It sounds to me like she is depressed. Has her doctor mentioned depression? It is very common after a life changing event like a heart attack or cancer. Do you think if your brothers were involved things would get better? Good luck.

As the ex-wife of a CHF patient I'm so surprised that she is not being examined by the doctors for depression at the very least. Depression is typical in heart patients and she sure sounds depressed to me.

When I used to take ex to his monthly heart transplant program appointment (No he wasn't really a candidate but that's another story. The program does a bang up job of optimizing the existing heart function in CHF patients and they did.) He was required to fill out a mental health assessment form. He lied and denied for months though I knew better and told him so. Finally one day he came out with a scrip for Prozac. Thank goodness. And what a difference it made.

Your mother probably has some other quirks besides depression but it's a start. My heart goes out to you. You are in a very tough spot.

Depression almost always goes along with by-pass surgery. And there's even more than depression. My Dad would cry almost all of the time for weeks and weeks. He would cry when he would tell something, he cried at the drop of a hat and I had never seen him cry before. Susie, get her to a doctor, insist on something for stress and depression, then do yourself a favor and require that someone else help your mom a few days and you do something you enjoy doing. You deserve it!

If he puts her on Prozac watch her very carefully. That stuff made me a complete basket case within days of starting it. I was afraid to even open my front door, totally unlike me.

Adding to Eileen and Beverly: can you get a social worker to come to her house? And also to help you?

Wow, Susie, this is a tough one. I watch out for my 91 yo mom but she is nothing like your's. Still, I appreciate the difficulties of the mother-daughter relationship at this age.

All I can add to the good advice here is to be careful to take care of yourself. Being the caretaker can take an enormous toll on you. Not only do you have the physical care, the mental worry but as the daughter you also have the guilt, guilt, guilt!

Hi Susie!!
I can totally relate. A lot of people get quirky, and ornery and depressed in old age I think. My folks are simlar. It's very frustrating, because there is absolutely NOTHING you can do. They are adults, and unless they go completely bonkers they have to live with their own choices, even when their own choices lead to suffering for them and mental anguish for their caregivers. The only thing you can do is try to find solace in knowing your are in a big boat, vent here when you need to, and TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF! Don't let your mom guilt trip you into doing extra, it is a no-win situation, belive me, I know!! Do what you need to do but recharge with positive friends and family and activities. I know how hard it is to watch people suffer because of their own stubborness and refusal to take action on their own behalf. But also, check with your mom's doctor, because a lot of this behavior may have a physical origin. Maybe find a social worker to talk to who knows about elderly issues. Who knows if they can offer any good ideas, but its worth a shot.

Susie, you are a saint, I can just add that I wish you renewed and continued strength !!

All of the above are true. Many Bi Pass patients suffer depression. Her Doc may not be able to share info with you but can listen to what you have to say. Before next appoint let Doc know how poorly she does and ask if it could be depression.

As a reluctant and mostly former caregiver to ex I have to mention the importance of establishing some boundaries and encouraging self sufficiency. Saying no to excessive demands will initially result in pouting, tantrums, and much guilt. Never mind how I know. It will pass. Your mom and siblings will more respectful and appreciative of that which you say yes to.

The doc can't tell you anything but they can listen. If you don't have an opportunity to speak with them, write a letter addressing the problems. (Copy it to your siblings.)

Oh, Suzie, what a heart-breaking story. I wish you all the luck and courage you need.

I can't add much except for I would definitely request a conference with her docs. Like the others have said, they may not be able to tell you much, but they can certainly listen to what you have to say.

And I agree with barnmom, you HAVE to say no sometimes! Yep, she'll probably rip you a new one, but you can turn and walk away from the verbal abuse. My guess is that once you do, she will see that you are not going to put up with it and chances are she'll start being a bit nicer, maybe even appreciative of what you do for her.

Can you get together with your siblings and work out a schedule where everyone has responsibility for at least one task?

