When they lived on a small farm in Rhode Island my grandmother bought some fertilized duck eggs and put them under one of her hens. One duck egg hatched. All pandemonium broke out among the hens and chickens on the day that duckling waddled right into the pond for a swim.

You have an 'odd duck' who is now part of your 'brood'. Learn to accept her for herself. Your DS chose her; is he complaining? She's the mother of your grandkids. She's probably a perfectly fine *duck* when she isn't being pressured to act like a hen.

Possibly we should look at it from DIL's viewpoint. I have four siblings. They all live with in spitting distance of our parents. For 18 years DH and I packed our brood up and hauled them across State lines to be with "family" for any and all holidays. DH took time off work. ALL of our vaca time was spent on these "family" times. To be an outsider in the middle of people who enjoy each other completely is not easy. They enjoy the play by play blow by blow description of what ever grand kids sporting event they were all just at. If one attempts to ask a question for clarification at best you get a "you had to be there", most likely your question is just talked over and not responded to. I would be willing to bet the DIL feels she has gone the extra mile being there at all. She is a foreigner in a strange land. It is wonderful you all enjoy what you like to do--I am guessing she has found it lonely to be surrounded by a group who do not NEED her to be a part of the conversation. I would find a way to allow her some happiness at Christmas,or be sure your chatting is about something she can join in on, or you risk her not coming at all--and she will keep your son/grand kids with her. We are so myopic, there is more than one view point here. Rude? Well she schlepped herself and family for your enjoyment--does that not give her any brownie points to fall back on?

I would be willing to bet that she is extremely, painfully SHY and the only way she can force herself to join in with you (going against every fiber of her being) is by loosening herself up with alcohol.

I can remember being forced into social situations with my XH and his friends that I didn't want to go to and being near tears and turning my back to them all for long periods just so I could survive the get-together. They were very nice people, it was all ME and my problem, not them, but I didn't know any other way to get thru it. I probably read a book, too, because that was my form of escape.

It's hard being shy and I'm so glad I finally outgrew most of that.

Yes, she was rude.
Mary

Just to answer the question you asked about the reading, I say that it is not exactly rude, just different. Honestly there are times during family gatherings when I wish I could disappear with a book, but I don't. I love to read and find myself picking up magazines from people's coffee tables when maybe I shouldn't.

However, it is courteous to go along with the traditions of the family you are visiting. If the worst thing she did was read a book, you should be happy, though. The drinking is the larger problem. Maybe she felt she needed some fortification to get through. If you come from a home where people can enjoy each others company by sitting together quietly and reading, then a lively card game and conversation may be uncomfortable for her.

My family always sat at the dinner table and chatted over coffee after holiday meals. It was a great pleasure to everyone but my XH. He would always go off to the other room, smoke and watch tv. He was the only smoker in the crowd. It seemed so rude to me and I found it embarrassing. However, at his mother's house everyone smoked but me and they watched tv all the time, even during dinner. I wanted to scream. I bet they thought I was rude by trying to engage them in conversation when all they wanted to do was watch Gilligan's Island.

Anyway, that sounds like a disastrous family get-together and I am sorry it happened. I think in the future you should just let her quietly read and the rest of the family should do their thing.

I think the others have some good points. Your dil may be trying the best she can. Your expectations may make it almost impossible for her so she has just given up.

I find it interesting how intolerant we as humans are of each other, yet we often expect others to accept us.

This is much like the post about my family going away for the holidays, but I can't or won't.

What is rude, is expecting someone who is fundementally unsocial to be social.
I have 3 sons and while I am a super extrovert, my husband is a mild introvert, our boys are a blend.
We do not make our introvert join in things he'd rather not. We allow him to be comfortable with himself and the situations he finds himself in.
He often will pop out..but it must be at his initiation.

Social pressure is what creates desperate suicidal people, especially teens.

I chose to allow people to be themselves, even if I don't understand where they are coming from.

