"It is not the strongest of the species that survive, nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change." (Charles Darwin)

How true, Annie. I had the above quote printed out for my 92 year old DF, as he is flourishing in the assisted living home he moved into a few months ago. DB and I expected this fiercely independent man to crawl up in a ball and die when told he could not return to his home of 45 years after a fall. He didn't have to be told; he made the decision himself to move to the same facility DB and I had moved my DM into following his fall.

After struggling on his own for the past 5 years to care for my mother with Alzheimer's, he can now love her again without the corresponding weight of her physical care on her shoulders. He spends every evening with her, and speaks of her with such love in his voice and eyes ("your mother is still the prettiest woman there"; your mother was a perfect wife") you would think he was a 15 year old boy with his first crush. The staff frequently tell me they speak to their own spouses about his devotion.

Their relationship, as well as his residence, has changed dramatically, but he smiles all the time. His adaptation is remarkable.

Maybe that's helped him reach nearly 93...

Dee

Inspiring words on a Wednesday morning. Thank you.

I am watching a loved one grapple with the difficulties of change and uncertainty in many facets of his life, while maintaining sobriety and recreating himself. He recently emailed, "I'm trying to put a good plan into action - sort of treading water until the next wave come along; though maybe I'll need to swim down shore to catch it." I love your thought about mulligans, Annie. This is his mulligan and he's aware and grateful for the do-over opportunity.

I agree with dlm -inspiring words. Two great posts to start the day of... thanks Annie and Dee.

What a beautiful way to introduce the subject, Annie. And Dee's quote by Darwin is so perfect.

And yet for those who fear change, there are no words to make them understand. My MIL is living out her final years clinging to the sameness of a house that she can ill afford, living there lonely and alone, with dementia developing more rapidly because of the isolation. She's a social person and would thrive in an assisted-living environment, but it will never happen.

Yes, thanks. I have been reflecting on my own life change this past year. Taking 'Mom' in, combining our houses to reflect us instead of me...

Getting 'Mom' ready to go anywhere is a challenge. She forgets she is getting ready and just sits down. Leaving her home alone is not wise or possible, yet her mobility is greatly challenged. So we walk at a snails pace, with her looking straight at the ground. Instead of strollers, I am now loading walkers or canes... I just purchased a transport chair so that I can take her to Costco or infrequent visits to the mall.

Short term memory loss has made her The Queen of Redundacy. I make all of her meals, wash all of her clothes, distribute her pills and remind her to do the basics, like wash her hands (with soap) before meals. We tuck her in bed at night, with her resisting like a two year old... Yet she wakes up at noon if we don't put her to bed at 9:00.

I try my best not to let her wear the same clothes day after day and answer her questions like it is the first time she asked. She is shocked when I tell her how old she really is and how I have been part of her family for 30 years. She thinks we are newlyweds, bless her heart.

Yes, I never thought I could get this attached to 'Mom'. She used to drive me crazy. It has been a year of change, once again. I'm grateful for our shower lady who comes twice a week. She thinks her Dr has prescribed this and showering her is a battle I choose not to fight. She insists that she showers every single day.

I read her living trust like it is my bible. I am trying to make choices for her that she and 'Dad' prescribed. Yet we still find ourselves wrestling with death panel decisions like pace makers. Do we want to keep her body going when her brain is failing her? There is no mention of this scenario in her trust...

The comings & goings of life ARE life. Life, by definition, is alive, not static. Change is what is most reliable & constant.

Once we drop out of our thoughts & are really present, all these comings & goings are just fine with us. The more we stay in the egoic mind, on the other hand, which wants its own way & resists change at every turn, we will struggle & suffer.

When we make friends with the truth of change, we not only make peace with it, but we find it interesting, beautiful, exciting & amazing.

This is, indeed, timely for me. DH and I have just made a tremendous change in our lives. We sold our home in Virginia, downsizing to a small rental in South Carolina to be near DD2 and her family. All this has come about very very quickly, and AFTER we made the decision in early October, I spent two full months with the mindset: " I am doing this for DH so he can be near his daughter and her children, I will move and "put up with" living away from all my friends and away from my familiar surroundings, just for a year, until he gets this wanderlust out of his system".

