I'm sorry to hear this, sue. My daughter left Hampshire in October, on a medical leave. I won't go into details here, but it has been rough. I'm hoping for the best for you and your family. I strongly recommend getting a family therapist or someone "neutral" who can help you and your son negotiate the weeks and months to come. All my best to you!

Oh sueb20, I'm so sorry. We went through this 5 years ago with our ADD son, and I know how painful it is. Please remember your son is probably hurting more than you are and might be hiding his feelings. Our son comes off as being able to take problems in stride, yet I caught him sobbing in a far away corner one night shortly after the expulsion. He kept saying, "I'm so embarrassed." I could almost forgive him for blowing the tuition $$$$ because he was so utterly miserable.

After the shock wore off & and some false starts at part-time jobs, our son enrolled in the local community college the next fall, taking a reduced load and an easier course of study for him (business, marketing). He's had some slip ups, but he's had some successes too. The slip ups made us thankful for the cheap tuition, and the school has a liberal do-over policy so his GPA didn't take too much of a hit. The successes helped a lot to rebuild his confidence & to hone his interests. It's taken 4 years to get his Associates Degree, and in the mean time, he's matured a lot. Maturity is half the battle in dealing with these learning disabilities. He's hoping to find work instead of jumping into a 4 year school for the B.A. degree, and that's fine with us as life skills are more useful for him than academics at this point.

Anyway, didn't mean to hijack the topic towards my DS, but just wanted to show that 1) your son is not alone, 2) some kids take longer to get on their adult feet, & 3) community colleges are great places for shaky kids like ours who are still growing emotionally & mentally.

Re anxiety, being out of the academic pressure cooker may help a lot. But ADHD kids can be prone to anxiety. Therapy & temporary medication are totally worth it. Our oldest son has an autism spectrum disorder & completely discombobulated at college when his social anxieties morphed into social phobia & generalized anxiety disorder. A year of therapy & medication helped loads, even if just to give him some relief from the constant upset.

These kids need loads of support & understanding. Your plans not to push at this point & to let him to find his footing with fun classes of interest is sound. He needs to recover & regroup.

Also wanted to add that this is a good time to give his life skills more practice. Let him do grocery shopping, errands, house cleaning, chauffeuring, laundry, yard work, snow shoveling, scheduling his own doctor appointments, maybe even some bill paying -- all the daily things adults have to do to function in life. Now he can see more of what's involved.

I'm sorry to hear this, but I do disagree with the not needing him to do anything at first. I think that is doing him a disservice as he gets older he may loose a job and not have mom/dad to fall back on - unless you plan on keep doing just that. I think you need to treat him like an adult in certain respects and require something of him and not coddle him. That's not to say you shouldn't help him out, but do put certain requirements on him that will prepare him to become a responsible adult.

I do think you need to give him some options and I do think he needs to get a job and pay rent just like any grown up would do if you are not in school.

I quit when I was young and my mom wasn't just going to let me go around and drift and live the good life on her dime. She basically told me she was fine with me quitting if that is what I wanted, but that this is where adult life started so then I would need to get a job and pay rent (not huge, but enough to cover a good chunck of my money as real life would, but low enough that it was more attractive to live at home than move out). Also didn't get spending money from her, but she did cover groceries and I didn't have to cook even though I didn't mind and I often helped out with much younger sister. I didn't really know what I wanted to do, but knew I was in the wrong program. I'm now an engineer as I went back once I figured out using community college classes what I wanted to do.

She did say if I took classes and worked part time amounts and my financial responsibilities would change based on that, but if I was going to live at home I needed to do something productive full time. I wasn't just allowed to hang around and do nothing. Of course if I had decided to not live at home then I would obviously have to pay even more rent etc. so the choice was easy.

I'm very thankful for that life preparation as it really made me grow up and realize what a responsible adult needed to do. I got a job and I worked there for several years, until I got another one and switched. However, I'm guessing if I had lost my job as in getting fired she wouldn't have relaxed on the rent part on me either, but still expected me to pay it just like in real life you have to. Of course I doubt she would have evicted me, but I'm guessing she would have lent me the money and made me pay it back sort of.

