I'm really interested in hearing what people have to say about this one too! Maybe just a Facebook message would be enough!

I wouldn't have the nerve to solicit like some people do today. Greed is a major player. I think a card is more than adequte in most situations.

Personally, this is something I would probably just ignore. DH has not spoken to cousin in two decades? It's the cousin's stepson? I know I'd just shrug and toss the invite in the trash. I don't even do Christmas cards anymore so I know I'd never ever get around to sending a congrats card to a distant almost-relative I've never laid eyes on. I know that's wrong and I should send a card or at least tell them I'm not coming, but I just know I'm way too busy/lazy to do that, LOL!

While this case does certainly smack of sheer avarice, I'm not entirely convinced that all people who send all of these invitations out are completely present-grubby. I wonder if sometimes people worry that if you find out you were left off the list that you'd be offended somehow. I remember back to when I was planning my wedding and deciding on invitations. It was particularly difficult determining where to draw the line when it came to distant relatives. Mother and I tended to send the invite knowing that they could not or would not come simply to make sure we did not offend them!

At the time I had an X-step-grandmother living 200 miles away in another state. I always remembered her fondly. Well, after some debate we sent the invitation anyway. I got the sweetest letter back, explaining that she could not be there and wished us the best. (I still have the note) Did she send $ or a gift? NO! She declined the invitation so she was officially off the hook.

There is nothing wrong with declining an invitation to a wedding or shower or other event. You simply send your regrets in a simple note. No present is then required. People just forget that.

We have not talked personally to his cousin in nearly 20 years

we had to look up the cousins info on FB to figure out this was her son

That says it all right there. If you don't even know who this person is without doing some research...

I have definitely gotten some invitations to things for people I hardly know or don't know. I think the last one was the wedding of a son of some cousin of DH's whom I'd never met. He'd seen the cousin maybe 20 years ago and couldn't remember whether he'd met the son -- maybe when he was a child. I'd met the mother (DH's aunt) a couple of times. Very nice lady but really, do we need to be invited to her grandson's wedding, in a completely different part of the country?

I just sent the RSVP card back with regrets and called it a day. No card, no gift. What for?? I mean, really, who am I trying to impress? A bunch of people I've either never met (and probably never will) or met casually a few times? Fahgedaboudit!

OK. Not that a gift is supposed to impress anyone. Just that I think often times people send a gift simply because they are afraid of what the people who sent the invitation will think of them if they don't. IMO, when you're scratching your head trying to figure out who the guest of honor is and why you were even sent an invitation, WHO CARES what they think if you ignore it?

There is nothing wrong with declining an invitation to a wedding or shower or other event. You simply send your regrets in a simple note. No present is then required. People just forget that.

Yup.

I have no problem with gifting family or close friends. Here is our situation this year, and what we did.

We received four graduation announcements. One is my hubby's cousin (2nd cousin). Two others were the daughters of close friends, and we have known the girls since they were young.
We sent a card with a cash gift to all three girls. The fourth invitation was from a young man who we have seen/met maybe twice - a few years back. His mother USED to work with my husband and although they were on good terms, they were not close friends. If we saw the boy today, we wouldn't know him. We felt this invitation was obviously sent by the parent and sent mainly looking for a gift from us. That young man received a nice congratulatory card. We felt no obligation to send a gift to someone we don't know, nor have a close relationship with the parent(s).

tina

Nieces/nephew and cousins? I would want my immediate aunts, uncles, cousins around. Like my Mom and Dad's brother's, sister's and their kids.

" I wonder if sometimes people worry that if you find out you were left off the list that you'd be offended somehow."
True. But I would think (hope) that would mainly apply to the people close. ? I'm not close with 2nd cousins and so on. Couldn't tell you all their names or even point some of them out so I won't sent them anything like this.

If I were you, it would've went in the trash. At most I'd send a card.

I'll admit in the past I've felt need to attend and spend money (small amounts) on people I'm not close to for showers and parties. I think I'm about done with it though.

I also used to feel somewhat obligated to send a small amount, too, but no more.

I struggled mightily when DD got married, we sent invites to my aunts & uncles on my Dad's side. I'm close to them, but we knew they likely wouldn't come. But JUST IN CASE they could...they all sent lovely gifts, however. We also invited some of DH & my close friends who didn't really know the kids, but I expressly told them personally to NOT bring a gift. One gave couple gave a small gift, but the others just a nice card.
I think DH's angst stems from having been estranged from his extended family for all these years, but recently reconnecting with them when his father died. Since then he's been in email contact and friended by many on FB. This is why we're pretty sure this card came now. Oh, and I think it would have been MUCH easier to toss in the trash had it not included a large senior photo of this young man.

