I don't think anyone is obligated to go 2500 miles for a wedding unless it is one's immediate family, or a best friend. Even then, it's okay to say, "I'm sorry, but I cannot make the trip".

The same-sex issue should never be a part of your consideration. But the travel is an issue. Stick to that.

First off - it wouldn't bother me at all to NOT attend the wedding of ANYONE 2500 miles and thousands of dollars away - especially when it's not someone in my own family.

The same sex marriage would not bother me. Though not my cup of tea, people have a right to happiness. People love who they love, plain and simple. But put that aside since you told him your feelings; and I doubt he would be expecting you to travel at great expense to attend now anyway.

Any smoothing over you feel you might have to do is with your good friend - not the 38 year old son.

Ok, your OP has one paragraph about money and 3 about the same sex thing.

Would you go if he were marrying a girl? Then your excuse should be you don't feel comfortable attending a same sex marriage, but wish them well. You probably have a right to your opinion, but if you can't or don't want to stand by it when it matters, you may want to rethink your opinion.

If you wouldn't go even if he were marrying a girl, then your excuse should be... nothing...just a sorry, you won't be able to attend. You could add in passing that it's too expensive for you, but a good friend wouldn't expect you to be out so much money if you couldn't afford it and wouldn't expect you to have to explain yourself or your finances.

By the way, I think your focusing on the same sex thing is/was a mistake. At this point, I'm not sure you can get out of it without them thinking that is at least part of the reason.

Personally I don't understand why you got an invite. If he pushed you for your feelings and you explained to him your feelings, it seems to me he was trying to ignite something or felt obligated to invite you to the wedding. I do agree that you should focus on your friend as I'm sure she will be affected by your decision no matter what you do. If you go, ask yourself why your going. Your stuck between a rock and a hard place on this. Sorry.

This doesn't seem to have anything to do with etiquette, unless you hammer away at them about your feelings about a same sex marriage....which it doesn't sound like you have.

No one would expect you to do that kind of traveling and spend that kind of money to attend a wedding. Not even if you WERE a relative. I have a nephew who is being married a couple thousand miles away and I can't even consider attending.

Buy them a wonderful gift and a heartfelt card. Express your happiness that they have found each other and wish them great joy. No apologies for what was said earlier, and don't bring it up. You can't say to them, "I'm so happy for you BUT..." If you know what I mean.

Reply to the invitation with your regrets; no reason is necessary. Send a thoughtful gift.

#1 you can't afford it
#2 what you think of this wedding doesn't matter because you can't afford to go away...

i wouldn't worry about it, just send a nice card & maybe a gift if you can afford to or want to. the family must realize the distance so ie the expense and that not everyone is able to afford such. Since you strongly oppose same sex marriage, i'm sure the couple would oppose you going... ~ liz

That's sad. No matter what you do or say, he'll assume it's because you don't support him.

If I were him, I'd be relieved that you weren't going. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh but the last thing he needs is someone being judgmental and uncomfortable at his wedding ceremony. And it sounds, from what you've written, that the idea makes you very uncomfortable and he knows that. How would you handle watching them kiss and be affectionate with each other? Maybe you can hide it well but many can't.

Good luck with your decision.

Personally, I wouldn't go that far, or spend that much for any friend's wedding, no matter how close, nor whom they were marrying.

I'm not getting the ettiquette part of the question, either. It's a simple matter to reply with regrets, and send a nice gift.

Do need to tell you this, though, of all the weddings I've been to, bar none, the one where two guys were getting married was absolutely the most fun of all. It was a real experience.

Lastly--I think you probably should adhere to your own advice. If you're going to 'agree to disagree', you shouldn't be making such a big deal of the same sex thing. "Agree to Disagree" pretty much means that you DO accept the other person, including the areas where their opinions differ from yours. Same sex/different sex--what does it really matter, as long as the person is happy and in love? I am happy when any of my friends find their soulmate--regardless of their sexual orientation.

Just an additional thought - the 38 year old is presumably an adult and your being "uncomfortable" certainly isn't the first time he's encountered people being uncomfortable. This is something he doesn't necessarily have to like, but he, too, should be capable of understanding.

If and when you do actually receive an invitation - simply send your regrets. The more you try to obfuscate and try to explain, the worse you'll make things.

Forgive my bluntness - you don't want to go, don't go!

