Posted by monablair: "I hope this doesn't turn into an accusatory thread with lots of finger pointing, but I have to chime in on littledog's side (not that any of us should have to choose sides).
I don't find her opinions forceful, she's just saying what she'd do given the same situation."

Isn't that exactly what I was doing?? Huh?

I can almost count on that in every thread I post to that Aunt Jen pops up to directly call me out on the carpet directly by name for my opinions with name calling and trouble making. It seems to be a part time hobby for her. I pity people like that.
Fortunately I never fall for it and get sucked in to the trap by returning the volley with more name calling. I have more dignity. :smiles and take another sip of coffee: But it does get tiresome over and over and over and can ruin a whole thread for other people.

Sweeby has come across in her posting history as being quite level headed, worldly and open minded - not the demure sensitive type. She has countless posts on the Marriage Forum with a no holds barred, shoot from the hip, no nonsense style of writing. Her advice is harsh, and she doesn't mince words when dishing out advice on other people's marriages. I have found myself agreeing with her advice 99% of the time despite her abrasive way of wording it to those who are truly hurting. Click the link below to find posts where she offers advice to others who face possible cheating and distrust in their marriage. She doesn't tiptoe around when responding and spouts it like she sees it. And she has not come across in this thread as someone who can dish it out, but can't take it. Rather, she has individually addressed posters who offered varying opinions and politely acknowledged their viewpoints.

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Posted by marlene_2007: "Dilly, of course, it's just my opinion, but I thought your last post was as mean spirited as the BS phone call made to Sweeby."

I think you are insane. Planting the seed in these people's mind that I made that phone call?? Just nuts.

Here is a link that might be useful: Marriage Forum + Sweeby's Advice

I am not condoning sneaking around or extramarital affairs, but I really have a hard time believing it is mostly about the deceit:

If it is just about "the lie", how would we feel if our spouse wanted to throw us out of the house for saying we spent $1500 on a sofa, when we really spent $3000. Or serially snuck new purchases into the house and hid them for a while--and say "Oh I've HAD this for a WHILE" . Or withheld sex until dear partner agreed to remodel the kitchen. Those are all suggested lies that I have read in these forums that are advice given with a "wink, just kidding" but you know are really given as serious advice and are a modus operandi of many a person.

I am not condoning extramarital affairs. I am pointing out that they are only one way of undermining a relationship but it seems to be the one that *should *be the deal breaker. Not other lies, not substance abuse, not myriad other things...those are all supposed to be things with which the partner is "helped with" but the spouse who has sex with someone else should be immediately kicked to the curb, and if the other partner doesn't want to do that, they are considered "weak" by their critics.

Not what I said. Did not say that sex is more important than all the other aspects of a relationship that you cited. I think there are plenty of lies that would be possible deal breakers. I also question how wonderful a relationship is if someone feels the need or just chooses to lie about what they spend, what they buy, where they go, etc., etc. I don't feel I ever need to do that and I know DH doesn't either. Maybe we are just too "old school" for most people. Lying is a huge deal to me-with my DH, my DS and the rest of our family. I also tend to find my relationships with friends strained if I find I've been lied to about something. It is just so unnecessary. Also, there aren't too many of us smart enough to get away with lying for very long.

Whatever works for you in your marriage works for you. I personally would not consider multiple 15-minute sexual encounters to be a small thing even if we still laugh at each other's jokes and enjoy spending evenings together. We can do that without sharing a bed-which would stop for sure under those circumstances. There is a difference between not being "able to have sex for some reason" and going out to get some on the side. Those are just not comparable.

I can almost count on that in every thread I post to that Aunt Jen pops up to directly call me out on the carpet directly by name for my opinions with name calling and trouble making. It seems to be a part time hobby for her. I pity people like that.
Fortunately I never fall for it and get sucked in to the trap by returning the volley with more name calling. I have more dignity. :smiles and take another sip of coffee: But it does get tiresome over and over and over and can ruin a whole thread for other people.

Hmmm. Not seeing where I called you any names, Dilly. My statement was, "Dilly's comments are cruel and self-serving, and in no way help Sweeby in her situation." Names? Nope, not seeing any.

It's wonderful that you take the high road and don't engage in "returning volleys." Nicely demonstrated in what you said to Marlene: I think you are insane.

Pot -- Kettle.

Sweeby: OMG what a mean & cruel prank! some people has nothing better to do w/ their time.

Pal: I see what you meant. I know this couple who have been married for 30+ years, 9 kids. He worked as a fisherman and his job required him to be out at sea for an extended period of time. When he got to a foreign port, it's time to let the dog out. This for him is just a way to seek temporary relief, and it does not detract from his love for his wife. I think his wife is aware of this practice (done by every men on the boat) & she just basically ignored/accepted it. It's like having husbands on tour of duty. You hope/think that they would stay faithful while being away from you but truth be known, a good many of them do succumb to their humanly need.