Sounds like she suffers from a social anxiety disorder. She's using alcohol, to temporarily reduce symptoms. She's afraid,

I lean more toward "not rude". Yes, she is different from your your family. But then you've known that for several years... her first visit. And that you would still use that as ammunition to shore up your argument, makes me wonder how accepting you have been of her. Sure, after 6 days the difference in the 2 families styles might become a bit grating on one another's nerves. But I think she should be allowed her space & not "forced" into playing games she doesn't want to join. If she is most content & comfortable reading, then what's the harm in allowing her that, as long as she knows she is welcome to join? Accept that her style doesn't mesh with your family's. Otherwise you just foster discontent.

Since you alluded to it, go ahead & tell us about the restaurant scene & the frank discussion. This reading situation seems pale in comparison, perhaps.

If you made the attempt to include her and she didn't want to, let her be and go about your fun. It is hard to be the outsider. The drinking is another matter, if she drinks like that all the time it is a problem. If it was just that one day, it was probably a coping mechanism. My children and I were always the outsiders in my husband's family so I can sympathize with your DIL.

Love, love, love Chisue's analogy!

From this odd duck...I think it's right on the button. Having been married to an extremely extroverted executive for many years, I learned to cope with highly visible social situations out of necessity . But I was never completely comfortable and there were many times I would have preferred to have picked up a book and found a corner but decorum forbade it.

I support Sue's advice wholeheartedly.

Anne

Now we need to know what was said and why they stormed out of your house.

I have a situation with my older sister. One of her quirks is that she "doesn't like talking on the phone." She thinks an occasional email is enough. My twin sister is very upset with this. She feels that at times a phone call is warranted. News of a baby, or if a hurricane did damage etc.

I intervened and emailed my sister about how my twin felt.
She sent us both back an email saying she couldn't change, this is how she is etc.
My gut feeling is that I do understand if she says she can't talk on the phone than she can't. But if you call her, she can keep you on the phone for hours! Her answer to this was because she might have been answering a question.

It is difficult to understand that another adult could seem so insensitive. For us a compromise would be to say that she would try and call once a year. But, she just can't.

I do see both sides here. As stated she is your son's wife and the mother of your grandchildren. You don't want to alienate her.

I agree that the drinking was a way for he to cope. Among other drinkers, it probably wouldn't have stood out as much. I would be concerned if this is how she is getting
through every day life.

You will need to start over. Apologize for how the last conversation went and try to understand this from her perspective. Maybe with therapy, your DIL can meet you part way or at least a little.

For people who live in the realm of normal, it is very difficult to understand that just doing the basics of social behavior can be impossible for someone who suffers from a disorder.

I am an introvert and my DH's family is full of extroverts. Do you have any idea how tiring and hard that is for an introvert to cope with? Especially staying with them when vacationing?

When we went to my MIL's for a family dinner I would help in the kitchen but it wasn't long before the "remember when" discussions started and they were loud and boisterous. So yes I would escape into the living room and read the latest Reader's Digest which my MIL had a subscription for. It wasn't long before she always had the Readers Digest and another magazine on the coffee table ready for me to escape to if necessary.

She isn't being rude, she is trying to cope and protect herself as best she can. Yes, the drinking is a concern but it might be part of her coping with you. By the way, she may not like you.

Is she a good mother? How are her daughters behaviour? Are they well brought up, polite, kind? Does she work? Did she have to take time off to visit you? Christmas is hard enough on people without throwing in a 6-day family visit to the in-laws.

Judging by what you didn't say I'm guessing you and your family don't like her. And seriously that's too d### bad.

Re her first visit - And why should she be trying to impress you?! That's just egotistical on your part. How about you trying to impress her by welcoming her into the family. It sounds like that has never been done.

And for someone to say F-off to someone else in a restaurant would suggest that the other person wasn't innocent in the conversation and was probably the instigator with an uncalled for remark.

