Father needs help, stepmom wants kids to move out
zapruder75
17 years ago
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Vivian Kaufman
17 years agoweed30 St. Louis
17 years agoRelated Discussions
Divorced Father with 5 yr old son (Mother moved out of state)
Comments (5)Good afternoon everyone, thank you for the follow-ups. asolo, although that might be ideal, I'm not sure if I can legally do that right now? Our settlement states that sheÂs entitled to reasonable contact on whatever terms and conditions the two of us agree. mimi_boo and larke, I have an attorney since I've already gone through the divorce and parenting plan process. My attorney, based on information regarding a domestic violence incident in 2009 where she was put in jail overnight and ordered to take anger management class, said he didn't think it would be unreasonable for me to withhold my consent for out of state contact. That makes me feel alot better knowing I can prove that to the courts if she decides to fight for visitation in Ohio. She really can't do anything right now anyways since she doesn't have the money to hire an attorney. I will probably just wait it out and see if she backs down. She has been known to go on the path of promising but not delivering anyways. I'm just thankful that my son is with me right now, and he seems very happy and doing well in school. Thank you all again....See MoreStepmom of adult children needs help! Totally frustrated
Comments (23)I mentioned last May that both SD25 and SD24 raged at us, mainly their Dad, for neglecting them, and leaving them out and not spending time with them. DH and I both are very sensitive people, and took this very hard coming from them. It caused to to reflect and examine our behavior to them, and did we really do what we are being accused of? We felt that we were unjustly accused. So, to be objective, and look at facts, I made a journal starting the month in September 2005 when I met their Dad. I logged into the journal every time that we had contact with them. I included times that we actually visited them, where the visit was, what we did, and who picked up the tab. I also included all of the times that we invited them, but they turned us down. Mind you that we wouldn't just say, can you come Friday night at 6pm. We'd say something more like, "We have off of work for the next 3 days, would you like to get together sometime in the next three days?" We tried to be extremely accomodating with our schedule, because we placed a high importance on spending time with them. DH never said, as one of the posts said that he told his girls that, "Sorry I don't have time for you". He bent over backwards to try to do things with them, and make them feel comfortable with the new marriage. My journal showed an average of every 2 weeks or twice a month that we actually spent time with SD24. With SD25 it was about 1 time a month, but she was attending college out of our area, so it is natural to see her less. When my son went to college his freshman year, I said Good Bye in August, and didn't see him til Christmas. He never accused me of neglecting him. He knew I was sacrificing in order to help pay his tuition, and he was pretty glad to get home at Christmas. After Christmas break, we saw him at Easter, then not til college dismissed in June. I have no regrets, and DS23 doesn't feel neglected. Also it was a HUGE change for DS23 because I filed for divorce from his father, after 25 years, right before Christmas. He went to school in the fall with a whole family, and came home to a mess on Christmas break. Never accused me of neglecting him! And a huge stress on his shoulders. With SS29 we see him about 5 times a year since he lives 1200 miles away, they come home quite often. But SS29 never complains about being neglected. SS29 is always polite and respectful, just clueless about social graces. SD24 would sometimes say to us that her DH didn't want to always have to do the driving to come over and spend time with us. They live an hour away from us. So, my DH said to her, "What do you want us to do? Do you want us to just invite ourselves to your house? You're newly weds, should we just pop in without an invitation? We've never been invited to your place." Her answer was that we were welcome any time. So again, DH said, "should we just show up on your doorstep at mealtime?" An hour is a long way to drive when you don't know if anyone is going to be home or not. We clearly don't feel comfortable barging in on our young adult children without an invitation. Yet an invitation almost never came. SD24 invited her Dad over and made him a delicious birthday dinner 18 months ago. That was the last invitation from her to do anything with her. Like I said, my journal showed either we visited or made invitations that were turned down on average of every 2 weeks for the past 3 years! The invites were sometime as a couple, and sometimes just Dad. It depended on our schedules. Sometime I'd be working, and he'd make plans with his kids while I was at work, etc. Same thing with phone calls, they hardly ever call just to visit with him to see how he's doing, or to see if he would like to get together with them. He does almost 100% of the contacting. They usually contact him when they need something from him, or when there is some benefit in it for them, or obligatory times like his birthday, etc. I made a pact with