My sister has a daughter with Apraxia. We think one of my aunts might have had it also, but it didn't have an official name back then and people just thought she had a mild degree of cerebral palsy with some accompanying learning difficulties.

I really like your library analogy. Maybe you could expand on it by ensuring your son that his brain is capable of storing the same vast amount of information as other people, so it is in no way inferior. But most other libraries have the books filed according to category, then in alphabetical order, etc., to make retrieving the books easier for people. His brain is more complex to retrieve information from, like a library would be if all the books were just stacked on shelves randomly and not sorted to make it easier for people to find a particular book.

So while most other people can simply think of an action and follow through on it (like looking for a book in a methodically sorted library) he has to put much more time and effort to look for the book he wants, and it just won't always be possible to find it.

I don't know what your son's plans are, following high school, but if he would struggle too much with post secondary education, it would be wonderful if he could find a field of interest where he could apprentice with a mentor instead. A very kind, loving and thoughtful personality should go a long way if your son can can gear his future toward a field where these qualities are more important than jobs that require higher scholastic demands, but don't necessarily need a nurturing, empathetic personality.

My sister's daughter works as a 'Veterinary technician' but she has no actual community college diploma in that area. After working for free as a volunteer in a Vet's clinic during her last two summers of highschool, she was asked to stay on and now works full time. They loved her sweet and compassionate care with the animals and although like your son, we're sure people might notice she's a little different, there has never been a single complaint or disparaging remark aimed her way, and she absolutely loves her job!

I hope your son will be fortunate enough to find his niche and have the opprotunity to give others the benefit of his kind and loving nature while having a career he'll enjoy as well.

Just wanted to say how awesome I think it is that you're trying so hard to come up with an analogy for your son, to help him feel good about himself and understand how his brain may work differently. I wish you the best of luck with him and have a feeling that he will find where he fits and everything will work out just fine.

Hi Sweeby,

I'm not familiar with the condition your son has, but he sounds like he's one amazing young man. I used to work with higher functioning adults who suffered from retardation. I'd teach them how to live independently on their own and provide support to them. Of course each client had a different skill set but they all had something to offer to society and I'm sure your son does as well. When it wasn't obvious, I'd tell them just that, we didn't know what their niche was but everyone has one and we'd find theirs together.

That said, with the qualities your son has, I think he could one day make a great mentor or group assistant for kids suffering from the same or similar condition he has. Especially since you say he has always had a good self esteem and is kind and loving soul, he obviously loves people and enjoys helping them. Intelligence comes in all forms, his is just more unique. Like I said, he sounds like he's one very special young man.

I think you know him best and will come up with a wonderful way to make him comfortable with who he is. I like the library analogy but I tend to envision him trying to find things in a messy room. It takes longer.

He will find his path. Just wait.

I like your answer Sweeby, and I think you know your son best. What I am also hearing in your post is your long term concern for your son. What will be his future?
I too, have worked with populations with varying disabilities. The hardest were those like your son. They were smart enough to be able to recognize that they were not exactly up to par and it was very frustrating for them. Your son is experiencing this now.
You mentioned that you are not sure what he is good at. Maybe now is the time to explore vocations. Not everyone has a raw talent. I have two daughters. One who has an above average IQ (not saying there were not probelms along the way with her!)and everything comes easily for her. From school to athletics. My younger daughter is of average intelligence. But, she has to work hard at for everything, nothing comes naturally. They both graudated college. The oldest has a job with a career plan. My youngest is working but has not found her passion. So, your son's situation is not all that uncommon across the board.
Asisde from explaiing a diagnosis, maybe now is the time to creat a plan.

Tell him some people are highly intelligent "book" smart but have zero common sense, they lack the transfer gene. Some people are not as book smart but are very advanced in the common sense department. Some people appear to have it all but are not good people or they may not be happy. There are all sorts of people in the world but what you love about him is that he has a little bit of all and everything that is good. He was lucky in that he got an extra helping of love and kindness and a sort of intelligence that sees how important that is. Not everyone has that, and that's the truth!

jterrilynn,

What a wise post. When I'm feeling down and hard on myself, I want to talk to you! LOL!

