Sands, I am you. I hate that I am like that, but I am. I know that the stress has taken a toll on my health. And this year, I finally stopped cooking the Christmas dinner thing, and took the whole family out to a restaurant and told them that I will not be cooking the Christmas thing again. So, even though I did lots to create less stress, just having them all come...my own kids and grandkids for crying out love...the people I love most in the world...and I still was stressed. I love the entertaining part, and setting a gorgeous table, and showing off my food, but I hate the stress, the crowds, etc. I do much better with only one guess at a time. I think I may be an entertainment freak.
Sherry

Oh! And I never, ever, ever run out of food. I have been to parties where they did, and I would rather die than let that happen. I just hate that I stress out. Why can't I have fun with it. And why, since it creates so much stress, do I keep doing it over and over again. Wish I was more laid back.

Xanax. ;)

I'm in the Annie camp...I do my best to have a clean house, cook good food, set a lovely table...but I don't stress out...I just do it.
For years I would entertain DH's office staff and cheese makers and their spouses for dinner. I would go to the 'nt degree...making everything even the jam and jelly etc etc...
And these people mostly wouldn't know bottled dressing from home made. Finally I figured out that I could buy rolls, salad dressing, meat sauce...use frozen vegetables and if I made a couple of pies, I was amazing!
I am not rattled by unexpected guests, I know they dont' expect a fancy centerpiece and my best Irish linen and polished silver napkin rings. So I set the table with nice plece mats, use my 2nd best linen napking and perhaps skip the napkin rings....but I can always poof something...I'll serve drinks and a wedge of the ever present Maytag blue with crackers and perhaps celery sticks if I have some...thaw something, slap it on the grill..hope I have greens for a salad, decide on potato, rice or pasta for a side..go to the freezer for veggies and a loaf of bread. If there is nothing but raisen bread I will make corn bread or popovers....and in an hour, we have a very nice dinner.
I like impromptu...if I uissue invitations 3 weeks in advance....then I feel all should be durned near perfect....but once the guests arrive, I chill and enjoy. I feel I have done what I can....and that's that.
Linda C

I have that disease! Thanksgiving nearly did me in. I was totally exhausted to the point where DH asked if he should take me to the hospital!

After I retired, I invited "the girls" from work to come to my house for lunch. I was so busy making complicated dishes. The girls showed up. I removed my CIA apron...and had on an old holey t-shirt and sweatpants! Although I had showered and put hair and makeup together, I had put on comfy clothes for cooking and forgot to changed into my nice casual clothes! They just thought it was my new retired look! LOL

You had an eight hour dinner party?! You deserved a nap. Even my most informal get-togethers don't last that long.

Fortunately, everyone probably thought you were having trouble getting the kids to bed and weren't concerned that you weren't around.

I used to wear myself out getting ready for a dinner, but the last time we had the family over, in early December, I got everything at Whole Foods.

Since it was a party for my DD and grandson, there was no way I could prepare food with a two year old helping. It was the best party I ever gave - the food was spectacular - it didn't cost any more than the outrageous amount I usually spend, and I didn't have to prepare it. I've never done that before, but I can assure, I will do it again.

I had a ball, everyone was well fed and quite impressed with the food, and I gave Whole Foods all the credit. I was certainly in a better mood when the party was over.

Hey no fair, don't the guys get to have Host Disease?

My wife does most of the day to day cooking but all the parties and big events fall to me- and we have quite a few. We have a dozen guests fairly often and occasional big events.

I have a distinct advantage over some of you in that I don't have to worry about any other part of the house but the kitchen. Suzanne has a skin care business in the home and she has to keep it looking pretty nice every day, so the big parties don't require too much extra.

The kitchen is mine, all mine. I approach it much like I did when I was the restaurant guy in charge (in another life). I'll do the menu planning a week or two in advance depending on the complexity, and do the major shopping a week up to a couple days in advance. For the big complex menus, I do as much prep as is feasable the night before so I can concentrate on the final production the next day. Invaribly though there is still a ton of prep on the big day.

