Joint finances

15 years ago

My wife and I have been together just 2 years. Her income is between 4 or 5 times the amount of mine. My income is from a pension and disability, due to 3 back surgeries. Although we talked about household finances prior to marriage we never completed a formula. Her first idea was that both of us contribute the same amount to a joint household account. The amount was more than I bring home. I explained when we first started dating that I was poor. She didn't care. Now she cares. Besides her income, we are foster parents and she receives income for our 2 girls. At present I am contributing about 45% of my income towards the household. After I pay my personal bills, I am flat broke at the end of every mouth. I suggested a percentage formula, where we both pay the same percentage but's not acceptable to her. She would be contributing 4 or 5 time more money than me, but the same percentage. I can't continue with the current formula. Any ideas? I don't want to lose my wife because I'm poor. I do all the housework, light yard work, laundry and take care of her pets. HELP

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Comments (9)

C Marlin
15 years ago
Why not just pool all the money and expenses. It has worked in my house for years, we don't have separate money or expenses.

Do you care for the children, if so, why is it her money?

Her pets? I think for your marriage to prosper you both need to think of yourself as one unit, not her stuff or my stuff, it should be both of yours.
LuAnn_in_PA
15 years ago
Sounds like there are more problems than just finances in this marriage....
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I think you need to separate legal issues from how a couple manages their day-to-day joint finances. I believe the original question pertained to the latter issue. I think it makes perfect sense for a couple to manage their finances in a way that works for them, even if the method they use would be irrelevant in the event of a divorce or bankruptcy. Many of my friends who married early in life put all of their money in joint accounts. This generally leads to certain rules they establish about spending allowances, how much can be spent without getting the other's approval, etc. Other situations (large asset imbalances between spouses, needing to protect children from previous marriages, etc.) may require various legal arrangements, and it's usually necessary for the management of finances to follow these arrangements. Finally, in many situations it makes sense for a couple to manage their finances in a way that works for them, even if it would have no bearing in a legal proceeding. My wife and I have joint accounts and credit cards, but we also have our own separate accounts. Even though my wife is very frugal, it would drive me crazy seeing every pair of shoes she buys on our credit card statements. And it would drive her crazy knowing I was looking at her purchases. It's much easier contributing a percentage of our incomes to a joint account to pay for our joint living expenses and managing our personal expenses from our own accounts. Going back to the original question, I don't think the assets that either spouse has is particularly relevant, unless they are using those assets to meet their living expenses. If they are living off of their income, then I think expenses should be split based on their respective incomes.
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This is absolutely a topic where each couple has to forge the method that works best for them. There is no one right answer, no wrong one--as LONG as the couple makes their method work. I personally feel extremely strongly that couples need to keep their money separate. DH and I have been married 37 years, have always had our own accounts, our separate investments, etc--and not once EVER have we fought over money (plenty of other things, but never money). After all, being married doesn't make you one person--you don't automatically merge and start using each other's clothes, shoes, jewelry, do you? Of course not. Most couples I know have separate cars--they may occasionally use each other's car, but for the most part, each drives one more than the other. There's absolutely nothing wrong with keeping finances separate. DH and I--while both frugal and very fiscally responsible--have differing investment preferences. I can't imagine having to balance a checkbook every month that's being used willy-nilly by 2 people--it's much simpler to each have your own. Aside from the convenience factor, every person, IMO--should absolutely have enough money put away, IN THEIR OWN name so they can get along for at least 6 months or so. Any number of different disasters can affect one's ability to access community funds. Death, a split, a partner who suddenly decides to empty the joint account, legal action, etc etc etc. I've known too many older women who let their husband's manage/control the family finances who, at the worst time of their lives had to deal with not only losing their husband and planning a funeral, but having also to try to find and understand all the various investments, insurances, savings, etc. When you manage your own money, all your life, you don't have that panic to go through. As to the person who couldn't understand nor agree with individuals wanting money that they could spend without accounting for it? Well, even in the best relationships, one may want to buy the other a special gift--without having to ask for, or justify using the money. To me, as I said above--money is exactly like shoes. It does NOT adversely affect a relationship if each person keeps their shoes and money separate from the other. In our case, I