When you are thinking back about this visit it is imperative that you be HONEST about your part in the visit, your daughters part in the visit, your attitudes towards your DIL, your tone of voice to your DIL and to your son and his twins, how comfortable did you make them feel, did you even want them there, were they respectful houseguests (be HONEST), did your DIL take care of the twins or leave that to you, did you have warm and fuzzy expectations about this visit that just didn't evolve.

If you plan on any confrontations about the visit you need to be excruciatingly honest with yourself about your part in the visit and the past visits.

And remember what they say about family visits - just like fish, after 3 days they start to go bad.

See I am an extrovert. so is my family and Prince Charming's family is all introverts. I am miserable when we go visit. I try to get them to do things, like we were up there just before my DD went off to college. We knew that FIL was dying of cancer, so I forced myself and them to have a family portrait made at Walmart. Everyone showed except Tony's BIL, so the family portrait was incomplete. Now MIL wishes that BIL had been in the photo. Because FIL is gone. All they want to do is just sit there or go to Walmart..

When Tony and I first got together he had met my entire family on my Mom's side, including my Aunt Lib (usually wait to introduce her at the wedding lol) He had never seen such love and took to it like a duck to water. He now thinks his family is strange and loves my family gatherings on both sides!!

I say let her be an "odd duck" and realize that being overwhelmed by a loud happy family is scary to her and she needs liquid courage to be a part of it. If your DS loves her there must be something good about her...look at her and try to find the good things about her and you will have a much better relationship with her. For the good of family, find the good in her, and love that. JMO

chisue - loved your analogy. I need to remember that!

I can't express an opinion on the 'rude behavior' or not because I think there's way more back story involved.

I'm quite surprised that most of you don't think it is rude.
That is very interesting to me.
She is not shy. She is very very aggressive and wherever she is she is running the show.
She speaks before large crowds at blogging conventions. However at the same time, one to one interaction is difficult for her and she escapes into her book. It is very hard for me to understand.

If you visit at their home she is cooking and reading a book at the same time. Stirring the gravy or whatever and reading. She comes downstairs in the morning reading a book as she descends the stairs.
She has the temperament that she is always right and if you disagree with her she tells you off. She has told me off numerous times in the 11 years they have been married.
Our family is not large. I have two children and both my son and daughter each have 2 children. So on Christmas day there were 6 adults and 4 children.
What caused the incident??
Last night they were riding together to go out to eat and my son made a snide remark to his sister about her not coming to his surprise 40th birthday party (they live 6 hours away). My daughter said I was not invited. I knew nothing about it. My DIL exploded and said she most certainly was, that she had sent her a private Facebook message.so that is what started this interaction that
turned explosive when they got to the restaurant.
I talked to my daughter this morning to try understand how this happened. This is just not normal behavior for our family. She told me she went back through Facebook and there was no invitation. I'm not sure what happened. I do not think my DIL purposely excluded her. It was probably an accidental slip up.

So then after the dig about my daughter not coming and my daughter and her arguing over the invitation, my DIL started in on me and our family and started a running tab of everything that was wrong with our family.My daughter asked her to stop and she would not and then she started in about a professional organization that both she and my daughter were in and which she had been kicked out of for being unethical. She felt my daughter should have defended her .Anyway, it seems it deteriorated quickly and on the suggestion of my SIL, they left the restaurant. When they got outside my DIL continued to rant and as my daughter walked away, she ran after her
grabbed her and screamed in her ear Fu-- off.

end of the story my daughter called to tell me what happened and that she would be by to pick up her 11 year old and my son and wife were coming home in a cab.
They refused to ride home with my daughter

When they got here she started packing up to leave.
I talked her out of it saying that late at night in this state of
mind was not a good idea to get out on the road with two little children. That we should go downstairs .
The coming to Jesus moment had to do with trying to understand what had gone on and then we confronted her with the drinking issue. It has become very apparent to our entire family that casual social drinking has escalated into something more.
She often spends the night at our place on her way to her parents since it is a halfway point and this past summer she went up on my husbands computer and downed a bottle or wine in a 2 hour period.
Christmas eve, before anyone had cracked open the wine, she had her own bottle in the fridge and an hour later when we cracked open the wine for everyone, she had downed 3/4 of the bottle she brought.
She came with her own supply and she left today with an open bottle that was half full.
My very observant SIL observed that what she is doing to cover her drinking is to drink half of her husbands when he isn't looking and then drink hers.
My son has taken responsibility for egging his sister on.
In retrospect he knows he should not have done it.
The only innocent in this incident is my SIL who tried
to keep things from escalating.