Thank you so much for your excellent feedback and suggestions --

Pickyshopper - It's wonderful to hear from someone who actually knows Apraxia and understands the unique obstacles that particular issue comes with. Clearly you understand where I was trying to go with the library analogy, and I think just the statement about how he has as much information in there as anyone else is the kind of ego-saving view that I was aiming for. I also love your Vet Tech suggestion, and will have to suggest it to John and Hubby. So far, we had considered some of the service fields (Hospitality, Restaurants, Auto Mechanics) but hadn't really found anything that inspired him that wasn't work fast oriented (not possible...) or that didn't mean essentially running his own business (Landscaping, Plumbing). But Vet Tech -- his kindness and compassion would be great and a certain slowness might actually be a plus.

Lukki - Interesting idea about being a mentor or peer leader for others with disabilities. That falls right into his natural 'helper' instincts, and actually is something he's doing already at school, helping his Sp.Ed. classmates whose issues are more severe. I thought perhaps he might be a good hospital orderly or nursing home attendant, but he doesn't seem to have any interest in that type of work...

Joanie & Golddust - Thanks for your kind words of support. He is an amazing kid, and a constant source of inspiration...

TerriLynn, Your point about different types of intelligence is well-taken and is the kind of message we've been giving him all along -- How people are all different and all valuable. Some are good at this, and others are good at that - no one's good at everything... He's internalized that pretty well -- but the reality that most of his peers actually are better at everything than he is is starting to intrude.

Ellendi - Your experiences with the highest-functioning disabled are right about what we're starting to see. He functions in that 'in between two worlds' area, is beginning to realize that, and isn't really comfortable with what that means. (Who would be?)

As to the 'How am I different?' analogy -- the Library angle is still our best shot?

Sweeby,

I think you've gotten some great advice and agree with everyone's opinion so won't add to that.

I think that self esteem is based on feeling worthy and important. So while some might find self worth in their academic or athletic abilities, if you're son is challenged in those areas, he feels inadequate when compared to his peers. I think that finding a volunteer or job opportunity where he has responsibility and is appreciated would be wonderful for him, so I second the suggestion to find a vet, animal shelter, child care or even a elder day care/nursing home - somewhere that a person could volunteer/work where compassion is appreciated. I have a friend who has a son who volunteers at the animal shelter. He plays with the dogs and walks them and helps clean the cat cages etc. He loves it.

As far as the library analogy - I think that would work if your son understands the organization of a library - ie. categories etc� I sort of like Golddust's suggestion of a messy room or something that he can relate to personally.

If he understands how to file/retrieve a library book, then I think that would work fine.

Sweeby,

The reason he may not have in interest in the orderly or nursing home environments is the people there are not like him in any way, not age, not experience, not interests, he can't relate to them. I would guess that for him to be interested, he needs to be in a setting where there is something he can relate to or that has some commonality with him. If he loves animals, volunteering in a shelter or with a rescue group, if he loves people, volunteering in something like I suggested may be rewarding for him and help him to feel like he does fit in because those kids would look up to him.

Good point Lukki -- Though he actually seems much more comfortable with adults than with kids his own age or younger...

Caroleoh -- Your point about tying self-esteem to achievement is right on target. He already knows he is kind and responsible and honest, and that we think those particular qualities are more important than the ones he's falling short on.

Just to update you all --

We did have a short talk today about the library theory. John had an essay to write and a time limit to write it in -- a bad combination for him, and his results weren't good. Apparently for the upcoming state-mandated standardized test, he will not be allowed unlimited time, which is unusual, because he usually is. (Part of his disability accommodations.)

Anyway - we talked about why things take him longer, and I used the library analogy to explain it. I did explain that his 'filing system' was not the same as most people's (kind of like a messy closet - thanks for that idea), and that we didn't know why. In response, I saw no magic light bulbs, but no hurt puppy dog eyes either. Guess that's the best I can do for now, and we'll see what happens...

Sweeby,

I know this is so hard for you AND for your son. As a special ed teacher, I can throw out a couple ideas that have worked for me with some of my kiddoes. I have had everything from ID (the old MR), LD, ED, PDD, autism...

