LOL, Annie!

I agree that a personal, thoughtful, handwritten note was the type of thank-you she should have sent.

For the veil, she really ought to send a thank-you Gift; something Very Nice!

The afghan and the veil are gorgeous heirlooms, but it wouldn't matter if your gift Had been dish towels.

Hopefully she'll think this through later and do some more thanking.

I recently attended a wedding. About a month after the wedding, we received a photo card of the bride and groom that had been taken immediately after the wedding. They are holding a small chalkboard with "thank you" written on it. The print on the front of the photo says something like "thanks for being with us on our special day." It was a nice photo (if a ittle "pinteresty") and I'm glad to have it, but I'm not sure if that is the offical thank you note or not. Hmmm.....

kimberly, it may very well be the only thank you you'll get....

kimberly, I think it's those kind of cheap, lazy a#$ attempts to send blanket thank yous that irk me the most. I would be very surprised if you get anything personally acknowledging your gift. Sorry.

Yes, Annie and Annie, I do believe you're probably right.

I find the current wedding culture obnoxious and disturbing. The lack of genuine gratitude for gifts is symptomatic of the pervasive hubris of the wedding pair, and the donors' indignant insistence on a particular kind of acknowledgement is a tacit understanding that this is, after all, an economic transaction.

kswi: Of course it is; it's an economic transaction as well as a personal contribution and should be properly acknowledged. As should graduation gifts, holiday gifts, sympathy donations, etc.

I acknowledge the gifts not only because of economic reasons, but because the people put time and effort into thinking about us ... even if it was just a card with money, they had to go buy the card...something they wouldn't have done if they weren't thinking of us. The least I could do was acknowledge their thoughtfulness.

Many people do not acknowledge that it is a transaction, annie1971. They maintain their motives are altruistic and they give selflessly for the recipient's good, or pleasure, and nothing else.

Don't get me wrong, I don't have a problem with reciprocity, just when it is masquerading as something else :-)

I agree, annied, that gratitude is the proper response to a gift. It's the reaction of the giver when the gift is not acknowledged timely, in the preferred manner, or at all, that I find so interesting.

There are certain people in our lives that we all give to selflessly for the recipients good and enjoyment. AND there are those that we give to because we're asked by the recipient to give to by way of invitation -- we select, pay for, wrap, ship (pay for) and, yes, expect in a timely manner acknowledgment, if only to know that they actually received the gift.
To photograph yourself holding up a sign saying "thank you" then mailing it to everyone that attended your event and presuming to cover each persons effort and contribution to your happiness, is just wrong.

Annie your afghan is beautiful. You're very talented!
Yes, it would've been nice for the bride to take the time to hand write the thank you note. If someone is going to type them, at least be specific about the gift.

I'd first like to mention I do hand write specific thank you notes for everything......... In general, am I the only person that thinks thank you etiquette is a little over done at times? I'm talking about face to face thank yous. Bridal and baby showers and birthday parties come to mind first. If someone thanks me IN PERSON I'm ok without a thank you note. Again, I still always send them, but does it really help some people sleep better at night? I'm not trying to be snarky I just think we should be able to give a gift with no strings attached, including the thank you note string.

I do think there are times when something nice/special is done that warrants both a thank you in person and a note. I suppose I bugs me that it's 'expected' when I personally said thank you face to face. That means more to me than a note I'll look at and toss in the trash.

During holidays with my family and friends, none of us ever send thank you notes since we're face to face. I know everyone is ok with this. The few out of state relatives, I'll usually pick up the phone. I know they'd rather hear from me.

I may not be wording this well but basically I think the demands of the perfect thank you note is really no better than a demanding bride or mother to be, etc.

Deee "..."words can not express how thrilled I was to receive your gift."
You know the person and I don't, but do you really think it was intended to actually be snarky? Sounds like the parents could've helped with the wording but for an 11 yr old. . . I took it as just rough around the edges.

Annie, the afghan is beautiful! I can't imagine not writing a personal thank you for it! I also like to make afghans for wedding gifts. Can you tell me where I can find the pattern?

I guess I was raised very different married 26 years this year and I never sent out thank you cards. We opened the presents at the wedding in front of everyone and I personally thanked people then for the people who did not want to participate in this part. I went back out to the reception and thanked everyone this is a family tradition. We were also able to tell the people who gave cash what we would be buying or putting it towards. I have only ever received thank you cards to weddings I have not attended. Not wrong just different.