OTOH, I have another friend who's going thru a divorce right now. Apparently, her dh had met up w/ an old female friend from his town when he went back to visit his family. They started to talk on phone, then meet up when he's on business travel. Then their (non-sexual) relationship became more intense, he felt this new girl is the right one for him, and he decided to leave my friend in order to be with this new girl. He maintained that, because he didn't have sexual relationship with this other girl, he never actually cheated. However, my friend considered it a betrayal, regardless of when/whether he had sex w/ the other girl.

Dilly, I don't know either you or anutjen, but I have noticed on other forums you seem to like running the show, and sometimes even going so far as having the last post, or getting the last word in. It's as though the only person's post or opinion you care about is your own. You seem to be a woman with very strong opinions, and although that isn't a 'bad thing', forum members become 'on-line friends', so why give those people a bad opinon of ourselves by being impolite? Or maybe since it *is* a stranger rudeness *should* be tolerated?

If i'm not mistaken, I had this same 'gripe' just last week on the home decorating forum, and thought you might have read it dilly, but maybe you thought it didn't pertain to you. I'm not advocating myself as the 'good fairy of the forums', but society as a whole has forgotten the definition of the word 'nice'. Can't we all just 'make nice' and 'play nice'?

No Patty, I must have missed the post you refer to. Can you link to it even though it does not pertain to me, just so I know what you are talking about.

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I am mystified how my saying that I would have handled the given situation differently is so "cruel".

I also brought up the fact that the "other woman" is not always the contriving manipulator that that everyone painted one to be. The other woman may not even know the guy is married when they are dating and planning their future together even talking about marriage. It happens all the time. I've seen it happen to friends and co-workers. It happened to me. Every woman in a situation like that is not a "Miss More" as so many would love to believe.

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Read it and think about it and read it and think about it and read it and think about it until you get it through your thick skull.

But you still don't take the hint. (Jeese! You must be really dense.)

Sounds to me like what you've got isn't a MARRIAGE, just a JOB. One with lousy pay and poor benefits.

Since Hubby won't "grow a pair", I'd suggest that you do it...

But in spite of your marriage license, THAT IS EXACTLY WHERE YOU ARE NOW. You've heard countless people say that a piece of paper doesn't change anything. Seems this time, it really hasn't.

You already know (to some extent) that your marriage is doomed,and that the 'man of your dreams' you occasionally see is mostly a creation of your own need and the rose-colored glasses you can occasionally keep on...

I did not use quotation marks in the above quips, even though these are quotes from Sweeby herself when giving her "Wake up and smell the coffee girl!" advice to to others about their marriages.

Sweeby certainly does not mince words and advises people to search spouse's hard drives, emails, phone records and even going so far as to hire a PI to trail a spouse suspected of cheating. She out and out tells people to leave their spouse when she is of the opinion. She has that Suze Orman style when letting advice fly, and the advice is almost always "right on". Nothing wrong with that. Why do so many posters here feel that Sweeby is going to be hurt and crushed if someone has a differing opinion on what she has posted here in this thread??? She certainly is no shrinking violet in her posting history and can engage in mature adult discourse.

I really don't think anything I said was out of line in this thread. And I don't understand why littledog was attacked for her post although for some strange reason not as harshly as me even though her post was a bit more hard hitting - actually A LOT more hard hitting.

Dilly, reread littledog's posts as well as yours.
It should be clear to you why people responded to you in the way they did.

And whatever sweeby posts on another forum has no bearing on this thread.

This forum is for casual conversation among friends.

The Marriage Forum is for hard hitting advice on marital situations... and tough love is often given and expected as a reality check.

You're right dilly, littledogs posts have all been fairly harsh, but the first post was basically giving her opinions of questions sweeby had already asked herself.

What bothered me was your *strong assumptions* coming across as fact(IMO), and that's w/o even knowing the man personally.

As far as sweeby's comments in the 'marriage' thread, she needs to re-read and concentrate on her own words, and maybe the problem will 'dissipate'.

We seem to be doing a lot of man bashing here, so let me ask, how many of YOU have been cheaters? Were you caught, and worked things out? Divorced? Never caught? Still cheating? Sometimes we're too quick to judge others, and if *you've* strayed, have no right to 'be on the panel~~just *my* 2 cents.

Just coming back to this thread because instead of continuing to participate in snarkfest, I felt like wishing everyone a nice weekend and Happy Easter (if you're celebrating). Life's too freakin' short to engage in petty arguments online. Besides, I'm on my way to Lowes to pick up an adorable retro glider (bright yellow!) and two matching chairs (soft green!) that are very similar to the shell-backed metal beauties my grandmother had on her porch for years and years. Can't believe I'm "reworking" my front porch already, after having painted my wicker chairs and table last year, but here I go. I feel like being happy today, and hope you all do too.
:-)

Comcast service outages always seem to happen at the worst possible times, but this one takes the cake!
I had just read Dilly's post and begun to formulate a response when the cable died. So it's been a very unpleasant 2 days, with no ability to even watch what's happened on this thread, much less respond.