No, she is not a good mother.
She does not work outside the home. The house is a disaster. My son comes home from work and the breakfast dishes are still on the table.
She turns the girls over to him when he walks in the door.
He bathes them and does the bedtime ritual.
She spends all day on the computer
The girls go to school with their hair uncombed and clothes so wrinkled they look like they slept in them.
Both girls have developmental issues, not issues of ability, but issues of maturity, and one some muscle tone issues.
We are not a boisterous family.However we do expect
some interaction on a day like Christmas day.
If you went to your future in laws would you not be on your best behavior the first time you visited?
I think most people would
On the fist visit we played scrabble which was her idea.
I wrote the word Zed which she was not familiar with.
She first argued it wasn't a word, then when I told her it was the British commonwealth name for Z , she said well, this is an english game and we can't use that word.
I said Zed is an english word. She said, we're playing an American English game not a foreign game, she stood up, took the board and flipped it and stormed upstairs.
My son followed and then the next thing I knew he was downstairs looking for a bottle of pepto bismal for her.

I still feel like this story is still pretty one-sided and there's a lot more we aren't hearing. I still have sympathy for the DIL. It takes two people to have an argument and if it was going on for a long time, she wasn't the only one with something to say. It all depends on tone and without being there, you're relying on what someone said happened, and probably someone who isn't on your DIL's side. Saying "I wasn't invited" in a neutral tone is very different than a snide "well I wasn't invited" and I can understand how that might be frustrating if DIL had worked hard to plan a party only to be told that. Again I don't know what happened but only the people who were there really do.

And to top that off with being confronted about an alleged drinking problem? Honestly a bottle of wine while on the computer for a few hours, or a bottle of wine on Christmas Eve doesn't seem like any of your business. As long as she's still treating her children well, and is not displaying behavior like drinking and driving (which you have not indicated), I don't see it as any of your business. It shouldn't be for her in-laws to address anyway. If her husband saw it as an issue (and you haven't indicated that he did) then he should handle it and only bring in additional help if warranted. It sounds like everyone was mad at her for the argument and decided to pile on her. Was that really the best time for an intervention? Did you REALLY expect that would go well and that she would be in the right frame of mind to accept your accusations?

I feel like she has become extremely defensive and that is aggravating the situation, and honestly I can't really blame her.

Also, from your last post that I didn't see before posting, it sounds like she may suffer from depression. And it sounds like no one is really caring or trying to help her at all except to confront her about everything she's doing wrong.

It is interesting to hear more of the story, chloe, thanks for telling us what went on...if she is aggressive like that I don't think she's that introverted...I wonder if the advice will change any now that you've added to the story...

Speaking before a room-full of people is NOTHING like interacting with people one-on-one.

I symphathize with the DIL. You seem very ready to counter every morsel of advice with negativity toward her while promoting what YOU see as normal behavior. It seems as though this relationship is doomed to failure because you appear to already have your mind made up and are surprised when any poster does not agree with you and your views.

Your son married her and she's the mother of your grandchildren. Even if you don't respect HER, can't you respect your SON and the choices he has made?

Have you had a "candid discussion" with your son about her? Just the two of you. No one else around. Not her, not your daughter, not your SIL.

I think I would start there. I don't think your are making up stories about her. I think this is exactly the way you see her. If she does nothing all day, doesn't even brush the girls' hair and iron their clothes before school, doesn't cook or clean etc. I would definitely be talking to my son.