It's interesting to see all these different opinions on TY notes.

I often deliver donated goods from my women's club to various organizations. I stress to them that we don't want a TY note. It's such a waste of time and paper. They're happy to get the stuff, we're happy to donate it, we're all good. Some organizations use it as a form of accounting "thank you for the 3 blankets, 7 articles of baby clothing" etc but most just send a generic TY note that we don't want or need.

If I hand someone a gift and they thank me, our social contract has been fulfilled. That would include shower gifts BUT I don't hand make beautiful afghans, I shop from the registry. I think a handmade gift deserves at least a brief, hand written TY.

I was taught never to bring a gift to the wedding and I've never attended a wedding where the gifts were opened. So in that case, I do look for a TY so I know the gift was received by the couple. I do want a one-line hand written TY, not just a picture of the couple or a pre-printed card. "Thanks for the blender, come over for Margaritas some time." or "Thanks for the money, we'll use it to buy Margarita ingredients."

Like Pal said above, gifts that have been mailed or shipped really should be acknowledged so the sender knows it arrived.

Obviously, based on the posts here, it is hard to know who wants, needs, deserves, requires, abhors getting a hand written or pre-printed or generic or personal TY. I can only do what I was taught and what I would want. And sometimes that probably misses the mark to someone else. I guess we all need to remember to cut other people some slack because we have different expectations.

I still have a few TY notes that I really enjoyed reading. They were either funny or sentimental or unexpected. I also still have a few wedding response cards because the people wrote such nice or funny notes in them. Since receiving and enjoying those, I always include a hand written comment on response cards.

I have a friend who still hand writes TYN. She also takes a photo of the gift being used in some manner. Loved it when she adopted a little girl and sent pictures showing the gifts being worn or displayed.

Interesting to me that lately my PA and nurse, plus my vet have sent more than a couple of hand written notes mentioning how much they enjoyed a personal story, congratulating me on an accomplishment, ect. Someone is seeing the value of once was. I know this is part marketing, but sure enjoy those notes and knowing they actually were listening to me as a person.

Maybe a few more will begin to realize how special it is to know someone took the time to honor special events personally.

I think I would hand write a note back to the bride and share how special it was to crochet the afghan for her and honored she wore the veil. Maybe, but could spark some small lesson.

Thanks sheesharee and woodchuck. The pattern I found in an old workbasket magazine....Mom saved them all these years, and I've kept them. It is crochet and it is worked along the length of the afghan. It includes a row of twisted stitches to give it the pattern. Then I worked a shell pattern at the top and bottom to finish it off.

I disagree with CLBlakely that it's just different...what you practiced may be different, but there is an accepted etiquette associated with weddings, and thank you notes for shower gifts and wedding gifts are part of it, even if the giver was thanked in person.

I still remember that L. never sent me a thank you note after I gave her a lovely wedding gift and that was over 25 years ago. I found it very tacky....perhaps not surprising knowing L. but tacky nonetheless. Of course she never thanked me in person either. No acknowledgment at all.

Here is a link that might be useful: Wedding Thank Yous

I used to exchange gifts with a co-worker at Christmastime.
We usually worked different days, so we left the gifts in each other's office.
Our office closed for the holidays, so we would then have no contact until after the New Year.
She usually gave me a Christmas ornament; I usually gave her an ornament or a gift card to her favorite lunch place.
I wrote a thank you note to her every single year, telling her I got the gift, and thank you so much, etc.
She never sent a note, never called, never texted or emailed, never said, "Hey, I got the gift; thanks!" in person.
Never, not once.
Lol, I'm just now realizing how weird that was...

Hmmm....maybe the new go-to wedding gift should be a book on etiquette.

Different cultures different etiquette. Even province to province here there are different cultures. Like cutlery not everyone sets a full table maybe its a differentiation between classes. I have been to or sent presents to at least 4 other weddings where no Thank-you notes (not family where it is tradition not to on agreement it is a waste of paper) A thank you phone call would have been nice though for all your hard work.

maybe the new go-to wedding gift should be a book on etiquette

Actually, when I got married...long before the internet...I did buy a book on etiquette because I wanted to be sure I did it right...control freak, people pleaser and clueless as I was/am... I still had someone complain to my grandmother that she hadn't gotten a thank you note for the gift she sent me. It was really rich...She gave me some old dishes she had...some luncheon plates...not a set and an odd number at that. I got them shortly before the wedding day and I did write the thank you along with a few others and left them ready to go...but unfortunately in a not obvious place. I asked Mom to drop them in the mail as I was leaving for my honeymoon, but she couldn't find them. So I mailed them off as soon as I got back! Sheesh!

