I am so sorry for your loss. Please don't blame yourself for your Mom's death. She was under medical care, it was the medical professionals responsibility to explain any signs or symptoms to watch for that would indicate she was in trouble. You are not a professional. You did the best you could for her. As Ann Landers used to say, you may need professional help to deal with your grief. I am so sorry.

So sorry to hear that. My husband had several bleeding ulcers. His blood count was down to 6 when he had a stroke like problem. I didn't know there was anything wrong and I was with him every day. I think it was Exlon or something like that caused the ulcers. It was for Alzheimer's.

25 years after the fact I'm still regretting no being with my Mom when she died. I know I made a call based on the best info available, but somehow, what I know and what my heart feels don't agree.

So, I know it's not easy not to blame yourself with all the 'if onlys' that you can think of, but, always remember that you really did the best you could with the time you had and the info you were given.

My call name says it all. Those of us who care for disabled family know too well that they have minds of their own and do the darnedest things... like your Mom wanting a cigarette, and there isn't a whole lot we can do to stop them if they're determined enough. You did your best, and you just have to remember: there is no Wonder Woman. And, I'm truly sorry for the loss of your dear mother.

Thanks for your words.

I understand your sorrow and regret. I too, took care of my mother, who was 93 yrs old when she died. Many times I did not feel adequate to the task, but I cared for her with love and she knew it. Over the seven years she lived with us, she had slowly lost stability walking. I had to be next to her or behind her all the time. She knew she was never to get up to get anything or use her bedside commode unless someone was with her. She complained about feeling like a prisoner. We explained to her that she could have safety...or... freedom, but that that point in her life, not both at the same time.

One day, she opted to get up by herself, and even with her walker, fell forward and cracked a vertebra in her neck. While not life-threatening, it was painful. That however was not the thing that was the problem. The head jolt she suffered when she tucked her head with the fall, caused her to go into a severe dementia and physical decline .She died 4 1/2 months after her injury, in my arms. Before her mind was gone, she was able to let me know that she knew how much I had done for her. She knew I loved her.

No matter how much care and trying to keep her safe, she still made the decision to do things "her way." As caregivers we cannot wrap our loved ones in a bubble. We cannot make them do what is best for them ...or even understand why it is best for them. We cannot know everything a medical person might know. We CAN do the best we can, learning all that we can, and loving them as fully as we can...and much better than a professional" caregiver would. (Your mom's doctors even missed the signs of her illness.)

The attitude with which we care for them is important. I regret the times I wasn't as caring as I should have been or reacted badly. I think she understood it because having raised me, she knew what she had gone though as my mom. She knew she had not done it perfectly, just as I hadn't, but the love went both ways...even as we reversed roles.

Cherish the memories, the love, and what you learned from her. Caring for a loved one can be one of the hardest things we do in life, but in my case, and I hope in yours, one of the best and most important things. A time for growth and maturing. Walking in her shoes gave me a look toward my future, even as I now look at the past. For me, God used the time to draw me closer to Him, to refine me and trust Him, no matter what.

Take care...

christmasbaby, you are right, it's just that it's hard not to think about the 'what if's'. I know it's irrational but I often wish I could go back in time, with the knowledge I have now. Mom's already gone but these thoughts sneak in my mind, that maybe if I had done things differently, she'd still be here.
I also feel that during these hard times, I'm just going to have to grow and mature, and I'm trying to get closer to the Lord, but it's just so so bittersweet, so hard to understand.

Unfortunately, situations happen.

My mother took care, a heroic effort best as she could, of her maternal aunt & uncle who had no kids themselves. The uncle had a stroke in 1994, mostly paralyzed on the left side. The aunt kept him at home, while deteriorating herself over the years. Mom tried and tried to help them, and get help for them, but Auntie was vehemently resistant. Finally for lack of any recourse, Mom got Adult Protective Services involved, which ultimately required that they be taken out of their home of 50 years in September 2003.

The first night in the nursing home in a room together, she got out of bed for the bathroom, against the protests of her husband ... fell and broke her hip. She died two weeks later. Mom was devastated and felt guilty for something completely out of her control. Leastwise such a tragedy happened at the facility. If at their home under the circumstances, no telling how long she would have laid there. Uncle wasn't able to use the phone and surely couldn't have left the house to find help.

He lived for 6 more years at the nursing home.