have been so effective at managing my money, that even though I havne't worked full time in over 28 years, I had enough money saved, to be able to buy--on my own--our retirement home 2 years ago, and maintain it financially. I'm proud that I was able to do that for my husband. And he has so much respect for my money managing ability that he recently received a sizable inheritance that he immediately handed to me, and told me to 'do what I wanted with it'--knowing full well, I will care and grow that money for our retirement years, as I have with all other money I've gotten my hands on in the past 4 decades. I'm not saying that our method is right for all (even though I do believe everyone needs some money of their own), but I do wish to illustrate that there are many, many different methods that couples can use, that may work for them. Lastly--I have to make this point--if you knew us, you'd agree that there are few people you know in life who are more married, more devoted to each other than my DH and I--keeping money separate is NOT a detriment to a good marriage, any more than dumping it together will insure one will never get a divorce. Every couple is different, and the more important thing is that the two of you work together, agree on how you will manage money, and then follow through responsibly.
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kev111 - boy do I feel for you, I feel your pain! I live with a guy and his 18 years old son. We have lived together for a little over 1 year but have been friends for about 5 years. The story with the son is that my BF received full custody 4 years ago because BM could not handle him and her husband said it's me or him so off to dad the kid went. The kid had quite a nice life with mom - golf lessons, baseball, football, every electronic known to man but the kid is one of these who wants it all without having to do anything for it. Plus the son was not allowed to see his father for 1 year because the son made an abuse claim to a psychiatrist. This kid is a mess and no one deals with it. When I first moved in he cursed and screamed about everything at everyone including me. I would like to say I provoked the outbursts but I always tried to smile and be happy (it was the beginning of a new relationship) but the kid's attitude is horrendous. No respect for anyone, used to take my stuff use it return and not care whose it was. The theory he liked the best was it's my house not yours yet I live there...what logic. He also smokes pot, in the house, and has been caught doing this a number of time (plus outside in our backyard). He has become a slob in the main part of the house by not doing anything (and I mean anything). When the son got caught dealing drugs the parents sat down, figured out how to get rid of all paraphenalia and then took him out and bought him a great new cell phone (BM actually took him for that weekend). His father does not hand down any punishments at all - no reprecussions for any action. If the son curses at me like he did recently for taking his flip flop out of the hall closet (I thought they were his dad's since I hadn't seen anyone wearing them in a year) his father asks if I yelled back - he doesn't get mad that his son is being so disrespctful. His father and I cook for him, we can't make any arrangments with friends immediately after work because we have to go home first to feed his son or give him money for food even tho we have a freezer full of food. He spits, throws cigarettes wherever he wants, throws food on the front lawn because he just doesn't care. My BF does nothing, he cleans up after him, fixes his car because the 18 yr old doesn't want to work, also the son is still in High School and hopefully will graduate in June (unfortunately there is no guarantee). I know I am all over the place with descriptions but I am at my wit's end and reay to just move out. I don't have the ability to say to him it's me or the kid but something has to give and the BF does nothing. He used to get mad and yell at him and now there is no yelling, no frustration, nothing except the BF getting mad at me if I don't feel like cooking, cleaning, etc. because he feels like I am not pulling my weight yet videodrone gets away with doing nothing at all. Now, I yell over everything and have been told that if my yelling doesn't stop I can get out. I feel like since I knew him and I knew the son I should not have assumed that I could magically change things so now I just feel like I am losing a man who really has a big heart because of his son. I can relate with your current circumstances, if you figure out what to do please let me know because I would love to be able to get past this but right now leaving is my only option.
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weedyacres
15 years ago
I think you two need some marriage counseling to help you work through negotiating this issue.
Billl
15 years ago
There are many paths up the mountain, so you have to find one that works for both of you. A marriage counselor might help, but they aren't always great when it comes to the brass tacks of making a budget.

I suggest you make a date to talk about a family budget and family goals. Get someone to watch the girls so you won't have interruptions and you don't have to worry about censoring yourselves. Both of you should bring a list of your financial priorities - eg saving for college, retirement funds for each of you, annual vacations, etc. You'll also need a list of the bills because those will need to be paid before you can work on the priorities. Then, the two of you should decide on what your joint financial priorities are and lay out a plan to achieve them based on your current incomes.