That is something she often did with us kids so that we'd learn what lending/credit cards were about.

roselvr, I know two families very well that own very nice mechanic businesses. They are VERY successful money-wise. I'm sure it is gross at times, but so is cutting and pulling out people's innards, i.e. doctor's. LOL! Believe me, nothing against doctor's, I have very good friend's whose husbands are doctors, just not everyone is cut-out to be educated to the nth degree. These are just examples. Off-topic, but wanted to expand my post a little.

Gawd knows I haven't coddled any of my kids but when I hear anxiety and ADD, I also think depression. They seem to go hand in hand. Structure is very important as well as staying busy - even when one doesn't feel like doing anything... but the side effect of anxiety, depression and ADD can be terminal. He needs to get medically stable. (I wish you were close to me. I know the best Psychiatrist!!)

Putting tons of pressure on him right now can be like putting a bullet to his head. I'll bet he isn't sleeping well and has almost no ability to focus. He must get his medical situation under control first. A plan is important for when he is feeling better. He needs something to look forward to.

Just my opinion and I may be off base but it's not as simple as making a bunch of rules right now. He'll get on his feet but getting him stabilized and some good medication that works well is going to take a little time.

I'd try and get him to join a gym or participate in team sports, etc. and maybe volunteer for awhile. It may benefit him to get outside of himself so he doesn't spend too much time hyper focusing on himself. My child volunteered for Special Olympics and it was a wonderful experience.

goldust - I agree that any medical issues needs to be dealt with too, but also being busy is something that often helps to not dwell on things.

The other thing is trying to use this to teach the teen to be an adult and how they need to act when they are older and doesn't have mom/dad to lean on in the same way. We can't be around forever unfortunately. Layoffs are such a common thing nowadays even for those with great performing workers so it is likely a similar situation could present itself as an adult so teaching your children how to handle things when they are young would hopefully help them to come up with a plan themselves as an adult. Especially since the ADD will not go away.

However, only Sue knows what will work with her son, but I don't think just letting the person dwell on it and do nothing to try to help empower themselves will help. I know my best friend who is ADD said this after she got laid off that she wishes she had some help then to come up with a plan and something to focus on instead of just being allowed to drift for a few weeks as that is what her husband thought she needed.

Sorry to hear that your DS is having issues and must leave school early. I agree with some of the advice you've gotten, and strongly disagree with some as well. So as to not turn this into a hot topics, I will simply wish you the best in working toward helping your son sort things out so that he can adjust to adult life and prepare for a good job in the current economy.

I really appreciate all of the advice, even the stuff that I know won't work with my particular kid! Golddust, I can tell you have dealt with some kind of similar situation. The issues my son has are nothing new, and as I think I said, he has been under the care of a therapist and/or psychiatrist for many years, and taking medication. We knew he might not make it through college in the traditional way, of course, but he was so adamant that he wanted it, and the real trick here is that he is so brilliant and articulate, seriously, you think, okay, maybe he can do anything!

I do believe that, right away, "tough love" is not going to work. DS is depressed, stressed, exhausted, and he has been vomiting almost every day for about a month. He is sad and feels guilty. So he needs to come home and yes, do nothing for a while. And when I say nothing, I don't mean that he won't be helping around the house and being a fully participating member of the family. I just mean that I am not going to push him to get a job right now. But we will be working together with him to get him stable and doing something productive ASAP. Whether ASAP means in a month or six months, I have no idea.

I have drawn up a tentative "plan" for him which we will discuss this weekend. I'm not going to do everything for him, but I know he needs to sit down with us and talk about what's next. So I have goals (which obviously he will have input on) for him from now until May, then May-August, and then Sept... which is the big question mark. But I think between now and May, we will figure out what the plan for Sept. will be. I will be expecting him to look into various options himself, make phone calls and/or visits himself, etc.

He does not have a driver's license -- that is one of the first things on his to-do list!

Gold, I already was thinking I'd push him toward volunteering either at our town's media center/local cable channel -- which he has done before -- or at an animal shelter, because he loves animals.

It has been interesting to see such opposing viewpoints. I know everyone has different approaches, and if this were my #2 DS, the tough love thing would be entirely appropriate. But, not in this case, not right now.

Thank you to everyone who shared their own experiences. That was what I needed to hear! I don't know a soul who has been through this before.