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I can only imagine what prompted Dilly_Dally's very public 'display of concern'. My best guess is that (in addition to her own private reasons), her public rationale will be to 'expose hypocrisy'. Well, that hypocrisy is not what she exposed.

Even though this is not the Laundry forum, this seems to have become the time to air mine. Once upon a time, on a long-dead thread on another forum (marriage?), I shared a story from my past in an effort to help someone else determine whether she could / should continue in a relationship where there had been infidelity. (That little nugget appears to have been eagerly mined and hoarded for later throwing.) Of course, this is not the kind of information I normally share, and I had reservations about posting it. But I decided to share in the hopes that the experience of someone who 'had been there' and found happiness on the other side would help that poster reach the decision that was right for her, and trusting that my disclosure would be treated with the sensitivity and good will I've come to expect from my forum friends. That grace and kindness has been evident so many times (including on this thread), that my faith in my GW friends in general remains unshaken.

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Dilly wrote: "Taking him back, and going through with the marriage would be something I myself could never have done."

I have no trouble believing that.
And in fact, I did end the relationship when I found out. I threw him out (he had just moved in, prompting the jealous retaliation from his Ex.), cancelled the wedding and refused to even speak with him for a very long time. And I still believe that was the absolute right thing to do.

Why did I eventually take him back?
Because I analyzed all of the factors -- who he cheated with (his long-term ex.), the fact that our relationship was long-distance at that point, when in our relationship it happened (early), how distraught and remorseful he was -- but mostly, how I felt about everything.

I took a very close look at the previous year-and-change to figure out whether he had been fooling me, I had been fooling myself, or whether what I had experienced was in fact, real.
I came to realize that I had never been happier or more in love than I was with him. That even factoring in his mistakes, he was still the kindest, most considerate person I had ever met. And we had more fun just being together! I'm a person who enjoys being alone, and yet, everything was better shared with him. I concluded that my happiness had been very real, and that the man I [still] loved was fallible -- that his character could not be defined fairly by that one mistake, but rather, by the way he treated everyone around him, every day. And later, there was my mother's advice (this was, of course, when she delivered it) "Don't let your pride stand in the way of your happiness."

So eventually, I took him back. And with 20/20 hindsight, that has absolutely been one of the best decisions I ever made. For more than 15 years, I have been happier and am more in love than I had ever imagined possible for a long-term, 'real life' relationship. Time has proven him to be, day in and day out, still the kindest, most considerate person I have ever met. Many years later, everything is still so much more fun with him. And I have come to value my mother's advice and repeat it to others in similar positions, knowing sometimes it isn't easy to follow and that sometimes, you do get burned.

How can I trust him? I just do. And I've forgiven him - completely. He knows how badly he hurt me and how devastated he was when he lost me. But mostly, I know who he is, which is so much more than just what he did so many years ago. So I trust him. Absolutely. And because I've been able to do that, I've been able to be open my heart to him completely and enjoy a love that is deep and true and a marriage that nurtures. That much, I know is real. Ultimately, which is more foolish? -- Screwing up what really is good with suspicion, jealousy and emotional walls? Or remaining happy now and risk being blind-sided later?

Should everyone take back a spouse who has cheated? Without a doubt, no. You have to be able to forgive and to rebuild trust; without forgiveness, trust and charity, no marriage can really endure.

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Regarding Dilly's second post, comparing her question to Littledog and Mona's --

"Isn't that exactly what I was doing?? Huh? ...
I have more dignity. :smiles and take another sip of coffee: "
Allow me to disagree with you in the strongest possible terms -
on both counts.

Sweeby, I totally trust that you know what is best for your life. All your advice on the marriage forum only backs up my feeling.

You owe us nothing in terms of your explanation here. You are nobody's fool. That is pretty clear to me.

Sweeby, I totally trust that you know what is best for your life. All your sound advice on the marriage forum only backs up my feeling. (OK, I didn't read all of your advice...)

You owe us nothing in terms of your explanation here. You are nobody's fool. That is pretty clear to me.

sweeby: you alone can judge your DH's character. Everybody else is just operating upon hearsay.

My grandparents were married for 70+ years. Their love story is the stuff that novels were made off. Their marriage survived 3 wars, several of his imprisonments (political reasons), death of a child, and it survived his infidelity too. Once, after they already married, he came home and told her that he'd been having an affair with another woman and that woman is now pregnant with his child. My Grandma said, "you cannot let your child go alone in the world", so my GM went and brought the other woman to her house & took care of her. (Back then, being PG & w/o husband is a big deal). Later, the other woman had a miscarriage and left because she knew GP would never leave GM. So my grandparents went on being married 'til GM died, the incident was a blip in the past. In her way of thinking, everybody made mistake, it's how you learn from your mistake that matters. She never doubted, never questioned his whereabouts, and he never strayed again. I always thought, "how confident she's of his fidelity despite his infidelities". Grandma said, "what were meant to be yours will always be yours. If it isn't, why wasting your time chasing it".

