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golddust

Is this just me or is this rude? Need reality check.

golddust
11 years ago

My SIL called and she and my BIL are visiting this weekend. They have visited us twice in 23 years and live close to where my MIL lived. My SIL had not been in our MIL's house in 16 years prior to us asking her to come live with us. She came to the house while we were packing, pulled out things, didn't pack a box and stayed for about an hour each day. Her kids didn't even call or stop by to say goodbye. Truth be told, I'm the only one in the family who liked her and defended her.

I've been working my butt off to combine two homes with someone who wants to keep everything. We moved her things in on Saturday and I've spent days washing the precious glass ware. She called Tuesday to say they were coming. I asked them to wait until we got settled. She said they were coming to "help." She asked if I was going to keep them from visiting 'Mom'.

But combining households isn't as easy as just moving someone to a new home. As much preparation as I did didn't prepare me for the vast amount of stuff that was coming in. Still, I am plugging away box by box, every waking moment. The last thing I need is company right now. She gave me her terrible cold and now they are popping in for an unwanted visit.

I don't bring crap to our family so I just told 'Mom' that they were coming to visit this weekend, like it was a good thing. She said "M wants to see what you got." I said "I didn't get anything. It's all your things. When all is said and done, it will be split up equally." MIL has sulked about her GD's not saying goodbye to her when she left.

Anyway, I think it's rude and it has put so much pressure on me that I called my local family and we are having a major work day tomorrow. We are taking every box we haven't gone through to storage and hanging her pictures in her sitting room. We will look like we are miracle workers before their visit six days after moving her here.

Am I being silly to think it s rude of them to insist on a visit at this time?

Comments (79)

  • sweeby
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Some good points have recently been raised --

    -- Like the anxiety, jealousy, anger and greed SIL may be feeling possibly being exacerbated by any 'hiding' she may perceive. What you'd reasonably consider 'safeguarding' she'd probably consider 'hiding' or 'theft'.

    -- And I love Rose's point about itemizing your capital expenses (renovations for MIL) and ongoing monthly expenses to care for her and asking SIL whether she's rather contribute to those monthly or have you deduct them from the estate. Brilliant! (I'd keep that 'in my pocket' and pull out if necessary...)

    -- And sadly, yes, she'll need to be watched around small valuables...

  • natal
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    My SIL had not been in our MIL's house in 16 years prior to us asking her to come live with us. She came to the house while we were packing, pulled out things, didn't pack a box and stayed for about an hour each day. Her kids didn't even call or stop by to say goodbye. Truth be told, I'm the only one in the family who liked her and defended her.

    I don't want them to leave with the vision of her living in a mess. I want them to leave with the feeling that we are honoring her and including her in our lives. I want them to see that the things she cares about are still all around her. I want them to know that she matters to us enough to do all this.

    I don't understand why you'd think for a second that she cares about your MIL's living arrangement. She didn't care for 16 years; why would she care now?

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  • Oakley
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    HH, how interesting you said to "watch her like a hawk." On the way home from my MIL's house, the night she died, our DS told DH to watch my SIL "like a hawk." lol

  • teacats
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Truly wonderful advice and excellent points above!

    Yes -- clean/clear the house so that SIL will see what trouble and work and loving home that you have provided for your MIL.

    Yes -- an EXCELLENT idea to itemize and list your expenditures!

    Yes -- put her to work with chores! :)

  • lynninnewmexico
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    You're a great person with the kindest heart that any husband and MIL should be proud to call family, Goldie.

    All the above advice here is great. Good advice from Oakley, from a personal and a legal point of view.
    Anele: great!
    Deedee: LOL! But this really is a very good idea. I'd definitely tell her that you're exhausted from all the moving, but if they insist on coming to help, you have specific things you need for them to commit to. Don't say you'd like them to help with. Asking them to commit to specific things will lock them into (hopefully)actually doing them. You might even add, "Good, I'll make a note of that on my list of things needing to be done that weekend." That will really get her attention and it will establish that you're serious you're not going to be her doormat.

    My only addition is that, regardless of the kind of person your SIL is, it's very obvious to me that she's learned early and well how to manipulate people by using guilt. Hope you can keep her from doing that with you.