Someone mentioned expulsion. Just had to point out that he is leaving voluntarily. He wasn't kicked out. And I have to give Hampshire credit, the woman in the academic office has been very nice and basically told us, and DS, that the door is open if he should decide to return later. He also had a very good talk with his advisor today that seemed to make him feel better.

Finally, idee -- I have a hard time believing that everyone working in the film industry has a traditional 4-year degree. I am sure there is more than one route to a career in film.

"Someone mentioned expulsion."

Sorry to use the wrong word re your son, sueb20. Hope I didn't upset you. (And I wish to make clear that my well-behaved son was expelled for academic reasons only.)

Sue He does not have a driver's license -- that is one of the first things on his to-do list!

I'm in NJ where it's costly for a kid to drive. When my son got his license/car; insurance was about $2,000 a year which went up with tickets. My son had money saved as well as a job, so he paid it all himself. My daughter OTOH doesn't save much & doesn't work so she does not have a license nor permit & won't have one until she at least shows me she's responsible & can pay for gas.

I don't know if using the license as leverage would work for you & your son but thought I'd throw it out there.

I was not advocating tough love if that is how you read it - I'm not the best at expressing myself, but it appears my post could be taken as that and I think I was the only one that didn't think letting him just do nothing was a good idea.

What I was hoping to get across is that you figure out something so that he won't just hang around and not have any goals/aim etc. as that doesn't help him become a responsible adult and could further depression. I was telling you what my mom did with me and that wouldn't necessarily work with everybody, but it was more to share my story.

You need to figure out what to do that will help your son become an adult so he can handle a situation like this when he won't have mom/dad to come back to. It will likely be harder for him to do with ADD is my guess so helping him develop these tools so he can handle things in the future and be part of the solution/problem now and not just coddling him. BTW with coddling I mean doing everything for him.

I think having him be involved in some activity such as volunteering sounds like a good thing which would mean he isn't just hanging around and drifting as then it is really easy to loose focus and to keep from being depressed. However, is your son receptive enough so you could talk to him so he can help come up with some ideas/solutions himself? Again to help him and empower him to handle difficult situations himself.

I have no idea how to do these things for your son as I don't know him, but I guess I was trying to say that I think that is where you need to focus.

I agree with you I think there are lots of ways to get into film and I don't think a degree in it necessarily paves the way either. Not even sure if it generates enough contacts as I thought a lot of it was in who knows who as well. At least that was my experience back in the 90's in Hollywood.

Who knows once he is older and feels he has a better handle on his ADD he may go back and get a degree and it may be in a different field completely than where his interests lie now. Or he may choose to go back in the fall. You never know and honestly does it matter as long as he is happy with his choices and able to care for himself if you weren't around?

Oh and back to the coddling as in doing everything for him - I don't mean chores etc. I mean like coming up with what goals he should have, getting him a new doctor etc., creating a plan for him.

Have an idea of goals, but try to figure out a way to get him involved in coming up with and setting those goals even if they don't mesh fully with your ideas and have him help come up with a plan on how to achieve those in whichever way works best for him.

Also involve him in the search for a top doctor. Even if you find a good one now - he may need to go through this process himself at some point and having been involved would likely help him if he ever faces that. I'm not sure how you can involve him etc. without affecting him, but see if you can figure out a way and it may mean involving him some in it later when things have calmed down some.

I just know my friend with ADD has gone through several life altering things and she hasn't been equipped to handle some of them so things got a lot worse before things got better. Some were before her diagnosis and made things really hard on her husband as well as he didn't know how to help. Since her diagnosis and learning and creating emergency plans to follow in case of something happening she is now doing really well. She is also very proon to depression as part of her ADD and she has a what she calls a "keep busy plan" that she developed with her Doctor for times when things are rough. She still has a tendency to draw back and fall into depression and not follow the plan, but her husband helps her get back on it and she says it is the best she can do for herself at those times. One of the things on there is schedule a day with friends and if she calls me and asks to do something I will find every possible way to go as I know she then needs it.

