It's standard in my husband's family. We had practically the same guest list for my first 2 daughters, but their birthdays are in Nov and Dec, so we used our Community center and limited the party to 3 hours. My son's birthday is in June and we held the party in our yard. And that was where we went wrong. Yeah- some guests lingered till the wee hours of the morning. Really, I can't believe DH survived, b/c I almost lynched him when the baby woke at 2am, and my 4 year old woke up crying at the same time and he was still partying it up in the yard with some friends. I sent my 4 year old to the window to call him crying-lol. It has been settled it will be our immediate family and local aunts and uncles and close friends (which is 2 families). DH finally listened to my voice of reason. Thanks for all your input. I will update and let you all know how it went Mid-May.

I have a MIL and FIL just like that! And a SIL, BIL and wife too. Evidently, when the BIL's youngest daughter was born, they thought this would be the last grandchild, Then, DH and I had a son (3yrs.) and a daughter (14 mos). When we asked if they wanted to spend time with the kids, us, anything... the response is always busy. They told other family members that they retired and they aren't doing grandchildren anymore, yet they moved next door to BIL to be closer to grandaughter. They didn't retire from bing grandparents, they just retired from my family. They have sleep overs, babysit, take the other grand kids to lunch, santa, etc. They never include my kids. Once, the BIL's daughter told my son to move out of his chair because she wanted to sit next to her "Aunt Robin, and that she was the favorite". My 2 yr. old son, moved to another chair. When I commented that that wasn't very nice to say, MIL said "Oh let her have her fun!". They only live 15 min. away. I have decided that I will not tolerate this behavior anymore, and nor will I make my children tolerate this. I don't want my kids to know that they are not the favorite, or that their family even has favorites. I don't want my kids exposed to the "demeaning way" that my ILs treat me. I dont' want them to think it's okay to treat anyone that way. My family begins here. My holiday events will be happy, fun, and surrounded by people who love each other. Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc. are at my house. If anyone wants to come, they can, provided they treat my family with respect and kindness. If not, they are not welcome here. In my house, I am allowed to say that, and inforce it. I haven't had the chance to say it yet, they never visit. Julie

In a perfect world, all grandchildren would be loveable, and all grandmas would be patient, loving saints. It is not a perfect world. Grandmothers are of an age where children were brought up to respect their elders, be polite, and speak when spoken to. Children who did not conform to these rules were spanked. Times have changed - Our grandchildren are being raised in a time when spanking your children can get you thrown in jail. Discipline is nearly non-existent for many. And Grandparents are only human. We might have problems of our own, including physical problems or depression. 2 of my own grandchildren are becoming thoroughly unlikeable. They have no respect for anything or anybody, are destructive and treat their cousins awful. I don't really blame them altogether, as I realize that my daughter is the root of the problem. This is not the way I raised her, but she sets an example for them of contempt for others, including me. If she speaks of people with contempt, who is to blame the children for acting that way? I go on with my life and refuse to let it get me down. What goes around, comes around. I can only hope that it will work out - Hating the child is not the answer. I let them know that I love them, but hate the way they behave. If things don't change, I anticipate nothing but trouble for the eldest, including jail if he doesn't change. Dianna

Ah, MILs! I actually don't have a complaint about my MIL. She lives in another country (probably part of the success of our relationship) and is a very sweet person. You don't hear many husbands complaining on message boards about their MILs, but I imagine my DH would have a lot to say. He told me this year (now 6 years into our marriage) that he almost didn't ask me to marry him because of my mother, who is controlling and narcissistic. I can't say I blame him, in retrospect. My mom would hug everyone in the room goodbye and shake his hand. She wanted to take me out to dinner for my birthday (on my birthday) and asked if DH (then my fiance) could pay for himself if he wanted to join us (he said, thanks, but no thanks, as did I). When DH and I (thankfully) moved to a different state nearby so he could pursue a business opportunity, my mom told me she thought he wanted to move away specifically to take ME away from HER. She has made all manner of rude comments and controlling efforts in his direction over the years. When I gave birth, she made a rude comment to my OB about DH (he was out of the room at that time, but I was there, laboring away). My DH remains polite and dislikes her so much he cannot bring himself to speak much to her when she visits. It's very clear where things stand. And yet, she still WANTS to come visit and tries to make me feel guilty she's not here more regularly. Her extraordinary capacity to deny reality (and believe that she's a "damn good" mother-in-law) amazes me! MILs out there, remember that if we could hear the other side of the story, it might appear far different than you think. You may have an uncommunicative son/daughter, but for all you know, your child's spouse nags them to call you. My husband has a fine set of parents (certainly they have their faults), but I regularly tell him to call them. How to bridge the gap between son and parents once he is married, I don't know, as my son is only 3. My brother is not yet married (although he already barely speaks to my mother and not at all to my father). My plan is to build a life of my own and not rely on my children to emotionally support me when I am old. It's a gift. I have no wish to be the emotional lifeline for my parents (yet admittedly, I already am for my father, who has no friends and no family, so I know what I'm talking about). I hope i am never one of those mothers inducing guilt because their son doesn't call or visit enough. I figure, it will be his choice. You can't force people to do things. I have been "guilt-tripped" into doing things for my own mother, and it only makes me want to run away. Plus, importantly, young people in their 20's/early 30's may still be discovering who they are apart from their parents. It may be important to them at this time to maintain more of a distance (certainly not always true, but in my case, this was true). If they go on to have children, I find that is typically when families may start to "reconnect" and the value of extended family is better understood by the new parent. Again, not always the case, but certainly true in mine. My mother now focuses all her controlling and needy love on my son, which is fine by me. He adores her. They are very close at this stage in his life (we'll see once he gains more independence), and I'm now expecting a girl which is exciting for all, particularly my mother.