    BTW, like everyone else here, I think she is an incredibly rude and inconsiderate person
    Lynn

  • User
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Well, I'm late to the party but just want to say I agree with a lot of the things mentioned here especially with what Lynn said, your husband's family is lucky to have you.

  • Olychick
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I didn't read other responses fully, but perhaps you can tell sil that it turns out it IS a perfect time to come, that mil is ready for a little less chaos and they could take her to a (insert appropriate location) place at the beach, in the mountains, etc. for a couple of days and she can relax and visit with them while you and your hubby finish getting her things settled in.

  • geogirl1
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    "I want them to see that the things she cares about are still all around her. I want them to know that she matters to us enough to do all this. Weird but true. When company comes, I like my house in order and they are company. that is why things are going to storage."

    You are an angel to do all that you have done for your MIL. The part described above, though, is on you. I understand, I used to be that way too. They don't care that she is loved and moved in and well cared for. If they did, they would have been in her life more when she lived near them! So, all the work of moving everything to storage, you are doing, not because you are afraid SIL will take things, but because you need it to be that way. This is your need to have everything perfect, not their need. They are saying we are coming to help you put things in order. You find it necessary to have things in order before they get there. This is you, not them.

    You are still awesome to do all you've done for your MIL. I think your BIL honestly wants to come and help. So they are coming to help. There will be nothing to help with though. Maybe BIL really, really would like to help. Help his mom and help his brother and SIL. Just something to think about.

  • theroselvr
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I just went back & scanned some of your older posts; 1st I want to say that you have been very quick to get this in action! You had her with you for a few weeks; so it sounds like you know how this will go & she has so much more support where she is then where she came from. I didn't realize there was another sibling who sounds like they've been pretty involved as well. You've covered your butt as much as you could; thankfully there is the other sibling & hopefully they will stay on your side.

    After reading the posts; I really have no clue what to make of the SIL & the visit & it could be that when you stepped up; they lost the control that they had even though they never did anything for her. Sounds like they're left with lots of egg on their face & are trying to deal with that.

    I also would not be comfortable with SIL helping to go through my things to get MILs stuff situated. Sounds like they will be making a wasted trip. I would find something for them to do with MIL; even if it means taking her to church & lunch.

    I'll be interested to hear how this works out. Have you thought to ask SIL what's going on with them? Might be worth it to see where they are coming from.

  • JennaVaNowSC
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Goldie,,, I think SIL is incredibly rude. Thoughtless! I love the advice you have been given. Especially that from Olychick.... yes, why don't you say "Wonderful, you can take MIL to - - - (like Oly said, the beach, whatever is nearby) for a couple days, so she can enjoy her time with you, exclusively. And WE can continue getting her belongings settled into our home".

    If you are unable to do that, or MIL would not want to, then I would be very sure her jewelry and other valuables are stored away.

  • golddust
    Original Author
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Today we had a major work day with family arriving by the carload. We got so much done, it is unbelievable. Even with two babies to care for. I love my family and texted ll of them tonight to thank them. Most everything is in storage except the boxes of chores we have saved for them. I took pictures of her pictures arrangement around her room and they can look at my pics and hang them in the same arrangement in her sitting room.

    They can wash her tea cup collection and put them away in the cabinet. Also there is her hope chest to move upstairs and a few boxes to break down. Her clothes need going through because she doesn't wear many of them as they don't fit her.

    I'm just going to be gracious for 'Mom's' sake and give them needed chores. Meanwhile Mom is very happy here and her stuff is blending well with mine. She has more formal taste than I do but whoever designed my dining room china cabinets was a woman after MIL's heart. It is filled tobthe brim with good glass and china. She must be smiling at her dining room from the here after.

  • work_in_progress_08
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Another who has arrived late to the party. Your SIL is beyond rude, and her husband probably a bit clueless or at the very least overlooking his wife's horrid behavior.

    Do you really think her intention is to arrive with the sleeves rolled up intention of helping settle Mom? I think you've given her enough to do, although I think I would have her clean bathrooms...

    You mention the blending of your & MIL's things in the DR. Just keep an eye on your SIL to ensure nothing "disappears" from your home.

