We've owned cats (or actually they have owned us) for years. Your cat has been through a lot of upheaval in her short life and the fact that you are making progress and that she is making friendly overtures to you after only 2 weeks is, I think, a good sign. Cats can be aloof (we have two of those) but it sounds like she needs time to learn that she is not going to be shunted off once again. I'm so glad that you adopted an "older" kitten.

I don't think two weeks is all that much time to adjust especially if she's been through a lot of trauma in the past. It sounds like she has the makings of a loving, sweet kitty so maybe it will just take a little more time. I do think I've adopted some cats that were lover boys from day one and others that took longer to warm up. You have to just give them space and let them come around in their own time. I have three cats now and they're all different. One is a lover boy who is just on me and around me all the time and has been from the first time I picked him up at the shelter. One is a princess and she is loving and sweet and hangs with me sometimes but she is more independent and aloof. My old guy is a lover boy too but he doesn't purr much or lay on my lap much any more. I think his old bones are not comfortable in very many positions plus he's not very steady on his feet.

I always adopt old cats too. I think you can tell more about their personalities. If all the indications are that this was a nice cat then I bet she will come around.

Thanks to both of you! I appreciate the positive encouragement. It makes me feel better.

I agree, she has been through a lot and it's silly to think she would be totally comfortable here after such a short time.
She has had to adjust to a new home, new people, and a dog.

I know I need to be patient.

Thank you.

If she is coming up on the couch to be next to you, that is pretty good. I agree with the others, she has had a lot of upheaval and should make steady progress.

A lot of cats are more skittish around men until they get used to them. Their voices, size, heavier walk, etc. My cats used to be skittish when contractors came when I was single, but they totally love DH.

She needs more time to adjust. I've always owned cats but my grandparents haven't. They adopted a kitten with feline leukemia and sadly he didn't live very long. He was very friendly and a total lap kitty. After he passed they wanted another, went to the shelter and adopted a 5 year old cat. The cats owner passed away and it spent 5 months in the shelter. They were told the cat was very friendly, etc. Theirs took about a year to fully come out of her shell but she's still not a lap kitty.

Sounds like yours will be ok with more time. Just a side note in general though for maybe other people reading, cats have different personalities and some just aren't real social and are more skitzy. I had a hard time getting my grammy to understand that.

Our one cat was very shy around us as a kitten and she wouldn't show her face to other people. You'd move too fast around her and BAM she'd run off. It's been quite a few years and just recently we noticed she hasn't been doing that with us and she'll even come out around some people now.

She just needs time and love.

Some cats never cuddle. My beloved 20-year old who died a few months ago hated to be restrained and seemed to have very sensitive skin. She liked people, love other cats, sat nearby, and liked some scratching. She was an absolute charmer, but wouldn't be held.

My DH's cat had a rough life before she came into his care. She's still operates from a base of fear. When we met, she wanted me dead. Truly. She scratched and bit whenever I got within range. I calmly explained to her that I was here to stay and that she would learn to love me as much as I love her. It took a couple of years, but I'm now one of her people, too. Now that she has two people she trusts, she's calmer around strangers, too.

Keep playing, talking to and combing/brushing your kitty. I can't tell if the dog you mentioned is yours. If so, it may take some extra time for her to feel safe and relax.

You've received excellent advice. We have 7 cats, four indoor...and they all have very different personalities. One of my cats is just starting to be more comfortable with me holding him, and I've had him 3 years! Another one will not leave me alone when he and I are alone, and he's such a lover, but if someone else, other than my husband and I are around, he'll take off and hide. One cat is a velcro cat-make eye contact and she won't leave you alone, but she would not go near me for about 4 months when she first came to live with us. She was hanging out at my husbands shop and was *his* cat when he brought her home, but now will go to any free lap. The final cat has always been frisky and a lover, from day one.

She'll do fine and will set her own rules soon. Thanks for adopting her!

Some cat's simply aren't cuddlers unless they come to you. I've got one of those now, but she does come and sleep behind my head at night and loves to be rubbed. Other than that, forget it! lol. She also loves to bat at me if I walk by, only in play but she's gotten me good though.

Years ago we got a female calico when she was about 5 months old. She hated being held or to sit on a lap. But she'd come to bed with anyone and allow them to rub her.

