Costs for assisted living, independent living and nursing home
10 years ago
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- 10 years ago
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Independant/Assisted Living VS Living at home
Comments (7)In the past few years I've gone through a similar, but not identical, situation with my mother. She was a very strong willed and intelligent woman, and the family struggled with her physical decline. My father died in 1980 and she coped with the house for several years afterwards. But eventually it was too much for her. She moved in with me 9 years ago, then into an independent living facility 3 years ago. She passed away just a couple weeks ago. (Guess that explains why I'm sitting at the computer sleepless at 3:30am!) The decision to move from my home into independent living was very painful for all of us, so I'm sympathetic with what you are going through. I guess it was about a 6 month process from the time we first started talking about it until it happened. With 2 parents involved, your process will likely take a little longer. We were able to finally convince my mother that we would handle all the parts of the move that she didn't know how to do, that we would be there often to help with church, doctor visits, groceries, weekly dinners out, etc. Our biggest concern about having her still at home was that she had no social life, no one close to her age to talk to and share with, and no one around for too many hours in the day. We were only here in the evenings and both my husband and I had to travel some for our jobs. It's very important for elderly folks who are on medications to eat at the same time every day so they can take their meds. With our work schedules, even though I changed jobs to be home more often, meal time wasn't as standard as she needed it to be. And she started falling down a lot. No injuries, but we knew it was only a matter of time. Like I said, it was a hard time for us all. She felt like we were kicking her out and we felt like we had failed and could not take care of her. But after checking out a couple places, she found one that appealed to her. She declared at the time that she would be dead in 6 months, but with so many stresses removed she lived 3 years and made many good friends. I won't tell you she ever stopped complaining but her life there was good and the people around her valued her friendship and the support she gave them. Asolo gave you good advice: without having your folks declared incompetent by the court, you can't force a power of attorney. They have to willingly sign it. And under no circumstances can you sign their Will. However, you can write the Will up and ask them to sign it - be sure to have it witnesses! I would recommend you keep it as simple as possible - maybe even just one page that states you and your siblings will split everything equally - that way you have the greatest chance of your father agreeing to sign it. Part of his grumpyness may be fear. It's scary to realize you aren't in control of your own life anymore and in many people that fear comes out as anger. If he was like that before, it will only get more pronounced as he ages. Your parents are lucky to have you there to help them and to try to make things easier for them. Be patient and take it slow. They are used to taking care of you, so it will be hard for them to see the roles switch. Let your parents have as much control and dignity as possible; they've earned it and they need it now more than ever. For my mother, depending on someone else felt like failure to her and there was no way to eliminate that. We just tried - and sometimes failed - to make it as easy as possible. But it was worth the effort. Kate...See Moreassisted living - regular or dementia unit?
Comments (30)I am reading a lot of similarities to what I have been dealing with my mother for the past 1-1/2 yrs. I wish you luck - as it can be soooo trying! 1. I received plenary guardianship of my 65 yr old mother just over a year ago. Here in FL, I'd say it was a fairly time consuming and expensive route (excess of $5K). I was pushed into seeking this formal route (vs power of attorney) because everyone was concerned my mother would have tried to revoke the POW. Now I see that wouldn't have been an issue --- she believes everything I tell her regarding legal issues and isn't motivated enough to find out otherwise - so I feel that I should have stayed with POW and avoided the aggrivation (annual Guardianship plans, annual Accounting, petitioning for various fees, guardianship accounts, etc). It's costing about $3500 per year now. I have an appt with a separate Elderly lawyer - family friend - to get advice on medicaid planning and to see how long I really need to retain this "guardianship attorney". 2. Whenever I need to do something that I believe mom is going to be upset about, I just tell her that it is "court appointed". She doesn't recall the hearing - but I assure her it is true. 3. She too was a heavy smoker and drinker (the actual cause of her dementia - alcohol persistent dementia). But, somehow she completely FORGOT that she did either. Now she says she smoked "years ago" and that she used to "have a drink or two of wine - socially". Ha. But, her doctor did specify (in a letter) that the ALF not allow her to have alcohol - that it would interfer with her blood pressure and diabetes management. Shock. 4. I sought out a memory care ALF due to recommendations from the court (via the 3 person, court appointed Examinining Committee). I toured several ALF's with memory-care units and they each assured me that their entire staff had special training to deal with dementia patients. Right. They call me every time that they cannot get my mom to wash her hair, that she puts the garbage in the wrong place, she leaves windows open, she eats the wrong things, etc. For cripes-sake - why can't they take care of these things if they're so well trained? I'm glad your mom (MIL ?) is taking fairly good to her placement and is actually taking part in some of the activities. My mom was so isolated - and will have nothing to do with the "old folks" and their "stupid crafts and games" in her ALF. Too bad. Again - good luck to you. What a duty, huh?...See MoreHow to talk to Dad about assisted living...? (long)