BUT you know what? I came to the realization back in early December, when I was home alone, dealing with getting the house ready for selling, packing etc, that I can embrace this, make it an adventure, or I can sit and whine. After all, we are moving to the beautiful much-desired Charleston SC area. SO much to do, see, explore!!

SO,,,, long story, but I am going to be a NEW ME here. I am going to get out, meet people, (already had lunch with a KTer here), explore new places, This is really, truly, a wonderful opportunity for us in so many ways, I want to start the new year with a new mindset.

Thanks for all the thought-provoking words here.

Good for you, Jenna! I think you brought to life the last sentence I wrote-you are a living, breathing example of making friends with the truth of change & finding beauty & excitement in it. You had other choices. You could have stayed in resistance to it, & found nothing to your satisfaction in the new place.

Changes are coming & going quickly...sometimes without our even noticing them. You are noticing Jenna, perhaps even more in your new environment than you did in VA. Your sense of aliveness has been charged up! How nice for you.

Thank you SG for the kinds words, I sure wish I could be as eloquent and articulate as you! I always look forward to reading your posts, and always learn something. Gives me pause for thought!! I need to start keeping a journal, some of the wisdom finds a place in my heart, but I need to keep it close enough to reread so my HEAD will not forget it.

You bet I had other choices, I could have ;put my foot down' s some encouraged me to, and stayed there in the huge, safe, boring rut we had built for ourselves.I have always been terribly backward and introverted. Shy. And that is a topic for another post.............. but stepping 'outside my comfort zone' (as trite as that saying is now) has led me to making many new friends since I retired four years ago.

SO onward with the quest.... for wisdom, fun, and new experiences.

Please all of you, StinkyG, Annie, Graywings, Golddust, Dee, Bestyears, and DLM......you all are my inspiration.!!

This post was edited by JennaVA on Wed, Jan 9, 13 at 18:45

Thank you all for the wonderful responses.

Dee, you must be most thankful for having a Dad like you do. My mother had suffered when she was in her 70s with caring for her intractable parents who were in their 90s. (When she said to the visiting nurse, you must have patients who are worse than my father, the nurse replied, no...he's by far the very worst!) When she got ill and it was her turn, she made it her goal to do whatever I wanted to make it as easy as possible on me. It was one of so many acts of deep love my mother performed that seemed to come from a truly endless well, for which I am so grateful.

dlm, you are right....we often fear change, and yet change is exactly what gives us our 2nd and 3rd chance opportunities....I hope your friend finds the courage and persistence to avoid those demons. It's not easy, but it can be done. The good news about discipline is it's like a muscle and the more it's exercised, the stronger it gets. It's also often true that addicts are among the most sensitive...they often turn to chemicals (or gambling or overeating or shopping or hoarding...) to avoid their pain. It's really important that they find other ways of expressing and dealing with their feelings to stay on the right path.

Perhaps the article linked below will be of interest.

Here is a link that might be useful: Meditation and addiction

Thanks, bestyears.

Graywings, never say never. You know, literally everyone I know who was dealing with an elderly person, trying to maintain them at home, and then finally moving them into a professional setting, all told me that they should've done it sooner. The impact on their lives and the change in the relationship with the person under their care is so profound, all for the better.

Golddust, I'm asking the Universe to bring you strength. You are in a very tough situation and you'll need all the patience and courage you can muster to deal with it. It is absolutely essential that you get breathing space for yourself by getting some help in, even if it's just one afternoon a week. You need to take care of yourself so you can continue to care for her. Choose your battles....stay focused on what really is essential to her care and let the other stuff go so as not to make yourself totally crazy.

And as far as the living trust, remember it was written at a time when neither of them could foresee the future. Rather, it is her trust in you to do what you think is best for her that counts. This role reversal where the child becomes the parent is a difficult one, but just as a parent must choose over a child's objections what's best for them, so must the child choose when the parent is no longer capable of making reasoned choices.

Stinky Gardener....you're right. I'm assuming you've read "The Untethered Soul" by Michael A. Singer....

Jenna, your openness to change will allow adventure to happen...if you were closed to it, it would ensure it could not happen.

What I find most interesting about moving or traveling or starting a new job, is that first day, you don't know where you are, you don't know where to go, or what to do. As you learn your way around, it becomes familiar, normal, even boring. What's changed? Nothing about the place has changed....the streets are the same, the buildings are the same...what's changed is YOU. You've learned, you've grown, you've expanded, you've experienced. How exciting is that!