That's the way some cats are! Ayla lived to be 20 and came to me one time to be held and that was after a surgery she had, and I rocked her. Awww.

I've had cats all of my life and have never had one that didn't have some sort of adjustment period. DD worked with our tuxedo who was a feral, and while he now comes out socially and lays on our laps, etc., he still has moments when he feels the need to escape.

Giving lots of love and allowing an adjustment period that suits your particular kitty's needs, I am sure you will have a lovely pet. One thing - cats are in the driver's seat when it comes to the owner/pet dynamic, lol. Give it time.

Handfeeding is one of the surefire ways to build trust with a cat. Just keep some treats on hand and have the cat eat them FROM your hand. You should do it multiple times a day, and not expect much for a week or two. That said, kitty may still be somewhat aloof. Some are.... You may consider adopting another cat -two cats are truly no more trouble than one, and it may help socialize this one. AND you might get a cuddler. If not, you could then adopt ANOTHER.... just kidding...

it does sound like your kitten is already making an adjustment and feeling comfortable with you! definitely give it time! and, as others have said, some cats are alot more personable than others. i think the fact that your kitten is sometimes sitting next to you on the couch is a good sign!

we got our current kitty when she was about 2-2 1/2 months old... i remember feeling alittle sad that she didn't love being held when she was young...probably for the 1st 6 months that we had her---but, she really is the absolute BEST little cat with a fabulous personality and loves to sit in our laps now!!(she's 5 1/2 now!)

btw, cats can often purr when they are either stressed and even injured, so a purring cat doesn't always signal a social or happy cat...

I agree with the comments above about just giving her lots more time and continuing to give her love and lots of attention! She sounds like a typical little kitty - coming to you when it's her idea, but maintaining her distance when that's more comfortable. It's so true that they each have their own little personalities. I have two that were feral when adopted as kittens, and they will not allow us to touch them. (Makes me sad, because they are beautiful and I would love to love on them, but I have to be satisfied with just knowing they have settled in perfectly with the other cats, even though they'll probably never be up for human contact.) My Tiger cuddles when he feels like it, but he's more often just off doing his own thing. Molly, on the other hand, is extremely affectionate (with me, not DH!) and any time I'm seated, she wants to be on my lap.

You may wind up with a constant cuddler, or with one that's a bit more aloof at times - but I think the important thing to remember is that while we can't make them into the kind of kitty they're not inherently "designed" to be, they can still bring tons of joy to our lives. And you've certainly made your new little girl's life complete, just by giving her a forever home.

Best wishes!

Thank you everyone for your stories and insight. I found the right place to ask!

Gibby - we were posting at the same time last night. Thank you - I'm encouraged.

Shee - It's nice to know that they continue to adjust. I will be fine if she is not a lap kitty although it would be nice! :)

Yogacat- Yes, the dog is mine. He's really good with cats but I'm sure she's apprehensive about him. She bats at him occasionally but hissed and puffed up at first. So, it's definitely progress. He loved to play with my daughter's cat - they ran around the house together and slept next to each other so he's totally confused. I hope they eventually become pals. I will keep playing with and loving her. Thank you.

Pesky - Thank you. I know that they're all different and it seems that you still get some form of affections from each. Thanks for the kind words too - I fear she would have spent her life in that shelter.

Oakley - I think that's it, the affection will be on her terms.

WIP - You said the right words - adjustment period and time.
That's comforting.

I really do hope she becomes more comfortable and less skittish. Yesterday our cleaning people were here and afterward we did not see her for hours. I think it freaked her out.

I am optimistic from everyone's responses. Amazingly, she is sitting on the couch next to me now falling asleep and purring!

Excellent suggestions and advice above!

One more thought -- take a worn tee-shirt from your DH and then one from you too and let the new kitten sleep with it --

and the other thought is to lie down on the rug or floor -- and let her come to you -- and hum a soft song very quietly. To cats -- a soft low hum from a human is like purring to them!

And ask questions -- a VERY cat word is "cozy" -- so ask "are you cozy, sweetie?" -- and watch her face -- long slow blinks are "love" signals from a cat ....

Have your DH feed the cat, your cat will then associate him w/good things and will feel comfortable with him.