He might say I'm at my wits end and don't know what to do. This is out of control, please help. But be prepared. He may totally resent you questioning anything about his wife and completely defend her. Then you have a rift between yourself and your son. Tread lightly.

I really hope this works out for everyone involved. If for no other reason than for the sake of two innocent children.

"She speaks before large crowds at blogging conventions. However at the same time, one to one interaction is difficult for her and she escapes into her book. It is very hard for me to understand."

This sentence is a classic characteristic of an introvert.

Perhaps she is suffering from depression?

"If you went to your future in laws would you not be on your best behavior the first time you visited?" Were you and your family on your best behaviour? It is a two-way street.

Can you talk to your son without being judgmental about your DIL's behaviour? Just an "I'm worried about 'Jane'. Is everything ok? Do you think she might be depressed?"

Just maybe, if you can, ask some open-ended questions without putting your own bias or judgments into the conversation. If your son doesn't want to talk about what is going on then just drop it. At least he knows you're open to a conversation.

If her children have some problems she may be also finding that overwhelming.

This post was edited by blfenton on Sun, Dec 29, 13 at 14:53

Also, I've heard it can be extremely isolating to be a SAHM. And I imagine it's compounded exponentially being an introvert as it can be very difficult to make and maintain friendships. She may be using the computer as her only way to socialize. It might be helpful to invite her out sometimes, just you two.

Maybe talking to your son on a one to one basis and suggest some type of counseling for either or together, because as the girls get older the situation could get worst. How do the girls act at school? Could the son ask for a conference to see it this is reflected at school? One thing that might either help or bring things to a head, is do a NO alcohol day when they arrive, and I mean this for everyone. ,

Does your DS complain to you about his wife? (How do you know about the children going to school poorly prepared?)

Public speaking is nothing like one-on-one conversation. Your DIL sounds very, very *stressed*. What's that about? Might you all do better with more sympathy and fewer accusations, or are you completely unable to find any common ground with her? (Maybe you just *can't*; then stop expecting more.)

Regardless, this is between him and her. Whether or not we agree with you that your DIL is rude, a bad mother, an alcoholic, or whatever...it's still between him and her.

Talk to your DS and support his wishes.

YOU as in in-laws confronted her about her drinking?

That is over the top rude on your part and it is none of your business. I do not think that a bottle of wine over a two hour period is excessive either. That is about 3 small glasses of wine and after two hours, that is not "downing" it. Regardless, that is between her and her Husband, not you and the rest of the family.

My Mother felt the same way about my brothers wife as you feel about your DIL. Honestly, your entire second and third post could have been written by my Mother only she would have thrown in the accusation that my brother was an alcoholic BECAUSE of his wife. Everything was her fault.

Guess what? My Mother ruined their marriage with her meddling. They might not have made it anyway but I am convinced that they would have had a shot without my Mother in their business and causing problems between her and everyone else with her over the top judgement. That left a broken home with two boys who also had developmental problems (maturity, social skills, etc). My Mother also blamed her for that just like you are.

BUT, where is your Son???? He is a grown adult capable of making his own decisions and doing something about his situation IF he so chooses. If he doesn't like the way his wife keeps house, raises the children, reads excessively, then that is his problem to fix, not yours. His marriage, not yours. He obviously doesn't mind so Butt out. It is not your business and your Daughter was just as much at fault as your DIL. You cannot fight with yourself after all.

These people are all grown adults, let them act like it. If you don't, you might be very sorry when you no longer see your Son or your Grandkids.

You all make valid points. Yes, I believe she has depression issues.

yes, I have talked to my son. I told him that I thought she was really spiraling downward and that perhaps some counselling or some sort of help was in order.
He said to me that was his decision. I said yes it was .
we were going to stay out of the situation, but we were there for him if he needed it.

