I would go. It's perhaps the last occasion for your boyfriend to be with his grandmother and family. I'd consider it an honor to be invited. To heck with the inconvenience. This matters more.

In terms of the relationship it may well be one of those "you're in or you're out" moments. How important is he to you?

(I'd change in the bathroom. There must be one somewhere.)

Carol

Personally, I do not think it is appropriate for them to expect three grown men to sleep on the floor (or futons) in the living room - I would rather stay in a tent! It would be ideal if you could get a cabin next to theirs, but a motel seems a bit cold. See if you can get something next door to their cabin so that you will be close but still be reasonably comfortable. Five adults is too many for a two bedroom cabin, and I think that everyone will be happier if there is more room for all. I can't imagine that the others would be happy having to step over you in order to get to the living room/kitchen. Perhaps you can bribe your BF with some cash to help pay for an extra room without the others knowing about it. I think you should feel honored that they want you as a guest, but at the same time, you should still be treated as a guest and not as a doormat.

I think there is always a chance that his mom can upgrade - that seldom seems to be a problem, as long as there is availability. Everyone will be much happier if you can get more space - otherwise you are headed for a bad sitcom type of situation if you end up in such cramped quarters. If you couldn't afford it, it would be a different situation.

Lars

I agree totally with Lars. Three on futons in the living room might be okay if you're all under 12 years of age but it's not something for adults and the lack of privacy, as you say Bobby, would be uncomfortable. You don't want to spend a week in such crowded circumstances. Try and find your own accommodation nearby.
And you will need two bathrooms for six people..

SharonCb

Vac, I totally agree with you; a week under those circumstances will be unbearable, I'm surprised they think it's ok. Even one night is too much.

Lars said it well, "you are headed for a bad sitcom type of situation"

As soon as one person gets up early, you'll all be up.
It will be lights out as soon as one person wants to go to sleep.

6 adults in a 2 bedroom cabin; recipe for disaster.

Perhaps a compromise? Spend a day or two on the futons and the rest of the time in a motel.
I think family times like this can be bonding but not for a week. And most 89 year olds need serious bathroom time.

Bobby, ask for a link to view the cabin, it may be better than you think. Also, ask if upgrading to a larger unit is possible if you kick in the differance. OTOH, you seem to have a mind set that this will be a terrible vacation. That can be hard to overcome.

The Smokies are a beautiful place to be, one i would encouracge you to go and visit.

Lars said it all. I agree. It would be ideal to find some private accommodations close by.

Bumblebeez is right. At age 89, Grandma is going to need a straight path to the bathroom! She's not going to be able to jump over the futons to get to the loo in the middle of the night.

Maybe you can offer to take them all out for dinner when they return, or even have dinner at your place. You can look at all the photos and listen to the stories of their vacation.

It's very important to get across the point that it isn't because you don't want to spend time with them, it's because you can't live in such close quarters, and need a bed. Didn't you hurt your back recently?

How well do you know his family? I did a week of Disney on a living room pullout sofa with my in-laws. I knew them well and was very comfortable with them by that time, but it still wasn't much fun. Living/sleeping on top of each other on sofabeds, cots, futons, etc. is fine when you're on a road trip with a bunch of buddies. Not with your partner's parents and grandmother. I like the idea of trying to rent another cabin. Maybe you could get the brother in on it so it's adults in one, "kids" in the other.

I agree with everyone here. They are failing to think of you as adults, it seems. A bunch of 12 year olds can sack out on the floor. If the living room space is huge, it might be possible to screen off sleeping areas but still...one potty is for 6 adults would not be pleasant.

I would try to find a way to attend without appearing like a diva while still asserting your need for basic comfort and privacy. I think this is an important event. I'm with you, I can't sleep on futon on the floor, I'd be a cripple at the end of a week!

I told you he wasn't for you! LOL!
No way no how would I be going on that "vacation".
And the fact that BF thinks you might tells me that he's not for you.
And are the plans for you all to pack in together in a van or something for the trip to Gatlinberg?
Tell him no thanks...
Linda c