Annie, that piece is gorgeous, and I have an idea just how much love & work went into your making it.

Sadly, I believe that the amount of technology (texting, tweeting, FB), etc. is dumbing down our generations to come when it comes to putting pen to paper to properly thank someone for a gift. Me, I love to write personal thank yous for things I receive, be it a gift or a favor. Like mtnrdredux, my DD has written thank you notes since she was old enough to hold a crayon. But that's just me.

Sad that the recipient of that beautiful afghan doesn't practice writing some proper thank you notes.

BTW, loved your poem thank you for the sweater you were gifted. Your poem vs. pre-printed TY cards are exactly what make me believe that we are beginning to lose the value and importance of a written TY note to acknowledge another's effort.

SMH

Waste of paper? Really. I'm wondering what these different cultures think paper is used for.

I think it is the whole card culture not just paper($) the idea of a card for this and a card for that just a money grabber. Don't get me wrong cards are nice but grew up never buying into it. we don't even tag presents. Yet present tags can be so beautiful.

Maybe you were raised knowing there was a specific standard about sending cards I was not and I suppose the others who did not send cards were not told this either.

If everyone doesn't know the rules it seems like an unfair game.

These are rules that I play by and I am teaching DD8. Do these meet the bar for etiquette?

If I receive a gift, I call the person to thank them personally and specifcally. I will share how we plan to use or are using the gift and what I love about it. I thank them for thinking of me and finding a thoughtful gift. If I cannot call, I will email them - again a specific and gracious thank you.I will also make sure I mention this the next time I see them in person. I reserve paper thank yous for people who are not on email or do not check regularly or else I know prefer a written note. I do write handwritten thank yous for school teachers, girl scouts leaders for my daughter's school etc.

I make DD write thank yous. Note paper, good cursive handwriting, specific thank you for the gift. I will confess that this can be a battle. She will invite 24 friends to a party and then balk at writing 24 notes. One year, I told her that she can only have the gift once she finishes writing the thank yous. Some gifts went unclaimed and I donated to charity during the holidays. DD was mad at me and I confess that I felt mean. Except for a couple of kids, none of the other kids have ever written thank you notes.

I do not like the overuse of printed hallmark type cards and the evite thankyous are so generic enough to be annoying.

i also don't buy into the card thing for everybody... i come from a family that was really into sending cards for everyone's (it seemed!) anniversary, birthday, etc... and, i just haven't done that... i don't think i'm organized enough to do that!! i do try to send cards out to people who really think they're important tho...

but, TY notes are abit different, imo... my feeling is that even if you don't 'believe in' them, if someone sends a gift, the right thing to do is acknowledge the item. at kids' BD parties, i always had my child send a ty to let the parent know the gift was appreciated... i knew the kids who attended the party couldn't care less about a note ty.
at christmas/birthdays, if we open gifts with extended family present, i never send a ty... if they send something, i will usually just call... i personally think calling everyone who attended a wedding /shower and speaking directly to them on the phone would be an excellent/acceptable alternative, but that would also be very time consuming... i have never been to a wedding where the bride/groom have opened presents during the reception...

i think i would probably say that an event/party that is 'formal' enough to send out invitations, then a TY note would be appropriate for gifts received, unless the gifts were opened at the event and the recipient was able to truly acknowledge/speak about the gift- face to face- with the giver/s...

This seems more of a generational problem than one of etiquette ---- which is constantly changing , evolving as our style of living changes. Young people for whom the primary mode of communication has been electronic would naturally gravitate towards that method of acknowledgement for a gift or anything else. The age cohort that does not text or email for "important" communications would not see those modes of acknowledgement as sufficient. I guess people should employ the method of communication that best suits the giver. But, I would ask the handwritten note camp how many actual letters--- not short thank yous, but real letters--- they have written in the past five years. The number may indicate if that is actually your preferred means of communication.

Trust your gut. The bride was RUDE, and if she is so ungrateful I would be sure to temper the "wedding" gift. I went to a nephews graduation party and as I signed the guest book was given a formal thank you for the gift. I was APPALLED!! If it wasn't my sister I would never have attended another function of theirs. If we allow ourselves to be treated this way it will only get worse. Sadly the only way to teach the proper way is to live it. Be sure you raise your children to properly thank someone!!! Someone must have "schooled" my sister because out of four kids this was the only one handled in this fashion.