No, Annie! I've never heard of that author or that book, but I will definitely look it up. Thanks for the recommendation. I love discovering new books!

Speaking of books...I love Eckhart Tolle! I've gleaned much about presence & being & "The Power Now" from his writings. A New Earth, & Stillness Speaks are books I turn to again & again. The work of Byron Katie has been helpful too.

Lately I've been revisiting Trailrunner's favorite, Pema Chodron-she is awesome-so very wise, & down to earth. This week am also reading The Best Buddhist Writing of 2010 (yes, I'm a little late to that party!). It's a wonderful collection of essays. I adore the essays contributed by two men with whom I was not familiar: Norman Fischer & Daniel Silberberg (the best Buddhists seem to have had Jewish upbringings!). Again, so wise, so down to earth, with very accessible, unpretentious writing styles.

I also love many of the Christian classics, including the work of Thomas Merton, C.S. Lewis & Henry Nouwen. The female christian writers, Evelyn Underhill, Dorothy Day, Simone Weil & the 14th century mystic, Julian of Norwich are also favorites.

But back to your thread! It's wonderful of you to open up a conversation about such a vital topic that often goes unexplored. Btw, beautiful mountain photo! I notice you are drawn to incorporate visuals into your posts that speak to you!

From where I am right now, I cannot reconcile the spiritual things on this thread with the material concerns of home decor on the discussions side and, even more so, on the kitchen forum.

I don't have the range or the flexibility of mind to honor both simultaneously. Trying to exist in the middle makes me feel sick.

How does one fluidly switch from lofty mountaintop to tablescape?

Thank you Annie - I quickly skimmed that article and will read it later when I can give it my full attention. This will be something I can share with him and discuss - he is on a path and open to things in a new and profound way.

Jenna thank you for sharing your experience - you have no idea how that touches a nerve in me and I'm cheering your attitude adjustment and taking notes.

Stinky I just put The Best Buddhist Writing 2010 on reserve at my library and will pick it up this morning. After reading a few reviews I'm sure it will be a good one for me to read - I like/need to do my growth in small doses so short essays are perfect for me. I'm easily overwhelmed!!! Last year I was tested in ways I couldn't imagine, this year I know the tests that lie ahead, (at least some of them) so I'm looking for new tools for my personal growth/spiritual tool belt.

Dlm-terrific! Hope you like the book. Would love to hear your thoughts on it when you get a chance. May you find helpful people & books & whatever companions you need for the journey ahead.

Jamies, perhaps it is not Either/Or, but Both/And? We encounter the divine in the most mundane things. The "ordinary" is sacred. Each moment unfolding is so rich.

The quality of attention that one brings to whatever they are doing or are involved in is what makes the moment meaningful. So, if you are decorating your room, be in that room decorating, not thinking about next week's meeting, or what's for dinner tonight. Divine presence, holiness, *is* there as you work with your curtains, colors & furnishings! You need not head to the nearest "place of worship" (or mountain top) to encounter it.

Thanks S-G...you reminded me of a book that was one of my favorites growing up...I'll have to add it to the other thread...."The Keys of the Kingdom" by AJ Cronin.

A lot of the people mentioned are people that have been on Oprah's Super Soul Sunday...you might enjoy it if you haven't seen it.

I haven't read Pema Chodron yet, though my friend highly recommends it...I'll have to follow through on that one.

jamies, interesting question. I view decorating my soul and decorating my space as part and parcel of the same quest for adding value to my life and the life of others. My decorating is an outlet for my creativity which does my soul good. When I create a space that welcomes others it does their soul good. Friends have told me how much they enjoy spending time at my house...not sure if it's me or the house, but it doesn't matter...it helps bring them to a space where they can de-stress, relax, share and heal. A place for love and laughter. I'm delighted by that, which is good for my soul. And I know too that a building is just a building until it is filled with people. A house isn't a home until it is filled with love.

I am reminded of the effort that the buddhist monks put into sand mandalas who painstakingly spend days creating exquisite works of art out of millions of grains of sand, which they then ritually destroy.