What is really the biggest problem is what I'm hearing from you is the inflexibility. You offered a very reasonable compromise, getting a room in a nearby motel, and I think it is silly for them to waste time being insulted. But believe me I know, many families would rather waste time and energy obsessing on this kind of thing instead of enjoying the vacation. They should accept your reasonable offers to help upgrade or stay in a motel. Talk it over with BF, tell him how you want to go to show support for him and his family but it is important to you to have some privacy and ability to get a good night's sleep. Tell him this will help you "be there" during the rest of the vacation in a good mood and how important it is to you that you make this compromise. BF may be more flexible than you think. I often put my foot down with my family about what I will or will not do, they get huffy when I say I want to do something SLIGHTLY different from them (they still think at 49 I am some kind of disrespectful kid whenever I have some slightly different idea than them, they are the parents, they make all the best decisions for the kids to follow is still their motto, but that is THEIR problem). This is the downside of being in a couple. All the love and companionship=up. All the love and companionship=down. Work out a compromise between you and BF. Sometimes ya just gotta do something and let the family fuss and fume. TRUST ME, they will get over it. But if he is going to have to be manipulated by them all the time and can't work with you on these family things, it will crop up in other ways too as time goes by. It is perfectly REASONABLE to ask him to compromise. That's what you are asking, for him to meet you halfway. Also make sure that you acknowledge how important it is for him to stay on good terms with his family. Of course it pulls at him. This for him is the same moment in the relationship, where the pedal hits the metal as they say.

I thought about this by putting myself in your place. If DH's parents invited us on a weeklong vacation where they expected him, me and his sister to sleep on a futon in the living room of a two bedroom cabin, how would I feel about it?

Bobby, I'm with you. Don't wanna do it. In my case I'd just tell DH that we could either stay in a separate motel room or cabin or whatever was available nearby, or to count me out.

Of course, we've been married for years and I expect DH to take my side in a disagreement between his mother and me. He has to live with me after all. It might not be so easy or clear cut for you and BF.

But here's the important part. BF is with YOU now. He is no longer with Mommy & Daddy. You are the one he lives with and you are the one with whom he should work to come to an agreement. If you were asking something unreasonable, than that would be an issue to be worked out between the two of you. And if he thinks you ARE being unreasonable, then he needs to say so. But since you are already giving in some by going on a vacation in which you have no interest, then he needs to give in a bit and agree to accomodations in which you will be comfortable.

If his parents don't understand or like that, well, I don't mean to be creepy, but too bad so sad! He can't act as their little boy anymore. He has to grow up and be mature and act as your partner instead.

Maybe they always have the "kids" sleeping in the LR and it didn't occur to them that it might not work for you. Maybe your partner and his brother have always hated it but never said so for fear of offending the parents. Maybe if someone just sat down with the parents and explained that you need your own bedroom, they'd be happy to change the reservations or ok with you getting a separate place. Who know until at least the lines of communication are open?

The parents might or might not be offended. But in any case, your partner needs to see your point of view and compromise. He needs to tell his parents that you and he can't sleep in a public room on futons, and will get separate accomodations. If the parents are offended, so be it. Their son has a partner and the partner (in this case you) deserves to come first in a situation where BF is being tugged in opposite directions.

If he can't do that, then you will never come first and that's not a good basis for a relationship. I can tell you now that if DH made a habit of taking his mother's side against me, we'd have split long ago. Maybe this is a good test of how strong and loving your relationship is.

I hope it works out well. Good luck!

Bobby, I don't have anything to add. You've gotten great advice.

It's going to be difficult, uncomfortable, maybe painful no matter what you do.
It's also going to be revealing. Keep your eyes wide open.

Not just regarding BF, but parents as well.
If you want this to be a long term relationship, those parents are going to be around a lot.

Can YOU deal with it?
Can BF deal with it?
Can the relationship deal with it?

Good luck!

And for Pete's Sake..............let US know what happens!!! LOL

We're on YOUR side! Whatever that is.

Deanna

A "different strokes for different folks" situation. Also, maybe they are strapped for money?

This isn't something you can get advice about, since some people could do this and some people could not. Most of us here are a fair bit older than you are too Bobby. When I was younger I would do stuff like this. I was kind of a gypsy though, and definitely not a homebody like you. Given the circumstances and people, I might still do it today.

But do what you feel is comfortable for YOU, and don't make a big deal of it with your BF.

I agree, Gina, I could take the sleeping arrangements all right and not be bothered. However, I'm not a morning person, so I might not be too congenial when everyone got up at once. In addition, I can't stay with people I like for that long, a week is just too long.

Wasn't it Groucho Marx who said guests and fish stink after 3 days? Well, 3 days is about my max, then I get crabby and contentious and I need my own time and my own space. Maybe that could be an explanation as to why you need a motel.

As Peppi noted, it seems that you've already decided that this is going to be miserable, so it probably will be. That self-fulfilling prophecy thing goes on sometimes....

And, as Carol noted, this might be the last family vacation for Grandma, and it's kind of an honor to be included, I think. I'd hate to miss the opportunity to be gracious and kind in that instance.

