I confess I winced when I saw the post title, but did read the post in its entirety before judging. As the parent of an adult developmentally disabled daughter I would not use, at least in a forum such as this, the word "retarded" in the way the OP did in the subject line. Please, before you categorize me as a language nazi, hear me out: Because of the careless widespread use of 'retard' and 'retarded' to describe things, people and phenomenon that are "stupid" there is a cringe factor, esp among us who have been exposed to, live, love and suffer with the mentally retarded. (I get to use the expression because I know what it really means. A bit of tongue in cheek here) I could see immediately no offense was meant and on my part none taken. There was a very similar situation a while ago, and perhaps even now. Somehow the expression "Jap Map" started showing up in the Trees Forum. It was an entirely innocent abbreviation, and its rhyming increased readablity. Finally, someone related, very kindly, that the word "Jap" has a history freighted with hatred and disparagement. One might consider twice before using it a public forum in an unclear context. I would suggest the same about "Astilbes Retarded!" Unfortunately, there's contemporary double entendre that more than one of us picked up on. I just can't help wondering if a bit of shock factor was at play, even if entirely unintended. So I reiterate my perspective that better words could have been chosen for the Topic, while the body of the question uses the word "retarded" perfectly appropriately. Sorry to deliver such a missive in response to an innocent question. I just wanted to bring another perspective from someone who cares deeply about the subject of mental retardation but is most certainly not a language Nazi. And I hope very, very much it is clear I am not criticizing the OP. I just think language is very complicated and occasionally we stumble, even in our mother/father tongue. Yours, Marie

The plant retail business is not for me, thankfully. I've seen enough, like all of you, to know that most consumers are common-sense-challenged when it come to plants and keeping them alive. It's one thing for a plant to not flourish under correct conditions and ask for a refund, but people generally abuse their plants and expect garden centers to refund money. Most of the time, the plant is planted in the wrong spot, not hardy in this area, overwatered, or underwatered. A neighbor of mine bought 6 jasmine trees and planted them around his home outside. Of course they died over the winter becayse they are not hardy for this zone. He actually dug the dead trees up and returned them to the store. A friend of mine asked me to look at her dying shrubs and plants which she paid to have put in by a landscaper recently. Everything looked bone dry and I asked her how she was watering the plants. She indicated that she sprinkled water over top of them, but the thundershowers lately did the job so she didn't even have to water with the hose! Where do you begin with someone like this...LOL. I had to explain that overhead watering is not the proper way to water, how much water plants require, especially new plantings, and that pop up thundershowers only wet the soil surface and do nothing really for the plant. She was ready to call the landscaper and have the plants returned, geez. The hanging basket people get me the most. They water the plant and it comes out the bottom of the pot, but they really have let the plant dry out so much that the soil is repelling water down the sides and running out. They return the plant half dead and wonder why. Basically, they didn't know how to water the plant properly. Etc...etc...etc...The only good benefit of half dead returns is that they may get clearanced and I'll buy them to rejuvinate and plant at local schools and public places.

AuntJen, I agree that differing opinions can definitely work in a marriage, but it depends on what those differences are. Politics is one thing I could see people having lovely discussions regarding their differences. Religion too - to some degree. Money - way differing opinions on this one I see a major issue in a marriage. If one person is a crazy spender, and the other not - even having separate accounts can't bridge this over the years. I also think if you don't have kids, you are much more accommodating of others individual preferences, beliefs etc. But once you throw in a few kids, things change. Religion is a biggie especially between Jews and Christians. There's some real fundamental differences here - how do you raise your children to appreciate both religions? I would find this very confusing to children - you have to pick one at the primary and then perhaps expose them to the other religion and allow them to choose when they're older. I too believe marriage is much more than just sex and having a good time with someone. If you don't have some core values shared between you, it makes what is already a difficult partnership over time even harder. Add a few children and all of a sudden life is alot more difficult and you start to wonder - what did I see in this guy?