Well, I've been waiting patiently and finally received my thank you note from the bride for whom I made the veil.

It was a preprinted card, the address was a printed label and there was no individual acknowledgment or even a hand written signature...just a preprinted "form" note that everyone got, including thanking me for my presence at the wedding when I didn't even go. But, just as the note was post-shower, it was covered with pics of the bride and groom.

How nice.

Better than nothin', I suppose....

I know I sound like an old fogey, but I really dislike the current mentality that it's the "Bride's Big Day" and she is accomodated to the extent of everyone else. Weddings used to be about a new couple being welcomed into, and celebrating with, their new families. I was surprised recently to discover that new brides don't even take photos with family anymore (someone here mentioned it, and I noticed it at a recent wedding), and that the bride and groom and the wedding party are the only ones in the formal photos. I cherish those photos from my wedding, moreso than the attendants,only one of whom I see 41 years later.

And, for more old foginess, the habit of the wedding party leaving to party alone for a couple of hours after the wedding and before the reception, while the wedding "guests" (more like hostages) find somewhere to go, is beyond rude, IMHO. This has happened in the last 3 weddings I've gone to. We had to spend the time in a restaurant because the couples wanted to save money, and still have their private party, so scheduled the reception much later than the wedding. I hope this is just a local custom.

Sorry, Annie that your efforts weren't recognized by the bride. I fear it's that entitlement status many brides feel is their due.

Well, here's one for you...

Our DIL (of one year) proudly brought out the wedding album she put together and when we got to the end I turned to my husband and said, "Well, I guess we didn't make the cut". Not one pic of our family. And SHE was offended that I was offended, lol! She's from another country so don't know if it's a cultural thing (doubtful) or not. The worst part was seeing the position DS was put in as he loves us all very much (he was unaware we were omitted; don't think he was involved in putting the album together)..

Annie, the bride's thoughtlessness in your situation is mind boggling! You deserved much better.

Annie, IâÂÂm absolutely stunned at this brideâÂÂs thoughtlessness - especially after all the time and attention you gave to make her such an heirloom veil! I may be an old fogey, but I find such an impersonal gesture like a pre-printed thank you note for a gift like yours incredibly tacky!

funnygirl...how very sad...were her parents excluded also?

I'm surprised by the tackiness of the whole situation, but especially that a preprinted thank you note took 4 months to get sent. Wow, picking them up from the printers must have been very time consuming ....er, wait, they were probably ordered online and mailed. Regardless, it must have been just exhausting for the new couple!

It's disappointing that some couples feel entitled and don't recognize when another person goes above and beyond to do something nice.

To be fair, it was 2 months, not more, which is ok...better than not at all. I think she was waiting to get the pics from the pro photographer and then use them to make the thank you cards as this arrived a couple of weeks after she started posting the pro pictures on her facebook page.

Regardless of the gift given, I would think a handwritten note is appropriate. At the very least, if she's using a preprinted thank you, one line at the bottom acknowledging the specific gift and a handwritten signature shouldn't be that big a deal.

Oh well....I'm trying to practice forgiveness, which, according to Oprah's favorite definition is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different...what's done is done.

Ah, the "untouched by human hands" thank you note. I have gotten them as Christmas cards.

I'm glad you decided to go on your cruise and skip the wedding.

I think you are being very gracious about this, although I guess you have few choices short of giving her a piece of your mind - which would ruin the fond feelings she likely has for that gorgeous veil. I guess we do things for the pleasure they give us and others without thought to what we will get in return. Too bad she doesn't know how much pleasure a warm and personal note would mean to you and others who put effort into their gifts. Maybe in the modern day "tradition" of writing checks for gifts, the need for personalized thank yous is waning and as is the ability to use common sense to discern the difference between your gift and cash.

My GF was putting the screws to her son to write thank you notes for the birthday gifts we gave to his 2 yr old son...her grandson. I rec'd it today and it was a very nice and personal note, and they even had the lad "color" the front cover...it was very cute and touching, and much appreciated.

Who knows, olychick, maybe the next innovation will be a bank account where you just deposit the gift...your receipt is your thank you note....I mean they are already doing drive-by funerals...