On show day, I get up pretty early, do the remaining prep, even putting spices in bowls, etc. I create a timing list starting backwards from serving time, marking each procedure and time, all the way to the first item (9am slice the potatoes, 9:30 make the batter, 10:15 pre-heat oven, etc). For me, this is crucial in order to remember the side dishes on the stove top, the rolls in the oven, etc, especially for that last hour of complete kitchen insanity when it's all coming down to the wire: the exhaust vent is working overtime, three of my four arms holds a whisk, a knife, and a big spoon, my forth arm is wiping perspiration from my brow, and the guests are engaging me in conversations.

I do love it and I'm compelled and motivated by the challenge and final goal, but it's a workout. I'm not the tower of strength that I used to be, although my will power is strong enough to push me through the ankle pain that plagues me during the long days in the kitchen. I'm prone to stress but all the planning and my timing notes get me through the worst of that.

I usually get to sit down with the guests, but at that point I am so loaded with adrenalin, I can barely appreciate the food.

When they finally leave, I clean the mess. I hate waking up to a disaster in the kitchen so I'll be up way past midnight, dragging my weary butt and wincing from the ankle pain. It's a rare guest who is able to talk me into allowing their help with the cleanup although more are able to get past my barrier than in bygone days.

Ultimately, as most of you know, it's worth it. It's like making it to the top of Mt Everest. Most of the time when the place is clean and the event is officially and completely over, I'll spend 20 glorious minutes in the hot tub soothing the bones and visiting a quiet place to reflect a great evening with friends.

michaelp

Oh you guys just made my day! I may be nuts but at least I'm hanging out in the right tree.

Shaun my husband leaf-blower'ed the garage and powr-washed the deck before the party.

Weed, you suck lol, your mom better be pretty stanking cool when she's not schitz'ing or I'll resent that comparison ;-)

I feel for all of you who get your Underoos in a bunch and I envy all of you who don't and please feel free to surcie me something from your medicine cabinet =-D

I definitely do not have this disease - although when I was very young (around 22), I might have had a touch of it. I'm much more casual when I entertain, and I like to have guests who will come early and help. Sometimes this works, but usually not very much. Still, I consider the gathering of people to be the main focus when entertaining, and if that is working, then everything else is secondary.

I have more experience as one who has been conscripted by others to help them get ready, and this might help explain my casual attitude. My friend Maartje always had to work at Thanksgiving (when she managed restaurant), but her husband Jimmy always wanted a traditional Thanksgiving dinner at home, and so I would go to their house and do all the work while he watched horrible (and loud) football games on TV. At one point I made him turn the sound very low so that I wouldn't have to listen to it. I also have to do most of the work at Thanksgiving or Christmas when I visit my parents, and especially so this year. I have no desire to impress anyone with my cooking skills, but they end up being impressed anyway. My sister will sometimes offer to help with something, but she has to be extremely closely supervised, and I'm trying to loosen up on that. If I'm not careful, however, she'll add an unwanted ingredient.

Lately I've gone to some potluck picnics that a friend chef (who teaches at the Pasadena Cordon Bleu school) hosts, and these have been very enjoyable. I tend to prefer this type of get-together to a situation where only one person is in charge. At the last picnic, someone from Sonoma brought home-made goat cheese, made from milk from goats that she had milked herself. It was excellent!

Lars

Finally, a diagnosis. I can't believe all the posts in just one day. This one is like a magnet or is the perverbial "moth to a flame".

I used to be like alot of you, the cleaning to immaculateness and worrying about a piece of dirt. I think it is the fear that someone will discover we are not perfect. Well, I am not perfect and I can accept that.

As I have grown alot older and managed to develop a "dinner party routine" it has become so much easier. And, frankly, I get too tired to care. If I am having different groups of people over, I tend to cook the same thing for all of them. That way, it is routine. One group we belong to of about 25 people is fun, but the hostess has only the main dish and everyone else brings the rest as a potluck type meal. We set up 4 to 5 tables throughout the house so everyone has a place to sit. Most of them have grown older and don't want to cook, so we eat at restaurants. We are having the Christmas Party this year, so it will be a bit of a challenge. Maybe we'll go out to dinner first and have dessert back here.

I have fun setting different table settings and even more fun shopping for the linens and decorations to go with them. I am table cloth poor right now. I quit buying. Also having separate dishwasher proof dishes and stainless that I use for guests helps. A remodel of the old kitchen that now makes it more convenient helps, too.