There are, of course, serial cheaters, but I think you would know if your DH is one, or not.

sweeby, there's no need to explain/defend anything you've posted in the past..either on this Forum or any other.

You've posted on several of my threads and your advice has been sage. I've read some of your responses to questions on the Marriage Forum that have been posted by members that were headed down the path of destruction. You were right-on and tough, but sometimes you have to hit somebody over the head to get them to open their eyes.

As far as I'm concerned you used this board as a sounding board to get feelers about what people thought. You weighed the comments and decided your husband was being truthful. You know him; we don't. And if you're satisfied with your decision to believe him (and why shouldn't you?) why would we feel the need to second guess you?

You've handled yourself with class. I admire you for that.

M.

Some posters must be either yellow journalists or politicians. Talk about taking quotes out of context!

No, I'm no shrinking violet, and I do like a pithy turn of phrase.
But I also try not to throw hurtful information into the mix unless there's some benefit to the poster.
That's a key distinction.

So advice to check phone bills, credit cards and hire PIs would be given to a woman who strongly suspects her husband is cheating and may be planning to leave her. The suggestion that she "grow a pair" would be given to the woman who repeatedly complained that her husband would not confront a solveable problem. And the "You must really be dense" remark was used to explain the actions of a punitive husband cruelly rebuffing his wife's 'make nice' efforts.

(By the way, you mised one: "Of course it's your fault!" which was followed by "Because otherwise, it would be HIS fault")

Rather than either explaining or defending these bit by bit, I'll just second Dilly's suggestion to go ahead -- check them out, and judge for yourself if I was being cruel, kind, or somewhere in between. Some of those threads make good reading; others are just too darn depressing for words.

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Whatever. I'm back. I'm still standing.
And life's still complicated -- but good.

I know I shouldn't get into this, but having a glass of wine changes things. :)

First, I feel it's an invasion of privacy copying other people's posts from the other GW forums without their permission. I know the forums are public, but still...it's just not right. I had that happen to me years ago and It's really embarrassing even though I didn't say anything strange.

Patty cakes, would you please post a link to the "gripes" thread on the decorating forum? I'd like to read it and it's probably full of good advice. Because I know what it's like to do a topic and get it from all sides & just have it ruin my day.

But because of THIS topic, it put me in full mode paranoia yesterday! I've always trusted my husband even though he's an attorney and is around beautiful women all the time.

Except yesterday when he was leaving for work at 7am, I noticed he was holding his cell phone in his truck! Who the heck was he calling so early when he's not around me? All day long my mind went crazy. When he came home I casually asked him who he was calling while in the driveway. He said he was plugging his phone in to recharge it. LOL!!! I felt like such an idiot.

Patty, I do have to disagree about if we've "strayed" we have no right to "be on this panel." My dh and I have never strayed, but I have sinned in other areas of my life. So I do think I can add my 2 cents & give great advice from a learning experience. It would be like an EX-addict telling another addict how rotten they're living their lives & how they are hurting the people they love the most. In my book, it takes a sinner to counsel another sinner. Okay, Good Friday has gotten to me. lol

I do agree we need to stay on topic, it would save so much heartache.

AuntJen, you know I love ya, but telling someone their comments are cruel and self-serving IS name-calling. That's because you are conveying to everyone that Dilly is cruel and self-serving. Don't be mad. lol.

What I've noticed is if people disagree here they are sworn enemies forever and are never acknowledged in other topics unless it's a negative reply.

Peace.

AuntJen, you know I love ya, but telling someone their comments are cruel and self-serving IS name-calling. That's because you are conveying to everyone that Dilly is cruel and self-serving. Don't be mad. lol.

Hey lady - lay off the wine, will ya? ;-D
I respectfully disagree with you ... Saying something negative about someone's behavior or comments isn't calling them a name, IMO. I believe we can say and do cruel things from time to time without being cruel individuals deep down inside. I definitely differentiate between what someone says and does on occasion with who and what they truly are. And you oughta know, I have no qualms about saying, "Hey, you're an a$$clown" if it needs to be said. **grin**

Now. Go ahead and pass me some of that wine. It's been a very long day (and I can't put my new chairs and glider together by myself, and hubby won't help me til tomorrow - **pout**).

Jen, you're absolutely correct now that I think about it. I remember when my son was younger and he did something really stupid on a slip n slide, lol, and I said, "that was really stupid." (because it was dangerous) When he got a bit older he always remembered what I said and he brought it up. I told him I wasn't calling HIM stupid, but the stunt he pulled was stupid. Poor kid thought I had called him stupd for years! lol

I have been reading this thread but have stayed out of it because I thought I didn't have anything to contribute other than to agree with others that the call sounded like a stupid and cruel hoax.