    Can't wait to hear how the visit goes. Be firm that regardless if "she in such a finacial hardship that she needs her inheritance early?" that isn't an option at this time.

  • cyn427 (z. 7, N. VA)
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Also late. I suppose they are already there. I would have said, "Sorry, we can't possibly have you here now since we havn't moved MIL in completely. I would be happy to give you the number of a nearby hotel. We would also be happy to meet you for dinner at a nearby restaurant, but I am just too exhausted from the move to cook for a big crowd."

    Sometimes, you just need to say no.

  • golddust
    Original Author
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    They aren't in financial hardship. I think SIL thinks I'm overwhelmed and will fail. She doesn't know me well. They are expected in a little over an hour. bIL couldn't get the day off as first planned so they arrived late last night and went straight to their motel. I invited them for 10:30.

    I'm not sure what the motivation is. Her DH is clueless. My DH wants to keep peace in the family as much as I do. I don't lt her run over me and she won't be visiting storage.

    I'm programming myself for an enjoyable weekend. I'll let you know how it turns out.

    I'm so grateful to all of you who have taken the time to share your thoughts with me. I respect all of your opinions more than you know.

  • CaroleOH
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Goodness! Read all the posts and suggestions. Sounds like you've got it under control. Can't wait to read the update on how the weekend went.

    I'm glad you saved them some chores to do, give them a little taste of what your life's been about for the last 2 weeks or so.

    I agree that someone - preferably her DH or perhaps your DH needs to tell her to relax and back off. The poor woman isn't dead yet, so there's nothing to divvy up - especially diamonds!

    Once things get settled, you might want to sit down with MIL and ask her what her wishes are for her valuable glass ware, dishes, paintings, jewelry etc. She may say - do with it what you want, or she may say, I'd like X to have Y and Z to have X etc. Write it all down, have her sign it and have someone else witness the exchange so they can collaborate that it was her wishes.

  • theroselvr
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Trying to be patient...

  • tinam61
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I hope the weekend went well Goldie. You are a wise and caring woman. Sounds like you have been handling things perfectly!

    tina

  • jterrilynn
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    There is always someone like that in the crowd! My sister -in-law started taking things out of my father in-laws house before the funeral even took place. Luckily all the sons are pretty easy going. Even still they weren't too happy when all the jewelry came up missing. At first SIL denied it but later said it was given to her for the only grand daughter (her daughter). She has never admitted to the disappearance of four sets of nice pearls. I told my husband that really his niece should have the jewelry. He said its not that he or the others didn't get anything it's just that SIL was so sneaky and underhanded about it.

    You will get through this golddust! Glad you removed it all to eliminate possible problems. It was nice of her to give warning:)

  • mahatmacat1
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Ay ay ay...this is what happens when I try to catch up after an absence. I completely missed this -- I knew your MIL was moving in, but had no idea about this lovely twist. No wonder your eyes were closing involuntarily. I'm sorry to have timed my question about Daniel so badly.

    Unreal what some people think is acceptable behavior. I hope it has helped you to know that all the wonderful folks above have your psychological back and that you aren't the crazy one here.

  • golddust
    Original Author
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Things went well. I totally controlled the environment and held fast to a schedule. (SIL loves schedules. Her Thanksgiving dinners always have a time frame. It's from 2:00 to 7:00, etc.) They were welcome from 10:00 AM to 8:00 PM. My list for them was endless. They hung paintings and pictures in carefully chosen spots. The swag lamp was hung in her sitting room in the same spot it hung in relationship to her old living room.

    I was asked a few times if she could go to the storage and I said no. I had SIL sort through all of Mom's clothes and make 'Good Will' bags. SIL washed glass and the tea cup collection, washed the display cabinet windows and put the display back according to the photos I took. There was no time for breaks.

    I worked them hard, assuming they meant it when they said they were coming to help. We took them out to dinner Saturday night and had a decent time. I just refused to talk about anything other than the jobs needing done in order to make Mom comfortable.

    They were very impressed with everything. My BIL said that Mom seemed very happy and more 'with it'. We think so too. BIL couldn't believe how closely I replicated her sitting and bedroom here. I showed him the photos I had taken of the rooms in her house that we were using to guide us.

  • natal
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Good to hear it went so well. Maybe we were all too quick to judge.