So, in view of that I try to make it fun and as easy as possible with the food. I cook ahead and plan what to do when, a number of days in advance so that I know what is going to happen. I do get really tired of being on my feet now so it is a big deal to stand all day long preparing.

You know, after looking at all the delicious recipes and innovative ideas that you all have on this forum, I can only say don't stress out. I know your dinner parties must be very well appreciated by your guests.

Oh my God. I'm not the only one! Many years ago, we had 50 guests to a party that I prepped for 3 days. Took off work, everything from scratch. Exhausted when guests arrived. They were good friends in a car club. Someone had brought Ozo(?). I took a couple of swigs, retired to the bed and slept though the entire thing! Woke up to a clean house. Friends and husband had taken over the party and cleaned after the event. Embarassed? No, just grateful!

Shaun, I laughed until I cried!

Now I'm retired and a stressed out hostess. At Thanksgiving we had 4 Canadian friends plus ourselves. The Canadians had hosted us for 4 days earlier in the year and I wanted to reciprocate. At some point in the process, three of them ended outside the kitchen staring at me working and I just closed my eyes and said "Out!!!". Now I know one of the couples we met will be down here (in FL) later in Jan or in Feb. and I want to have them and our friends over. Yeah, like they want to do it? Anyway, I've planned homemade pasta, alfredo (the cheese is in the freezer because we can't buy it in our little town--it came from Whole Foods). The pasta will be served with grilled shrimp and asparagus. I've warned my husband that he will have to grill the shrimp. With this menu, the cooking will be done in 5 minutes. If we cooperate. Unfortunately, I do the grilling, not him. Guess we should practice!

I just told him about this thread. He shook his head and agreed with everyone else. Oh my god, it happening again!!!

Shaun, I laughed until I cried. My husband stays in the house--doesn't dare leave!

Well - at least you all didn't throw yourself a Happy 21st birthday party like I did and get totally drunk and pass out before the guests even showed up.

My roommate and I went a wee bit overboard tasting the Hunch Punch to make sure it was JUST right.

this is so refreshing to read !!!!!!! it's an epidemic.
Nice to know I'm "normal" .

Shaun, is that anything like Scott standing on a chair to clean - dust - the top of the fridge???

"NO ONE IS GOING TO LOOK ON THE TOP OF THE FRIDGE - HELP ME WITH SOMETHING USEFUL!!!!!!!!"

I can tell that when he was a kid that's the one job his mother always gave to him. And the only one he knows.

I'm glad to know my DH isn't the only one who decides to do random tasks like rearranging furniture, trimming the shrubs, mowing the lawn, or cleaning the gutters an hour before guests are due to arrive. Why now?!?! And then it's "Oh boy, guess I'd better get in the shower!" Aaack.
Or, love him, trying to help by emptying the dishwasher in our skinny galley kitchen as I'm cooking, tripping over him all the while. They mean well...they really do.

You have no idea how happy it makes me that there is a name for my explosive hostess symptoms. And others have it too!!!! And their husbands are like mine...absent until its guest time then they are a guest!!!

Shaun I think my MIL laid to us, she didn't have twins she must have had triplets because my husband does the same exact things. Big dinner party, wife going crazy, kids fighting to no end, and the most important thing that needs to be done is to put the summer furniture in the garage attic and clean/departmentalize the garage hours before the party...I think not! But he does it anyway! Oh then he takes his shower, "powders", and guy stuff up until the first guest show up. Saunters down and starts to enjoy himself. Arrgghhh.

But I do love to entertain eventhough no one really reciprocates any more. We are down to a precious few. Sad. You can drive around our town on Friday/Saturday night and rarely do you see any extra cars parked in driveways or roads. No wants to take the time required to do it in their home. But try and get a reservation on those nights here...faagettaboutit.

Now that my kids are older they have been doing passing, clearing, refilling of food/beverages (for pay of course otherwise NOT) but it has helped me to start to enjoy my parties.

Maybe when we are over this financial crunch we are in, I will do have some folks over again.

This was the best post.

Heidi

ANother one with a DH who picks strange things to do on party days. Change the oil in the car.... himself, decide that the downstairs storage room is an embarrassment and must be dealt with, trim the hedge, clean the garage..on and on.