But I will say now that I read many of the forums on GW, including Hot Topics, Marriage, and Step Families. I have read many posts that Sweeby has written. And without fail, I have been impressed with her intelligence, insight, problem solving, and generosity to the point where I have wondered if she is a mental health professional. No where have I seen her be cruel or belittling.

Sweeby posted: "I can only imagine what prompted Dilly_Dally's very public 'display of concern'."

I have no idea why you would try to define my post as a public "display of concern". I never said anywhere in my post that I was emotionally concerned and really don't give a hoot what bad choices you make about your life.

The fact is....You started the thread and ended the initial post with "What do you all think?". So I guess I erroneously concluded that you were interested in people's thoughts on the matter. Sort of like a survey....as in "What do common folks think?" drawing from a large pool of persons with differing backgrounds and experiences, rather than your own small circle of friends, co-workers and neighbors who may not be entirely honest with you since they have to face you everyday and would fear backlash.

Although I posted that I would have handled the situation differently no one has even bothered out of curiosity to ask me how I would have handled it. I was in a similar situation with a phone call from an unknown woman. I was not married at the time though so, that changes how one might handle it of course but I DID handle it differently with surprising results.

Before I even posted you had already said: "Let's assume that 'my reality' is not 100% technically true, and that 'Ms More' or 'Lynn' really is out there somewhere picking up my crumbs in ten-minute chunks. It IS possible, I guess." So I was not the first one to bring up that possibility out of the blue. It was already a point of discussion in a post made by you to look at the situation from another vantage point. "Let's assume that...".

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Posted by oakleyok: Patty cakes, would you please post a link to the "gripes" thread on the decorating forum? I'd like to read it and it's probably full of good advice...........I do agree we need to stay on topic, it would save so much heartache."

She ignored my request to post a link so I am going to guess it is the one I found where I made a comment about the weather in my area as an afterthought, and was immediately chastised by Patty to "staying on track re:the topic". So let me say I am very, very sorry about making a comment about the weather and going off track with my postscript.

Then in the same post I was called on the carpet by name by Patty with:

"Dilly, I can't speak for everyone, but *I* feel there is something wrong with casually 'tossing out ideas' after that horrible thread."

(I am guessing that 'that horrible thread' was the one about the fireplace mantle that I did not particulate in. I have no idea what 'horrible thread' is being referred to since Patty did not provide a link to reference. Not everybody reads every thread here so links are helpful.)

I was chastised by name, even though the OP had already posted approval of EVERYONE'S comments with:

"Y'all are awesome....... But Dilly that is brilliant."

OP even followed with:

"Dilly-Dally, you nailed it again." and "Thanks for sticking with me Dilly and Justgotabme!"

No one else seemed to have a problem with anything I posted in that thread since comments like this rolled in:

"Ditto what dilly dally said...she has great thoughts for you~"

Ergo, I was completely wrong to add my comment about MY weather when the OP had referenced the weather in her area. I apologize!

I will NEVER AGAIN "just toss out" decorating ideas. Ever. I apologize! No more shopping for those hard to find items either that posters can't find for themselves and request links to. I apologize. Mea culpa. And I suppose I should skip giving reviews of products that posters ask about. What if my opinion of a product does not match exactly the opinion of someone else's who has also used the product?!?!? :shudder: Nope. I'm not taking any chances on offending.

Oakleyok, so if staying on topic will save so much heartache in that thread, (that I did not realize I was causing), I will not add another post to it. I guarantee it. I really had no idea from the OP's rather *You go girls!* responses that there was so much sadness and heartache in that thread. I guess I am just dumb. I never saw the heartache. Sorry. It won't happen again.

You probably expected me to get all defensive-like and say I am tired of being called out on the the carpet by name over and over for imagined blown out of proportion transgressions. Nope. I've giving a HUGE apology to anyone and everyone who may have suffered heartache if I had suggested adding tassels to something, or lowering a curtain rod, or adding bling to a mirror, or anything, anything that caused decor sadness, anguish and/or grief.

**I am apologizing for using the word *Nope* in my post here. I was chastised for doing that in another thread also. I fully intend to correct my breezy writing style!

Here is a link that might be useful: Called out on the carpet yet again - Thread

I think you are insane. Planting the seed in these people's mind that I made that phone call?? Just nuts.

I wondered why this thread was still alive. I hadn't read it in days. Just opened and scrolled down to Sweeby's post on Fri, Apr 2, 10 at 18:32. Without reading what came before it my first thought was that someone on the Marriage forum made the call. No one had to plant that seed. DD, very curious that you would make that statement.

I don't mind being called insane. I've been called a lot worse.

I do think it is very sad that Dilly could take what I said and twist it into something that it wasn't. While I do think her post was as mean spirited as the phone call made to Sweeby...I meant exactly what I wrote. If she wants to infer something other than what I wrote or intended..well, like I said...that is very sad. There was absolutely no implication, implicit or otherwise, that I thought she made the call. That wasn't even in my thought process.

