly stll cant believe it , it was so sudden ,he died with pnuenomia he was on a ventiltor for 9 days then they had too take it off him cause he wasnt getting any better i miss him so bad and so does my kids there only young aswell and he thought the world of him my mum is totally devasted shes totally lost without him they were together for 30 years , i just had to come on here and talk because i feel as tho i cant chat to anyone caus i get really upset my life will never ever be the same without him he was my best pal he was in a wheel chair for 2 years because he caught mrsa in hospital and had to get his we leg amputated so that ws a big shock to us all but he got through it with all is supported family and his grankids that he adored so much, i really wonder if this pain will feel any better caus it seems to be getting worse i miss hm so much and i feel i should have told him all the time i loved him but he new i did my mum says i did everything for him , thankyou very much for listening xx

Here is a link that might be useful: miss my we dad so much

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