Help! Baby Shower Gift etiquette?

9 years ago

I need some help here as to proper etiquette. God this is long, but Its important to get the whole picture.

I am attending a babyshower this weekend for a very close friend of my SO and I. (He considers her to be like a sister/family, and I have known her for years). Let's call her Michelle.

We decided and budget about $150 for a gift and ultimately decided to buy a handful of smaller gifts that fell under that amount. This was bc I was told there was no registry and I didnt want to buy a larger ticket item without the blessing of the mom to be. So I bought 5-6 smaller ticket items (bibs, clothes, a book, some Honest products) which at this point it cost me just over 100$.

Now the woman hosting the shower, let's call her Jane, just sent out a registry ....literally 3 days ago (that is: 7 days before the shower) and asked us to try and get something off there.

Well, aside from the fact that this felt a little bit rude (the invites were sent over a month ago.. why wasn't anything mentioned sooner or when i originally asked!), I still had about 50$ in our budget and decided to give a look and decided to also pick up a blanket.

SO: the problem? It's a lot of stuff.
1. I actually didn't realize it until I saw it all together when I went to wrap it up. I am not concerned with Michelle liking our gifts, but I am really worried about making other women feel uncomfortable for having gotten so many things, or thinking we had gone over the top. Do you think this will be the case?

2. I also am worried about how Jane is going to yet again react. My SO & I are very careful about what we spend money on, and are very attentive to our finances, but we have no problem spending money on the people we love, and will do so when appropriate. Jane however has made it clear in the past that she thinks we just spend spend spend money inappropriately. (To give you an example: They live 5 hours away and so whenever we visit, we usually sleep over at their house. My SO & I bring a host gift and usually buy dinner at some point during our stay, seeing this as being good guests.... but Jane thinks that these gestures are just us showing off our money). Thus I AM worried that she will also just think this is us somehow 'flaunting our wealth', rather than just seeing that Michelle is family to us and we want to give her a great gift.

Im extremely frustrated because something I felt great about now also feels crappy. So, to get around the inevitable negative judging and side commentary that wlil come of 'giving too much', I was thinking I would only give one or two of the items to Michelle during the shower (in view of the public/Jane), and the rest at a separate private time.

THOUGHTS? Please :(

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Comments (6)

nancylouise5me
9 years ago
How you spend YOUR money is your business, not Jane's or anyone else. She doesn't get a vote. She sounds like she is jealous of you with her comments about money (and yes, you are being gracious guests when you bring hostess gifts or take them to dinner for their letting you stay at their home). If spending a budgeted amount on your friend Michelle makes you feel good and gets her the items she needs for the baby, so be it. End of conversation. So give the gifts you purchased for her and the baby at the shower and enjoy yourself. Don't doubt yourself. You did nothing wrong. NancyLouise
gellchom
9 years ago
I was going to suggest the solution you yourself put at the end of your post: give her as much as you think approximates the "right" size shower gift (whatever that is) at the shower, then give her the rest, if you want to, when the baby comes or for some later occasion.

I'd leave the way she makes you feel about money out of it. That's obnoxious, but I don't think it's a helpful factor for you in figuring out what to do for the shower.

If you feel like your whole gift will seem excessive, for whatever reason, then give a smaller one.