Sweeby, you continue to show your grace and dignity.

Maybe I interpreted the original post wrong, but I read it as, "do you think this call was totally random? or do you think someone is p*ssed off at my husband or me, and thats why they did it?"

I did not read "Should I trust my own husband?, is he really doing this?"

When it took that interpretation, that is when this whole thread started to go south.

Dilly, keep posting. (not necessarily in this thread, lol.) But this too shall pass.

What a coincidence, when I read "horrible thread" my gut told me it was my mantel thread. lol. I hope you weren't one of the posters who told me to "tear down that mantel!", but if you were, then all's forgiven. I'm not one to carry grudges. I may remember it hurt my feelings, but I'm not angry anymore.

Know what? I'm still having trouble decorating that darn thing, but I haven't shown a picture of it since I did that post. I'm afraid to. Ironically a fellow poster has the EXACT same mantel on their stone fireplace and it received many "oohs and ahhhs." Same mantel, same height and width and same COLOR. Go figure.

Oh well, I say we should all just move on. And keep posting Dilly!

One last thing, nothing wrong with mentioning the weather. So I'm on your side in that regard. :)

"I hope you weren't one of the posters who told me to "tear down that mantel!", but if you were, then all's forgiven."

I don't need forgiveness. I never even posted to that thread. Decorating mantles doesn't really interest me all that much. I do remember the photo of it. If you are curious as to what I think, I think it looks great as is, and it should be left unadorned or maybe with just one medium sized piece of art as decor - something in a muted color made of a natural material. The sole reason I did not post to that thread was that I KNEW if I posted ANYTHING at all someone would pop up to call me out and proclaim *phooey* at my suggestion since it would have been the minority viewpoint and then the 'pile-on' begins. It. Just. Gets. Tiresome.

I dunno about posting to the decorating forum anymore. I'll mull it over. Lies and backhanded conspiracy gets tiring. Restraining myself when someone posts a big fat lie makes it look like I am guilty of something. That bugs me. Like in this thread below where Mona and Natal get together to plot on the Computer Forum against me. Mona tells a lie that I posted that I am from New Orleans. I never did that. Pure fabrication on her part to stir the pot and get Natal riled up. She probably does not even suspect that I saw her post there since I did not jump in to defend myself with the truth.

Everyone knows where I am from. (Well, at least the general area. I certainly would not fall for the bait to post an exact former address of a place where I have lived along with pictures. ROTFLMAO.)

The backstory to the below thread linked........A former poster screen name here used to cruise CL and write to people to tell them the stuff they were selling was horrible. Then she would brag about it here. There was more than one post where this had been done and she would even post the response here that she got from the seller after she emailed them to insult them, if they bothered to write her back. She encouraged others to email CL sellers to harass them also. I ignored the first few threads on this weirdness but finally said that I thought this was a sick little hobby and wrong. WHOA. The consensus was that I was obviously WRONG and this poster apparently had a lot of supporters for her antics. :Amazing: This is when posters suddenly popped up in that thread to plant the idea that I was behind some of the posts there - posing as one of the sellers she had emailed to insult.

Below is the link to where Mona fabricates the 'New Orleans' theory:

http://www.thathomesite.com/forums/load/comphelp/msg051822488570.html?10

Here is a link that might be useful: Lies

Oh, for goodness sake!!

Dilly, the thread you're referring to was so hateful and the responses so venomous that it's best left dead. Some of the members that were supposedly good friends started throwing each other under the bus! And if I recall, you were one of the most vocal with your accusations as to who wrote a threatening letter and who sent the emails, etc.

When I posted on the Computing Forum I did it with full knowledge that someone/anyone could do a search for my posts. I'm not ashamed of the question I asked. Am I surprised you checked to see what I was posting and where? Nope. And I don't care, either.

And if I said I thought you were from New Orleans it certainly wasn't a "plot" against you. I believed it stemmed from the fact you had a gaming partner in that city and it made us wonder, that's all. Since I was incorrect and you're not from New Orleans, please accept my apology for misplacing you.

Lord, you are paranoid. But let me tell you, that checking a member's IP address can certainly clear up a few questions as to who said what and to whom she said it.

Get over it and stick to the current topic of your making insensitive comments in response to the OP's question. Trying to divert attention away from yourself doesn't make the things you said sound any nicer.

STOP IT
EVERYONE JUST STOP,
PLEASE

LOL ... my Mac will be a year old on the 30th of this month. That's why I was on the Computer forum. When I saw Mona's thread I had to post. So you can lay your "conspiracy" theory to rest. Not the way it happened.

Funny, after I posted today I started remembering the whole Brutuses/CL mess. The fact that you brought it up makes this whole thing even more curious!

You did a mean thing Dilly --
You did a really mean thing to me, and you got called on it.

Now you're making excuses, throwing blame around, and accusing others of 'having it in for you'.
You're not the perpetrator, you're the victim!

Yeah. Right. I believe that.
Maybe everybody else will too if you say it loud enough and often enough...