He also is one who thinks he is a guest when folk arrive and has no trouble reminding me that the oven is on! LOL

Yep Stacy JUST like that! Oh I also didn't mention that I'll tell hubs a few days before hand that I need him to pressure clean the front porch and patio area before a party. He is glad to do it - an HOUR before they all get here and then their feet are wet when they walk in! Ooooooh that burns me up!

Oh yes Heidi, he does that too! He'll go sweep the garage and clean off his work bench. You should see our garage. It's a freaken Home Depot look alike. Built in Cabinets, everything in order in little boxes or jars. If I stick something out there, a broom or a mop...... he brings it right back into the house!

When we first moved here, he did nothing inside this house until he got his garage all pimped out. I'm talking built in cabinets, built in stereo system, hooks on the walls to hold various tools, he built dollies with wheels to put heavy stuff on so he can easily roll it around when he needs it, put in electrical outlets, special lighting, a shoe rack. Meanwhile, there wasn't a single thing done inside.

I wish I still had the photos I took. I took pics of every angle of the garage and then took pictures of every single room inside and made it into a little album. Every wall was the same, a blank wall. You couldn't tell which room was which because I only photographed the blank wall. And I'd caption the pics, Dining Room (blank wall), Living Room (blank Wall)..... then the garage and it was ALL decorated! hahaha! I showed him and he thought that was hilarious. I didn't.

mandogirl, stacy, and others RE DH - ROFL - that is EXACTLY what happens at our house -- Why can't our priorities ever be the same?! and yes, I always love the, "well, I better jump in the shower..." (what?! there are 3 things to prep yet and the dining room table crap still needs to be shoved in a box and thrown in the laundry room and who is going to vacuum?!....)

Love the DH stories. The last time we entertained with a nice lunch buffet, I was cleaning both the inside and outside because not sure where everyone was going to sit. DH was off pruning the oak trees on the bottom of the 2.5 acres, as if anyone was going to see them. I would have really appreciated it if he had cleaned the deck furniture and blown off the deck. After all this lunch was for his family!!!
Clare

shaun, you are funny, "until he got his garage all pimped out" !!!

I got a mental of a pink cadillac, parked in there, lol............

You DH builds a fine perfume cabinet, though........

Most if not all of you have wonderful "dear husbands!" I've even met a few of them.

I remember one occasion just watching my ex as he sat in "his" chair and didn't even get up and offer to take coats from our guests. Hmmmmmm......? Why didn't I pay more attention then....?

Thanks Mitch! Hahahah!!!!! a Pink Cadillac!!

You should see what he did to our golf cart during Xmas... well, here look for youself:

{{gwi:1471915}}

Oh Dear....I thought I had only loving memories of parties my late (and great!!) DH did together....but I am remembering on the morning of my daughter's wedding, with the bride tossing her cookies ( don't mention tequila shots!!) unwelcome and openly hateful relatives arriving, decorations that I needed to supervise at the church and at the club....and...he hauled out the ladders and talked DS into helping him paint the trim on the front of the bouse!!!!
AARGH!!
Linda C

So sorry I'm slow in getting to this party,Sands, you hit the nail on the head! Yep, I've got a rip roaring case of Hostess Disease! I couldn't stop laughing and nodding at all 58 posts, who knew that the rest of you suffered, I just thought it was my feelings of inadequacy! LOL!
DH do something before the party? Oh yeah, this year before our open house buffet he decided to hang the shaving mirror that we bought months before---AND found out that they forgot to pack the screw which secures the mirror on the wall bracket! Yes, there it was, he was going to show off the new bathroom and we have a strange metal circle on the cabinet wall. Cute, real cute! Oh don't forget about filling the bird feeder in the garden! No dear, the birds aren't our guests today...!
Seriously, it's refreshing to see that I'm not alone. I did inherit this disease, DM has a terrible case of it too!
One thing I did this year is let my guests bring food if they asked if they could help in advance. It may not have been my "perfect menu" but it was good and I didn't have to do a thousand things by myself!
One more thing that helps ease stress is to hire someone to help in the kitchen. It takes away some of the immediate craziness and the later exhaustion!