I think that $150 is a very, very generous baby gift! Niece/nephew level for me.
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I have only read a few of the responses to your original post. I will tell you that when I had my DD, there were no registries. It would have been nice, but just wasn't the case. I have, however, hosted baby showers over the years for moms who did register. It is a way for places like Babies R Us to force guests into buying gifts chosen by the mom to be. I don't like it, but it seems to be the way things are now done. I did not, however, accept the store's recommendation that I use their (the store's) invitations. I think it is tacky. I personally never buy a gift off of the registry. I like to give something not so "cookie cutter", and give a gift of a Longerberger(sp) small lidded basket with the plastic liner. I put a disposible camera inside and the ceramic year marker that goes on the clasp. I usually include a note regarding what the basket is for - mom to take to the hospital on the day of the birth. The basket lid is the perfect size for the doc to put a "set of footprints" on the top of the lid of the basket. The camera is self-explanatory. I started this tradition with my SIL when she was pregnant with my godson. The docs/nurses are usually good sports about doing an extra set of footprints on the lid of the basket. It makes a nice gift for display in the nursery - it can hold keepsakes - lock of hair, first tooth over the years. Its great if the gift giver wants to just pick up a gift from the registry, but I think it lacks creativity. I'd rather give something a little different. As far as the larger gifts, my mom, and 2 MIL's took me out before my shower and we picked out things I would need for the baby, i.e.; highchair, swing, good car seat, etc.. Those gifts never came to the shower. I think it is unnecessary to bring the larger gifts to the shower. My point is - larger gifts from mom and MIL shouldn't be brought to the shower. They take up alot of room and then they have to be lugged away after the shower. My mom and grandmother both gave me crocheted (sp?) sweater, hat and bootie sets which I loved, and meant more to me than any high ticket item. Back in the day you received at least 2-3 handmade blankets - either knitted or crocheted. I was also lucky enough to get a handmade quilt "Box of Tricks" from a friend who did quilting. I love what you are giving your DIL. While I agree that your DIL needs to practice better manners, please do not make this an issue. Truth be told, she will ultimately decide the tone of the entire family relationship you have from here on out with this particular grandchild and any other children she may have. I hope all goes well and your DIL learns something when she becomes a mother herself. Congrats on your new grandchild!
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"I always thought you were not supposed to put where a person is registered on an invitation. And especially not ask for gifts. But oh well." The entire point of a baby or wedding shower is to "shower" the guest of honor with presents, so putting the registry information in with the invitation is typically considered appropriate. It's events that are NOT specifically oriented toward the gifts, such as the wedding itself or a graduation party, where open reference to gifts is inappropriate. Did anyone else think a shower invitation from the cousin's daughter-in-law, whom the OP has met maybe three times, is casting the "gimme" net just a tad far out? Maybe if OP and cousin were very close friends, sure, but good grief! My standard shower gift is onesies. Lots and lots of plain white onesies, because my baby brother (now changing his own kids' diapers, how time flies!) could easily go through a dozen in a day. Budget is pretty much always around $25 unless it's a really close friend, because that's what MY budget can afford. If you shop right you can get a lot of onesies for $25! (I think my record is 10 6-packs that had been put on clearance for $2.50 a bag, down from $10, because the packages were ripped up. So I took them out of the packages, folded them nicely into a pretty box, and went merrily off to the shower - where I got in a viciously polite whispered argument with the host because I refused to play the "baby food tasting" game *retch*). Kiddo often outgrows them well before they wear out anyway. No one I know has done the "clothesline" although I do think it would be pretty cool to do a clothesline specifically to donate to the local women's shelter, and put that right on the invitation; I do find it very ironic that my lower-middle-class family ("you might be a redneck if...") thinks wishing wells are tacky. Diapers can be tricky, unless a specific type is noted on the registry, because of that whole cloth-vs-disposable thing. There are some verrrrry strong feelings on that subject! I do appreciate registries, both for weddings and baby showers, if I'm not very close to the recipient because it tells me what the recipients are interested in - I don't necessarily need to purchase something off the list, but if I see 20 Winnie the Pooh items on a baby shower list, that tells me that Mum is diggin' Pooh and might appreciate some mint-condition vintage Pooh books to read to her child or decorate a shelf in the nursery. It also does indicate to me what's NOT really welcome. For instance, if I see on the registry that everything the parents chose is either khaki, sage, and/or cream (such as at the last shower I attended), it's a pretty good bet that the parents are unlikely to be overly enthusiastic over primary colors or the old pink/blue routine.
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diane_nj 6b/7a
9 years ago
I agree, I think your gift will be lovely. "Jane" sounds jealous, and a bit petty (you are gracious to bring a gift when you stay at her house). Please don't let this person ruin your day, or giving you gift to your friend. If it would make it easier for you, take part of the gift to the shower, and send/take the rest to the mother-to-be in private. In any case, since you have been so close to Michelle, I don't see an issue at all, you don't have to explain yourselves or your gifts to anyone. Enjoy the party!
amylou321
9 years ago
I too, have a "jane" in the family. Several aactually. Just know that whatever you decide, she will probably feel negatively about it. She sounds kinda jealous. If you bring all the gifts at once, she will talk about how you spend too much and are just trying to show off. If you only bring one small one, she will probably say that you should have gotten her something bigger since apparently she thinks your rolling in dough. (whether you are or not is really irrelevant)
In my case, i am the youngest of six adult children(ill be 30 in a few months). I am the only one who is unmarried, and have no children(unless you count the four legged furry kind) :) No matter WHAT i do, my older siblings always feel it necessary to comment on how i waste my money, im not good with money, i have no budget, im irresponsible with money, etc. None of which is true. I make a good enough living to support myself and have a little extra for fun and savings. I live very much below my means, although comfortable. I drive the same car i bought (all by myself thank you very much) at age 18. However, some people are just naturally negative nancys. I learned a long time ago to do whatwever the heck i want, especially when it comes to my hard earned cash. You should do the same.

P.S. I am sure that the soon to be mommy will very much appreciate everything you got for her. Baby showers are not thrown to celebrate a pregnancy, not really anyway.If they were, they would not require gifts would they? They are to help new parents with some of the things they need for baby.I would put everything in one giant box and wrap it, therefore making it "one" gift. Your "michelle" is the only one you should think about now. Jane's opinions should be kept to herself or ignored.
iris_gal
9 years ago
First time at this forum.

I agree Jane may choose to criticize whatever you do.

I applaud you for #1 --- the other guests' feelings. Usually the card is read before the gift is opened. If that is still done you could include wording ie. for our adopted treasured sister ..................
jewelisfabulous
9 years ago
Update? How did the shower go? Did Jealous Jane say anything about your generosity?

Help! Baby Shower Gift etiquette?

Comments (6)

nancylouise5me

gellchom

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