The right thing to do when you get called on a mistake is to admit it and apologize.
You know that. I know that. Everyone on this forum knows that.
If you want to stay in the park and keep playing nicely with the other kids, you know what to do.

Linking to this, linking to that. Seriously.... ??!!

OK ... I probably shouldn't have returned to this thread, but now that I have, I'm going to say that I actually spewed my Diet Coke from laughing too hard. I mean, seriously, is this not just about the biggest bunch of ridiculousness that's gone on here in quite some time? Oh, the drama! Oh, the intrigue! Oh, my gawd -- are we really this hard up for things to talk about?

Gotta go get some paper towels to wipe up my screen spew now. (But before I do, Oakley - thank you so much for sharing the story about your son. Poor kid indeed, thinking mom had called him "stupid!" I guess sometimes people think we're saying something, when that's really not our intent at all. :-))

Wow. This will be my last remark (if I can sit on my hands, lol), but even if Dilly is wrong, ganging up on her this way is not right. I know what it's like to be ganged up on by other posters who are board friends & it sooo embarrasing. That is why the decorating forum is called "cliquish." I've also wondered why people won't stand up for others and instead keep silent. Is it because they don't want to make their fellow board friends mad at them? That's my educated guess. I get many emails rooting for me, but they wouldn't DARE root for me on the board in front of their friends who are the ones doing the insulting.

I can see why Dilly is extremely angry at the computer topic. Mona, no offense or anything, but you didn't apologize to Dilly for publicly making fun of her in front of strangers , nor did you go back to the board and say you were wrong about where she lives.

If I went there and you were talking about me that way (even if you did think I was mean, lol), I'd die of humiliation and embarrassment! And I'd probably cry too.

So I can defintely understand why Dilly posted the link. She is literally being singled out here for HER behavior, while other's have no problem making fun of her "behind her back" on other boards for all to see.

That is a double standard and the highest form of hypocrisy I've ever witnessed on a board.

I've seen my best friends on Face Book make fun of other people, even if that person isn't nice to them, and it just makes me cringe knowing they are made fun of in a very public place behind their backs.

I do think Dilly was wrong in calling someone "insane", but two wrongs don't make a right. It's the pot kettle thing.

Again, let's all peace out. Heck, maybe we should have a thread where we can air our grieviances with each other and work things out? :)

Just to get the story straight--sweeby, is the 'mean thing' you're saying dilly dally did (to to imply that she definitely did it, just for reference's sake) the thing that motivated this whole thread? Or something else?

Oakley, I'm the "insane" one and truly it did not bother me. I thought it was kinda funny.

I found myself rolling my eyes at many of the posts and for that I am sorry. There were some hurt feelings and anger and I am embarassed and apologize if I added to any discomfort.

I started posting in Kitchens a few years ago and then Baths and I don't know how I ended up here. But there are so many posters who have touched my heart, brought tears to my eyes and made me laugh out loud. I've met a really wonderful poster in person and I've enjoyed emailing with a few wonderful people. For that I wouldn't change a thing. But, when I've caused discomfort for something I may have "said" I know it's time to move on.

Marlene, you did nothing wrong. DD spilled her own beans and tried to implicate you in the process. As Ricky Ricardo would say, she has much 'splaining to do!

oakleyok, the location mistake was cleared up in following posts on the CL thread Dilly is referencing. She's not showing those comments, is she?

This all happened a year ago. I wasn't even a major player in the tiff, I simply came in to defend the person being attacked. I even said that though the "victim" probably shouldn't have said what she did she didn't deserve to be skewered on this Forum. And for defending her I became a target.

There were statements pertaining to details of private correspondence made by a member that only a very involved participant would have known about. There were allegations; there were denials and there were accusations. No one was left untouched. Some members were badly hurt and went away for a long time. I still say that thread should be left alone.

I've read and reread my comments on the Computer Forum. I went there alone and asked a general question. Another member and I met there and spoke. I may be obtuse, but I don't think our comments about dilly were so humilating. Should we have said those things? Probably not, but they weren't earth shattering comments, either. Heck, if anyone had crossed referenced to the CL post they would have read some of the ridiculous comments she made about a conspiracy directed at making her look bad. Wait, it's starting to sound familiar to me. Have I heard this somewhere before?

Though you don't mean any offense, do you not think it's offensive of you to say that my comments are..."double standard and the highest form of hypocrisy I've ever witnessed on a board."

Interesting, too, that in the year since that insane thread took place Dilly and I have had no problems with posting on each other's threads and responding to each other's comments in a rather friendly manner.

I don't have a continuing problem with dilly or anyone on this board. I do have a problem with someone getting defensive and claiming conspiracy theories when they are chided for something they've said. I don't care who it is, that's childish behavior.

Look, she said something that was very hurtful to the OP. How simple and nice it would have been if she had just said she didn't mean it the way it sounded. But she didn't, and instead started dragging other members back into the fray asking why X & Y & Z weren't called on the carpet for things they said.