Shaun, can I borrow your DH for a while? Our garage is a disorganized wreck! I bought DH a toolbox for Christmas a few years ago, because he kept going out and buying tools that he couldn't remember where he put. Well, the toolbox is nearly empty, and he still has to go out and re-buy tools because he forgot where he put them. Arrgh!

I had 17 people over 2 days after Christmas, all family from both sides. Two days earlier I had a Christmas dinner for just the immediate family. Well, I was stressed for both dinners, and even though I thought I had planned well, the events snuck up on me. When the big family dinner came, I realized that everything I had planned on making had to be baked. I started baking at 3 in the morning, but still didn't serve until nearly 9:00 pm. Luckily, I had lots of munchies, cheese plates, veggie plates and chips, so people could eat, but boy, I was sooo stressed. In spite of the late dinner, I think everyone enjoyed themselves. I sure learned a lot. I'm not used to entertaining, but in spite of the stress, I want to do it again.

I'm so glad that I'm not the only one.

Sally

Holy smokes, am I the only DH that helps around the kitchen? I'm not entirely normal...

I watched football for about the second time in a decade just this weekend when my wife made me cook for my own birthday party; I hooked a portable TV up in the kitchen and watched while I prepped.

I'm actually a strong willed big 'ol stubborn lug like the rest of them but I do love the big event cooking.

Come on give me a couple comments about how great the 'ol guy is in the kitchen...err...cooking.

michaelp

My dh is very helpful except...the day of events when he decides to: change all the air filters, add a light to the stereo cabinet so he can play music easier, clean out the gutters, put a new bag in the vacuum cleaner, pressure wash, change the sheets on the bed, organize his closet, ....the list is endless!
It makes me want to scream, or at least it used to, as I run around trying to make everything perfect and all I want is for him to help me vacuum and tidy up.
But I do tend to do the Martha thing, for instance, when guests go into the laundry room, there must be no clothes laying around-- such as a big wad of sheets. I want everything in the whole house to look the way I want it because we usually have guests who want a tour of the house. He wants this to...to a degree!

I honestly believe that the men do what they do to be industrious so we can't say they were doing nothing.

In all fairness, my Dh is a great BBq'er. I may have to buy, season, hand, outfit with tools, light, and plate his bbq efforts but damn that boy knows how to fire proteins!

Oh and the other fun thing the y chromos do: show up when the guests arrive and play bartender like they are equal part of the hosting effort. ::roll eyes:: If I woulda done 2 shots of Lemoncello I coulda gone to bed with the kids at 5 and you could have served dinner, garcon. ;-)

What a great thread - obviously this is a "common disease" that has bitten us all at one time or another. One thing that has really helped me the past two years are the cookbooks by Diane Phillips - The Do-Ahead Diva. She has whole menus, from appetizers to desserts, that can 90% be done ahead of time and either frozen or refrigerated. She even plans meals so that everything that goes in the oven heats or reheats at the same temp, just in case you only have one oven. I've done 4 very large dinner parties with her cookbooks and have not only found the recipes to be wonderful, but was able to spend way more time with our guests and enjoyed the whole process so much more. Diane Phillips is my new heroine!

It sounds like most guys retreat to their comfort level and it ain't the kitchen or vacuum cleaner.

Michael, I would treat you like a King! DH watched football while I spent 3 hours installing a 32" flush mount lighting fixture holding one end with my head while trying to affix the other end with my hands while standing on an 6' ladder. Wait a minute, I treat my DH like a king. But...he is one great guy in the scheme of things.

Karen, I'm going to get the book that you recommended. I found it for $3.34 + S&H.

Cathy? Were you also wearing high heels?
roflmao!!!!!!!

Michael you sound like the man of my dreams, lol! Not all men don't help in the kitchen or housecleaning, but there is definately a considerable cohort. On the other hand, some people, (like my mom, for example) have such extreme hostess disease that it makes it almost impossible to actually help her, she becomes uber-stressed and it's hard to be around. The best thing to do is just find something to do in the garage . . .

The thing is, we put these huge expectations on ourselves. I am really trying to pare down my entertainment issues. My problem is I absolutely love to cook, RARELY get a chance to do it, so when I do entertain, it is hard to stop from going overboard. I don't think I become a harpie, but I don't enjoy the party, which defeats the purpose a bit, doesn't it? I mean, I want my guests to enjoy themselves, but if I'm miserable and exhausted it is a no-win situation.