I believe that this woman faces mental abuse without a doubt because I myslef is being subjected to very similar ways within my marriage. I never looked at it this way before but after reading her story i realize that it does exist and that i need to put my foot down and stop taking this type of treatment. I have only been married for 2 months prior to that i we started talking about 8 months before i got pregnant im 8 months pregnant with his child now. At this point in my pregnancy I lost my job and I stay at home it took him 5 months for us to move in to his parents house in the second floor. Initially I wanted an abortion when i found out that i was pregnant because I knew i wasnt ready financially to maintain a child as well as I didnt feel the timing was right. I come from strict parents who do not tolerate this type of behavior getting pregnant before marriage is a big no no So I was dating him at that time when I found out I was pregnant we werent officially boyfriend/ girlfriend but I did get the opportunity to meet his family and friends and they all seemed like really genuinely nice people, he however was a charmer and me being naive and vulernable decided to tag along. i knew he drank and partied alot but I kept thinking to myself that he would change I was going to end our relationship at the end of that summer i got pregnant but when i told him that i was pregnant he was so happy and i felt a warmth in my heart that ok this is his child too and to end this pregnancy would be wrong. boy did i ever regret not doing it, he became controlling and over powering, he wanted things his way or no way, i let alot of things slide, now that we have been married he would go out with his friends and cousins and leave me all alone, i was horribly sick with the cold so badly and he would ask me if i wanted to go out to a house party when im all conjested and cant breathe when i talk to him about it he yells back at me especially when hes drunk, he wants his food brought to him in bed while he watches tv he'll leave the trash piled up for days and ill have to take it out and being pregnant he wants me to clean the floor with a cloth on my knees and tells me to clean up before he comes home, and when he goes out drinking im thinking he"ll come back and we'll watch a movie or cook dinner together and he just comes to bed throw his socks on the floor n his coat on the bed and his hat wherever he feels like. then when i try to retaliate he wont let me speak only his point of view matters he dont care what i have to say or how i feel, i try to stand up for myself i know im soft spoken so he can easily talk over me. he claims he does everything for me and no other guy would do what he does.He says that i take advantage over him. he hasnt bought a thing for our baby yet he relies on everyones assistance, my family bought the car seat and stroller, instead he bought two tvs and games. Another thing he never bought anything for the kitchen yet i had to take money from my parents because I lost my job a few months ago to go by groceries sometimes and when i do he asks for receipts. whats worse is his mother and sister defends him constantly, they would call my phone and asks where he went and did he eat. they use my car for everything to the point where it got dents and scratches on it. If his sister does something for me he tells me im not appreciative he has a way of turning the tables on me making me feel guilty. When hes the one that neglects me and I have to simply tolerate it. Like this weekend for example friday he went out drinking when i call his phone he picks up and says he'll be some soon hes up the block or i kept on constantly calling his phone because i am sick a cold to bring me some food. He left home around 4 pm didnt get home until 1 am, thats not all saturday still wasnt feeling good i said ill go by my moms but was indecisive he told me he was going out to a club i was ok then ill go by my mom for the night he calls me next morning at 7 hasnt slept or didnt go home yet, then picks me up goes to the liqour store gets beers and alcohol brings his cousins over then decides to leave me home alone and goes to his cousins house to watch the game and tells me to cook when im sick and can barely eat anything have no sense of taste and cant breathe. Theres no double standard here in this relationship when i try talking to him about it he'll say "i know babe but im working on it you know how i am " so its like i just have no choice but to tolerate it. He paints a picture that we are about to have a family and we going to be happy but its all a show. i just feel manipulated and trapped and confused he uses love as a way to somehow make me feel that he cares but truly its just a tactic to get me to give in to his ways. I am young and I will admit was naive and i believe i let my low self esteem get in the way of things but its sad that i cant find a way to get up and leave or even talk to my parents about it my mom went into a deep depression as a result of this and i have to be there for her my dad just blames me for getting pregnant if there are any suggestions for help out there please let me know im on the verge of desperation.