I usually can suck up anything for a period of time, as long as I remind myself that it's temporary and that my life will get back to normal in just a couple of days.

Annie

Another possible compromise would be for you to join them for ONE night. One night on a futon for true love. But definately not a whole week.

I am thinking like Lowspark. Some parents (and I know this from my own experience) will never give up on the role of parents and expect their grown kids to always to what they say. They just can't get their minds around the fact that their kids are grownups. Intellectually yes, they will tell you "of course they know this," but emotionally . . . no, they still expect certain things come hell or high water. And in these cases, the grown adult child has to learn to put their foot down firmly with these folks and say, no, this is how I, the adult, am going to play it. And then do it and learn to listen to the fuming. It will die down. Everyone wants to compromise, but with some people, there is no compromising.

I have no idea what kind of parents your guy has, but if he has a type like mine, if he firmly says, "Bobby and I really want to be there for the vacation but we feel it is best for us to stay in a motel," the family will fuss and fume and try and make him feel guilty, and ultimately it will the THIER PROBLEM, and they will deal with it and drop it eventually. Take it from me, lol! Sometimes I do what the 'rents want, when it is no skin off my back, and sometimes I put my foot down. And it was very hard coming to terms with the fact that I wasn't going to be able to please my parents sometimes and to learn to breathe deep during all the hissy fits and just stick to my ground. That's something that happens in some families sometimes, as the children reach middle age, they have to learn this process of gently but firmly putting their foots down with their parents, which is a very different role for a child to take and also for a parent to take. Perhaps your BF is in the midst of this process and you can work through this together. But you two definately need to work out where you stand on this issue, because it will come up again in one form or another.

Unfortunately it might be easier for BF's parents to view him as an adult if he were married with a wife. It's not really a gay thing, because I am not married and I think this is one of the reasons my folks have such a hard time realizing I am a grown woman and treating me as such. Seeing a child married with children is a signal for parents that the child is grown. It's the traditional visual and emotional signal, but some folks are going to have to get the signal in other ways, that is just their cross to bear. I know it is mine. People said to me, "They will treat you differently once you get married and have kids." Well, I didn't get married and have kids, so now I have to play with the cards I have been dealt. This may be one of the first times BF's family is going to have to deal with this issue, that their son is grown and living his own life . . . with you. I know if I had a BF, I would face many more issues that I do now, my folks get jealous and have hissy fits when I choose to do my own thing with my FRIENDS. As I've said, I have just had to learn to live with the complaining. NOT MY PROBLEM.

I'm with Lars et al!..... It's a great thing that you were invited but you know your limits. I wouldn't want to be in that situation either.
Get another cabin for you and the BF and enjoy yourselves! Tell him that you'll be spending all of the family time that he wants with the family in their cabin, but that you'll have breathing room when you need to shower and sleep. Surely he'll see the logic??

Grace

I am more with Annie, Gina, and also Carol.

For me, if you really love BF, I would go and suck it up. your BF's parents may be very offended by your offer to pay for larger accommodations.

Figure you what you are able to put up with vis-a-vis BF, not his family. Including you is a compliment.

-Adele

Thanks for all the advice. I'm still planning not to go unless changes are made. I told Aaron and he understands. Maybe I'm inflexible, but a week of suffering isn't the way I want to spend my vacation. If they are OK with me paying the difference for a more appropriate place, I'll go. So, really nothing has changed since the original post, but it was really nice to read the responses. He hasn't had a chance to talk to his parents yet, so I don't know what the outcome will be. I will be sure to let you know!

They are going to get two rental cars... parents and granny in one and brother, me, and Aaron in the other. So, yes, I think they are still think of the people under 50 as kids.

Oh, and he doesn't live with me. No man ever will. I like my independence too much. Even if I get married, I will maintain separate households!

He has suggested that we will just go on our own vacation together sometime soon... I'd like that better.

I'm with you about guests, Annie. When Aaron stays with me for more than a day, I start getting really annoyed with everything he does, even just his presence. It's not his fault, it's always happened with everyone. It's a Bobby thing and I'm just too independent.

You would have to drag me kicking and screaming to go on that vacation. I've been to G-burg and rented cabins 5 or 6 times and a two-bedroom isn't going to be that big. And sometimes the cabins are pretty far apart from each other. Plus it's apt to be cold there in a couple of weeks--you never know--but you could be stuck inside. Also, it's probably way too late to change to a larger place now.

I'm glad you decided not to go. You'll be much happier at home. Wow--I hope I don't have vacation nightmares tonight ;-)

(I stayed with Annie for nine days and we both survived....)

