Sorry to see that you are getting slammed on this issue, blue-eyed-girl, when it is clear that you are agonizing over this decision. I guess that's the price of using a public forum like this. In support, I can totally understand why you would not want to talk with your mother (some experience of my own), and why you think it might be helpful to send him to his father's house. The past is the past, hopefully he can be a good father. The fact that the two of you have a good speaking relationship bodes well. We have many of the same issues with my stepson (ODD and some ADHD), and he has started to say he wants to live with his mother.The screaming and yelling, stomping, irritability etc.. is all very familiar to me. We had a talk with his mother about having consistent rules, bedtimes, etc..and I think that helps a lot. We are working hard on this issue right now. One thing that stood out to me is that it sounds like your husband is the dominant authority in your house. If you are truly the "mushpile", then your DH has to be the heavy-handed one. I don't think it is a good thing to have a stepparent take the lead in discipline. Though my SS was older when I entered the picture, I think he would be very resentful of me if I was doing the heavy discipline all the time. Best wishes and hoping that things will work out for the best, just remember, (and express!) that you truly love this kid.

I'm a stepmom of 2 kids... an 11-year old boy and a 14-year old girl... who live with my husband and I about 80% of the time. I have to say that I'm blessed - they are kind, loving and very respectful kids who have always treated me well. Even given that, I have to admit that I STILL find being a stepmom very challenging. I think like most stepmoms, I came into this situation with the desire to create a happy, harmonious environment for me and the man I married and his children. I still do. I care about these kids, and I want them to be happy and set up to have a successful life, emotionally and in every other way. But over time... again, even though my stepkids are such good kids... I have STILL found myself surprised at the amount of resentment (and sometimes even anger) that has built up in me. It's the result of a few factors I think. A big one for me is that I resent the fact that their own mother doesn't do more. I shared with my husband a few months back that he and his ex need to split the driving duties and other parenting responsibilities 50/50, while I only help out occasionally, versus me doing 70% of all of the pickups and drop offs for school and other activities. (Just because I work from home and have a flexible work schedule doesn't mean that I'm an on-call chauffeur for the kids.) Another big one is that my husband is happy to have his kids around all the time (of course, he's their dad!) while I really need time away from them where it's just the two of us. No matter how nicely I may share with my lovely husband that I need more time with him (i.e. on the third week in a row that their mom wants us to take them during the weekend when she is supposed to have them) on some level he'll always hear it like I am rejecting his children. This has caused major friction in our marriage. His children, their mom's lack of care for them and him making me feel like I need to fill the gap (or I'm not being supportive) is really the only thing we fight about. Before you call me evil, let me explain: So much of being a stepmom is holding your tongue. I really care about the emotional well being of my stepkids, and I don't ever want to say or do anything that may cause them pain or make them feel uncomfortable or unwelcome in my home. I'm not a jerk or anything, I'm a pretty kind person I think. But the amount of stuff that you may want to say out loud that you don't... about the kids, their mom, whatever... it's a lot. On some level, I feel like I'm always monitoring what I do and say. It's tiring. I have to admit that it's nice when they go to their moms, so that I can "turn off" so to speak and just BE in my own home. So I look forward to that time. It also gives me a chance to miss them and appreciate them even more when they come back! I see so many comments attacking stepmoms, and I'm sure there are some majorly s***ty ones out there, but there's also a lot of well-meaning ladies that really do care for the kids in their care. But guys, I'd just ask you to remember that these ARE NOT our kids. Everything we do for them, we do out of love for you. And it can be very draining. A mom gets fed by the unconditional love that flows effortlessly between her and her biological child. A stepmom does not. She gives a lot and really doesn't get a lot back. Overtime, you can start to feel like the hired help, a guest in your own home, and the lowest person on the totem pole. My advice for the original poster? If you're not willing to change the kids' schedule, then offer an alternative that she can work with - hiring a nanny. Seriously. I don't say that to be an a-hole, but really, it sounds like your wife is stuck in what's called a "double bind." She wants to support you by helping you with your kids (she LOVES you, after all) but at the same time, she really doesn't want to be doing most of what she is doing... but by not doing it, she feels she would be letting you down. It's a lose lose. Add on top of that the pain of losing the baby, and she is growing to resent the lot of you. Take the burden off of her. Look into hiring a nanny to carry most of the load. Yes, it will cost you some money, but hiring a nanny is much less expensive than paying for a divorce. Also consider setting a date night for just the two of you once per week that you don't break (and when you do go out, don't talk about your kids!). Much love to you and your situation x

Thank you all for your comments. Please keep them coming! An update on my situation. Things are getting more confusing to say the least. SD has moved the date of her departure (to go to FL to live with BioDad) twice now. First the date was after Christmas day, now it is right after New Years so that she can spend New Years with her steady boyfriend. Obviously things are not, and never have been, oppressive to SD at our home. SD has developed her first real steady boyfriend, both 17 yr's old, and they see each other most every day. They have played by the rules and we basically like the young man. Yet, SD is still openly planning to move in with BioDad in FL. Leaving behind not only her friends, her mother and me, and now her first steady boyfriend of 3 months now. We just can't understand why SD is willing to leave so much behind to go live in FL where she will start over, mid-year in 11th grade, have to make new friends, just to get some big ticket toys. I am so disappointed in her decision. I do believe that she will move. BioDad has told SD that he is going to place her in a church group, force her to be active in his ("born again" style) church, and that he will allow her to live in the "private apartment mother-in-law suite" in his new "country club" style home. SD will atend the local public High School, and BioDad is supposedly promising a "white jeep" and a cell phone with unlimited minutes, new fancy bedroom furniture, a couch in her "apartment", etc. BioDad is also saying that he will "make her successful in school so that she doesn't just have to marry for money" Really! This is all so weird to us. We were active in a church (Methodist) and SD refused to go after she turned 15. Why in the world is SD willing to walk away from her life with us, and into this situation I describe in FL? And leave her boyfriend behind explaining to us "if it was meant to be, it will last." SD is definitely planning to move on Jan 3rd now, and the plans are all seemingly in motion. Funny thing is, SD is apparently not returning BioDad's phone calls very often. SD is still telling us she is definitely moving. What in the world do you think is going on here? Thanks for your ideas and insight!

Our experience has been the same as gardengal's. Mother moved from her home to a one bedroom independent living apartment. Many of her antiques, all of her jewelry. And, she'd worked several years at a jewelry store....and found those employee cost + 10% terms very hard to pass ;0) From independent to a facility that was both independent and assisted when she needed a little more help. Again, a one bed apartment. I moved her in February to a studio in a facility where she gets more attention after finding response time too slow where she was, staff too limited. It's working out perfectly. She is in a studio apartment in a wing called enhanced assisted. Not full time nursing but more attention while still giving her some independent opportunities, stimulation, activities she may choose. Her own furniture and some of her antiques. Some of her jewelry still - because she asked for it, and its hers. Nothing has ever been missing, disturbed, 'borrowed'. Her antique barristers cabinet is outside her apartment at the hallway end. It was that, or storage and I didn't want to take it away from her. It holds some of her porcelain and pincushion dolls, family photos in antique frames, some of her books. No one has touched it other than housekeeping when dusting or cleaning the glass doors. This last facility is huge, and lovely. Every level of care from just reaching the point of wanting dining room meals and housekeeping, to full memory care. I moved her in February and am still carrying a map in my purse ;0) It's on enough acres it has three postal addresses depending on which wing one is residing in. An enormous staff as you can imagine, everyone so far has been helpful and honest. I've yet to meet or hear of a light fingered neighbor.