Good morning, y'all -- just sitting down with my chai... First thing, (((mitch))) that *stinks* :( Good onya for standing up for your daughter and not taking no for an answer. She'll remember your tenacity and support for the rest of her life. (DH and I both have memories of how our parents *didn't* stand up for us to authorities ever, on anything, so we're determined not to make that particular mistake in this generation.) So this sounds like a movie, I know -- I think of Pollyanna but without the paralysis... As they told it to me, DH and DD drove down there last night at the end of practice, feeling a bit nervous as they pulled in, only to see the sprinters and the distance kids -- gasp -- playing Capture the Flag together! First, the sprinters had never played a game, only DH's distance kids; this was a double first because the sprinters can barely stand to have to breathe the same air as the distance kids anyway, much less acknowledge them as peers, and here they were laughing and playing together. Completely ODD. When the kids saw DD, many of them broke from the game and *ran* to her, seriously. There was MUCH hugging and "I'm so glad you're back" and "Are you o.k.?" etc...one girl hung back from the group--the perp, of course. And DD noticed that the sprinter girls the perp usually hung around with were not clumped with her, either. The distance girls were all bouncing around happy to see DD, but even one sprinter girl and her mom came over to welcome her back and talk. One family volunteered to join us at the all-comers meets next month if DD's able. So while she's over with the kids and the moms, who are variously inviting her over to play with their kids (although I'm not holding my breath for it actually to happen--DD's just the it girl for the moment) and admiring her hair, which they'd never seen out of a pony tail (hey, it's what they know LOL), DH is over with the head coach. awm03, you'll be interested to read this...The coach starts out with "well, I've talked to three different families and I have three conflicting stories" (meaning the perps, us, and one dad who saw it from across the field whom I mentioned above, and I could have taken the other two apart in court quite easily, but it's not necessary) and DH was gearing up for his "don't even try to call my daughter a liar" speech, but then the coach said "but on Sunday, I saw with my own eyes the girl do it *again* at a meet." DH was stunned to hear this. Evidently the girl felt pressured at the state meet in one of the events and she tried to push another girl out of her lane--again, no one official saw (but thank the fates our head coach did) and he went up to the perp's mom and said that the perp is developing a seriously bad tendency and she's got to stop pushing people out of their lanes. She was spoken to again on Wednesday much more forcefully, the head coach saying "[perp's mom] is super-competitive anyway..." with a significant look. We have to make sure that the policy of having to sit out the next meet that we suggested will be instituted, and it seems now that everyone knows that DD didn't "just fall", that the perp hurt DD and tried to push the girl at the meet, that the club isn't going to ignore it, so DD's psyche is healing quite well. The timing of the coach noticing 'a pattern' is quite odd, actually, because we sent the letter on Wednesday afternoon, so on Sunday from *us* he didn't know that the perp was the person responsible yet. (I'm not inclined to think he's lying about the whole thing, esp. since another of the distance coaches has said he wanted to talk with DH about something that happened at the meet, when he gets back from an ultramarathon next week--now we have an idea what he might be wanting to tell DH). Reading between the lines there must have been even earlier incidents that caused the coach to say the perp was developing a pattern, The girl is seriously troubled (again, more on this below). The coach then also told DH, if we can believe it, that on Sunday when people realized DD wasn't at the meet, and why, they came up to him "constantly" to tell him how much they liked DD, how fun she was, how sweet, how she was so nice to everyone, how her hard work had inspired them to work harder this year and how they wish she could come back and race - like going to your own funeral without having to die :). I wouldn't believe all this except for the reception DD got spontaneously from all (but one of) the girls of the club, the moms, the coach's wife, etc. (the boys were too cool to care, of course). The coach's wife, who was included in the recipients of the letter we sent, actually said something funny by mistake: she said that she really admired DD's attitude (DD was doing what I do in those situations and making lots of jokes), then said "and you'll be back soon, you'll come back with a vengeance, right? Ah, I mean...you'll be working just as hard as before, right?" LOLOL I had also pointed out to DH that one reason the push and the lack of witness to it happened was that there aren't enough distance coaches to have one with each group of kids -- as the only distance coach who shows up reliably (others are parents who do ultramarathons and such, not track distance, and they help out with runs when they can) he has to juggle *all* the kids of all ages and abilities and he has to rely on the older kids to regulate themselves sometimes. Which obviously has its vulnerabilities. So the H.C. agreed to work from several directions to address this next year, seeing as the distance contingent has grown so much bigger since DH took over :). (I sit back and can see from a wider perspective the dynamics of what's going on there, kind of like sports dramaturgy :), and saw the organizational flaw...I also have suggested more interconnection between sprinters and distance kids, e.g. distance kids doing sprint workouts every so often like the great Nick Symmonds, sprinters doing distance workouts to help them with