Distant grandparents/parents

18 years ago

Hi there! I would love some outside insight to this situation in my family as I feel like I have no one to talk to about it.

I was always pretty close to my parents and had a good relationship with them. We still have a relationship but it has changed and not in a good way really. During my teen years they were really unhappy and wanted to move to another state (we had already moved too much by then) but luckily they stayed put for me to finish high school. They are still living in the same town and sill complaining about it after 13 years. My husband and I and our son live 2 hours away in a larger city.

Things took a drastic change two years ago when I had my son. My folks were involved during my pregnancy and things were good. Our son was born and was in NICU for a while and we were distraut...but my parents did not offer much support. I was surprised. We had no other family there to help/support us through that time so we just got through it together. When our son came home they visited but only for part of a day and then would go home. When my mom would come to visit by herself she would stay 4 hours if that and not help me hardly at all. I had some post partum depression which she knew but still not much support. She would say "oh it is hard for everyone..I remember (you do? it was a long time ago when I was a baby mom!). When my son was fussy she would insist on the phone.."give him cereal (he was 2 months old) and formula, have him cry it out". We had to explain to my parents that this was not what we wanted to do with our son. My mom felt "hurt" by this. I did not get it. That all blew over but I fear the effects of that time have never healed.

My parents visit but not too often. My mom is noticebly depressed (my husband sees it) and will nap on our couch when they do visit instead of spending time with her grandson. They do not have a bad life mind you...financially secure live in a nice house, nice town etc. I have told her and my dad I am concerned but they blow it off every time.

They are good people and I miss the way they use to be. They both seem so dissatisfied with life and as their adult, and only, child I feel helpless to change things. My husband's parents were estranged from us for some time (before the birth of our son) but we have reconciled with them fortunately. They are great and have taken great interest in our son which I am so happy about. Even more interesting is that when I was ill this year my MIL send me a care package with vitamins and other things so I could get better. My mom never does those kind of things anymore. She is just "there" most of the time and we seem to not have a close relationship at all. If I try to bring this up she gets defensive and I somehow end up feeling like the bad person. My mom also treats me like I am a little girl still. They way she talks to me calling me "little sweetie" and things like that..but in a squeaky voice. The only time she really takes a lot of interest in talking to me is to talk about when I was little. I feel sad that she misses that time so much and try to be sensitive to that but at the same time she is missing the present! I feel that she does not know me as an adult at all and has just distanced herself from even trying.

Any thoughts? I know this is a lot of info to read I am sorry. I am just out of answers. Should I just move on with my life and let them come around some day? Why does this happen?

Alli

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Comments (4)

User
18 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
That's too bad, what a hard time this must have been. It appears that your mother needs a good exam by a physician and an evaluation for depression. Something is happening and it needs to be diagnosed.

Of course, if she won't do it and your dad can't get her to do it, nothing will change. Good luck.
stargazzer
18 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
I thought the most difficult thing I have had to go through was the 5 years my husband had Alzheimer's, but when I thought about it I decided it wasn't. Relationships are the most difficult thing I have ever faced. After my husband died I met new people and bonded with some women, but after a year, it was the same way. There is to much you have to excuse or put up with to have someone in your life. I just want peace for the rest of my life, so am becoming a contented recluse.
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sirens
18 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
"There is to much you have to excuse or put up with to have someone in your life. I just want peace for the rest of my life, so am becoming a contented recluse."

Stargazer, I agree with you! Couldn't have said it better myself.

To the OP, it sounds like your parents cannot adjust to your being a Mom. They almost sound jealous....quite frankly, I would move on with my life and enjoy my son and husband --- if your in-laws are good to you, you are very lucky.

It isn't in your power to make your parents change - some folks just like being miserable.

Good luck to you
stargazzer
18 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Thanks you sirens. It isn't often someone agrees with me. LOL

Distant grandparents/parents

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