This is really one of those questions that I find impossible to apply a blanket response to, simply because each relationship is different and complicated to a certain extent. I would imagine it's the same with most people. However, for the most part, Natal's comments echo my own thoughts:

I wouldn't have the nerve to solicit like some people do today. Greed is a major player. I think a card is more than adequte in most situations.

Last year I received a baby shower invitation and could not for the life of me figure out who the heck the pregnant woman was. It finally, after much thought, dawned on me that she was my estranged cousin's daughter - someone I have not seen or spoken to since she was a little girl, and someone I would not know if she were to pass in front of me on the street. I felt neither obligated to attend the shower nor to send anything - not even a card. To me, it was like receiving an invitation from a complete stranger. And yes, I was fine with my decision. On the other hand, there are people in my family that, while I haven't seen them in quite some time, I would still want to honor in some small way when they graduate, marry, or have a child. I guess the bottom line is that I do what I want to do, and I decline the rest. I refuse to give anything because I feel somehow obligated to do so, however. It's either a gift made willingly and joyfully, or there's no gift at all.

I also used to feel obligated to send a gift, but not anymore. A few years ago we received a graduation announcement from my BIL's wife's daughter from a previous marriage. We had met this girl once at their wedding in Tennessee about 5 years earlier. I sent a gift card for a nice amount which was never acknowledged. Today, I would send a card or nothing at all and feel fine about it. This greediness is crazy.

Just send along a nice cards wishing the grad all the best.

And step back. Breathe.

That should settle your DH's concern's about family. After all -- you sent along good wishes.

Anything more -- is just soliciting for cash and gifts.

Jan

When my kids graduated from high school I did not order announcements. I felt that everyone that was important to them would hear it from us personally. I didn't want people to think that they were soliciting for gifts. My son was a little peeved, because his friends were getting a bunch of gifts. When my daughter graduated from college I let her decide who she wanted to send announcements to.

"I'm of the opinion that we just send a congratulatory card, but DH is upset because he feels obligated to send some money. He's more ticked off about this than I am...we had to look up the cousins info on FB to figure out this was her son.

So this begs the question, at what point is it ok to say ENOUGH when the graduation/shower/wedding season starts?"

I'd say the point at which you have to look a relative up on a social network site to know who s/he is.

Seriously, I don't understand why your husband would feel any obligation to send anything to someone that distant. Really, why? If there is no social relationship, no interaction, and certainly no emotional warmth then what negative consequence does your husband foresee?

As for graduations, my younger child is graduating from HS at the end of May. It's a milestone for us because we are now offically done with having kids in K-12. We have a somewhat unusual wrinkle too: because of an employment benefit my kids' college tuition is covered. Since they went to private school from Pre-K through 12 this means our tuition payments are now OVER!!!

Much rejoicing as you may imagine. And you betcha we're celebrating. What we are not doing is sending graduation announcements. My daughter told me months ago she thinks they are tacky ways to ask for money or a gift and I agree. The people who are important in her life all know she will soon be a high school graduate. I've mentioned it to friends and colleagues. That's as much as we feel is appropriate or necessary in terms of an announcement.

Since we've got a fairly large extended family I found a nice restaurant that serves one of her favorite dishes. I'm inviting the whole family, plus a friend each for daughter and her brother, for dinner after the ceremony. As our guests of course; we will not be sending anyone a request to pay for the meal, a solicitation for a gift, a jocular mention of a money tree or wishing well or any of that nonsense.

I just put down the deposit on the meal: salad and empanadas as appetizers, choice of 3 entrees (fish/meat/chicken) and non alcoholic drinks are included. I'll be talking to the catering mgr about wine/beer options for those who might want that (NOT the grad girl :). They said I can bring my own cake.

We'll be about 20 for dinner and both my daughter and I can't wait. It will be such a joy to have everyone there to enjoy a good meal and each other's company. We are making a family memory and celebrating a family milestone.

And that's our graduation gift to her and ourselves. If we couldn't afford a restaurant I'd invite everyone to our house. The gift of having people she loves share her-and our-joy is the point, not, in the immortal words of Bernadette Peters, 'the stuff'.