the 400 -- but I have no official track experience so I have to whisper in DH's ear and he gets credit for all these ideas. Love it. But as long as it helps DD and the team, I'll be the eminence grise) So now about the perp. I am seriously worried for her. She came over to DD yesterday after some of the initial excitement had died down and said "I'm sorry *you're hurt*" (COME ON, girl, is it SO hard? evidently so--she is to be congratulated for coming over and trying, but she just couldn't own up to it, even or perhaps because of seeing how bad everything was). DD told her the full extent of her injuries and how she's going to have to train back, finishing with "I'll be back even stronger next year, though" with a sweet smile (which she repeated for me LOL). Perp girl smiled back weakly and kind of slunk away. The idea that she has done it before and did it again in a *meet* is suggesting to me that maybe subconsciously she's so desperate she *wants* to get caught and banned, a la "suicide by cop". It's maybe the only out she sees. But even beyond running, I have deep foreboding about what the teen years hold for this poor girl. I wish I could sit down with her mom and really talk with her about what her kids tell pretty much everyone who will listen, but the mom is a serious (shiny upper middle class blonde) hard case. She doesn't respect me or DH, who has tried to talk about the kids' training and nutrition with her before, to which she just says "I used to run too and I know what I'm doing." Well, o.k. Guess I just have to send out energy to the girl for strength and courage to seek out healthy people to associate with (she actually had hung around DD and always wanted to be on a team with her, ironically enough--DD thought they were friends, which is why the push was doubly saddening for DD). Maybe I might try to find a time to casually talk directly with the girl herself. Not recriminatory, but supportive, letting her know there are other ways to live and she *can* find them and they will accept her if she doesn't push them away...(and now I know why the ex-husband of the mom didn't want his kids doing track. We never understood that before.) I'm going to make sure that DD makes sure that the other kids don't demonize the girl for what she did, that they leave the girl an open door to come back in if she ever decides she wants to behave better. So DD just has to let her ligament heal, do the PT, and get back in the game. I am *so* thankful for how the club handled this, and I just hope that the good feelings continue and grow, even if it took DD's injury, from which she'll recover, to hold a mirror up to people. (A side note: I love this thing I see happening all the time--when something happens to you that people can see, suddenly people you have known a bit, say cashiers or postmen or whatever, suddenly share their own stories of similar things happening to them and how they overcame them, got better, came out stronger on the other end, etc. We even learned that an older-looking shelf stocker at the local pharmacy, just a person we asked where the knee braces are, was almost an Olympic gymnast (I could tell she wasn't lying by the way she talked) back in '72, but she tore her ACL by showing the mens' team a floor ex move she'd made up that, it turned out, Olga Korbut did in the Olympics later that year! (not that O.K. somehow stole it, it was just 'in the air' and the same idea occurred on two different continents simultaneously.) She has had extensive surgery but can still *downhill ski*! She was a *wealth* of information and humor -- DD and I walked away shaking our heads--you just never know, when you start up a conversation with someone, do you? :)

Hi Southernsummer, Thanks very much for your practical advice. I tend to agree with the idea of waiting it out until they approach you. Yes, and trying to draw them in (to get close to me), might instigate feelings of disloyalty. So I will wait it out - it is the most prudent. We will not start to combine families -- my GF and I discussed the imprudence in that -- the writing is on the wall: my daughter is very close to me and demands a lot of attention, and she sees my GF as competing for that attention, hence, we would not combine families now. I am trying to avoid them spending time together -- though sometimes it is hard. What usually happens is the 3 of them (SS, my son and daughter) play nice together, often to the exclusion of the SD who is the bitterest. I don't find the atmosphere healthy, hence I avoid it as much as possible. My GF suggested we go on Disney vacation over the summer -- it is appealing, so long as we all stay in separate hotel rooms -- but I still wonder if it is ok ( my kids do not seem ok with it, mainly because they think her kids are either cold or mean to them). But starting next academic year, we might move closer to the same school district so we can be closer and support each other. But yes, time and patience is the key. Thanks again !! Pintonala

Thank you to bnicebekind, outinthecld, and amberjul for your response and insights. I want to say that first of all, I am protective of my son. I also worry sometimes that my son takes advantage of things and can be a bit manipulative. The day that I wrote my original post, my husband had gotten into one of his moods and there were a bad scene. This past weekend, however, while my husband was gone, I asked my son to do something (move some wood behind the garage) and he refused to do so. I should tell you that my son was in the store with me shopping one evening and he went to look at the baseball cards while I was in the grocery dept. When I went to look for him, I was paged. Going to find him, thinking he paged me, I found that he had been stopped for shoplifting--which was pretty confusing since neither of us had left the store and he had over $30 in his pocket that I had given him earlier. Anyway, the store made me pay $200.00 to them as they can charge the parent 