I think it's wrong for him to make such a drastic financial decision without your vote too. i think it's wrong for him to make such a life changing decision without you feeling comfortable with it. I think him being a clean freak and not putting his foot down on her disgusting habits is absolutely disrespectful towards you.. especially since you are the one cleaning it up. If he is the absolute love of your life and you think you can't live without him, then i would suggest (and maybe this is crazy) getting a house with a connected inlaw suite situation and putting her in it!Maybe then you can have "family time" when it is right for you. i know i will get criticized on that one.. ok it does sound crazy lol..but this child doesn't seem too concerned with anyone else, does she? Kids aren't stupid. They know what they're doing.If you can afford it, get her counseling and keep her busy with summer programs. In the long run, kids like a little discipline and order, whether they realize it or not. You've got to start all over with this girl and decide to make her new upbringing a project you both agree to or.. well.. RUN!!! The only reason i'm not starting my input out with "RUN!!!" is because i live with my boyfriend and he is the sweetest, warmest, kindest boyfriend ever. However, when his girls disrespect me he puts his foot down because he knows i'm taking on alot. They are over every other weekend and the only reason i am taking on this situation (not wanting kids AT ALL)is because he deserves my love and attention. He is all the things most women crave in a boyfriend and i love him dearly. We have a great relationship, so i put up with life being not what i planned on. Having said that, if we were to break up, THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO WAY I WOULD DATE SOMEONE WHO HAD KIDS, unless they were adults and out of the house and normal and excessively kind to me. i stopped mid way through your story and said a prayer for you.. and i'm not even religious. If he can't make this situation easier for you, and you still want to see him, then do so, from the luxury of your own clean, dreamy place. If he can't compromise, let him clean up his own mess. We've got to stop supporting men who can't support the things we hold dear.

Black Susan, I want to thank you for being brave and expressing your true emotions. Those judges who have not walked in your shoes should be banned, but I guess that makes a forum. I am living your life! I have a BPD SD 18....when I hear her voice, I cringe. She is so evil and devious. Her mother was also BPD and just commit suicide in March. I too love my husband but can also envision my life far away from them. I sometimes feel trapped in hell. I stumbled upon this form because I was in search of Daughter/father odd relationships. A friend brought to my attention that the BPD SD is probably jealous. She is also 95% of the reason we fight. Whenever a fight erupts, SD is right by her father in weird ways. When we are not fighting, she does what she can to get him alone. We have four children combined (all teens) and none have this issue. I once had serious concerns but watching carefully, it was SD who was trying to be more than close. I've been with them for 12 years now. The stories I could tell!!! I'm either weak or gluten for punishment. I have tried so many things. I've researched BPD, gone to therapy, family therapy....Just recently in the past year, people have seen the real monster. Just after her mothers suicide, things are making more sense to my husband. I too am on other forums, specifically for BPD....so much compassion for the disease!! These parents take a beating over and over. This is not my kid and I should be able to place boundaries, yet I am stopped and MUST tolerate because of her illness and because of the guilt her father feels. The bio mom sexually abused her and she was in foster care 3 weeks before released to her father. Uggh! So much to say...I'm sure you all have similar stories. I've had it! I know why you had an outburst. I've been there. The lies, the deceit, the con artist is enough to drive you crazy! For the past few years, I record anything that has to do with HER....she lies so much and I am always on defense. I used to just stay quiet when family would ask about our situation. I flat out give the truth and I don't care anymore. One of her goals is to go live with a wealthy aunt. (she was there a year and screwed that up). She has literally threatened me that if I tell her the truth of what goes on here, she will make my life more miserable. Entitlement!!! You earn privileges!! She graduated from a dump school and feels she gets a big party.....I refused to be involved. My house is invaded. I would love to hear from all of you who are experiencing this pain. I understand the anger, resentment and frustration. Krystal

Pennylane-- I don't want to be guilty of encouraging you to flout the advice of your counselor (who is a professional, and I of course am not), but I would encourage you to discuss with him the idea of you dealing with SD directly when it comes to the more vague issues of "attitude" and "respect". With appropriate assertiveness (not passiveness or aggressiveness) and without meting out "punishments" per se, but more of a *discussion* with her. Run it by him and see if he might reconsider his advice somewhat. I say this, again, not because I am in a position to have an "expert" opinion on blended families, but because I am a stepdaughter, and one common thread among other stepchildren I know is that the SP/SK relationship is made so much worse when it is perceived that one or more parties is being "manipulative" or is untrustworthy, and this perception results from an INDIRECT approach. Whether it's the SK or the SP doing it, it spells the beginning of the end for a decent relationship. You don't want to risk creating an impression to your SD that you are two-faced, passive-aggressive or are "hiding behind" your DH and expecting him to fix all of your interpersonal problems (including the one with SD) for you. Aside from eroding trust and encouraging similarly indirect behavior on SD's part, I dare say it also undermines the very thing you seek to improve in the situation: her respect for you. I can honestly say that the number one factor that has made me fully give up on having any sense of respect for my SM or any desire to "work with her" is exactly this sort of thing. If she had had the guts to actually TELL ME if/when something I did/said/was upset her, instead of resorting to the little digs (with a big grin) she felt were her only permitted recourse to express her displeasure with me, I would have seen her as not only a person worth respecting but also as an honest human being who I'd WANT to be close to. It was very hard for me to see her as a fully-formed ADULT WOMAN when she was constantly "tattling" to my Dad about whatever her grievances were. Moreover, in her case she drastically distorted the things she relayed to him which painted me in the worst possible light, and since these things were never discussed with ME directly, I had no chance to explain (or in certain cases just plain CORRECT) some of the misperceptions, so it was pretty much impossible to see her as trustworthy or as an agent of anything other than discord in my relationship with my father. Therefore, she never earned my genuine respect, nor my desire to "work with her" even though her tantrums to MY DAD made it so I was terrified for years to do or say anything to upset the apple cart. So she got her surface compliance out of my stuffing myself for years, but it certainly didn't improve ---and in fact severely worsened--- anything deeper between us than the shallowest "hi, how's it going"/"oh, fine..." And I dare say I don't think it helped her relationship with my Dad. For several reasons, but one of them being that expecting him to "fix" something that is so inherently vague and emotional and open to perception as "attitude" and "respect" is pretty much impossible, and no one knows this more than the bio-parent in the middle. It's one thing to have clear rules/consequences for clear actions or infractions. For example, an eye-roll is clear enough to be called out ***IF HE SEES IT HAPPEN***... But the problem comes in when/if it happens when he is not around, due to the underlying distrust and disrespect which will be made no better by the "hiding behind DH" approach. Please at least run this by your counselor. I'm not a professional, but I did experience this from the other side, and I think if you ask other adult SK's on here they'll agree with me.

Well, it's not like waiting for her to grow up, if it works for her she is not going to stop. Your husband favoring his daughter is never going to change either. The only chance for that to change is when you tell him you want a divorce. Then you will find out if he loves you enough to support your feelings. In the mean time protect your assets if you have any and make plans for the break.