Comments (25)Hi fraternal member of the zoo, I'm sure that you'll be able to arrange an alternative, or successor, or "fall-back" Power of Attorney, and it'll be necessary to have each of the various alternatives (who gets incapacitated, dies, etc. first) provided for ... though with your Mom being deeply into Alzheimers, there's no way that she can be POA for Dad. You need both the financial situation, and the medical issues dealt with. I like the idea of having all/most of you have a meeting with lawyer and Dad. In fact, if Dad's lawyer isn't pretty well aware of the various ramifications at the moment, it might be a good idea for some of you to meet with him/her prior to your and her/his meeting with Dad, to get him/her up to speed. I wouldn't be at all surprised if he'll likely be able to convince your Dad of some stuff that you can't/haven't been able to, up till now. A while ago one of the posters around here, in the finance forum, told of talking till she was blue in the face with her husband about some financial situations that she, who is fairly literate financially, thought that they should do, to be met with world-class foot-dragging. When the financial planner, that they've been with for years and respect deeply, suggested pretty well the same thing(s), he agreed to pretty well everything like a little lamb. Well, not exactly that docile, I guess ... but sort of close. Whether her grinding had worn him down somewhat and the meeting with the planner pretty well was the tipping point, or whether he'd have gone along meekly if he hadn't heard such proposals earlier, I can't say, of course. But quite a few of us will go along with something proposed by a professional, when we wouldn't hear of it from someone else ... even a spouse (especially a spouse, perhaps?). I rather like the idea of them going into a facility in the place where two of the siblings live, if they can be together, would welcome/accept that idea and you feel that the siblings are willing and able to provide a great deal of the care that he needs (and will need increasingly, no doubt). And would actually come through, if that arrangement were to be set up. Has your Dad enjoyed a substantial amount of direct interaction with the folks who were his buddies through the years of his life, especially in recent years? Would he be able to phone them were he to move to the other city? Would he find that satisfactory? That seems to be about all that I have to suggest, at the moment. Good wishes to you all as you go about making the necessary decisions and putting them into effect. I send some good thoughts and hopes to you, with a prayer that you all may choose well and all be pleased with those choices after a period has elapsed. ole joyful...See MoreHow do you decide on an assisted living facility?
Comments (33)Today is a new, and better day. She was in such rotten shape yesterday and is much improved today. It's soooooo hard not to be there and to leave everything to sister. Sister cares much, but doesn't have a ton of patience. I talked to Mom this morning and slowly approached the subject of where to live. She really wants to go to a care home down the street from my sister and I'm not sure how to check it out, other than a visit. (Yes, a surprise visit is a good idea.) It's a crime that these places aren't rated and I don't know whether inspections are open to the public, and how hard they are to find. Chisue, I've thought of you and your husband a lot lately. Mom was put on Wellbutrin to counteract depression the narcotics bring, and that was a pain getting there. The "fabulous" neurologist" put her on another one at first that caused severe nausea as well as.....worse rsl. Way to go, big doctor--It took me 5 minutes of surfing to find out that drug increases symptoms. The neurologist has been of little help as well. I asked ds to ask her regular physician about Abilify, but he was against it, even though I told her what you had told me--I'm afraid I've forgotten the reason. At this point, I don't think we can mess with the meds too much as we try to get her more stable. Azzalea and Jim, thanks for the suggestions. You're right, I think she will be ok in assisted living. Sister really has been such a trooper and had to deal with a whole lotta unpleasantness yesterday. I have to not let her make a snap decision, which is a little tough because she's the one who is doing all the work. We all love our mom dearly and want what's best for her, for sure. Susan, prune juice is always a good idea but didn't do the trick this time. I'll keep you posted, if anyone is interested. THANK YOU again, for all your help and suggestions....See More
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