10x what the kid is allegedly stealing. My husband and I agreed that he had to work it off. Actually, I was quite humiliated and upset and couldn't even speak. My husband actually surprised me and was the calm one and talked to my son. Since that time, even though it was agreed that my son had to work off the $200 with chores, he refuses to do them (usually when it is just me around) and this weekend when my husband was not home, my son got very angry with me, called me names, threw my kitchen chairs around, hit things, slammed the doors, etc. My son is getting to be a good size guy and truthfully, I am not sure I could live with him alone any more. AS for protecting my son, I do. When my husband went after my son once like he was going to hit him, I stopped him and I told him that he or anyone would ever put a hand to my son. I stood my ground and looked him in his face and he knows that I am dead serious about that. Yes, I do feel that some sort of counseling is needed so we can set some guidelines as to what our rights and responsibilities are. Such as, I would never spank one of stepgrandchildren and I don't expect my husband to spank mine...he sees it differently. I have again talked with my husband and I have taken the advice of a counselor in that if my husband loves me, I should be able to get him to see my reasoning. I think he does love me because I did stand up to him and say to him that I do not want to "castrate" him in our home and make him feel like he is not the man of the house, however; I cannot raise my son in fear. I told him that I do not like his temper; I cannot deal with people with bad tempers and if he did not learn to control his temper and learn to think a bit differently, that I would have to let this relationship go. I told him that I did love being married to him and I love the large family that we have together and I love the grandkids, but if that was the way that he raised his kids (I suspect it was and I suspect that was how he was raised, also), that he needed to think differently. I also came up with some compromises for my son and our rules, which he agreed to and I did let him know firmly that we needed to work on this and that I did think counseling was needed. His daughter told me that he had tried counseling before and it failed. I have been to counseling quite a long time for the depression, etc. of my first divorce, the relationship, tragedies, etc., so I do have insight into what needs to be done. I was a very self-sufficient, independent woman, yet now at my husband's request have lowered my income and work at home. This is all right as now I am here for my son when he gets home and I am here when he goes to school, too. I wonder if my husband doesn't have a hormone or chemical or sugar imbalance that brings on his moods as he gets very upset with himself when he gets upset. I am working on the rules and have talked with my son and asked him to work with me. My son knows I love him and I will try to look after his best interests. So, I do appreciate your comments and I wanted to let you know that I will not stick my head in the sand, I am workikng to resolve the issues, I am looking into counseling, and yes, I do protect my son. But, I simply needed to know if I was being one-sided towards my son as a mom and a stepchild myself, was I being unfair to my husband? The thing is, when you talk to someone, it can get you thinking...sometimes my son is in the wrong and sometimes my husband does overreact to things and goes way out of proportion. These are the issues that need to be worked on...now, just to find the right counselor to help with that. Thanks again

isabelle, If I were in your situation, I would tell my husband to handle it completely. If his schedule doesn't allow him to take care of the child, then he should tell his daughter that. Has she asked YOU? or did she ask her dad? She is not going to appreciate anything you do, if she doesn't appreciate the baby shower you gave her. I have a niece that is the same way... she's due in September and has not come to any family gatherings or had any contact whatsoever with our side of the family since she got pregnant. I haven't seen her since last Thanksgiving. Then she expected everyone to come to her baby shower that she and her friend planned for the same day as my Uncle's wedding. (and it was one of these 'modern' parties where she invited couples and children. She was serving beer as well. Not my idea of a 'baby shower'. 200 people is not a baby shower, it's a wedding. GEEZ!!!) and she will blame you if he says no. Oh well, you can't do anything about that. You have nothing to feel guilty about. As for her going on trips and leaving her baby... I would never have done that but everyone is entitled to make those choices for themselves. I wouldn't judge. But, that doesn't mean you have to babysit either. She wants to go, she needs to find someone to babysit and that's HER problem, not yours. If she's immature enough to keep the baby from you and your husband because he says no, he needs to tell her that she's only harming her child when she denies her child to opportunity to have a relationship with grandparents. and when she throws it in his face that HE chose to not babysit, then he needs to let her know how much he loves his grandkids and when his schedule allows it, he would love to babysit. He might need to explain to her that SHE is the parent and being with her children is her responsibility. If one of my kids were going to do something like that, I wouldn't hesitate to tell them I think they are wrong. Now, I raised them alone so I have a relationship that a NCP would not. I think that often, kids expect their NCP to do more (as adult children) because they want that parent to 'make up' for slights they felt as children and/or the NCP feels guilty. At some point, kids have to grow up and take responsibility for their own life. By the time you have two kids, to me that's well beyond the time.