  • User
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Yeah, I'm glad it went well too even though I don't see you as someone who'd typically let someone roll over you regardless of who they are. I had no doubt that you'd be able to control the situation and good for you for not holding back with chores! Considering they didn't help you pack, it was the least they could do Geeze... Odd you were asked once much less a few time about the going to the storage unit. In hind sight, I bet you're really glad you did that.

  • User
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I'm told by people all the time that I'm very considerate but wow, you did things I wouldn't have even thought of. Taking pics and placing the room so it was as close to what she had before is really neat. She may never say how much she appreciates what you're doing for her, but if she's doing a lot better, that tells you right there. I'm not trying to patronize when I say this, but you did a really good job Golddust.

  • theroselvr
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Good for you Gold! Sounds like you really had them working & my guess is that by the time they left; they wanted to get the heck out of there! Lol

    Glad you were firm with storage; did you ask her why she kept asking? lol What I don't get is that she had access to everything at your MIL's house; doesn't sound like she spent much time helping there. We'll see if she tries to schedule another trip soon. If seeing the storage is what she's after; she's going to become a pest. Who knows; maybe we're wrong? After what happened to me; I don't put anything passed anyone.

    I'm glad your MIL is safe at your house & sounds like she's comfortable. She really can't ask for more since you took so much time to lovingly duplicate her areas. How many people would even think to do that? I hope she thrives there.

  • lynninnewmexico
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I'm so glad that things went well for you and that they actually did help . . . and in a significant way, too. Good for you!
    Lynn

  • sweeby
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    "I worked them hard, assuming they meant it when they said they were coming to help."

    Hee Hee Hee ;-) Anyone remember that cartoon with the nasty, wheezy dog that always used to laugh like that?

    You Rock Goldie!

  • jterrilynn
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    You go girl!

  • graywings123
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    You rock Goldie!

    If I may ask, what was the context around the request to go to the storage unit? Did they want to bring certain items back to your MIL? Why did they want to look at a bunch of boxes? It's not as if the items are on display in the storage unit.

  • martinca_gw sunset zone 24
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I have watched this and am another in awe of your unstinting generosity. The effort you have gone to and sacrifice you've Made in giving up much of your home to your DH's mother is truly heart warming.
    can" t remember if you post pics on here , but am sure we'd all love to see the results of all the hard work you've gone to in reproducing her old, familiar surroundings. Totally get it if you'd rather not . Congrats on your backbone as well as your giving nature!

  • nancybee_2010
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    It sounds like you handled it wonderfully well! You are so competent and giving. I hope there will be lots of happy days ahead for you and your MIL and the rest of your family.

  • cyn427 (z. 7, N. VA)
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    So glad it went well. Sounds as though you handled it perfectly! Congratulations, Goldie. I agree with marti (welcome back btw-just read your name change post), nancybee, natal, lukki, jterrilynn, sweeby, graywings, lynne and roselvr-you are amazing!

  • anele_gw
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I would never have thought to handle it that way, and it was the perfect solution. Positive feelings and work accomplished. You set boundaries and stuck to them. So wise!

  • anele_gw
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I would never have thought to handle it that way, and it was the perfect solution. Positive feelings and work accomplished. You set boundaries and stuck to them. So wise!

  • mahatmacat1
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I'm saving this thread as an inspiration for how to deal with difficult, possibly undeserving relatives, as well as how to do right by the generation who gave us life. You amaze me, golddust. You're golden in so many ways.

  • golddust
    Original Author
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    As soon as I have a few minutes, I promise to post pictures. I did about 10 loads of her laundry today as we discovered she hangs her dirty clothes in her closet and just keeps wearing them. Plus we used her towels and blankets as packing materials so everything must be washed.

    As they were leaving, SIL said to me. I knew you would bust your butt if we were coming. I admitted I did but had lots of help. I told them it was important to me that they think of her in a put together house, verses a house full of boxes and extra furniture. They don't visit often enough to update their vision of Mom's environment so I felt I had no choice. I left the finishing touches to them, according to the photos. I thanked them warmly when they left at noon on Sunday so we could go to Costco.

