What you're experiencing with your mother is quite normal; after all, she's been taken out of the environment she knew, and it might have taken a few days for this to sink in. Anger and acting out is quite typical, but many times does not lost long. And yes, the advice to stay away for a while might seem a little harsh, but it will give your mother a chance to acclimate to her new surroundings on her own without the family intervening and everyone ending up crying or feeling terribly guilty at having to place her. Give her a chance to meet the other residents and do a little bonding with them.

It's hard to stay away, but it's a technique that very often works for everyone involved - and it'll make your future visits a more positive experience and give you more quality time together when you do get back into the visiting routine.

Give it a try - even if it's no contact for three or four days. Sometimes staff will even recommend a week. But, act according to your comfort zone.

You are so right. It is very hard to stay away, am trying though. Any ideas on getting her to acclimate easier. She is refusing to get out of bed, eat, talk, get dressed, etc.;acting child-like. The staff is having a very difficult time. I am concerned that she won't adjust to others helping and her care is definitely beyond her family.

You have been given good advice. She's not just angry at you, but Mother Nature, Father Time, Old Age, The Whole Wide World and everything else that has put her in this position.

It doesn't seem fair, does it....? We work hard, live right, and still fall to pieces long before we think we should. Getting angry is a natural emotion about aging. Since she can't direct it at the years, she directs it to those around her.

She'll settle down. She may never like it, but you know how the situation is and what the best thing to do for her well being.

Thanks for the calming voices. I do appreciate your kindness. I am hoping for the best.

Give it a little time for things to work themselves out; might be a little hard to believe now, but they generally do. One thing that might be beneficial to you is to get to know the home routine - they usually publish a little calendar of daily events and activities planned for residents. Get familiar with meal times, bath/shower/hairdresser days, art and craft sessions, music programs... sometimes planning visits around times when there is interaction with other residents takes the burden off you in carrying the ball.

Also, get to know the staff, make sure they see you. It helps them to know you're your mother's best advocate. Let them know little things about her, what she liked and didn't like, hobbies and pasttimes, etc. If they have a little personal information, they have something to distract her with when she's feeling angry and alone. If your mother likes music, make sure she has a radio. A few well chosen family pictures in her room, a favorite quilt or throw.

I have to admit, as gut wrenching a decision as it was to have our mother placed in long term care (I was her live in caregiver from mid 2001 until late 2006 and watched her slide from moderate to severe Alzheimer's), we were spared any real drama. But over the 11 months she was in LTC, I witnessed plenty of drama with other residents and their families. And I participated in (still do keep up with those) a couple of different care givers support groups - really good for information gathering/sharing, moral support, etc.

It was all a real learning experience - and now looking back on the whole thing - one I wouldn't trade. It was a priviledge and there's a kind of sweetness about it.

The homes here recommend the family/friends etc do not visit for a month, unless the person is ok with being in the home. It takes at least that much of time to become adjusted to new people/ schedules / food etc.

A month? That seems pretty extreme to me.

It does remind me a lot of when I used to work in a day care center. Some of the kids, especially when they were new there, would fuss and carry on the whole time their parent was there dropping them off. If the parent stayed and got emotional, the kid would milk it for all it was worth. As soon as the parent left, the kid would smile and go play. Happened over and over with lots of the kids. We'd tell the parents to go to work and then call us to see how their kid was doing and the answer was almost always "fine".

Mom does seem to be adjusting to home life, slowly, but in her own time. I don't think it will take a full month to start short family calls and visits. The issue is becoming more family. Mom has a lot of children and my brother is not accepting anything I say and stirring up trouble. He has always been a little distant till now. As soon as I asked for some time he insisted on visiting and calling, getting Mom quite upset. I feel like I am caught in the middle of a cruel game. It is all very exhausting mentally but at least I feel Mom is safe and well taken care of.. Thanks for continued insights.

I hope things are getting better. My Mom went into a nursing facility for rehab but when we tried to bring her home again it was beyond our abilities. She had to go back and it was the MOST heart wrenching thing I have ever done.
Somehow, she has lasted 2 years this past January. Just recently she's been crying about going home again, but it isn't possible. In our case, frequent visits made it easier for her but not for me. Staff at the facililty can make a huge difference as well both positive and negative. There are minor issues with one recently which is why Mom wants to come home. Of all things this staff person is not understanding Mom's limitations. Go figure. The social workers should also give you guidance. The ones where my Mom is have been wonderful.
Keep us posted.