Sue, (((please))) take your boy to a *good* medical DR and get him on anti-depressants. The very first step is getting his spirit lifted, the rest will follow. It shouldn't take more than a month or possibly two, for you to see improvement. With all the hustle and bustle in our lives, many people suffer a chemical imbalance(you don't *have* to feel depressed), and don't even know it. A lack of focus, or even aches and pains, can be a symptom of depression~~everyone is different. Life is too short not to be happy and live it to the fullest. And yes, being around people is definitely better than being alone too much of the time. You sound like a wonderful, caring Mother~~God bless you and your boy. ;o)

He is on anti-depressants. He has been taking the same stuff for years, which is one reason why I want a new dr. and new eyes/ears.

He comes home tomorrow. Wish me luck -- and strength! I have such a knot in my shoulders... I'll be needing my own medication before long! Seriously, I alternate between feeling understanding/sympathetic and feeling so p---ed off I want to scream. DH works long days but I work part time from home, so this homecoming affects my daily life much more than his. And as I have mentioned, DS is a little hard to live with. He is a nice kid, honestly, very sincere and earnest and interesting to talk to. And he can be helpful. His intensity just changes the whole dynamic in our home. The next few weeks will be interesting...

good luck...... can relate to the add struggles and intensity!! can be very hard to live with! our oldest has (surprisingly)stayed in school and seems to be maturing as the years go by!...his maturation is a big part of his increasing success i think!
i know that there are certain colleges that are set up as a less traditional school and 'cater' to kids with add and learning differences...i heard ads on the radio for a school in vt this winter which made me think of my oldest and wondered if it would have been a good fit for him...

I have been/will be following this thread as I have both taught freshman and lived through the experiences of our kids' and their friends' experiences. In the cases of both students and offspring, I've sometimes had to fight an urge to protect them too much. I'm wishing you all the strength and energy you will need to know the right balance. I have a hunch I would really like your son if I knew him. He sounds like an intelligent and sensitive kid, and you sound like a great mom with a great family. All the best.

Sue, My adhd girl goes away to college next year and I am extremely worried about her ability to cope.

I find that a sense of humor REALLY helps to tone down the drama. My daughter inherently knows that her way of doing things can be counter productive but really bristles if we try to correct her. If we comment in a joking way, she tends to get a sheepish smile and then goes about the task.

I have to constantly remind myself that she is not doing things to willfully defy us and she really can't control her Rube Goldberg way of thinking.

Do a little meditation or deep breathing if you have the time. Wine helps too! Things will work out. (())

oh kitchen, you just brought tears to my eyes. Thank you so much. We are doing the best we can, I guess. We have had a lot of friends, teachers, and therapists tell us he is lucky to have parents like us, which is always good to hear (or maybe they say that to all parents of 'difficult' children to make them feel better, LOL). At least DH and I both have a sense of humor... it helps. And we are both pretty calm and practical, which I know DS needs! (Okay, funny, I just wrote the sense of humor comment BEFORE I saw deee's post.)

Had to include this -- a friend sent me this link.

Here is a link that might be useful: drop outs

I wish you strength, peace and sanity as you transition into having your DS home again. It is an adjustment when your college student does come home on breaks and over the summers, so I can't imagine how it would be having my own DD come home for what may be at the least, a semi-permanent situation.

No matter how easy going, it is a difficult dance when my own DD comes home. Fortunately she has been very respectful of boundaries and limits, and actually will run her plans by DH & I before she takes off for a weekend at the beach. No, we really can't say no, as she is an adult, but we do appreciate that she is considerate when she won't be joining us for dinner or whatever.

May I ask about your DS' girlfriend that you mentioned in one of your previous posts. How did that relationship factor into this decline in your DS' medical situation, if at all? Did that relationship end, and if so, did that play any part in the decline and increase in the stomach issues your DS is suffering?

I do think that when it comes to our college-aged kids, every relationship they make while away at school, impacts their college experience whether it be new friends, roomates, SO, professors, advisors, or any new relationship. Just curious how the new relationships at your DS' school affected his issues, since it seems he started school with many health issues.

Best of luck to you and your entire family in this journey.

Sue, I understand the feeling of the alternating emotions. I haven't gone into many details here, but there are several members of my family who have the diagnosis of ADD and ADD/OCD together. Interesting that the two are not uncommon to see together.

I find it helpful during those times I want to scream, to remember that this is a medical problem and not a moral one. In other words, your DS wasn't successful because he was lazy etc, he was unsuccessful because he doesn't have the executive functioning skills to be successful in an independant setting, especially one where there are immense distractions. He may never be able to be successful in such a setting, and yet may be very successful in a setting which is more structured for him.