    Her schedules are hard for us to make as we travel and traffic is unpredictable. Sometimes we are half and hour early and just hang out waiting for the time we can show up. She got a taste of that this weekend as they are early risers. 10:00 is late to them.

  • golddust
    Original Author
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Lukki, I'm not the type to be run over and SIL is a constant challenge. So far, I'm staying a step ahead. The fact that I have siblings and she doesn't gives me a huge advantage. Plus I don't get flustered or angry easily. She has a harder time working with people as an equal. She is used to her DH going along with everything.

    Mom wanted to give her car away to someone who needed it up here since she wont be driving. It's a 1997 Chevy Lumna, so it's not exactly a prize of a car but we have several people here who could put it to good use. She decided she wanted to give it to Aimee since Aimee helps her the most. SIL decided it was an asset that should not be given but rather sold. Well, my in laws have never sold a car. It's tradition for them to give away their cars to family members.

    SIL suggested we not allow Mom to give anything away unless we all agreed. She told me she had instructed Mom to find the pink slip so she could sell it. I said fine but since I needed her car to help support me to support her, she should just bring up her car to let people drive her places and she will maintain her asset until all was said and done. Then we will sell it as part of her estate. Her things are not assets until she is dead. Right now they are her things.

    So now it will cost Mom to maintain insurance, maintenance, etc. because SIL objected to her giving it away. Aimee sighed relief as it broke down on the way here and Mom paid the bill instead of Aimee.

    Mom is financially set but SIL just cut into her share of the inheritance because now Mom will continue to maintain the cars overhead because she won't agree to let Mom do what she wants to do with her things. I call that penny wise and pound foolish but whatever...

  • tinam61
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Maybe I'm confused, but why does Mom need SIL to agree to anything? Is your MIL incompetent? If not, SIL doesn't have a leg to stand on. Mom can do what she wants to do with her things. If Mom is unable to handle her affairs, then it should be up to her POA. That is how we work it in our family (my maternal grandmother). There are 5 grandchildren, but basically 2-3 that actually help (my sister and I and my brother when he can - he lives out of town). I do usually seek their advice in making major decisions, etc. but I don't have to. Thankfully, my grandparents named their POA, the executor of their will, their medical POA, ect. while of sound mind. It gives me much peace of mind to know I'm carrying out THEIR wishes.

    Also, someone here mentioned having your MIL advise you if there are things she wants to go to certain people. We also did that with my grandmother, but we did it when she re-did her will, POA paperwork, etc. (after my grandfather passed away). We made up a list of who got what (certain items - silver, pieces of furniture, jewelry, etc.) and the lawyer incorporated that into the will. Just a thought. Best thing is my grandmother has given us many items before she got to this point, so it was long ago settled and will not be dealt with at the time of her death.

    Again, you're doing great!!! Mom should flourish with your and your husband!!

  • User
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Ha, siblings do help in that area don't they? I am just so impressed. I have 4 sisters with very strong personalities and I'm sure I would not have been as graceful.

    One thing I don't understand though, since when does SIL get a vote? We have 5 girls in our family, some who have been married for a long time, others who haven't, and one who is very close with my Mom but regardless, NO in-laws will have the right to make decisions or even impose their preferences towards how our Mothers life or property will be managed. Are your husband and BIL both comfortable with her having so much authority? Why are they allowing her to decide what's best for their mother? If everyone is fine with receiving her input but not everyone agrees with her choice, maybe a vote is in order; or better yet, MIL's wishes should just be respected regardless of whether SIL agrees or not. After all, MIL is still here and enjoying life; she should know what makes her happiest.

    I also have to say that the only exception to the in law thing would be you, since MIL is living under your roof and you are involved with her care on a daily basis.

  • theroselvr
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Before my rant... The easiest thing to do with her clothes would be to get her into the habit of hanging it in the front of her closet if she's worn it once. I do this; I don't go out much & when I do; it's for an hour or 2 at a time; if I washed shirts that didn't get dirty; my clothes wouldn't last long & it's wasting water & detergent. I also have a few hooks in my closet for my good jeans that I don't wear around the house. I never put worn pants back in the dresser. If your MIL is wearing house clothes; those would get washed every day.