Good luck, and feel free to vent any time you need to!

Linda

Oh, Susie, what a tough situation. I agree with what's been said above, especially about setting boundaries. You may check with your mother's doctor or nurse to see if there are any caregiver support groups. There's also a caregiver forum on this Gardenweb/Homesite website. When I took care of my mother, who had alzheimers, I found the support groups to be most helpful. Maybe the American Heart Assc. would have info or help of some kind for you, too. Just some brainstorming.

Sally

Suzie....you sure we're not sisters??!!
Been there, done that, have the T shirt and a framed certificate of merit.
From the distance of a lot of years, I can say.."just don't allow her to manipulate you,l just say I'll be over when i can"...but from first hand experience, it ain't easy!
Sorry to be brutal, but when she dies, your life will be easier....and from what you are saying it won't be too many years.
You can only do so much....so don't drive your self into the loony bin and make your family suffer because you are trying to accomodate a selfish and demanding woman....when all you really want is your mother to go shopping with you and help you pick out new towels for the bathroom.
Hang in there, darlin'. This too shall pass......and remember....all you can do is your best....you are not superhuman....just be kind and ignore the rest of the carp.
Linda C

Susie, this hits pretty close to home and what I've been going through with my DM. Follow the above advice. A mild antidepressant has really helped my DM. I've found that 'tough love' has also really helped. With love, I've explained the consequences of her actions...and now this is what she has to do. As a result, I've gained respect and love. It's hard when we have to become our parents, parent.

Nancy

Ditto, ditto, and ditto! I'm so much the sandwich generation I can't even tell you. From my grands to my kids to my parents. I'm an only child, so it all falls to me too.
Mom won't take an anti-depressant, although she needs it badly. Dad is a retired pharmacist so he won't take it either. Meanwhile he's playing games with his diuretic for CHF and his Coumadin levels are always off balance. The latest is he thinks he can get his driver's license re-issued. NO way!
Do only what you can and INSIST your sibs help you out. There's no excuse that you're the daughter etc. She has plenty of family members to chauffeur her around.

My ex, 57, is a lot younger than your mom but it was the 5 year mark before he realized he was still alive and kicking after his CHF diagnosis and decided to make the best of it. He lost 70 pounds which took a lot of strain off his heart and allowed him to dramatically reduce some of his meds. He took up a hobby, photography, and seems to be enjoying life again.

Maybe time will make a difference.

Whew, do I feel better letting this out! I was so afraid that I would be judged.
Its so hard to have feelings like this and no where to share or expres them.

I just spoke to mom and she lied to me twice during our talk. This is becoming very common. Not really a big lie but a lie none the less...something about having spoke to all 6 of her children one day last week. I let it go until today and asked her what "Kevin" had to say.
She said "Oh I never talked to Kevin."
I told her it was a lie and she corrected me and said I misunderstood her.

As for my sibs, mom has no problem making excuses for them...Billy is busy at work, Kevin has his grown daughter living with him and he's under a lot of stress with her 3 young children, Patrick is busy ridding the world of homophobes and trying to adopt a baby with his partner, Stephen, well Stephen is busy healing from the accident so he gets a pass amd Chris is still in a halfway house due to his issues...so that leaves me.

I know she is depressed. She lost my dad and had her health prob all within one year. I told my dad on his death bed that I would take care of her so I quess I willed this on myself LOL!!

I wish she would allow a social worker to visit...she would not let on in.
I worry about her finances because she sends SO much money to charity....then yells about the price of pop LOL!!

I also have to admit to making up a story myself last spring...I just needed a break and so I told her I was sick so I could spend my day doing some much needed "me" time. I feel so bad about that but I had to do it.

She is the main reason I do not go on vacation-no one else is willing to take her on...most of the time I feel its just easier to bite my lip, go up and take care of her and get it over with.
I am not a confrontational person so I am good at avoiding conflict with her.

