Grandparents' boundaries

15 years ago

I have tried. I really have.

Im somewhere in the Shenandoah Valley. I canÂt fall asleep because my heart is troubled as my wife and I are starting to have marital problems because of my mother in law (MIL). I am about to explode and really want to ask my MIL not to come into my house for a while; forget about seeing/spending time my sons Âher grandchildren. I understand there will be consequences (i.e. a lot of drama and possibly damage to my professional relationship with my father in law as we work together)

I understand this might be the wrong place to post this rant as most of you, readers, are "grandparents", but IÂd actually like to hear/read your opinions.

My mother in law is driving me nuts. She is constantly out of place and assumes she has the right to raise my children "her way" as if they were her children. She doesnÂt respect the boundaries. She doesnÂt understand that parents and grandparents have very different roles -- and the role of the grandparents IS NOT to step on the parentsÂ toes! SheÂs a meddler and says meddling is her "spiritual gift." Where in the Bible does it say that anyways? As far as I know, the Bible doesnÂt even mention the word "grandparent," let alone legalize all the meddling.

Here are a few examples:

My MIL wanted to pick the kidsÂ names. Excuse me? This is only the parentsÂ privilege. Even before my first son was born, she had strong opinions; my wife and I kept the name in secret and announced it after the baby was born. Of course she was not happy with the name, but still she WANTED TO SEND THE OFFICIAL ANNOUNCEMENT Âwhich is also the parentsÂ privilege. Days after the baby was born she started to buy, buy, buy and buy stuff for the newborn; I know she has a lot of $$, but I want to raise my children in a different way, that they learn to appreciate the little their parents can give them.

She also made my son suck his thumb and as a result he has not used a pacifier and will very likely need dental work in the future; my MILÂs lame excuse was, "I WILL PAY FOR THE ORTHODONTICS." What a shame.

Now she insists my son will be an engineer like his uncle (wifeÂs brother); what the hell? My son is my son, not my brother in lawÂs son! Besides, why is my MIL giving opinions? My kidÂs career will be his own choice when he knows what heÂd like to be in the future, but if anyone should recommend /influence his career --that would be his father (ME). My MIL is constantly out of place.

When my second son was born, she again, wanted to name him and send the announcement, and even though my wife tried to stop her, she did it anyways. I think my MIL refuses to "grow;" she is 61 but she still wants to be "cool grandma." She should spend time with women her age, not with women my wifeÂs age! But whatever she does (I donÂt care), she shouldnÂt come to my house when she knows IÂm not here, and she shouldnÂt meddle in other peopleÂs lives!

My MIL is somewhat known as the gossiper of her church and town. Many people know she talks about everyone and tells about the lives of everybody to everyone else. I hate when I run into people that I donÂt know but they know me because my MIL told them more than enough about my family. It is irritating. I constantly feel like my privacy is violated, actually I think I donÂt have privacy anymore, not even at home. She calls and comes to my house whenever she wants to... unannounced! (although recently my wife asked her to come only a couple of times/week, but she MIL won't listen and still comes more than she should!)

Unfortunately, her husband wonÂt control his wife. He is a good guy and he and I get along okay, but IÂm afraid my patience is running low and we will have some problems, this of course, because of the meddlerÂs behaviour.

As for my wife, she is very insecure and pretty vulnerable to what her mom says/does. My wife doesn't have many friends (*sigh*) and I think it's because her mom never let her.

I donÂt know what to do. I donÂt want my MIL around my children. I simply donÂt want her around my children anymore.

I have tried. I really have.

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Comments (4)

chisue
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Does your wife want to be a wife first, or a daughter first? Does she want to be mother to her children or allow her mother to usurp her role? This is not healthy for her or for your children...or for your MIL. But...you know that.

Does your wife agree that her mother is overbearing? What is preventing her from stopping it? Does your wife need to see a counselor who could help her behave like a grown woman, wife and mother? (As I see it, it is your wife who needs to 'grow'.)

Your MIL can't MAKE either you or your wife dance to her tune if neither of you will do it. I think your first aim is to help your wife be strong enough to enforce her own rules.

This isn't going to be easy. There will be resistance. Going along with this for many years to come is going to be much, much harder.