I once went to a conferance by an expert on ADD who said that kids with this diagnosis also have a developmental delay, and he said it was about 6 years! And he said "think about sending a 12 year old off to college." At that same conferance I heard a very successful CEO who had struggled with ADD say that the most important position in his company was that of his personal secretary because that person served to supply the organization, time management skills that he didn't have. And then the expert commented that that was not unusual, that adults with ADD often have organized spouses, secretaries etc that help them succeed.

Your DS doesn't have a secretary or a spouse yet, but he does have a mom who can help shore up the time managment and executive functioning deficits, all the while helping him learn these for himself as much as possible.

I think your approach as you outlined in your post yesterday is very good.
I agree, have your DS come home, let him get rested with good sleep habits, get some good healthy food into him, give him hugs, let him know that out of every failure comes important knowlege and that we ALL fail, it's the getting up and trying again that separates the successful from the unsuccessful, get him re-evaluated medically to your satisfaction, and then proceed to a Plan B.

I read a book about ADD once which said that if you are a parent of a child with ADD, throw away the expectation that college will take 4 years. Two years of community college for your DS living at home where you can tell him to turn off facebook etc, because now it is study time, may let him jump to a 4 year college afterwards. Or maybe not, you have to gauge how he is doing.

But don't ever give up on him. From what you say he is smart with gifts to give the world. But as you well know, he isn't the typical kid with balanced neurotransmitters, That doesn't mean to coddle him, but it does mean that it may take longer for him to get where you want him to be,

These kids take so much knowlege and skill to parent well, it is like they need moms with PhDs in mothering. Consider yourself a professional mom who has been given the tough job only given to the best and top of the mothering field.

And yes, teach that boy to cook. When kids learn skills, they gain competency which is a good feeling. Cooking can also be very creative, which might be up your DS's ally. And insist he clean up afterwards!

Good luck tomorrow!

"I once went to a conference by an expert on ADD who said that kids with this diagnosis also have a developmental delay, and he said it was about 6 years! And he said "think about sending a 12 year old off to college."

Absolutely true, barb5. You brought up many good points, especially explaining about weak executive functioning skills. Thanks.

Sending all the online support I can muster, sueb20. Please remember your son is probably giving himself a mental beating for failing & letting his parents down. He needs the haven of home right now.

Hope you have a fruitful debriefing to try to find specifically what went wrong: couldn't do the readings, couldn't write papers on time, social life too distracting, poor sleep schedule, couldn't make friends -- who knows. And I hope you both find out that were some successes to build on in the future too.

My ADD son did fine until mid-semester, then got overwhelmed & he shut down. Does your son go into shut down mode too when he starts to stumble?

"I have a hard time believing that everyone working in the film industry has a traditional 4-year degree. I am sure there is more than one route to a career in film. "

No they don't. But people who don't have a BFA have a lot of hustle and drive. Getting even a PA job means networking, being very resourceful and tenacious. ADHD is actually a plus for most people who work in the business because they're good at multitasking and turning on a dime (trust me, I have ADD and a 20 year career in film/TV.) He might not need the degree but he needs the life skills x10.

I'm not advocating tough love by any stretch. I also think that it's very easy for a family to rejoice at having an extra pair of hands--when my son lived at home and went to CC, I found lots of chores for him, which he got out of by getting a job.

awm03 - My daughter has the inattentive type of ADHD and tunes out when she starts to feel overwhelmed. We call it going to lala land. In fact, she'll come home from school and try go to sleep.

I read that when non ADHD people feel overwhelmed that the part of the brain that kicks things in to overdrive lights up. In ADHD people, the sleep/relax part of the brain lights up.

Hope I didn't mangle the science too much but it makes sense to me.

Just wanted to say thanks again. I spoke to the secretary of a doctor today who sounded great, came highly recommended by a couple of people, so we are on the right track there, I think. Also, this is almost too good to be true (and obviously doesn't mean anything will necessarily come of it), but had to share: I half-kiddingly asked an old friend of mine who is a designer if he happened to know anyone working in film in our area. Next thing I knew, he was emailing a good friend of his who does, indeed, work in film in our area, and she is sending DS an application to apply for a PA job. Again, I am not getting my hopes up, and I'm not even mentioning it to DS yet, but who knows. If nothing else, DS might be able to have coffee with her sometime and pick her brain.

