Vroomp, I really enjoyed that! Especially the part about being willing to be indispensible one minute and an embarassment the next! Those are the truest descriptive words ever written about being a parent. I spent my Mother's Day morning working on my community garden plot, and the afternoon and evening helping a friend create a small rose garden in memory of her mother who passed away this past winter. I took over to her house a couple of young roses from rooted cuttings from my yard, and we found the perfect places to plant them, and then dug nice homes for them together. She cooked a wonderful dinner for us and we enjoyed reminiscing about her mother and just spending a quiet evening. Before I left she gave me cuttings from a jasmine vine with a heavenly scent, and we planned to make other plant and tool trades. One of my sons called mid-day, just catching me in a few minutes when I was indoors, and the other had called last Sunday, thinking it was Mother's Day then. All in all I'd have to say it was one of the better Mother's Days I've had.

You have to have a schedule and you have to adhere to it as best you're able. Sounds really draconian, but it isn't. It's the schedule that will keep an elderly person on course (esp. if they are losing mental capability), allow you to accomplish that which you must do, AND schedule help/respite. Help/respite. You must have this. Trust me on this. I have had Mum with me for nearly 3 years now. For fully 2 of them I did it alone. After her stroke I knew she was no longer able to bathe alone. I hired a woman to come in thrice weekly and assist her. Smartest thing I've done in a long time! I don't have to do it, it accords Mum some privacy, and she has another person with whom to interact. I calmly told my brother he had to step up to the plate and do some caregiving, too. It wasn't fair that I gave up my former life and he had to give up nothing. He now takes her for a month at a time; usually every 2-3 months. I'm OK with that arrangement; but know if he scheduled a "bath lady" it would be easier for him to take her more frequently. Try to incorporate them into your daily errands. I pack Mum into the car (along with the dog) and she "rides shotgun". She is perfectly happy to go for a ride, wait in the car in the sunshine while I dash into one place or another... sometimes she wants to go in, too... so I usually allot enough time. If I haven't, I simply say, "No" and explain why. I will grab her a "treat" if she must wait in the car. I make sure we get out to do something "fun" at the next opportunity. It takes practice to venture out with an elderly, infirm person. You will learn the places that easy to access, have comfortable bathrooms, have help that is willing to move slowly and patiently with the elderly. Mum goes every month for a shampoo/haircut/manicure. The woman is a delight; warm, patient, and gives Mum her undivided attention. We are "regulars" at several establishments BECAUSE they are willing to make time for a slow, old woman. It's hard work; not always fun. I miss my freedom terribly, if you want to know the truth. But I can do this and feel it is important for me to do it. She ain't gonna live forever, afterall. (Hi Connie!)

I picked DS up at rehab 2 days ago. He had a rough time which pleases me. The rehab was very regimented. Every second accounted for and one session or lecture every hour. There were many court mandated, formerly incarcerated, heroin addicts in the rehab. They were a tough group. A few were going through the motions because they had to for the courts. DS saw and lived in a whole new frightening world. He says he took it very seriously and never wants to be in that position again. He is aware that his problem is no different than that of his fellow patients. Just the addiction is a different substance and he is not facing jail. So now he is back with his really lovely girl friend. But she has no more tolerance and she is fully capable to be on her own. He knows that. His job is up in the air. He doesn't know if they will take him back, but he will wait until he has all his out patient commitments lined up before he contacts his boss. His drivers license is suspended until he pays a fine which he can't pay because he is broke. There is public transportation in his town and the outpatient facility is 1/2 mile away. So DH and I are not frantic this week. We are realistic and hopeful. Maybe this time. Thank you for all your support and giving me a place to scream. Laura

Decades ago, I took my first brand new car for an oil change. When they returned the car, I noticed that there was no sticker that they usually place on the windshield. I even asked the service person about it before driving off and he assured me that the oil change has been completed. Within 500 yards, all the lights came on and the car died immediately and completely. I was on a single lane road with cars behind me, but I fortunately was able to pull over before getting rear-ended. I had to walk back to the service station to report this. They realized and even told me that they had drained the oil, but gave me the car without putTing any new oil. But of course, they wouldn’t admit liability immediately without talking to their liability insurance carrier. It took them over two weeks to admit liability and another month for us to resolve our differences on the damages. Also decades ago, our mortgage company held taxes and insurance in escrow (because we were in our 20s and first time home buyers). But we received a tax lien and a seizure notice from the city because the mortgage company didn’t pay the taxes. I mention these two incidents because I remember the rage, anxiety and sleeplessness I felt until things were fixed. And the party at fault in each instance was not even people, but faceless corporations. And the amount of the loss was not something we could have weathered, especially with the house. In your case, the party at fault are people, not businesses. And you’ll be seeing them even if you’re not on speaking terms. And you can weather the loss, though it’s unjust. Again, I say all this not in a moralistic way, but because the anger these things produce will only hurt you. Hugs.