Sounds like you were trying to do the kind thing - keep your mouth shut - and it makes me angry that he pushed you until you spoke up and then got angry at you. I also don't think it's fair for anyone to tell you what should and shouldn't be a part of your decision. The gay people I know don't expect that everyone is going to support them when they marry or have kids. It's just naive to think that an issue where people have such deeply-held beliefs and feelings is going to change in 20-30 years.

At any rate, I think Carla35 is right, no matter what excuse you give, they're going to assume that your not attending is due, at least in part, to them being gay. I'd send my regrets and a great gift, and spend some extra time with your friend.

I think all the messages are pretty clear. I have received and sent invitations to weddings...Scotland to West Coast and it never entered my mind that I could attend or that friends and even family could attend. (altho, I would have loved being together for the event) Wish them well with a card and token of your blessing and let it go. Nanny

I imagine they are inviting a lot of people they do not expect will travel to attend. We've had lots of guests at our Maui condo who are there to be part of a wedding. Most couples don't expect a crowd to accept and attend.

The son of long-time friends was married at a winery in Santa Rosa, CA several years ago. We attended and gave a nice gift, in part because we'd been invited to stay with the groom's parents and see their new home. I also had a couple days to visit long-lost cousins in the area. When their daughter married in San Francisco last year we sent a large check, but did not attend. We're a tad older and had no other reason to travel to the West Coast from Chicago.

Decline the invitation. Send a warm, congratulatory card expressing your best wishes for them both -- and a nice gift.

I would do exactly as Chisue says in her last sentence.

I think it was wrong on the part of the future groom to ask your opinion and then take offense when you stated your feelings.

I say don't go strictly because it is too costly for you. Distant weddings are not within everyone's financial or time off budgets. I don't believe in busting a budget for anyone's wedding, not even my own or my kids'. But do send a lovely gift. Perhaps they are registered and you can find something nice to send. Include a note with your RSVP wishing them the best.

I agree,don't go because you can't afford it NOT because you don't agree with the same sex thing! That's really none of your business anyway! As someone else mentioned,whether you use the excuse that is the real reason,after discussing the same sex thing with him and letting him know how you feel(which I would have never done in the first place),he will always think that is the reason.Sadly,that can't be fixed now so I say suck it up,send a very nice gift and your apologies for not "being able" to attend and forget it!

No one should force you to spend that amount of money to attend their wedding .... truthfully not even children or parents. Just respectfully decline and don't engage in any discussion about whether you approve or disapprove.

"I'm sorry, we won't be able to attend your wedding"
-- REPEAT as necessary

Oh, I thought you'd already received the invitation, but then i re-read you post and see the wedding isn't until next fall. No sense worrying about it now. You may not even get an invitation.

I'm of the same camp, send regrets because you are unable to attend, PERIOD. Send a lovely card and gift, offer good thoughts and love to your friend. Frankly, with your feelings being as they are they may prefer you not attend and that he extended the invitation because of his parents.

This is not really an etiquette question. Surely you know how to accept or decline an invitation.

You're borrowing trouble - you haven't even been invited yet!

If you are invited, send regrets, send a card, and send a gift if you are so inclined.

I just keep thinking that the OP wanted some validation on feelings toward gay marriage. Coming here, hopefully to find kindred souls. The distance and expense parts alone would be easy enough to understand as a reason to decline any possible future invitation - the gay issue is like an added bonus.

It's a very recent thread and the OP probably hasn't had time to read and respond any further.

Even tho the real issue is money, tell them you just can't get off work at that time of year. Send a nice card and a check for whatever you think is okay.

It sounds to me like the question is are you allowed to have your feelings and having them, be true to them. It isn't about etiquette at all. This is confusing. It seems this is a friend of yours. You must have known his lifestyle, and that did not interfere with your friendship. Is it ok to like someone but not like the way they live? I think we do it all the time. I have plenty of friends at work, we visit but I would never go out socially and have people assume I approve of the way they live. Why is homosexuality become such an all or nothing issue? You are under no obligation to go to a wedding EVER. You have no reason to feel you have to go to this one to prove you are a good person. Good people do not agree with this same sex marriage thing. They remain good people. The fact that people are made to feel like they are required to go with the flow on this is ridiculous. Your feelings are as valid as your friends.