These "afflictions" are great!

Got to give DH a "kitchen job" -- my DH now grills the turkey every Thanksgiving! It's a spectator sport for all the guys. I got DH a new grill for his birthday (so he'd grill more...wink, wink). I told the salesman that they should put a "turkey cam" inside the Weber grills so that the guys wouldn't raise the lid to look at it. I thought the poor man was going to fall down laughing. A remote thermometer works great, BTW.

Cameron

I always plan dinner parties for a Sunday afternoon. I spend all day Saturday cleaning and shopping, then cook Sunday morning. It's exhausting,yes, and I'll often take Monday off from work.

Shaun, No heels, I was barefooted. I was eager anxious to get the light fixture up before the party and DH said he would help as soon as the football game was over. Like I was going to wait for that! It turned out pretty good...

Hey!! GREAT discussion!

And you can count me in on the Hostess Disease Club -- I stress and fuss so much -- and then neglect to leave any time to get myself ready for the party ---- so I look horrible! LOL!

My DH really helps out -- BUT in took years of training! And Yes -- he has mopped the kitchen floor 15 minutes before the guests arrived! BUT he has really learned to be a host -- and get the first round of drinks, make sure that folks are eating -- and keeping folks laughing and talking!

And he is the BEST about cleaning up the kitchen! We both come from LONG histories of families who would stay up until the wee hours of the morning to clean up after a party! Can't face any mess in the morning!

But I will note that the MORE parties that I give --- the less stressed I become -- practice really does help! LOL!

Oddly enough -- our very BEST parties are the impromptu ones -- where there is NO time to prepare -- and the party just happens .....

((But I still manage to forget to leave time for MY own personal party prep!))

Oh Cathy that looks beautiful!! You did good!

Nice job, Cathy. You're a nicer person than I am, I would have pulled the plug on that football game until the light fixture was up, LOL, it would have been a darned quick job then!

I'm looking forward to parties with Elery. He cooks and cleans, and we've agreed that he cooks and I bake and we clean up together. We plan to do all the cooking ourselves for the reception/party when we get married, and we have three unmarried daughters. We've agreed that we'll do all the cooking for those receptions too, when the time comes. We both like the process, neither of us gets cranky and the only problem we have is that I have one stove/oven, so while he's trying to cook, I'm trying to bake.

Oh, and Michael? He's great in the kitchen. (grin)

Annie

Annie, actually I wasn't being nice, it was an opportunity to create leverage. I use it at opportune times. Poor baby. That's wonderful to hear that you and Elery are going to collaborate on the reception.

David/Lakeguy is great in the kitchen too!

Teacats, This Christmas Eve Party I was all dressed up but when my first guests arrived, they pointed out that I didn't have shoes on.

Not only do I get stressed out- I get grumpy! My DH says I always pick a fight with him around 3-4 before a dinner party. I say he picks a fight with me. I never cooked much before and now in retirement in my new home I find I am having people for dinner about once a week. I am learning to make ahead etc., but still the stress level is mind-boggling.
I am learning that the food is less important than the fact that your guests didn't make it, but still..
I stress about the tablecloth and the flowers and lord knows what else. I always ruin or burn something. Last week I made hockey pucks when heating the rolls. Put an extra loaf of sour dough on after and then a guest came in the kitchen and saw that loaf SAIL across the kitchen onto the floor.
My DH does help, he cleans as I go a lot, but he loves to say "I"m so tired,I am going to take a nap" with 45 minutes to go. He is great at cleaning up after-he always washes all the wine glasses by hand, has a special rack that he sets up for them to air dry. In fact, if I were doing my kitchen over, I would add a second d/w or d/w drawer for party clean-up.

I'm not sure, but I think so...home has to be way cleaner than normal;
although the cooking and kitchen cleaning doesn't bother me. I'm a Good scratch/staple cook. Most people like anything that I fix unless they have an aversion totally to the dish. I got interested in scratch cooking due to allergic family members, family members with meal restrictions, etc. Now, if making sure: diabetic/heart/low carb, vegan, specific food allergic diet persons have an appropriate meal is a contributing factor, then ....yep, I've got it. I scaled down the decorating a few years back, just have a highlight corner or space, centerpiece on serving table. My significant other won't help with chairs or floor cleaning until an hour or so before the main event! Uggh!!!!