Here is a link that might be useful: Sand mandala

Yes, mandalas...cathedrals. Every spiritual tradition has a physical expression of beauty to serve as a reminder, an icon, of the holy. Today we have billboards!

Beauty is a portal into the sacred.

Well, my library has a copy of "Untethered" but it is checked out. I put it on hold. Remarkably, it does not have Cronin's book. I'll look for it elsewhere. Thanks again Annie!

Thanks, Annie. DB and I are indeed blessed with my DF's ability to adjust, and mention it to each other several times a week when we speak.

Our luck is particularly contrasted to DB's MIL, who was forced into an assisted living home right after Christmas, and arrived spitting in her daughter's face and hitting her son with her cane, while screaming that she hated them.

It is, indeed, a gift my father is giving us, much like your beloved mother gave you.

Dee

SG, it's available on Amazon.

Our state has a state-wide library catalog where you can search for books anywhere and one town's library card is sufficient to borrow out of any of the public libraries in the state.....so I've been lucky at finding books I want at other libraries in the area...don't know if your state has something similar....

Here is a link that might be useful: Keys of the Kingdom

Yes. Cleaning toilets, welcoming friends and family. Cooking and caring. Learning and growing. Experiencing the present. Embracing change always...

'Mom' is the third elder I have welcomed to my house. The last two were from my side. My DH never complained and now it is time to repay him. I am doing it gladly. That said, I am giving myself a vacation next week. I have hired help and am headed to Florida for 8 days. I'm hoping I don't get home sick. Lol.

Deeinohio, your father's embrace of life as it shows up is an inspiration! There are many people who are a fraction of his age, living in relative splendor, who fail to see the richness of each day the way your father seems to while living under fairly humble conditions. What a treasure.

He is clearly a man who loves with all his heart. I suspect his approach to life has been to not ask what life can do "for" him, but to seek more often what he can bring to life & to others. At 92 he embodies a giving & generous spirit.

Thanks for the link, Annie. The excerpt looks very interesting...I love Amazon. Maybe I could look into an inter-library loan too.

Golddust- enjoy your vacation!

I agree with Stinky, Dee. My own Mother was much like him. She went with the flow and embraced every change she experienced.

'Mom', OTOH, is the polar opposite. Her world has been so small for her entire life, it seems possible that her brain abandoned her because of complete boredom.

I agree with Stinky, Dee. My own Mother was much like him. She went with the flow and embraced every change she experienced.

'Mom', OTOH, is the polar opposite. Her world has been so small for her entire life, it seems possible that her brain abandoned her because of complete boredom.

Graywings my MIL lived like yours for 10 years. As soon as my FIL died we asked her to come live with us, but she felt she was better off maintaining her independence for as long as possible. Eventually, when the dementia got to the point that she could not live alone, we brought her to live with us.

It was immediately apparent that all of us had wasted the previous ten years of her life. We loved having her here and there is no question we greatly improved her quality of life. If only we could go back and do it all again, sigh.

I won't make that mistake with my own parents. When I see they are too isolated from others and I suspect they would be happier elsewhere, I'll be twisting their frail arms to get them moving!

Life interrupted and I missed this beautiful post last month. Fortunately, I found it today and want to thank Annie et al. Annie, you are a poet with an eye for majesty.

I think the thoughts shared are wonderful reminders on resilience, not only when dealing with the elderly but with any time truly difficult adaptation becomes mandatory.

As the saying goes: This much I know is true. I can and have intellectually and spiritually embraced the beauty of the transitory. I have truly tried to emotionally do so as well all of my life. Still, as I age I am learning sometimes the subtleties and the full force realities require more than glancing courage -- at least for me. There comes a time, knowing full well that journeys have their own cycles and life unfolds as it should more easily when we allow change however bittersweet, when my innermost resources of trusting the process come under assault. We move from conceptualizing what SG eloquently advocates to being challenged to live it minute by minute, and we can do so with more grace or less. Reading all of your thoughts and looking at Annie's beautiful pix in this thread and the Favorite Dream Trip one has been soul soothing. Thank you!

I hope that others who may have missed the wisdom shared will also find it comforting. This post is one I've bookmarked.

This post was edited by abundantblessings on Mon, Feb 4, 13 at 15:21

Thank you, abundant blessings. Your words are most appreciated.