She has gained about 50 pounds.
She takes an anti anxiety medication which she started about 3 years ago and so she is mixing pretty large volumes of alcohol with a medication that says don't mix with alcohol.
We have tried to be supportive of her , but to be honest
it is not easy. No matter what we do , it is never right in her mind. We have babysat for them at least once a year for up to two weeks at a time so that they can take vacations without the girls. When they moved, we drove over to take care of the girls.
I've gone over myself when my son asked me to come so that she could go to blogging conventions.
. Last summer it was her mother's idea for each girl to have alone time with each grandmother and so I had one of the girls for 5 days and then we met half way and traded girls and then so she wouldn't have to drive to both grandmothers we picked up the other girl and then drove them to the halfway point between here and their house so that our DIL wouldn't have a 12 hour driving day.
Quite frankly, we are at a loss as to what more we can do
to get along with her.
Two days after Christmas she tweeted a really ugly lie about me and then got lots of sympathy from strangers.
MIL's are easy targets.
To my husband that was the last straw and he confronted her.

There is nothing more to the first visit story over scrabble
It came out of the blue. The only way that it could have been resolved without her dumping the board was for me
to agree that Zed was not a valid word to use.
I suppose some of you might think that is what we should have done---agree I would put down a different word.

We had not met her before . We welcomed her and
we felt we were nice to her.
Our conclusion when she left was that she was unstable and we were unhappy when he married her.
however once the decision was made we made the best of it. We put on a nice rehearsal dinner . The wedding was lovely and we told them so.
will I ever feel close to her. No, and I'm sure that comes through to her.
I do not know how to change that. If she was a better wife and mother I think I could grow to feel closer to her.
It's hard to like someone who treats your son so poorly.
And so,then when she shows up and read at a family gathering it really becomes the last straw.

how do I know how she sends the kids to school.
I've seen it. I've been there when they left for school with hair sticking straight up.
There are issues at school with one of the girls.They have suggested a psychological evaluation and it has been scheduled
And with the other girl with muscle tone issues, she is not
keeping up and will probably have to be held back which does not bother me at all.
It seems I have my answer. Most of you think it is perfectly acceptable for her to spend Christmas day on the couch drinking and reading the book she bought for an 11 year old.
thank you for your responses.

Please stop assigning blame and think how you can improve the situation.That's the goal...isn't it? (You can always VENT here! LOL)

Your DS has already told you it is his decision what to do about counseling, etc. Please back off and let him steer his course.

How about a social 'divorce' from your DIL? If divorced parents can manage visitations, maybe you can limit the contact with your DIL to 'hand-overs' when the kids come to visit you, each of you being polite during a few minutes of pick-up/drop-off. Don't engage her. Just let it roll. Eventually your DS may feel empowered on his own to try to make some changes -- IF HE SO WISHES.

i aready said we were backing off, so why are you so harsh in telling me to do so.

tRY TO WRITE IT OFF as a bad experience and be grateful she is not around that often let your son work it out IMHO

We're all sorry for your distress and are trying to help you find a way to deal with something beyond your power to change. Glad to hear you are indeed backing off.

You're certainly welcome to vent here. Goodness knows there are plenty of people around the KT who are unhappy with some aspect of their family relations! (My DH and I have just gotten through an annual ritual dinner with our own 'outlaws' -- lovely people, but with rigid ethnic and religious beliefs very different from ours.)

Chloe - Unfortunately the problem with forums and threads such as yours is that we don't have all the information initially in the original post. From the first post yes, I think most of our responses were valid.

As we (I) get more information from you I know that I am out of my element in this situation and have nothing more to suggest.

The other problem is that this is a highly emotional situation for you and your family and rightly so.

You don't have an answer from this post because there are too many variables, too much going on, too much dysfunction and too many problems for there to be an easy answer to the situation - especially in a single afternoon of posting.

I hope that at some point something will occur that will start your son's family and yours on the road to peace and recovery. I will keep you in my thoughts and please keep us posted as to how your DIL is doing.

Well, it is pretty obvious that you have quite a gunny sack full of negatives related to DIL. I am amazed that a dozen years later you can site the very word ...Zed... that got you all off on the wrong foot. That is really holding onto something, ya know?