There are also several interesting classes geared to his interests being offered by a couple of local centers for adult education starting in 2-3 weeks, so I will see if he is interested in any of them. I think that would be a nice opportunity for him to continue learning and do something constructive, in a low-pressure environment with no homework, grades, etc.

I am going to bed early tonight! I need to rest up!

Yes, you do need to rest up and it sounds like you have developed a solid Plan B, no matter how tentative it is.

I hope the film stint/classes works out. Wishing you all the very best!! I hope you keep us posted as to how it's all going. You have at least one worry wart contributing to this thread.

Oops, forgot to answer a couple of questions.

Yes, I think the girlfriend thing played a part in many aspects. First, I think she was probably the reason he didn't fall apart during the first semester. I suspect he used her almost as a therapist, and she was supportive, and I suspect that she also helped him to stay organized. She was a serious, organized student and she loved him to pieces -- until the end of the semester when they broke up! There was some upheaval in early Januaru due to the breakup, but he SEEMED to get over it and move on. I'm sure it must have been one of the contributing factors in his current situation, though.

And yes, absolutely, he shuts down when overwhelmed. Usually by going to bed! Um, not too productive.

Within the past 24 hours, one of my good friend's mother passed away, and another good friend was diagnosed with cancer. Kinda puts my problems in perspective.

((((Sue)))) You are so right!

Whenever things in my life feel overwhelming and I feel sorry for myself, I make a gratitude list. This practice has changed my life.

Just a quick note (mostly for my friend goldie, LOL) that DS is home and is okay. I expected more sadness or something, but he has been very calm so far and almost cheerful. I think the past two months were the hard part, and coming home, comparably, was the easy part. Once he made his decision, he started to feel better. He does look like he's lost some weight, but I'm sure he'll gain it back ASAP. Anyway, one of his best friends picked him up about an hour after he got home yesterday, took him to another friend's house where a small group of them hung out for a few hours. I think that was important for him, to see that his friends are supportive, etc., and to just reconnect. a couple of these friends just happen to be home for spring break, though, so they'll be gone again before long. He does have a couple of friends who live around here and commute to school, so they will be around, and he also has a couple of friends who are still seniors in high school, so for at least a few more months, they'll be around too. We still haven't had a Big Talk yet, but will at least start the talking today...

Sue,

First I want to say how lucky your son is to have you and your husband in his corner. Just because a child turns 18 doesn't mean he's necessarily ready for the world, and you obviously know and recognize this about your son.

I remember the photo you posted when he graduated last year and how proud you were/are of him, so I know this can't be easy. My daughter went to a year of college and unfortunately decided it wasn't for her, but that doesn't mean she didn't mature into a beautiful woman with a productive career. Did I want better for her> Of course, I know she's not reached her full potential. However, when she was making this decision, I advised her of my thoughts and respected her feelings about it even though there were differences.

I think there is a fine line between making decisions for our adult children and being there as a mentor to help them through the process. If nothing else he needs to learn how to make good decisions and you can guide him through that, just don't treat him like a child with contracts and authority because I honestly believe it sends the wrong message. I agree you should treat him like the young adult that he is, not coddle him but allow him the opportunity to find his way.

Just wondering how your DS is doing...

golddust, thanks for asking... he is fine! He actually just returned from a weekend visiting his old friends at school. I thought it might be too hard or weird for him, but he really missed everyone and he had a lot of fun. I think he felt a little sad leaving (again) though. He was quiet when he came home last night. Also, all of his friends at home have gone back to school now, so his social life here is pretty nonexistent.

Anyway, let's see if I can make a long story short. In Sept., he will be attending a local school (part of Boston Univ.) that has a Certificate program in filmmaking. It seems to be perfect for him. He will live at home and attend class full time for a year and will "graduate" with a certificate. He could then stay on at the same school and get a further, more specialized certificate in post-production/editing, or... who knows. I now know NOT to plan too far ahead! The school seems to have a good career counseling office, so maybe he'll go to work right after. Meanwhile, he is taking two classes that start soon at a local community/adult ed school -- a photography class and a screenwriting class. Just for fun and to structure his time a bit until he starts working in May.