This post was edited by AnnieDeighnaugh on Fri, Sep 6, 13 at 20:54

lefleur, there were a couple of shots of her parents. No group photos, just candid ones were used. There were several precious pictures of DS with his 94 y.o. grandmother which weren't included, and another of the bride and groom presenting her with flowers which was also not used. What's even more odd is that I think she likes us. It's hard not to take it personally but, judging from her reaction, I honestly don't think it was intended to be. Who knows. Except for this one incident, she seems like a very sweet person; is in the health care field, loves and cares about her patients, her friends, etc. I really just don't know what to make of it but I can't say that it doesn't bother me. It very much does.

A little OT, but when BIL and SIL got married, she had 5 showers. She completed 3 sets of china; her DM's house was lined with banquet tables to hold the gifts. Her DM made FLASH CARDS and quizzed her so she could mention it at a later date! At DFIL's funeral, when she met an old friend of the family, she told them she had JUST worn a hole in the lovely green placemats they had given her....really?? In less than a year!

So we have a running joke whenever we pull out a 30 yo wedding gift...oh, look, honey, I'm using the knife aunt Kay gave us for a wedding gift!!

We went to a wedding in our (former) small town, and received a photo of OURSELVES as a TY! It was good photo, but still.....

Nancy

Etiquette aside, I think it is sad. You put so much thought and love into the afghan and veil. You probably just wanted to know she was happy with it vs. being thanked, if that makes sense.

Your work is gorgeous. I hope you know we all appreciate it!

Thanks anele, I enjoyed working on them too, and am glad you enjoyed seeing them. I appreciate your and everyone's support and kind words.

Pleased to update this thread...I made the tag blanket for the Mom to be and, as I didn't want to deal with a baby shower where I know no one, I declined to attend. Instead I had "Mom & Dad" over for lunch and gave them the gift. While they were here, they both mentioned how much they enjoy and use the afghan. I received a specially bought thank you note that was hand written and personal. It was very nice! I'm wondering, had I gone to the shower where the gifts are received en masse, if I would've received a more institutional thank you...

All in all, it worked out well as I avoided the shower (yawn) and got to enjoy their company directly, and received a nice note to boot!

I was just reading through this thread and it really struck a cord with me. I had never heard of such a thing as sending a preprinted thank you card for a wedding or shower, and couldn't imagine that anyone I knew would actually use them. But when my dear stepdaughter was married last year that is exactly what we received - a preprinted card with yet another photo of the bride and groom. I was speechless; DH and I funded the entire wedding and also gave a cash gift on wedding day for the honeymoon.

To be fair, I suspect this must be at least partially a generational thing. My SD is a perfectly lovely girl under normal circumstances, but was so caught up in the whole "it's my day" thing that I was very relieved when the whole wedding process was over. And the thank you notes were not the only thing that I found appalling. In her defense, her birth mother is completely lacking in parenting skills and while DH is a great role model, he has never been one to give advice to the kids unless they sought it.

Annie, that afghan is so lovely and thoughtful. I would have been totally offended as well.

This post was edited by peacamp on Mon, Sep 15, 14 at 9:16

I recently received a baby shower invitation that was preprinted on the back with not only the registry info but also a list of what else was needed (why are these things, onesies and such, not on the registry? A specific model glider - from catalog - as well as gift card from a less-well-known baby website and certain brand of diaper covers were also listed).

While I'm thrilled for the parents (relatives) and will look at the 3 different registries, I'll probably pick up some gowns like those I found useful with my winter babies, and make a baby blanket or some flannel swaddling wraps and give them at birth/Xmas rather than driving an hour to a hall to attend a shower with friends of the mom who are 15-20 years younger than I am.

The last baby shower I went to, there were men as well as women, and the Mom & Dad to be opened gifts together...I certainly didn't bring my DH...I always think of showers as something women inflict on each other...no need to burden the guys with such things...

Our DD may be on the verge of engagement. (That sounds a little like a war skirmish, doesn't it?) When and if, I plan to tell her that The Financial Plug Will Be Pulled if we hear "it's my day" about anything other than trash pickup at her condominium. She is a sensible girl and I want to keep it that way. :-)

Oh, I looked at the invitation again, it's a potluck and BYOB, co-ed and kids invited. I hope there's a playground or at least a big yard at the VFW hall. We won't be going though - just saw it's the afternoon after an all-weekend (camping) event DD has. Her first muster with the fife and drum corp, their 45th anniversary. Even if we could make it I think we're going to be too tired (DS and I aren't camping but volunteering to help with meals and making/breaking camp, it's right here in town).