My dad was never a cat lover,he had his dogs, the cats weren't afraid of him nor was he mean to them - they basically ignored one another.
My mom went into the hosp for along period of time so the care of the cats-- feeding, etc, became his.
After awhile, they were coming to him for attention and to play with, sitting on his lap or newspaper and even helping him wash dishes.
They bonded, and that helped a great deal when my mom passed a couple of yrs later.

+1 on the hand feeding to build trust. If you can pet her softly even one time, then treat her with a kitty treat. Dont reward an episode where she scratches or flees. Repeat. Being a feeder is a direct path to a kitty's heart. Everntually you can randomize snacking while petting, and eventually mostly taper off.

Some cats develop negative associations with hands evn if they havent been abused, if people have handled them, maybe they have been grasped and lifted out of their cage to have the cage cleaned. Cats who have learned that hands are "graspers" often mistrust petting. Sometimes you can reduce their anxiety by approaching them and touching them only with the backs of your hands, with your fingers curled inward. It's a much less controlling hand position.

Good luck with new kitty!

I've had cats I rescued from the street take up to a year to calm down and get use to and trust me. Those who came from homes are the hardest to get adjusted because they were use to things a certain way in their other home and changing is difficult for them. OTOH, if you are their first home, they usually adjust quicker.

She sounds like she's on a road to getting calmer. I'm so glad you adopted an older cat.

Our newest kitten Lucy, found US at about 4 wks. old. We knew we had to tame her or she would be just another feral cat in the neighborhood. And we did.

At about 4 mos. we brought her in the house to live (she is/was quite small and it was a year ago Dec. and it was getting tooo cold for her outside). And a little over a year later, she is still skittish (even of us!!). She occasionally sits by/near my husband, but seems to be frightened of unexpected noises.

But, she is getting better. As for our kids/friends, they never see her ... as soon as she hears/senses someone new .... she's off to hide for awhile.

Give the kitty time. We also have two other inside kitties and she loves our Ollie. Like I said, she gets a little better every day .... you just need to keep being patient with her.

jody

You are all wonderful - thank you for your responses! This forum always amazes me.

Bestyears - thanks for pointing out the hand feeding. I will do that for sure. I think one kitty is good for us with the dog but maybe once he passes, another kitty might be in order. I can see how people adopt mucltiple cats. They are so much easier than dogs. (But I adore my dog) :)

Busybee - I did not know that about the purring. I hope she wasn't purring at the shelter because she was stressed although I am sure it is possible. She purrs when she eats and plays so I think that's a happy purr.

Aunjen - how kind of you to adopt feral cats! I would want to love on them too. I agree that no matter her disposition, we will love her and it will be a rewarding relationship. Thank you.

teacats - I will use all of your suggestions.

Chijim - She is doing a lot better with my husband - I think it is going to be fine. I have had him feed her. He has taught her to drink water from the faucet. So, they're bonding. My 16 year old son is the next one who needs to feed her.

Kiki - really good information - I am going to get her some treats today and start with the rewards immediately! It makes sense about the hands. She does let me pet her - when she's in the mood. I am really gentle with her and try to avoid sudden movements. I also pick her up when she lets me hoping that she will get used to it. I put her down right away once I sense she's had enough.

HIIWTHI - more reassurance - thank you and thank you for the kind words. I'm glad I did too even if the adjustment takes a bit longer. There were beautiful cats at the shelter that had been there for 2 years. That would really be a tough adjustment!

Thank you again. You have helped so much!

Dawn

I was wondering if any of you cat lovers own any of the Jim Shore cat's? They are soooo pretty tucked away on a shelf or in a grouping. He does dogs and other things, too.

Hello,
It will take the cat about one year for the cat to really be at home. He will come out on his own as long as he can trust you both. Let it alone but always encourage it. I found a 2 year stray(that the neighbors left after moving away!) and it took about a year for him to "open" up. It started by him slowly coming into the room with all of us, then jumping on the couch, to now, letting me rub his belly(!) after 2 years. Granted we moved and the adjustment period had to start all over again in this house. He is learning a new environment and people. Soon, he will begin greeting you with his body as he sees you, rubbing up against you marking you as "his" property. YOur hubby may take longer. Also, as he learns a new property pay attention to see if he agrees with the litter box placement. I recommend a quiet place in the house away from everything, esp noise. It does not have to be on the same level as you,either, That is something that will be very important as you want him going IN the box. Cats make you earn their love, not the other way around!