I'll take off on another direction...
Please don't make this a hot topic - I am telling a brief story - that is all..
I grew up with a best friend who, like me, loved horses. She was a Cher lookalike and the boys fell all over themselves when they saw her.
She was in counseling with a teacher and became good friends with her. I asked what she could tell the teacher that she couldn't tell me and she said..Oh Kathy, I could never tell you that. I could see the hurt in her eyes.
Well you know the rest. We went our separate ways, as friends do, when we were 14. She dated many guys, but her lifelong partner ended up being a lady. THAT was what she couldn't tell me.
This was in the 70's. Small town America. I wasn't aware that gay women existed. I wouldn't have known how to handle such a thing.
I think that life is hard enough already. Why would someone choose a same sex partner to marry unless they were deeply in love? Can you imagine the stares they get when they go anywhere?
He put you on the spot and shouldn't have. You should respect and accept his decision and he should come down a peg and respect and accept yours.
Agree to disagree is the best way to handle this, but do it with love. I'll never forget the pain in my friend's eyes...
Kathy

You should not feel guilty .If this is a financial strain on your family and you don't believe in same sex marriage even more reason to stay away.

First, nobody is obligated to go thousands of miles to attend a wedding. I don't care if they're immediate family, that does not obligate you. Fer cryin out loud, sometimes the bride and groom aren't even in the same spot! LOL I would not likely attend many weddings or funerals that are thousands of miles away.

Second, nobody is obligated to spend a DIME they can't afford to attend a wedding. Expecting that is selfish. No way would I spend the money if I couldn't well afford it.

Third, nobody is obligated to condone something they honestly feel is not right. This isn't an endorsement nor condemnation to your opinion, simply a fact. And it doesn't matter whether it's reasonable or not. If *you* don't feel the marriage is right, for whatever reason and regardless of whether you're even correct on it, you don't have an obligation to attend and as I said, maybe only the bride and groom (or groom and groom or bride and bride, or dog and horse, etc. are "obligated" to attend in the first place. If you felt the marriage was illegal, for instance a sham to gain citizenship or something, you'd be a hypocrite to attend and endorse it IMO.

Also, you're not obligated to send a gift if you don't want to give one. Sounds like you would like to give something since you've said you're happy for him and would like to meet his friend.

I have a policy that I make known: Don't ask me a question you don't want answered. Don't pull this if you can't say something nice... BS on me. Don't even try. That's a silly saying. If you ask me "Does this dress make me look fat?" I may well tell you that no, the dress doesn't make you look fat, it's the extra 40 pounds on the hips that makes you look fat.

He asked your opinion, you gave it. He couldn't accept it. He's trying to pull the if you can't say something nice crapola and you don't need to subscribe.

Sounds to me that he wants to be more high profile on his beliefs, orientation and political activities. I wouldn't get caught up in it.

Yes, if you haven't been invited it's not an issue right now but it's reasonable to sort your feelings now.

And no, I certainly would not lie. I don't tell people I can't get off work, or the car wouldn't start or some lie that everyone can see through. You don't say why, you say you won't be attending the event. If you regret that you can't go, say you regret that you won't be attending. If they press, there's a lot of reasons, distance and financial should be the first considerations. And by then if they don't understand, there's no need to say more.

And as far as being judgmental or uncomfortable at a wedding, sheesh! How often does that happen? Most? "She's not good enough for him..." "He's not good enough for her..." "My, my, do you suppose she's pregnant???" "S/He's not the same religion, color, nationality, from the same town, talks funny, doesn't have the same education,..." "MY child's wedding was nicer than this..." bla,...

Kathy, no one chooses to be gay, they are born that way. I have friends here whose adult daughter is a lesbian. I have heard her mom's stories of the heartache the daughter went through in her teens when she realized she was gay.

linda, I believe that is what kathy was saying.

If you can't afford to go to the wedding, I say
send your regrets with a lovely present!

Thanks for the replies.

The biggest issue is money and time. Traveling 2500 miles is expensive and hotels in this city are probably $200+ a night, plus rental cars, and on and on.

After reading responses and thinking about this a couple days, I realized that if the wedding was close or within five or six hours by car, I'd probably attend, so it's not about the same-sex thing, as much as it is about the money.

Like everyone else, our expenses - food, heat, and insurance - have gone through the roof and we're trying to keep our heads above water. Money is an issue. If we made this trip, it'd be 100% on the credit card and that makes me real nervous in these times.

Thanks again for the responses.

this is an absolute no-brainer. No, I wouldnt give it a second thought. Too much $$ and you don't consider it a real wedding anyway, so what's the point. No way.