He also completed the classroom hours for driver's ed and is taking the permit test this week.

We met with a doctor and had a very interesting meeting. Again, making a long story short, we had testing done a few years ago for his entrance into high school and we dropped the ball (as did the therapist who should have interpreted the scores for us) and never really analyzed them, but his verbal IQ is in the gifted range (99th percentile) and his processing speed index is in the 5th percentile. So he is obviously very smart but there is a real reason why he can't deliver on things like homework! This doc says DS does not have ADD but has an unusual syndrome called Asynchronous Cortical Syndrome. The low processing speed can look like laziness but is more like avoidance because tasks are so overwhelming, which leads to fear of trying, procrastination, etc... which is SO much like DS. Anyway, we are in the process of finding him some help at a local place that does all kinds of tutoring/coaching in the areas where he needs help.

We have also been spending time talking with DS about all of this, and for the first time he seems more open to getting help -- if we had tried to get him this kind of organizational help in high school (it was in fact offered at his HS and college) he would have resisted. So that is s step in the right direction, I think...

Emotionally, he has been more settled and if not exactly happy, not depressed either. I think he is mostly bored! One of his classes starts this week, and he is also beginning a volunteer job, editing a local guy's (amateur) documentary, so that will be good for keeping busy as well as something to put on his resume.

Finally, he has always taken interesting photos but never had a good camera (he has always had a video camera but the photos from that weren't great). We got him a nice digital SLR camera for his birthday (which he needs for the class he's taking later this month) and he has been taking trips into Boston to take pics, and some of them are really great. He has been enjoying it and it's been nice for us to have something to praise him about (which the doc says is extra important for him). I ordered a couple in 8x10 to frame. I would love to encourage him to try to sell them somewhere, but I don't know how to really do that. Might be something to look into at some point.

Anyway, thanks for checking in! It has not been as bad as I expected -- yes, figuring stuff out for him has been like a new part-time job for me, but I was already used to that. The few months he was at college was just a little sabbatical! :)

This is wonderful, positive news! (And I really needed to hear some, too.)

I've been following your situation but haven't posted because I simply had no advice. It's wonderful that things are going so well for your son now, and the future looks even better.

Maybe etsy would be something to check out for your son's photos?

Here is a link that might be useful: photography on etsy

rockmanor, I thought about etsy too. I will suggest that he look into that. He's always looking for opportunities to make money!

I don't know anything really about photography, and he doesn't have any real education in it yet, but here are a few of his pics that I like:

This one just made me laugh. Our dog is on the left. The lion is not ours. ;)

Love the photography and the great news. I think we, as families, can deal with most anything-as long as we know what the heck we're dealing with. I am so glad you have a proper diagnosis.

Thanks so much for taking a minute to update everyone. He's going to be just fine.

I just googled asynchronous cortical syndrome, and can't find a thing. Would you mind explaining a bit what it is, sueb20, and how it differs from having ADD + weak executive functioning skills? Thanks!

Also, so glad to hear your son has some interesting courses to take and a plan for next fall. I hope he really enjoys the work & finds his footing.

Awm, if you drop the Syndrome, you may have more luck googling it. It's just as Sue described.

Here is a link that might be useful: Blurp from Harvard on ACS.

Thanks golddust.

Well, that's curious. I see results for lab experiments on mice & monkeys, and theories resulting from the experiments. But nothing that says it's passed from lab experiment stage to statistics attributable to humans, and nothing that makes it a clear cut diagnosable syndrome in people. Not to start an argument with anybody -- my "research" is only a Google search, afterall -- hardly in depth. But I think it's odd that there's no information on the net more readily available & in layman's terms for parents whose children may be afflicted with this.

Anyway, will keep my eyes & ears (& mind) open for more info that may come along in the future. I've got two with cognitive issues and am always interested in new developments.

I couldn't find anything online either, but that doesn't mean it doesn't exist. As it was explained to us, it is very unusual. And really, it doesn't matter what you call it. If you try looking up some phrasing such as "gifted verbal IQ and low processing speed" you may find some discussions but I have not found anything describing situations where the discrepancy was as large as my DS'. For the record, the doc we saw was no quack. He came highly recommended from several sources, and has been practicing for 35 years. He is semi retired but does consulting work with families.