Ann

Pesky wrote:
"I think DH's angst stems from having been estranged from his extended family for all these years, but recently reconnecting with them when his father died. Since then he's been in email contact and friended by many on FB. This is why we're pretty sure this card came now. Oh, and I think it would have been MUCH easier to toss in the trash had it not included a large senior photo of this young man."

Well, that new information does change things in my mind. It sounds like the cousin and your DH are in the process of mending some fences. If that's the case, then I think I might just pick out a nice card and include a $20 gift card to Target or Walmart.

I'm still not sure this has anything to do with greed or not. A large senior picture is by no means a cheap throw-away item. For them to include it seems like a very nice gesture. If they are genuinely trying to reconnect with your DH, why not give the benefit of the doubt?

at what point is it ok to say ENOUGH when the graduation/shower/wedding season starts?

You're never obliged to accept an invitation. The only real obligation is to call or write a note to decline if you won't be attending. Only you can decide whether the consequences are sufficiently negative to make you attend an event or give a gift when you really don't want to. Ideally, gifts should come from the heart. At least you should genuinely want to please someone in the mix.

In the situation described, I'd send a card. If my husband wanted to send a gift, that would be up to him. We both work and manage our money individually. The chances of him wanting to buy a gift that's expensive enough to merit discussion are nil.

If I were angry about invitation-announcement-or-whatever-it-is, I'd write a lovely, long-winded, cheerful and ever-so-ditsy letter accepting their invitation to come stay with them so that we could all watch Johnny graduate and spend some quality together. I'd be sure to mention that we're bringing Tiny, our Great Dane, because she's a biter and we can't get a sitter for her anymore. I'd want to be sure that their yard has 6-foot fence, because Tiny practically steps over anything shorter, don't ya know. Having recently switched to a macrobiotic diet, I'm feeling ever so much healthier. I'm really looking forward to helping y'all fix good healthy food for Johnny's graduation party instead of the usual array of junk food that's usually offered at parties! Oh, and about the bed linens -- what size bed(s) will we have? I'll be bringing our sheets and such because I have sensitive skin and have to be really careful about fiber content, dyes and detergents. I could probably keep my little joke going long enough to make them regret sending an announcement someone they really didn't know!

LOL, yogacat! LOVE IT.

"I'd write a lovely, long-winded, cheerful and ever-so-ditsy letter accepting their invitation to come stay with them so that we could all watch Johnny graduate and spend some quality together."

I know I've shared the link below already, but yoga's idea reminds me...enjoy!

Here is a link that might be useful: Why Yes, We'd LOVE To Join You...

Bwah ha ha! I have never read that before, runninginplace --that was hilarious! I love messing with people's heads ...can't wait to try something like this :)

runninginplace, thank you SO much. It has been a long week and I just sat here laughing til I cried at that email exchange.

Anyway, I am on the other side of this at the moment, since DS is graduating in a few weeks, and I can say that I purposely did not send graduation party invitations to relatives who live more than two hours away because I KNOW they will not come, and I KNOW it looks like a request for gifts. The last one of these invitations we received came from DH's cousin's daughter, who I had never met and DH had not seen since she was an infant -- they live on the other side of the country from us -- of course they knew we weren't going to show up for her high school graduation! It was so obviously a "gift alert." (Which we decided to ignore.)

The other thing that bugs me is inviting people that the "person of honor" doesn't even know. I told DS that we would invite only our adult friends who actually have a relationship with him. I have friends who have never met him -- did not invite them. I also have friends who have met him but haven't seen him in years -- did not invite them, either. We have limited space so I couldn't invite everyone, but I also felt like the people who are here need to have some significance for my son, not just for me.

A card would do for me. I know it is hard.

My FILs ex wife's dd, who is part of dh's family's holiday gift exchange but still has not sent my dh his gift from last year, well her dd had a baby. Girl got pregnant on honeymoon and have to live with the grooms family to save money for this unplanned baby. I like my dh's step sis, she is really sweet. So I decided to send a small gift to her grandbaby due to circumstances. Nothing fancy, some onesies and hangers to help but not make her feel too obligated. I was surprised that no thank you card has been sent. At least the step sis should have passed along a thanks through the grapevine.

I am one to not like folks to think I am asking for something when sending a simple announcement. To be safe, I would only send them to those who I knew would want to send a gift. Maybe the others I would update the event in a holiday, so as to not cause them to think they had to send a gift.

running, that link is hilarious thanks for posting it.