You know, it's late; I'm tired.

The bottom line is that there is no conspiracy here against anyone. The dots just don't connect. The puzzle pieces don't fit.

Oakly, yes I used to get emails of support from people who were fearful of posting. But, I also got threatening hate mail from people here. Really bad stuff but not bad enough where the police could do anything about it. So I had my email turned off here.

You don't know how an unstable person will react to an innocent post. I've learned in the past that a harmless sounding "What do y'all think?" post really means "I'm only looking for people who will agree with my narrow point of view and lack of any real worldly experience or education." Any person offering an alternate viewpoint differing from the majority vote, is branded as "just plain mean".

Someone asked about links? Links prove facts. Like the one below.

Here I politely asked an OP to provide a link to a news story she referred to. Check out the posters from this thread who ran over there to post. Look for similarities in the screen names...... BTW I only use one screen name here.

Yes, it is another pile-on. There is another one in another forum too.

http://ths.gardenweb.com/forums/load/kitchentable/msg0408491531609.html?8

Here is a link that might be useful: Another pile-on.................

Please allow me to clarify --
I did NOT mean to imply that I think Dilly made the phone call -- I don't know who did.
(Though I've signed up for call tracing, so if it happens again, the police will, and I will prosecute...)
I hope that's not what anyone inferred, so if anyone thinks that's what I was saying, please stop now, because that IS NOT what I meant at all.

My "What do y'all think?" was directed toward what kind of person might have done such a thing. NOT in any way a "gee, do you think it's true?" post, because as I tried to make it very, very, very clear -- I am certain it's not.

I can't seem to locate the thread I mentioned, but it seems as though it really isn't relevant at this point. Dilly seems to be getting it from every-which-way~~no comment.

In 'my world', and that's 5 kids/3 spouses, 1 ex-husband, 1 brother, 1 sister, 1 *best* friend(51 years!), casual friends, teen-age grandchildren, in-laws, neighbors, and associates from the antique mall where I have a space, we do NOT have drama. I don't know the last time I even had to raise my voice to another adult(grown children included!), and i'm beginning to wonder why many here are using so much energy to keep this thread going. Maybe you're tying to make a point, but hasn't that *point* been made several times already? It's becoming nothing more than a vicious circle of more of the same. I pride myself on *not* having drama in my life, and don't associate with others who seem to attract it like a cat in heat. I've heard the saying 'like attracts like, and believe it's true~~'you are who your friend are'. Let's take a good look at ourselves ladies. Aren't we all on conversations for the camaraderie of spirit as well as being able to bare out souls if necessary? We may all have different opinions on everything in our lives, or life in general, but can't we 'treat others as we want to be treated'? As I mentioned in another post, we live in such a harsh world today, where rudeness has become the rule, rather than the exception! We've all been treated badly at one time or another, and it hurts, emotionally, and sometimes even physically. Please try to remember how that made *YOU* feel.

Tomorrow is Easter Sunday, and a time for new beginnings. Can we start by letting this thread go by the wayside? To the depths of 'conversations' never to be mentioned again, or threads/posts brought back to haunt others? God bless and Happy Easter. ;o)

I was alone last night and got carried away reading the rest of this thread and trying to decipher how and why it degenerated somewhat ; I even clicked on the links and read the referred threads . I think everyone concerned responded to each other and made good points.

I don't care if it's Easter or Christmas, if someone has anything more to say, they should feel free to do so. Mistakes were made in the past on this forum,
the air was cleared, this is positive, imo.

DD, you do give out a lot of helpful advice on decorating so I don't think you should stop posting.

Auntjen, bummer on the assembling part of your purchase !!!!

PC, a friendly weather comment is not a reason to be chastized for being off-topic, really.

I'm looking forward to a new shoe thread, I bought purple booties.

"If I went there and you were talking about me that way (even if you did think I was mean, lol), I'd die of humiliation and embarrassment! And I'd probably cry too"

Oh for cripes sake Oakley - this is a MESSAGE BOARD! You don't know these people? Why on earth would you cry over something said on a message board???!!! You need to quit bringing up your old threads, and referring to being singled out, cliques, etc.

This thread has gotten so out of hand, it's not even funny. Linking to other board threads, calling each other names, bringing up posters who no longer post here, being suspicious of a husband because of this thread? Absolutely ridiculous. Does all the old crap really need to be rehashed again?

I cannot wait till this post reaches its limit.

I, too, came here this morning with the intention of wishing everyone a happy Easter, but that seems almost funny now. On the other hand, maybe it is sad . . .

tina

150 is the limit, right? Nearly there!

HAPPY EASTER, everyone!

:-)

Look for similarities in the screen names...

Surely you're not accusing people of having dual identities. That's absurd.

I think now we're dealing with a smokescreen.

seven

SIX

Four

Two

And done, I hope.

One! One! One! (Is this hideous beast dead now?)