Also, the recommended treatment is the same as for ADD -- stimulants such as Adderall, which he is already taking, but at a low dose, which may have to be increased.

Thanks, sueb20. That's very interesting. I hope more info will come to light in the future.

My son had similar test results, but his processing speed isn't as low. His "diagnosis" was Non-verbal Learning Disorder ... which seems to cover a wide range of things that don't fit into other more common diagnoses. Medications were never recommended in our case. Luckily he has an incredible memory, so he is able to do well on school tests, but he loses points on basic assignments that he avoids doing.

Regarding quack doctors ... one of the first docs we saw was a top, long term guy at Mass General. He was close to retiring. He met with my son for a whopping 10 minutes and wrote out a prescription for medication. I walked out of there and would have ripped up the prescription if my DH didn't stop me! From there we found the Hallowell Center where they did the extensive testing and suggested ways to help DS. As I said, no other doc has ever suggested medication. I'm very glad I didn't listen to that first "expert".

sueb20, I read through this out of curiosity. (Not a parent.) Your son is very blessed to have such loving parents willing to help him find his way till he blossoms.

I like his photography, especially the chain link fence. ;)

One of DS' many diagnoses when he was little was NVLD (this was round two, after the Aspergers diagnosis, which was also incorrect) -- but then later when he was attending a therapeutic school for many years, they "undiagnosed" him and for years, everyone believed he had a general anxiety disorder. We have seen MANY doctors over the years, and if my DS wasn't on medication he would not be able to function at ALL. I am really not interested in a debate over diagnoses or medications or doctors. I was just providing an update. What this most recent doctor did was confirm that we were already doing most of what we can for DS, explained the test results in a way that finally made sense for us, and provided some helpful info on what else we can do for him. DS's issues are the same as they have been, no matter what the "syndrome" is called.

moonshadow, thank you.

Sue,
I'm glad to hear your update, I was wondering how your son was doing. It sounds like you have things well in hand. I can't imagine how hard this has all been for all of you. Here's hoping for brighter days ahead!

Beth P.

Until I've walked a mile in your shoes, I am not going to judge. Sue, I am so happy to hear things are going well and you have found a Dr that you trust.

Sueb20, no debate was intended. My example was for others reading who might be just starting this process with their 4,5 or 6 year old. Only you (generic) know your child well. Because someone is an expert doesn't mean they have the correct diagnosis or treatment. If something doesn't feel right for your child then keep looking for the right Docs, counsellors, etc. You could see 10 docs and they will come up with some different diagnoses!

We held our son back in 1st grade, much to the disapproval of teachers and the principal. It was the best thing for him at the time. He is now back at his proper grade level and doing well.

Thank you for your updates. It makes me think ahead for when we have to make college choices. Luckily there are many good local schools, maybe living at home and commuting is something we should look at when the time comes. Wanting the best for our kids is something that never goes away.

"Because someone is an expert doesn't mean they have the correct diagnosis or treatment. If something doesn't feel right for your child then keep looking for the right Docs, counsellors, etc. You could see 10 docs and they will come up with some different diagnoses! "

So very true -- sounds like the voice of experience, chispa. My oldest is NLD/mild Aspie.

I wasn't trying to argue either, sueb20, apologies if my post seemed tactless. So much new stuff is coming out, that I always try to stay abreast of it. Plus, I'm a questioner by nature. Hope you'll write more as you learn from your doctor.

Sue, i'm so happy to read YOU and DS are doing much better. As for the professionals~~I sometimes believe if you had a child diagnosed by 10 different drs., psychologists, etc., you would get 10 different diagnosis.

My 19 year-old granson was diagnosed w/ADD at about age 5, but my *then* DIL didn't want him on meds, and I agreed with her decision. He had trouble keeping up with schoolwork but did graduate, and has now decided to go into the Marines. He's a very quiet and good 'boy'(no drugs/drinking problems!),but he definitely needs structure/focus and also setting/keeping goals. His father(my son), his Mom, grandfather, and myself, all agree it's the best thing for him and his future, but he will need to keep his focus, and learn to study. He has qualified for aircraft mechanics which will be valuable in finding work if he decides not to re-enlist. It seems to be mostly boys who have 'these' sort of problems. God luck, Sue. ;o)