My "rules" for entertaining:

1. always, always have the table set before your guests arrive, so that even if dinner is 2 hours late, they know that they came on the right night and at some point they will be fed

2. always have one clean bathroom for guests

3. do remember to stop what you are doing and get yourself ready to receive guests, at the least, comb your hair and put on shoes

4. have a few tried and true menus that you know will always turn out well, that can be done ahead, and that are easy for you - no one else has to know they are easy

5. delegate, delegate, delegate! if you have DH, children or friends that you can count on; give them specific jobs to do that are within their capabilities

6. if necessary, get animals out of the way for the duration - very necessary for me.

This thread is so timely for me as I am having my book club over tonight for SOUP. I try not to stress out too much before hand and this thread has helped me calm down a little.
I began the cleaning a couple of weeks ago so it is not all left to the last day when I panic and stress and am cleaning prepping just as some one comes up the walkway 15 minutes early! How can anyone come to a party early? I've never understood it and I always feel everyone else must have everything done way beforehand and I am the only one stressing at the last minute (Usually just gotten out of the shower when the early bird arrives.)
Anyway, I only entertain a couple of times a year and I view it as a chance to do the deep cleaning I won't do otherwise, but I am learning to start way in advance and not procrastinate.

I also worry about having enough food and then yesterday one of the members said her husband can't come and I realized 4 soups for six people plus infant and toddler is too much. So now I am doing 3 soups and the house is clean enough. You guys are right it does not have to be perfect.

However, when it comes to husbands' mine is the best. He does almost half the cleaning.

Another party prep/stress story:

When we were first married and living in our apartment -- we gave our first BIG party just before Christmas for over 50 people. As you can imagine -- the whole place was scrubbed and prepped plus TONS of food was all ready to go ....

I was getting ready when the buzzer went off -- signalling the arrival of first guests ....... so my DH crept down the hall towards our bedroom and starting making the "cat-throwing-up-a-hairball" gacking sound ......

And I shrieked .... streaked down the hall in my undies ... with carpet cleaner spray and paper towels in hand ..... and my DH is laughing (with the tears streaming down his face) so hard that he has to sit on the floor!!! LOL!! What a TOAD!!

Wellllllllll --- that incident (just before the guests actually arrived at the door of the apartment) was the HIT of the party ...... people were hoping for photos ...... but this was LONG before digital cameras or cellphones ....... thank goodness ....... and he still tells that story ...... sigh ......

Teacats, And you are still married to him? LOL

This is a great thread. I first have to say that I had my husband look at some of this, and I will say upfront that he is totally engaged (he does most of the cooking).

But I'm terrible. My family is here and rated me at a 9.5 out of 10 for being a witch the hours before a party. I remember yelling at my daughter because I had just hung up a perfect clean towerl on the hanging ring and went in, they had used it, and wadded it up over the ring. I yelled at them, and still feel bad about it today. Most importantly because I don't want them to think that entertaining is awful and never have a dinner party because they remember it being hell day.

I grew up with my mother keeping a horrendous house. It was a mess, and I mean a mess. Counters piled with crap, dishes not done for days, and she didn't care. She was always having friends stop by. Even as a young child, it embarassed me to all heck. I can still remember coming home from babysitting at midnight or so when I was 12 or 13 years old (I started young), and I would clean the kitchen from top to bottom. It would take a couple of hours. I was different than her even back then. When my dad remarried, it was Martha Stewart land. She had to have it spotless. Every Saturday was crack and corner day. We quite literally had to pull the couch out and vacuum under it at least every other week, and we had to bleach the counters. Crazy the other way!

So, I can't seem to have anyone over unless my house is totally cleaned! And our parties themselves are quite memorable to everyone who comes. They talk about it afterward for weeks. I do enjoy having wonderful parties but I also wish I could relax about my house. I know its wrapped up in my childhood psyche.

I will even make sure the main counters are clean as guests are arriving for a dinner party. And that's while we're using the kitchen! But I'm also so proud of our kitchen and want to show it off.