It sounds draconian, and I wouldn't suggest you announce it unless you both are ready to follow through, but you could MOVE to another part of the country. I have known couples who had to do this for their immediate family's sanity -- or should I say due to their extended family's INsanity?
pfllh
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Sad that you have to go through this. I agree that if possible, move. Does your occupation make it possible for a transfer? Can you get letters of recommendation from your company and supervisor?
With the economy, it would be rough to sell a home, start a new job, and have a whole new life.
I wondered if you and your wife can sit down with your FIL and just tell him it has to stop. I doubt it will work as it appears she has been this way for years and he just ignores her. It would effect him though in not seeing the grand children due to her.
Another thought is the pastor. I'm sure this would be no surprise to him. Perhaps if he would talk to her about "family", those who make up that group and their responsibilities. She's crossed the line too many times with her bossy selfish ways. She's pushing her family away and is going to lose them
I'd change the locks, put up a fence with a lock and a large dog. I'd have my telephone number changed to a non published where no one can get it. I'd make it clear to my employer and whoever I gave it to, it was not to be given out to anyone. I'd even tell my employer my FIL was not to have it as MIL is the problem. If a cell phone, I'd change that too.
If I saw her and she started pitching a fit, I'd tell her she's overbearing, sticking her nose in your family's business trying to control everyone and everything. NO MORE and walk away.
If after time she has given it some serious thought and making an effort, I might allow a visit but nothing else.
The only other alternative is tie her hands so she can't call, and duct tape her mouth to keep her quiet. Of course you'd get arrested so not really an option.
Good Luck. I just couldn't live that way.
Lynn
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Oh my, you poor dear! I can totally relate. My daughter is 21 years old and when she was born I got no help from either set of grandparents. That's okay though...I wasn't expecting or asking for help. The annoying thing has been constant, nagging requests for us to travel and to be more involved with our parents and helping our siblings...mostly on my side of the family. (Even though I am the youngest, they have always thought that my job is to rescue them all!) My mother is very manipulative and I had to put good boundaries in place many years ago in order to protect myself and my daughter. And that is what I would advise you to do. Decide on how often you and your husband and child can travel (once every 5 years overseas would be more than generous enough...perhaps once every two years for a trip to Chicago). Continue to be a loving, respectful daughter/daughter-in-law and send occasional photos of your little one to the Grandmas, but if you don't get a response, make that less frequent. (You can protect yourself from being hurt by recognizing that you are doing too much for folks that don't appreciate it...stop doing so much.) How silly for your mother to try to make you feel guilty because she bought a crib for a child that doesn't live with her...it may have been a sweet gesture or wishful thinking on her part, but her threats to send it back are silly and manipulative...if I were you I might tell her that if it were possible to visit more frequently, you'd be coming to visit HER, not a crib! She should send it back, by all means. Decide what you would enjoy in your relationships with your daughter's grandparents and what you feel your obligations are and stick to that like glue! Don't be bullied, don't be manipulated...remember that you are setting an example for your child...you can't lose by being calm and kind but also strong and decisive and able to make the choices that are best for you. Families can be complicated. You can make yours less complicated by simplifying your approach to them. Stop worrying about pleasing them and learn to please yourself. You'll be setting a great example for your daughter.
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i am so sad after reading your post. i think you are right to be concerned about your grandson. and i hope i don't step on any toes in expressing my thoughts about your situation. first, it is very difficult to share your home with adult children returning to the nest, even for good reasons like their being unemployed. hard for you&your husband, hard for them, too. i understand your "biting your tongues at all costs" attitude, but here's my take on it: #1, it's YOUR house, and you need to have your house rules firmly delineated and followed, whatever they might be. #2, i know you don't want to overstep your bounds as a grandparent, but you are definitely NOT out of line to step in when you feel your grandson is being neglected. a one-year old, especially if he is normally active, takes a lot of watching (perhaps you need to buy some of those child-proof door knob things). and he needs lots interaction with people in order to develop properly. at this age, their attention span is short, so "time-outs" really do no good and become cruel and abusive, in my opinion. he has no real conception of what the time-out if for. simple re-direction will usually cure the problem and not let him sit there alone. #3, i fear your daughter and her husband are just not ready to deal with a young child. the methods they are using as stated in your second-to-last paragraph to "punish" their son are not good ones. he is just a baby. babies are aggravating, certainly, but your daughter & husband are so lucky that you and your husband are right there to lend a helping hand. #4, so with that last staement of mine, i think you ought to definitely get more involved with the baby. let your daughter know that you don't intend to be a busy-body, that she is the mother, but you certainly have a normal vested interest in that child's well-being, and therefore you are more than happy to give her a break and deal with the baby when she is busy/tired/needs time for herself. #5, it seems that your daughter & her husband are not interacting much except in negative ways with their child. this is so bad on so many levels. first, a baby needs to be cuddled (YOU know this, of course!!). and played with -- they learn through playing. building blocks, thick crayons, simple vehicles, soft toys, musical toys are all important! and reading to him is the best thing of all -- being held while looking books is so beneficial and wonderful. it rather sounds to me as tho your daughter might be somewhat clinically depressed by her situation (unemployment, an active baby, not much support from husband all join to make her life at the moment difficult for her). maybe she is not getting enough rest/sleep herself. maybe she is worried. this is an area where you might need to sit her down "for her own good" and discuss things. she may need help. sorry if this seems harsh or judgemental -- it is NOT meant to be. i'm on your side! #6, i advise you to keep fully involved, even more than you have been, and don't let your daughter continue to ride rough-shod over you when you feel you need to step in for your grandson's sake. HE is the most important person here. your involvement may be the best thing for him at this time. i hope things become better for all of you as soon as possible! hang in there!!!!!
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colleenoz
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
I'm also in the "move" camp. I think if you move not only will your MIL not be able to stick her oar in at will, but your wife may actually become her own woman, make some friends and be able to stand up to her mother. Of course, you both have to be on the same page about a move, because if your wife is resistant to the idea you will all end up unhappy.
I wish you luck.
organic_brice
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Go to counseling with your wife. She doesn't even hardly rate a mention in your letter. She and you need to get on the same page ASAP. Tell your wife you love her and planned a life where you would grow together.

You cannot control what she does but you can be very clear that you have boundaries that your MIL is violating extremely. You wife is giving her approval by not taking a stand with you. Your MIL is violating your marriage with your wifes approval? Get your wife some help. Then if that doesn't work, time to take a family vacation and not leave your MIL your forwarding address.

Getting anyone out of your marriage besides your wife and your self is top priority. If it were another man running in and dictating it would be a clearer answer for your wife about what needs to happen. She needs to stop the nonsense with her mom.

Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend is a widely recommended self help book that can really help your wife get a clue.

I gave the book to my mom and it helped her finally get what I'd been trying to say about feeling violated, suffocated and invisible in the face of her kind of boundaryless 'love'. Five years later we have a great, healthy relationship. God straightened our relationship out. I didn't think I'd be able to be around her again. But she did change for the better.

Give a copy to your MIL too if you think it will help but her taking great pride in violating your marriage makes me sick frankly. I'd avoid her too.

Your wife is the one to care about in your situation. Have you been as clear with her as you are in your letter here?

Grandparents' boundaries

Comments (4)

chisue

pfllh

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