    SIL really doesn't have a say in what your MIL does with the car as she is not a sibling but a spouse. Very easy for her to say this or that & with the car; it was part of my point when I added what I did about my neighbor staying with me. It's one thing if the car is kept to use to drive her to her appointments; it will allow for her to pay her own way with gas (how much is it per gallon there?); it will be her brakes that will wear; insurance; etc.. but for a 1997 car that's got a Kelly blue book value of $1,000-$1,700 & not being used; it's ridiculous to even put insurance on it.

    Reminds me of my ex family.. I drove my dad for 8 months during his cancer; we drove 110 - 145 miles 3 to 5 times a week & put an extra 10,000 miles on my car; he was going to pay for my brake job (with rotors); they would not give me the money for it; they said that was the sacrifice I made. We also helped to get his 2 family house for sale & put our money out because he had his tied up in his new house & they've refused to pay my receipts; 6 years later it's still tied up in escrow; they paid an attorney to write me a letter signing my rights away to MY money. We could really use that $2,000.

    So what if she gives Aimee the car? Is the issue that Aimee isn't a blood relative? If 2 of the 3 sons don't care; a decision should be made by your MIL. The last thing she needs is a working car; kind of an invitation for her to drive again. My ex-neighbor (88) has been in 4 accidents; where he has totaled 2 cars since he left my house 1 1/2 years ago. If her car is being kept on site; what happens if she slips out one night & goes for a drive?

    Your MIL is still alive. It's kind of disgusting that every little thing is now part of her estate. If your MIL is ok to get rid of her car; take the KBB price; divide by 3 sons & that is the price Aimee "can" pay the 1 unwilling son his share; figure it would be about $400. Since your MIL is still alive; heck; divide it by 4! They will see how petty they are being. The link is below; while I used a zip code in your area; I did not do any specifics. You can also start signing people in that are helping. If they're taking a day off of work; figure their hourly rate. If you establish now how giving people are of their time to care for your MIL; it should shut your SIL up. It sounds like Aimee has been "clocked in" enough to equal the gem of a car. (SMH)

    I'm sure everyone can see how much stuff like this really aggravates the p*$$ out of me. The ones that are usually giving of their time are the ones that usually do not have much themselves. It sounds like your MIL appreciates Aimee's help very much & I hope you find a way to let her do what she wants with her own stuff. Hopefully something I said can give you an idea to let her do what she wants. The thing is; with your MIL still alive; she can legally do what ever she darned well wants with her own stuff. You're being gracious to include them in the loop; but it some point; decisions do have to be made & this may be a good time to show her that this decision was not wise to keep the car & just get rid of it.

    Have to love people that micro-manage!

    Here is a link that might be useful: 1997 chevy lumina

  • Oakley
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Okay Gold. Time to get a backbone here. You should have stopped her dead in her tracks and said, "She is NOT dead, and even if she were, it's NOT your inheritance, so back TFO!"

    You need to have a serious talk with your husband, and then he needs to talk to his brother who had best relay a firm talk to your SIL.

    IMO, this is the equivalent of my MIL laying dead on the floor in the next room while my otherwise sweet as can be SIL was laying claim on her things!!! It took my son to tell my DH to keep an eye on her, and my DH (who was the executor) immediately woke up and put his foot down on every move she made afterwards.

    You DH needs to start standing up for his mother, and take the load off your shoulders. You shouldn't have to be going through this, and neither should your MIL!

    Sorry if I came off firm, but I don't like to see people taken advantage of. And you've got a "Kick Me" sign on your back that SIL is loving right now. lol

  • golddust
    Original Author
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Tina, Mom is competent but she is needing more help as it is obvious it is increasinging harder for her to do things. DH is taking over paying her bills, ordering checks, setting her finances up with our book keeper, etc. she asked him or help in this area. Plus, she has lived alone for too long with little stimulation other than a TV. That would make anyone dull. I bought her a 'Word Search' puzzle book and she picks it up every chance she gets. She is addicted! I think she is getting sharper just being around her family and dogs.

    Mom is very sentimental. Everything she has represents a precious memory. Going through her things and asking her about them brings stories. "That was a wedding gift from such and such." She likes her things. She saved it all. She is attached to her things like they are old friends. now he wants me to have it all. LOL. Mom: "That is yours now." Me: "No, Mom. It is yours." Mom: "It is ours." Me: "This is our home." But it isn't going to work like that. Things will be shared between "her boys."