Now one time, we had a Chinese extravaganze where we covered our desk with Chinese ingredients, friends came over at noon and didn't leave until midnight. The men mostly cooked and it was a blast. Every inch of every counter was covered with crap. I remember walking in the kitchen, the dust was flying from someone rolling out potstickers while someone else was frying a whole fish over the wok burner, and someone else was mixing something up. I didn't care what the kitchen looked like that day. I'll never forget that party.

I don't know if I'll ever change about the clean house though. It's so engrained in me. Well, my husband is making London Broil so I'm off to the kitchen!!

Great stories though. I think we have more in common than we realized.

Michael, my DH helps out a lot! He does a lot, if not most of the cleaning. Leading up to my big family get together, he had to clear out an entire room of junk to make room for my DS #1, his wife and son. To understand what that meant, you have to picture an entire room full of junk, boxes, furniture, and more junk, stacked and strewn wall to wall and floor to ceiling. He had to do it because 70% of it was his stuff, while 30% of it was DS #2's stuff from moving home. Anyway, he got it done just in time, plus did a lot of other cleaning too. He also is our primary pie baker, with apple pie being his specialty. His other specialty, closely related, is empanadas. Whenever the family gets together, he's required to make empanadas. His mother used to make them, and he does his best to make his as good as hers.

So, you are not completely alone.

Sally

I never knew this affliction had a name - or so many victims; I thought I was the only one. If any pharmacutical companies are watching this forum, soon there will be a new drug advertised on TV for women with HD Syndrome, now known as HDS! Support groups & counseling will be needed for this hidden crippler of socialites everywhere. No need to keep this nasty secret any longer - confession (& a prescription) are good for the soul! LOL!!

My personal worse case of HD: Preparing for a Tea for 25 guests to be held after a Holiday House Tour. I'd been running around like crazy all morning (after 2 hours sleep) when the door bell rang. At this point, I'm already running behind schedule, I'm still in my robe & haven't showered & now I have 4 women(3 of whom I barely know)waiting to be entertained! I put them to work, gave them jello shooters, & got dressed for the Tour. They did a wonderful job & seemed to have a delightful day. From then on, I've made it a rule on party day to shower & dress BEFORE I start preparations. But, why does it always take longer to do things in reality than does in your head?

Hester

Sands, I have the same problem you do. I now try to make it a point to be a guest (and a good one that will help clean up etc.) but not to be a host if I can help it because I just put myself thru too much. For me I think I learned it from my mom who I think did it out of fear of what others thought of her. Needless to say I'm not a neat freak, just to spite her!! Anyway, I've taken the attitude that if you come to my house you better come to see me, not my home. When I get together with others I could care less about their surroundings unless their B-room is so bad I can't use it.
I digress. When I have to host, I go with a very simple menu and if others offer to bring something, great! I let them. I try to make the meal part as stress-less as possible so if I have to obssess it'll be with the house. This was the 2nd Xmas I've hosted and maybe it's because I was sick for 2 weeks prior to it that I just accepted that not everything would be perfect and I didn't care, or because I had a dry run the year before, but I just said to myself "it's only one meal,,,no one is going to starve or go hungry" Nobody eats as much at others homes and parties than they usually do, so don't make as much unless you're fine with leftovers (I am) I didn't have to cook for 3 days afterwards - GREAT!! I only worried that everyone including myself had a good time, as that is what it's all about, the getting togetherness thing. I prepped as much ahead as a could, I preset the table, serving dishes out etc. Cooked as much ahead of time as I could. Bought premade/sliced, chopped vegetables where I could, to help myself. And let the rest ride. I was tired for a couple of days afterwards but I sure enjoyed my efforts at decorating and stuff for a week afterward and the extra touches without having to worry about my guests, since the party was over. So I said to myself, that I was worth all this fuss since I enjoyed it for a week afterward. Hopefully as this becomes more common place, it will get easier. They were all family so that helped tremendously. If it were friends, just don't invite the critical ones. Better yet, don't give a rats pa-toot, at what they may think. I have the philosophy that "if you aren't paying my bills or holding my head or taking care of me when I'm sick, then I don't give a D&^* what you think." It helps. Also, I think Eleanor Roosevelt said this but "No one can intimidate you, without your permission". I remind myself of that a lot in this affluent area I live in since there are some real wanna-bees around here. I get your angst, that is for sure!!!