Bobby, I dont blame you. I dont like staying with anyone - I always want my own hotel room. Just how I am. So I feel your pain. I would hate that.

That's true, Jessica, but we each had our own space. The only problem was that I didn't have enough computers, LOL.

Annie

Bobby in the end you have to do what is best for you and the others. If you are going to be miserable so will Aaron and I'm sure his family. So don't go if you can't do it willingly and gracefully.

One little word of advice from an "old " broad. This shouldn't have anything to do with the "couple" thing. There have been many, many occasions when my DH and I have had to sleep in different rooms or in close quarters with others. Couples who have the right thing going don't always need their privacy as a couple.

So -- I'm just now reading the posts. What happened; how did it go? I could have offered opinions, but it's a little late now. Still, I'm interested!

I didn't go... they are on their way back now... all piled into a Toyota Rav 4. Brother had to leave a couple days early so he took the other rental car already. They are somewhere in GA 92 miles from the FL line. It went OK, but granny hit her leg on the side of the car and busted it open... and apparently something about a grizzly bear coming up on them while they were gathered around the fire. He said he has pictures to prove it. I asked him what kind of vacuum was at the cabin... it was a cheap 50 dollar Wal-mart special, so I wouldn't have even gotten to play with a fun vacuum!! LOL

Aaron said the futon was awful... his feet hung off the end and the bar in the middle killed his back. He said he doesn't mind. Of course he's a little more care free and not quite as prissy as I am, but I did make the right choice! It worked out that I didn't go... I postponed my vacation at work, and we were pretty busy and a few people didn't show/call so I was really needed this week.

I've rather enjoyed the solitude this week :o) No visitors, just me and the cat!

His birthday is Wednesday, so I'd better go post a what kind of cake should I make thread. Nah, I don't feel like making a cake. Maybe I will tell him I thought he was still a Jehova's Witness and didn't want to offend him with a birthday cake.

LOL!!!!

Oh Bobby, that is too funny about the cake! :D

I'd say you definitely did the right thing. Everybody's happy -- well, maybe except Grandma and the bear.

Just a hint, Bobby, grizzlys live in the most rugged parts of the Western U.S. Last time I looked, TN wasn't far enough west to rate with those bears. Not rugged enough, either!

I agree, beachlily, it might have been a brown bear, or one of our "puny" little black bears, but it most probably wasn't a grizzly...

Too bad about Grandma, though, Bobby. I'm glad it worked out well for you and that you could postpone that vacation time.

Don't know what to tell you about the birthday cake, LOL.

Annie

Actually, he did say black bear. I don't know why I translated it to grizzly bear, maybe because it sounds more scary! The only bear I've ever seen is at the zoo, so they are all the same to me! If he sends a picture, I'll post it. He said it was over 300 pounds... I told him it must have been pretty difficult having a bear stand on the bathroom scales to take its weight!

LOL Bobby! I'm sorry about Grandma but the rest of their vacation sounds like a comedy show!

At times I enjoy my solitude so I get what your talking about.

Bobby, it probably didn't help at the time, but we haven't had a black bear attack here in Michigan since the 30s, they seem to be more afraid of humans than we are of them.

Somehow, though, the image of a big fat black bear standing on the scales is just tickling me to no end!

Besides, tell Aaron it wouldn't eat him, it would eat whoever was running the most slowly, probably Grandma. (grin)

Annie

Well I'm glad you didn't go then Bobby. You know yourself and that's important. (You can BUY birthday cakes you know!!)

This is my first time reading this post and I was eager to hear how it all turned out. Seems like your decision to stay home was the right one, but I'll bet there would have been stories to tell had you gone.

BTW, the accommodations you would have had to endure, as an adult, would have been a nightmare for me, even with my own close family. I cannot imagine sharing such intimate quarters for a week with someone's elderly grandmother and people I was not related to.

Having had a few bear encounters in my day, that whole, "They're more afraid of you than you are of them" doesn't come to mind when you're staring in the face of a 300+ pound animal. You're never sure if your particular bear got the memo.

The vacation sounds like a blast to me, but I'm Ms. Outdoorsey. But I know and understand that there are folks that just don't "do" rustic and there is no sense trying to make them into something they are not, I think respecting differences is very important.

Way too bad about grandma. I have to say, BF's family sounds like a pretty close bunch, which I kinda like but could also be crazy! I grew up with sparse family, so I've always wanted to be part of a big boisterous clan, but if I had one I would probably wish the opposite!

P.S. I think you should make BF a teddy bear cake!