Given all that you've sited about her & her personality, why in the world would you even try to interfere with her wanting to read an 11 year old's book? Sounds like you all would be much happier with her isolating herself in your presence. What difference does it make that we agree with you that a small aspect of her behavior was rude.... there is a lot, LOTS of hostility here. Rudeness with her reading is minuscule in the face of all that went on that you've related to us.

Curious....How would you/your dh know what she tweeted??

Burying her head in a book and drinking might be her way of "checking out" of an uncomfortable situation. Maybe she doesn't like being around your family. It would be interesting to see how she is when your family is not there and she is with her family and friends.

It is an uncomfortable situation to be a part of, especially since your kids and grandchildren are involved. Not an easy thing to just write off.
You have expressed your feelings to your son and I think that is all you should do at this point. He is aware of the situation and should be the one who decides how to handle it. He knows you are there for support.

Maybe she needs an adjustment with her meds as well. Definitely a lot going on here.

Chloe, I don't think you are feeling very supported here and I'm sure no one meant for that to happen.

I haven't chimed in, it sounds like a complicated situation and I still don't think I have enough information to be adding to the survey....

If it helps at all, my brothers wife really does have a beautiful soul, and she's spread so thin in so many directions with mothering, working, volunteer work, teaching Sunday school, a lovely but large house...I've seen her send the kids out the door not prepared too. Hair not combed or even cut when it needs it, homework missing, ill fitting clothes - pants too short, pants too long, buttons missing, no good breakfast, truthfully, more than once when they looked like they needed a bath.

You know what, they are 18 and 21 now and they are wonderful, caring, intelligent young adults in college so no permanent harm was done. Kids do survive this stuff, sometimes after some bumps in the road, they even thrive and do beautifully. Hopefully your granddaughters will be fine, better than fine.

You may need to trust your son. Be there if needed and called on, but you'll get no where drawing a line with him or with her, it sounds like they are standing together, as they should be.

Chloe, my heart goes out to you. What a difficult situation.

After hearing more to this story, I am very concerned for the children.
Chloe, I really feel for you too. What a difficult and sad situation.
Please do feel that you can come here to vent. The problem with this type of forum is that you will get many different opinions, some of which you won't like.

I found this to be true when I posted about my disappointment in a life long friend. I was shocked that some posters took her side!
You asked a question about rudeness on your DIL's part, but in realty your situation is much more complicated.

What exactly CAN you do? Keep showing that you care about the granddaughters. Your love and support can only help them.

Have a meeting with your son and DIL and explain that you would like to start over. You are both upset and disappointed with each other. But, what good can come out of all this hostile bickering?

Have some alone time with your son. He is on over his head and probably can't cope.

We all have relatives that we would probably choose not to relate to if they were not relatives! In some cases you can limit contact, but not in this case.

Could you find a family therapist who could help guide you and set up a workable plan?

For what it's worth, I think it goes beyond rude.

Chloe, I'm glad you clarified the situation more.

First off, as someone who has been treated for depression, I can tell you her drink while taking medication is a very big NO-NO. I remember my doctor clearly stating that the reaction between the drug and alcohol was not good from a health standpoint.

She obviously is getting some help (reference the medication) but sounds like she needs a lot more. It's often hard for anyone who has a mental disorder to recognize that fact that more work is in order.

Quite honestly, I give you big points for trying hard and it IMHO, sounds like you trying to do things right and not be the interfering MIL. Until she recognizes she needs more help, she'll continue to make life miserably for those around her.

It took me a number of years (under all different types of medications) until I was able to pull myself up by my bootstraps. Until your DIL recognizes that, she'll continue on her downward spiral.

I'm sending you lots and lots of B I G hugs and good vibes. Although it is stressful for you, keep on doing what you are doing for your son and grandkid's sake.