One thing I would ask him if he says that he is not intelligent is what he thinks that means. Introduce him to Howard Gardner's "Seven Intelligences" and he will be able to see which kind of intelligence he has. He needs to know that just because he is not strong on linguistic intelligence or whatever, he may be "people smart" or "art smart" or "music smart" as we explain it to our elementary school kids. There are so many careers that he should be able to find something he loves. His teacher/case manager should already be focusing on vocational goals for/with him

Next, I am assuming that he has an IEP, so I would be sure it is addressing not only his academic needs, but also his social, emotional, and transition to work needs. If you don't feel it is doing that, request a meeting. An IEP is a document that can be rewritten at any time if changes are needed. Once a student hits 14, transition planning is a required element of the IEP process. Special education operates under Federal mandates and those are very clear. Some districts do a great job, some...well, not even acceptable.

He should be allowed accommodations such as extended time on tests. Our state tests are untimed, but for timed tests, most of my students get extra time-at least time and a half and sometimes more. Check with your state DOE to make sure the school is just not wanting to take the easy way out here. I am not saying they would, but it takes a lot more scheduling time to administer tests to our sped kiddoes since you need extra teachers to administer the tests when not everyone is receiving the same accommodations. For instance, if some get extra time and read-aloud, they need to be in a separate group from those who get only extended time. It is a nightmare for the test coordinator, but it is necessary to ensure that my students receive what has been agreed to on the IEP.

Also, the school psychologist and/or counselor may run something like friendship groups during lunch or at other times that can offer specific, direct instruction in a social setting for kids who need help navigating the world of human interactions.

Don't be afraid to push back if your son isn't getting what you believe he needs. Every district should have a monitoring and compliance division for parents and students whose concerns are not addressed at the school level.

Knowing that he may have to work longer and harder than some others is a good lesson, but it can also be extremely frustrating and discouraging if he realizes his entire life may be one of always having to work longer and harder and never achieving as much. He needs to find his passion and then everyone can work together to see that he can incorporate that into his future in some way.

I worked with an amazing teacher once who explained one of the student's learning issues with an analogy similar to your library scenario. She explained that all of our brains were like filing cabinets. Most of us file information in some sort of order so we can reach in and grab information when we need it. This particular student had all the information go into her filing cabinet, but in no discernible order. So accessing one piece of info meant sorting thru everything. It was all in there, we just had to help guide her to it. I worked with this kid one on one for a couple of years, she was younger than your son, but what I focused on was giving her strategies to organize what went in so she could find it when she needed it. I was always trying to explain to her teachers that she did actually have the "smarts," we just had to give her the time to access them.

Also, sweeby, this is not exactly apropos, but a lot of it may fit and help others to see our students on the autism spectrum a little differently. Over the years, my favorite students have been my kids with some form of autism. They are truly amazing beings just as your son is!

Here is a link that might be useful: Aspergers cat

Thank you Cyn & Daisy --

That Aspergers Cat video is wonderful! Very informative in a friendly and accessible way. (Not at all like my son, but good viewing --)

Cyn - Thanks for your notes about his IEP and accommodations. Actually, I suspect the '1-hour' time limit he was referring to actually *IS* a rather large extension, because he was only being asked to write a page, and he is 16... He could stretch it out to an all-day task if left completely to his own devices. So yeah - a TOTAL PITA for the school to have to try to deal with. (Plus, as a parent, I don't particularly care whether he passes our state's standardized test. The school cares a whole lot. He does take the version that is modified for students with disabilities.)

In general, I consider his IEP and accommodations very appropriate. He has been in social groups several times in the past, but time and time again, is dismissed as being the kid 'least in need'... He does *so well* with adults and in adult-led groups that I can absolutely understand why. Again, if you met him, you'd probably think he was just delightful (he is) -- he's just not socially typical...

We are regularly talking about school-to-work transition issues and he'll take some vocational classes starting next year.

Daisy - I like your filing cabinet analogy too. That might help --

Hi, me again. I was curious (could be way off) but as it seems your son is pretty well adjusted in most every way... if some of his questions may have little to do with his diagnosis and more to do with how he thinks he maybe be viewed from members of the opposite sex. Teen years are crazy confusing and sometimes hormones can mix up feelings. Like I said I am probably way off but I learned from my sons when they were teens that the worries of dating or non dating, girls, hormones, peers and all the rest often came out in what seemed to be unrelated ways.

Sounds like things are going pretty much the right way, sweeby.

jterrilynn may have hit the nail on the head. At 16, those worries are absolutely first in most kids minds. All they want to do is get through the day without doing anything embarrassing! Just walking from one class to another can be a rough road!

I am glad your sped folks are good. If you ever have any concerns or questions on that end, don't hesitate to email me. My email is on my page.