Xmas Humor

Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something relating or associated with Christmas.

The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in.

The second man presents a candy cane, so he is also allowed in.

The third man pulls out a pair of stockings.

Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?"

Answer... "They're Carol's."

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A man went to see a psychiatrist. "Doc,", he said, "you've got to help me. I have a terrible fear of Santa Claus."

"Santa Claus?," the doctor replies.

"Yes", the man replied. "You know, St. Nick, Kris Kringle, Santa Claus. What's wrong with me?"

The doctor replied,."I'm afraid you have a bad case of CLAUStrophobia."

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I went to my friend's house recently and noticed that his Christmas tree was bare except for a shotgun shell near the top.

I asked, "What's the deal, no decorations?"

Puzzled, he looked at me and said, "What do you mean? It's a cartridge in a bare tree."

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At the typical Christmas dinner, Mom is always yelling,

"Get out of my kitchen!" The grown kids are always yelling

at their tiny offspring, "Stop running! You'll break

Grandma's furniture!" Dad is always yelling, "Get out of

the way! I can't see the TV set!" The little ones are

yelling, "It's my toy! Let me play with it!" This is why

this is known as the Holler Day Season.

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It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the man in custody, "What are you charged with?"

"Doing my Christmas shopping early", replied the defendant.

"That's no offense", said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?"

"Before the store opened."

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Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?

A: You do all the work, and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.


Q: Where do polar bears vote?

A: The North Poll.

Q: Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?

A: Because it soots him.

Q: Where do Santa's reindeer like to stop for lunch?

A: Deery Queen.

Q: What do elves learn in school?

A: The Elf-abet!

Q: What nationality is Santa Claus?

A: North Polish.

Q: What do snowmen wear on their heads?

A: Ice caps!

Q: Why was Santa's little helper depressed?

A: Because he had low elf esteem.

Q: What do snowmen eat for breakfast?

A: Snowflakes.

Q: What did the Gingerbread Man put on his bed?

A: A cookie sheet.

Q: Which reindeer has the cleanest antlers?

A: Comet.

Q: Did you hear about the guy who played golf on Christmas and accidentally hit a bird?

A: He got a partridge on a par three.

Q: What's red and white and falls down the chimney?

A: Santa Klutz!

Q: How do sheep greet each other on Christmas?

A: Merry Christmas to Ewe!