I did get a small victory...I bought her some gatorade this week and she claims she drank it. Of course that could be a lie but who knows.

Pray for me LOL!!!

Cheers!
Susie

"She is the main reason I do not go on vacation-no one else is willing to take her on"

Susie, that's ridiculous! I know that we don't know your family, but trust me each one (except Stephen and Chris) have NO EXCUSE! You tell them that you're going, and you insist that they make the time for your mom. You can still call from where ever you are, but they have to do the errands and face time.

If she's being irresponsible about money, then you may have to get a conservatorship, to manage her finances. Certainly your business minded brother or Stephen could help you out there. Don't take their NO's for an answer.

My mom was depressed this year and went on meds that turned her into a zombie. The doc had to play around with the different meds until one of them worked and didn't cause the zombie-ish side-effect. Mom lives with my brother and his wife and 2 teenagers in Maryland, so I don't see her very often at all. But my brother wanted to take his wife and kids to her native Korea for 6 weeks this summer and mom didn't want to go and was in a zombie and physically weakened state, so we were all scrambling for ideas.

We got her doc to change up her meds, she started eating more and feeling better, then finally agreed to stay with another brother in Austin for the summer. Hence my trip there in July in the dead of summer :-)

It's scary to see a once healthy and vibrant person fade like this. It makes you wonder about your own old age and what's going to happen.

Mom's depression was due to having nothing to do. She had retired (not by choice), her grandchildren are teens who are never home anymore, she doesn't drive, and is not social. Now I'm on a kick to get my retired friends out of the house and to stay busy - and especially to put some kind of routines in their lives.

Hang in there Susie - you've gotten a lot of good advice here.

It seemed you are living some of my story too. I had to put my Dad in a nursing home against his will 4 years ago and it broke my heart. He had the money for me to hire someone to help take care of him but wouldn't allow it. I finally reached the end of my rope after taking care of him for 8 years. I did all the shopping, cooking and cleaning for a man impossible to please. He ended up being bedridden and I couldn't handle him as he weighed 300 lbs. His doctor had been trying to get me to put him in the nursing home for several years but I wanted to hold out as long as I could. He's still holding a grudge against me today for putting him there and it is just something I have to live with. People around me have been judgmental but they need to walk a mile in my shoes and see what I had to deal with. Here's my advice--TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF FIRST. I know it's hard to do but you must say no to some of your Mom's demands. It will drain you emotionally and physically. I know from experience. It is so sad when we see our parents go downhill a little at a time but it is a part of life that we have to endure. God Bless and keep us posted. We care and will not condemn. Kathy in Alabama

I have no experience here but wanted to wish you well Susie. Lots of good advice from those who have walked in your shoes.
Jo

Susie, it concerns me that she is sending money to charities. It's the one thing my mom does that I wonder if she is going overboard.

Can you intercept her mail? If so, grab the charitable solicitation letters. On the return form write "please remove my name from your list. Do not rent or sell my name to other organizations." Then send it back in the envelope they gave to you. If they are a legitimate organization, they will honor your request.

Charities trade and sell their lists of donors with similar organizations, so that's why the number of solicitations grow like crazy. It's the same with catalogs.

You can also register her name with the Direct Marketing Asso. for removal.

I think it is fairly common for the elderly to respond to too many charities. It's wonderful to support those that are important to you, though. Can you tell I'm a fund raiser?

Here is a link that might be useful: no mail list

Yep, my dad does too. He's a target for many requests. I registered him with the Direct Mail Assoc, but he replies and sends very little (under $25) to a bunch of them. What happens then is the charity sells his name to others. Most are for veterans, but some are disguised as "survey's". Ha!

Mom and occasionally me, intercepts the mail and tosses them. I now do all of his banking and 90% of the checks/bills, so I can see how much he's spending.

You have a very difficult situation, I'm sorry.