Ultimately though, you are too young to think you are going to spend the rest of your life on disability for a back problem. You apparently are never going to be a brick mason, but you can obviously type at a computer and have enough mobility to do housework. You need to find something productive with the talents you have - and that probably is going to require some training to develop new skills that are more technical and less physical.

There is a big difference between being poor, but working to get ahead vs being poor and resigned to that status for the rest of your life. I have a feeling your wife will become a lot more flexible about a short term budget if she sees you are working on a way to improve both of your long term prospects.
jakkom
15 years ago
Honestly speaking...you haven't got much of a wife. She, OTOH, has a great one - you.

You both need counseling, because she has trust issues and you have self-confidence issues.

Why should she change? Everything is set up perfectly for her. If I were in her shoes I wouldn't want things to change, either.

If you live in a community property state I would think she is terrified you might file for divorce. She would have to pay you alimony - my sister had to pay her ex alimony for four years.

Lose your wife because you're poor? I don't think you ever 'had' her to begin with. Harsh, I know, but I've been married for 37 yrs and it takes a lot of hard work and effort to stay committed to one another, even when a couple are best friends like DH and me. I would never put up with an unfair arrangement, and I would think less of DH if he did.

Respect = treating people well. How can you have love without it? The answer is, you can't. One person doing all the compromising isn't much of a marriage.

All too often, money is power in a relationship. You've let her have all the power. Either take your fair share back, or prepare to leave.
dreamgarden
15 years ago
"I do all the housework, light yard work, laundry and take care of her pets."

"Besides her income, we are foster parents and she receives income for our 2 girls."

"Her income is between 4 or 5 times the amount of mine."

Do you do ALL of the housework? What chores is she responsible for inside (or outside of) the house?

How much does foster care pay for each child? Is this put into the joint account? Do you care for the girls while she is at work? Are they both in school?

Not sure about putting in a percentage of one's income but the fact that she makes 4 or 5 times more, (and thinks you need to contribute almost half of your income) doesn't sound fair.

Do either of you have debt from this marriage or before?
hilltop_gw
15 years ago
This is a case of "tit for tat" in a marriage. Marriage involves give and take, but it never comes out even all the time. She stepped into the situation knowingly, but now wants to change the scenario. Sit down and create a monthly budget and determine who's doing what to contribute to the household. Not everything is dollars.

My sister was married to a guy for decades. She was the breadwinner with a job that involved lots of travel and he was the house-husband who worked part-time but accommodated his schedule to meet the kids needs. He was a great dad. She always held it against him that he didn't step up to the plate more. When the kids got old enough she expected him to miraculously step into a high-paying job (in a down economy) so she could work less. The resentment escalated, they divorced.

You're defining yourself as poor, but do you have any goals or ambitions to change that? A back injury can curtail some careers but it leaves open the door to many other high paying ones that don't have physical demands. I find it ironic the excuses people sometimes give. We have a guy in our community who has "back issues", walks guardedly with a back brace and isn't working but yet a friend of mine witnessed him riding his motorcycle around. How's that work?

I don't understand the comment..."we are foster parents" and "she receives income for the two girls". It's a joint venture. The suggestion of a date night is great. From that date forward begin discussing everything as ours. Joint decision making. No his or hers. It appears counseling would help in this transition.
vala55
15 years ago
You think she should contribute more and you won't leave her because you would be poor? Sounds like you deserve each other.
azmom
15 years ago
vala55, I read as "he does not want to lose his wife only because of he is being poor". The reason he is being poor is because he is on disability with a part time job, carries most of the household work and contributes unfair share of his income.

I don't agree he deserves being treat as he is.

I agree with jkom51, OP, you don't have much of a wife and a healthy marriage. You are owned by a bully, slave owner who takes advantage of you. You are only two years into this relationship, don't have kid with her. You should make your long term plan and preserve your own self-respect.

Joint finances

Comments (9)

C Marlin

LuAnn_in_PA

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