    Lukki, I remember now that you are one of five girls. As am I. I feel lucky to be the youngest as I remember watching how my sisters acted and making decisions on who I wanted to be. There is a large age span so I was observing teen drama as a toddler. I learned all the popular music from listening to my sisters playing the radio. I remember thinking from a very young age how I would do it different than they did. I'm still kind of doing that.

    I want to keep the Snell family together. I love 'her boys' too. They are kind and loving. I must keep trying to work with SIL without letting her bulldoze me.

  • tinam61
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Thanks for explaining Goldie. "I want to keep the Snell family together. I love 'her boys' too. They are kind and loving. I must keep trying to work with SIL without letting her bulldoze me." And I think you are doing just that. Like Lukki, I don't see you letting anyone pull anything over on you. It sounds like you have a loving family but the situation is causing your SIL to "act out". I think you are handling it great. I don't see a kick me sign at all.

    tina

  • User
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Aha.....no wonder!!! My youngest sister (I'm second to oldest) is like you and I bet it's for similar reasons! 4 out of the 5 get a long well now. As kids though we 3 older girls used to fight like cats and dogs while the youngest two were inseparable.

    I hope it works out and I'm sure with you manning it, it will, I'm rooting for you anyways. I still don't get why she has such a powerful vote though.

  • User
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I just went back and read your post about the stories, Golddust OMG, that is why I love old people in general. I had a great aunt and uncle who were real characters and I just loved them. They drove everyone else in the family nuts, so I was nominated to take care of them when they needed things.

    They would sit for hours and tell me stories about their days in Vaudeville. They later owned a company that made crafty decor and they'd go through their boxes and give me things along with a story. I still have them all.

    My Uncle passed first and now that I think of it, when my Aunt passed a couple of years later, her family who had never been in the picture before, swooped in and took all of the inheritance. They never came around when she was alive and didn't even said thank you for caring for her.

  • sweeby
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    It's clear you're a strong woman with both wits and a backbone -- but someone needs to straighten SIL out once and for all about 'assets' and 'Mom's things'. As long as Mom is mentally competent, she has the absolute right to do whatever she wants to do with her own things, and SIL has NO RIGHT to question or complain about it... She seems to have made entitled-sounding 'assets' statements repeatedly, and that is just so out of line...

  • maire_cate
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    You've been a model of graciousness - let's hope SIL doesn't return too soon.

    Several posters have asked what DH thinks and if has spoken with his brothers. Maybe I missed it but I don't think you've posted.

  • golddust
    Original Author
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    DH has been trying to let me handle SIL if I can. And I have agreed that I should. If he steps in, he won't have the tact I have and it could easily drive a permanent wedge in the family during this temporary transition. We think the dust will settle and they will get on with their lives. if they couldn't make it to see her when she lived 10 minutes away, I don't think they will be driving 3 1/2 hrs to visit very many times.

  • Oakley
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    You said you were the only one in the family who liked and defended her. If that's true then I'm sure her dh knows his wife is out of line and may even be grateful if someone other than himself spoke to her about her greed.

    Because you're her only ally, of course she sees kick me sign, I.E., allowed to be taken advantage of by going along with her ideas.

    Heaven forbid that anything happens to your MIL, but if it does and no one has put your sil in her place, this will seem like a cakewalk.

    Been there twice...AND I was just like you, but I was fortunate to have two people firmly watching out for me because I too wanted to keep the peace. It will only get worse down the road for all of you if someone doesn't take her aside...ASAP.

  • golddust
    Original Author
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Oakley, there is a big difference between being a diplomat and being a doormat. Ask anyone who knows me in real life and you would be rest assured I am no one's doormat. Never have been and never will be. There are different ways to skin a cat.

    I think she is a challenge but perfectly controllable. For Mom's sake, it is best to keep the peace while standing my ground. Having solid boundaries is the key. I look to how she handles things and feed it back to her using her own language. It has worked well so far. I don't need a man to step in for me. LOL.

  • lynninnewmexico
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Bravo, Goldie!!!