myself in September 2008 that I was going to stop trying so hard to gain their approval, stop contacting them altogether. I have been and will continue to be polite to them, try as hard as I know how to make them feel comfortable and welcome in our home, and I will answer any communication that they direct my way. I will NOT initiate any communication from me to them. The ball is in their court now. None of my 3 SK have contacted me since September, except my SS29'sW who emailed to see when I was sending out the Easter outfits for the SGKs. They have been told by their father, that they are welcome here anytime, they don't even need to call ahead. He said it would be better if they'd phone ahead, but they are always welcome. We think that kids should always have a standing invitation at their parents house. My DH actually cries sometimes. He is very sensitive. He feels that his daughters have neglected him! He has confronted them about this, and they say that things will change. And they do for about 2 weeks. Then they drop out of circulation until he hunts them down again. DH feels that he should do his part as a responsible parent, and try to build the relationship. If they don't do their part that is their decision, but he has the confidence of knowing that he has tried to spend time with them....See Morei don't want to be the evil stepmom
Comments (57)I understand your situation so well. My boyfriend is ultra touchy about his 5 year old too so I know what it feels like to be in a no win situation. And I've often felt like an intrusion myself. My boyfriend can shout very ugly insults to me as well when it comes to his child. I also understand your disappointment about possibly not having children with your husband. I never considered myself maternal, but I fell so madly for my boyfriend that I actually thought one day it would be great to have a child of our own, but that possbility is very small. He's crazy about his son, but his arrival was not planned and I don't think my boyfriend wants to do it again. There are so many negatives to staying in a situation like that for me that I'm considering cutting my loses as hard as it will be. For you, since you are married and in way deeper than I am (at least legally), I would try counselling. Dealing with three children that are not your own, I can only imagine how overwhelming that is. If your husband won't go with you, then go for yourself. But try to do it with your husband because sometimes people are so clouded by what means so much to them (your husband's children) that they can't see what they're doing until a 3rd party points it out. I know it easier said than done because my boyfriend flat out told me he won't do counselling. It really broke my heart. He's extremely cold at times and it's sad. But even if your husband won't go, you still probably need to go for your own sanity....See MoreWills? Stepmom of grown kids, no kids of own
Comments (4)What are we talking about? This can be real touchy. Are we talking about what we think of your husband making his children heirs and eliminating your relatives--and vice versa? In my view, it should have something to do with when and how the assets came about. If you want to do a bunch of math, you can make a mathematical kind of decision--each person to have a percent of the total estate depending on how and where the assets came from. Sometimes a person will have received particular kind of favors that could be considered part of an inheritance. Someone I knew left one of their kids a greater inheritance than given to the rest of the siblings because he had a large family. Another person received more because he didn't have the help of a wife (that worked), like the rest of his siblings. When it comes to giving our assets away--I think whatever we do, it should reflect the way we think things should be. People's feelings get hurt over this kind of stuff. Sometimes a son or daughter could be real sorrow, yet there is a nephew that is always there to lend some joy to our heart--what's right? Do you and your husband have assets that were acquired before the marriage? If your husband had assets before he married and those assets diminished because he got married, or if those assets increased because he got married, I believe these are things that deserve consideration. Sometimes a mate will think that because they worked and saved all the money they made, that their savings should be left to whomever they please. This is touchy if this person didn't equally contribute to all the money spent as a couple. What about monies that were acquired because of being an heir to something that could be considered an asset, or because of an insurance policy, or some settlement kind of money. To me, receiving these kind of monies is personal and this too should be taken into consideration if part of a person's estate. I like the idea of getting rid of my assets, etc. while I am still alive and the rest put into a joint-survivorship arrangement. Of course, if you are fairly young--this might not be a good idea. Well, it might not be a good idea for many reasons. I knew someone that had their Will come up missing (stolen) after they died, and the estate had to be administered by the rules of the county probate court. The person's desires were never able to be carried out....See Morekasey9195
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