For the sake of your relationship with your son and your grandchildren, overlook her behavior. She sounds a lot like me. I was always nervous and extremely shy around my in-laws. I also resorted to drinking alone to withdraw from them. Once when they were coming over for a holiday visit, I made myself a pitcher of Bloody Marys and spent the day drinking them. I fell asleep on the couch that afternoon. Keep open your communications with your son and the kids.

AH, memories....the inlaws who live/and grew up near each other, and probably sociaize,
And the outsiders, who live a distance, do not have any mutual friends or interests.....and, when they visit, you have to sit in the same room as they talk about mutual friends, and experiences.

Boring, but you are not in their conversations, and you are expected to sit there and try not to yawn.

So, you make the best of it by keeping quiet, and then get talked about by them because you have nothing to say.

there's two sides to every story.

Sectsteve
I appreciate your input.
no she really isn't getting any help.
She has the very active twins and was finding it very
hard to deal with them so she asked her family doctor for an anti anxiety medication.

The reality is there are people for whom motherhood is more difficult than normal and she is one of those and then to have twins it has just been too much.
All the care of the children is turned over to my son the minute he walks in the door from work.
We volunteered to pay for all day preschool at a lab school connected to the university where they live to help her out. They discussed it and called us and said they would take us up on the offer. We thought that would help her, but what happened is that she turned inward even more. She drinks at home .
she posts on facebook that after meeting her friends at the bar for a few drinks, when her friends leaves, she stays behind for just one more drink by herself.

And last year and this the girls are in school all day.
It should be getting better and it is not. For 3 of their 6 years, these girls have been in all day school.

I took the opportunity at the time Whitney Houston died to discuss it with my son that she shouldn't be drinking and the other night I mentioned it to her.
She says her doc says it is okay.
perhaps he thinks she is drinking an occasional glass of wine when
she goes out to dinner.
Thanks to all of you have been supportive. I did not intend to get into a discussion of all the back issues.
And for all the others I hope your posts brought you great pleasure.
You're right, there is a lot more to this story.
I could get into the failure to thrive issue because mom didn't have enough breast milk and refused to supplement them even when the pediatrician told
her to.
Finally at 6 months when they were so far behind, not sitting up, not doing anything normal 6 month old babies do she agreed to supplement them.
Yup there sure is a lot more to this story..

Chloe, I'm sorry if your feelings were hurt, but you did specifically ask for feedback. You alluded to many other details, which you were not obligated to supply but you chose to do so. I can't imagine anyone found pleasure from their posts and it's a little frustrating to take the time to try to help you with objective opinions only to have it be resented.

It's perfectly okay to vent and ask for support only, but when you ask for advice or opinions you should expect to receive it, whether it's what you want to hear or not.

Best of luck to you and your family.

Chi, look at the response I posted after.
It was not helpful. There were a few others that were just plain mean as well.
Yours was not in that mean category.
There is a way to disagree and show other sides to a situation without being mean.

(((chloe and the entire family))) life is hard sometimes, eh? Here for you!

I'm sure glad that I didn't respond to this 'survey' when it was merely about going off and reading a book!

No one had been mean, chloe. Personally, I am frightened for this woman and her children. She clearly needs a great deal of help. Why hasn't someone stepped up to the plate....a long time ago? Frankly, I'm surprised that the childrens' pediatrician hasn't reported the family.

I wish you all nothing but the best.

Hey Chloe! I sure hope that you see this-I know "EXACTLY" what u r going thru-for that matter,if you were up here closer to me,I'd swear that your DIL was my so-called DIL-this one is not married to my son-yet-and hopefully,never will be.
She too,is very popular when it comes to speaking in public,and has absolutely no qualms about being around ppl-for that matter,when she cracks the cap on her bottle of wine,you can't shut her up!
BUTIf "I" am lucky,she is out doing her work(real estate) and I don't have the "privilege" of having to put up with her carp....take care-stay to yourself,let them come to you-be decent when shes around,love your grands and your son-ignore her(altho that sounds harsh) you have to keep your own sanity..good luck

The old saying is that there are two sides to every story when in reality there are three......