My sister adopted a cat who had been adopted previously, and then 'returned' after a week because it wasn't friendly. When she brought him home, he hid behind the toilet, so she put litter box and food and water in the bathroom. She talked to him, but didn't try to get him out from his hiding spot. After a few days of this, she was watching TV in the living room and the cat came out, jumped on her lap, and that was that. He was Mr. Loveydovey from that day forward.

Wasn't sure if this was already mentioned, but you can try to get closer to the cat by laying on the floor/on your stomach, so you are not as intimating to the cat. Maybe keep your distance for a little bit at first, then try to edge closer. Maybe also play with the cat by throwing a soft toy or ball to the kitty? Our cats also love those fishing pole toy. As many mentioned, it just takes time! Good luck!

If you do a youtube search for "Tough Love: socializing feral kittens" you'll find a series of 3 videos. We found these, and followed the advice rather closely when we got the last three kittens. I know your cat isn't really feral, but I think the techniques are fine for any traumatized, anxious cat.

Our last three kittens were older, and quite feral when we got them. We had great success with the techniques in the videos with all but one kitten. We had been working with this one kitten for almost 6 weeks, and I was at the end of my rope.

The shelters didn't want her, no one we knew wanted her, and we had about given up hope and decided to have her euthanized. One night, we were working with her, and DH just said "I'm going to pet that @#!& cat whether she wants me to or not" and reached down and gave her a scratch behind the ear. Well, it must have finally flipped a switch, because she started to purr. We finally realized that Mo had a problem seeing- she has a bit of a lazy eye, and we don't think she could really focus on us that whole time. We must have just been giant scary monsters to her little kitten eyes! She's turned into the funniest little cat, full of personality, and always a Daddy's girl.

Be patient. Try the chicken baby food. And good luck!

Little Mo Peep:

Try some Feliway and/or a Feliway plug in diffuser. It mimics a cat's natural pheromones and calms them. If she's never been around dogs except barking loud ones at the shelter, that is one of the big stressors she's having to get used to. Her body physically associates the dog scent with the high stress shelter environment and it will take a while for that association to go away. Th Feliway will help, as will keeping close watch on your dog to be sure he does't try to play with her before she's ready. Even when they do start playing, if she runs, he will chase, and tht can trigger an automatic fear/flight response that can set them back.

She'll adjust to you a lot faster than she will a dog. And yes, another friendly cat that is used to dogs already could help.

Another vote for hand feeding, here. We fostered shelter cats and kittens for years (still do one litter per year) and my two "big guns" for skittish cats are hand feeding and face-washing.

I use human baby food chicken to hand feed, because they have to actually lick it off instead of just taking the treat to eat on their own, but if you're grossed out by that, kitty treats will work if you can find a brand she's crazy for.

re: face washing, this is another behavior that cats associate with a mother's love. Using a warm, damp washcloth, you can rub that area between their eyes and ears where the hair is thinner, all around their eyes and up to their ears. I wouldn't do this with a cat that hates being touched, but it's a good way to send out that "I'm here to help you" message to cats.

Best of luck to you and your new kitty :)

Another skittish cat owner here. I have grown up with all types of cats and this one is by far the most skittish non-feral cat I have ever known. When we rescued her, she had been mistreated by her previous owners. She was a kitten at the time and is now about 14 years old. She loves us very much, but will not allow us to hold her and her startle reflex is out of this world. She is the sweetest thing, and my favorite thing to do with her is turn on my electric blanket when she is on my bed, when it warms up, she is so relaxed and loves to be petted and loved on! (but don't think I can pick her up even then!) You will find ways to reach your kitty. I so wish she would cuddle with us, but like AuntJen's kitties, just have to be content to love her in the way she wants to be loved. There are so many other great things about her, and she has lived for 14 years in a warm and safe home, so I always find happiness with that!

Sounds a lot like my tabby, and she"s ten~~it could be the breed?? My girl gets on the bed every night, and although she doesn't curl up right next to me, the fact she's on the bed says a lot. When I pet her, she becomes a little purring machine! You might try scratching him on the bridge of the nose. I have yet to own a cat that doesn't love that, to the point where the little nose will start running. Lol

I think she'll adjust just fine, but may never have the type of personality your dd's cat has~~animals are no different than people in that respect.