What about making a small change at a time? One that might benefit you would be to only take her to doctor's appointments on Fridays. If she calls and asks you to take her to one on say a Tuesday could you say "No, I'm sorry, that won't work for me." Then leave it to her to change the appointment or find alternate transportation. That might force her to think about saving money for taxis or reaching out to someone else.

Best wishes.

I used to do my ex's grocery shopping for him. Not always convenient with my out of town schedule. About a year ago I gave him the info for a store that offers online shopping here in town for a small service fee. He makes an appointment, drives to the e-cart spot in the parking lot and pushes a button. Voila! They bring him groceries! He likes it and buys what he wants to eat.

Susie, since you seem to be the only one taking care of her and you are worried about her finances you really need to talk to an attorney and get a power of attorney from her. Then you can put a stop to the charity giving if need be.

I'm dealing with some of the same with my DM who has Alzheimers. Since you said something about the fit pitching and lying, I'm wondering if your mother may have some Alzheimers also.

Oh wow! This was my life 2 1/2 years ago. Please e-mail me if you need help and services. I may be able to help you.

what beverly said.

Re the "lying." It could be a symptom of Alzheimers, but it could also just be old age. My mom kinda makes up a narrative for her life, full of a lot of rationalizations or stories that just aren't quite true. It used to bug me a lot and I would challenge her on it, and that would make her REALLY mad. I now realize that it is a coping mechanism for her, giving her a sense of control and also helping her cope with life's unpleasantness. I don't know what it's like to be 80 so I can't really judge. I don't think it is just Alzheimer's sufferers who "make up" narratives for their lives, although I know it is one symptom. There's a lot of degeneration in old age that is multi-faceted, not just Alzheimers. At any rate, I know how weird and annoying it can be. It goes along with the whole control thing. I think your mom is showing signs of taking out her need to have more control in her life--by guilt-tripping you and also denial of certain things that overwhelm her. It's understandable, but still you have to SET SOME LIMITS, no matter how difficult and heartbreaking it may be. Or else you are going to just get more and more resentful and burned out and that's not good either. You are so brave and wise to start asking for, looking for and getting HELP.
Lpink

Hey Susie!

Hang in there, I empathize with you. You really do need some help - can you interview social workers and find someone that you think your mom may get along with and introduce ther person as a new friend of yours? The two of you could visit together the first few times and maybe the social worker could establish a relationship with her that she would be comfortable with. I don't know if that is possible (or even ethical) but it might be worth a shot.

Please do take care of yourself - you need to have some fun too!

Alexa

Susie,
I am so sorry. I wish you the best of luck with your Mother. I really believe you need to control your own life. You can make demands on your Mother. You can make demands on your siblings. It may take them a while to understand you are no longer a doormat but you need to do it.

Do not take time off work to take your Mother to the Doctor, tell, don't ask her to either change the appointment or call a sibling. You don't need POA to talk to her Doctor, her Mother just needs to sign a release, if you go into the appointment with your Mother, consent is implied and you and the Dr. can talk along with your Mother unless she tells the Dr. not to say anything. I would tell her firmly no more shuttle to Dr. appointments without a release.
Unfortunately, you can't do anything to make your Mother become more social, take an antidepressant or less nasty to you. You can change how you respond to it... and you really need to.

In my situation, I had several very sick relatives and my sister took care of them all. My Aunt had ALS and was of sound mind but could not take care of her body. My sister did everything for her and my Aunt just expected it. Eventually my sister had to put her into a facility, my Aunt never forgave her, but the day after my Aunt moved out of the house, her 5yo daughter stopped wetting the bed. The stress my sister was under was incredible. You should take care of your Mother but you don't have to be her slave or respond to unreasonable demands. The sooner you stop the easier it will be either for your Mother to do a little better or another sibling to step in.

Good luck. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Bless your heart, Susie. I don't have any advice for you, but there's plenty in this thread. I'll keep you and your DM in my prayers.
Nancy