Moral or ethics question

14 years ago

I want to give money to beggars. I feel sorry for them. Maybe they could work and maybe they couldn't, or maybe they're sick or mentally ill, I have no way of knowing. I just look at some of these poor old people and think that if it was my mother or father, and I couldn't be there to help, I would want someone to take pity on them.

Then there's my sister. She's used drugs since high school, got her kids hooked on drugs too. She had good jobs that she got fired from for misbehavior, lying on time sheets, etc. It's doubtful that she will have enough points to draw social security when she reaches retirment age, and She's only 53 now. My mom pays sis's rent and utilities and buys her groceries every month.

Now she has serious health problems, is borderline psychotic, can't work, and is miserable. I feel sorry for her too and want to help her. And I did give her money a couple of times. Afterwards, she expected me to continue giving her money regularly like a paycheck because I was 'rich' and she was 'poor.' She said she deserved it and I could afford it, so why didn't I?

I'm not rich, I work full time. I was in the Navy reserve for 27 years, which is a very demanding second job. I have money to live well and I also have three duaghters of my own, two are in the military, and the eldest got out of the Navy and got her degree using her GI Bill. I give my kids money occasionally if they need it.

So, if I don't want to give money to my indigent sister, is it wrong to give money to an indigent stranger? If I give money gifts to my kids, should I also give money gifts to my sister? What would you do in my place?

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Comments (8)

freshair2townsquare
14 years ago
i have no experience in this area, but i've often heard the book "boundaries" recommended for questions similar to this

i've typed, then deleted, a handful of other statements

i hope you find peace in this - dealing with family members with different ways of life can be difficult

~ freshair
jolanaweb
14 years ago
Cheryl, it is your money and you can do what you want with it. I think there is a big difference between giving your kiddos money or a sister that sounds like she messed up her life along with her kiddo's. If you want to give to panhandlers that is your business, whatever you do, it should be what you want to do and you shouldn't feel bad for doing
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little_dani
14 years ago
I agree with Jolana. It is your money. It matters not if you are rich. If you are, more power to you, but that doesn't mean that you have to pay for anything that you don't want to pay for, or share anything you don't want to share.

Janie
marlingardener
14 years ago
Seamommy,
Your generosity is to be commended, as well as your confusion about whom should receive your gifts. Moral dilemmas are rare these days!
Your children have proven their responsibility; you do not know the circumstances that drove people to begging. However, you do know why your sister is in such dire straits--and it is very unlikely she will ever change. You can enable her to continue on her self-destructive course, or you can tell her "no" and continue to give where you think your gifts may help someone.
You are a good person, and don't let anyone tell you different!
pjtexgirl
14 years ago
I have been in your situation. I ended up going to 12 step self-help meetings (for me go figure!) to figure out what to do. My answer was custom fitted to my situation. It was not the answer I would've expected, and as they promised my changes helped the situation dramatically. It was not a quick fix easy answer and took about 5 years to take hold.
Your answer might be totally different and take less or more time.
I also give to charity through my church in the form of canned easy-to-eat foods I buy with my regular groceries each week. I also contribute cash tithe to the church who help those in need with bills etc.. as they can. I do not give cash to street people. I do not wish to enable thier addictions that put them there in the first place. There are places for them to go for food,shelter and clothes that anyone can contribute to independently if they wish. Handing out water is a great thing tho. Dehydration is a real threat to thier health.
If you'd like to know more about the self-help group feel free to email me. PJ
rick_mcdaniel
14 years ago
All charity is a matter of personal choice. You should do what makes sense for your situation, and your wishes.

However, applying money, to a non-monetary problem, such as the one you describe with your sister, is a no-win situation. It does you no benefit, and it does her no benefit, because it doesn't change the behaviors, nor solve the problems.

You should look at what will actually work, and if money can't make it work for the better, then there's little point in throwing money at it.
beachplant
14 years ago
I don't give money to MOST street people. I believe you make your choices in life. You want to drink, smoke crack, do meth, I'm not going to support you. We all have a relative or 2 like you describe, some worse, some better. I've always found it interesting that someone can sit, smoking a cigarette, watch me work or load the car or whatever then ask for money. Get up and go to work!
But, that being said, there are several street people in Galveston I will give my last penny to. One is a guy who hangs out by the postoffice, he had a devastating brain injury several years ago. Prior to the storm he would wash windows but lost all his stuff in the storm and got ill. If I see him when I'm driving by I'll turn around and take him some cash. Most mentally ill won't ask for money though, and some will even run from people. In the months after the storm we had a big increase in what I call borderline people, those that kind of scam their way through life, they act sincere, want to help, are tooo nice and then take. But they have mostly left for greener pickings at the next disaster site. Being on an island you get to know the regulars, whose standing in front of Walmart begging then going to drink behind the building. Some guy tried to get money out of us the other day, told us he was working at the car wash across the street but it was slow and business was down. The car wash across the street is self-service, at least tell a good lie! Kansas City had people on the corners with signs that said they were homeless they held up when the traffic stopped. I told my cousin I was going to write one that said ME TOO! and hold it up when we went past. No favors were done to the mentally ill by releasing them to live on the streets. Some people will never be able to take care of themselves and they deserve our help and support.

I'd feed my sister but wouldn't give her money no matter what she said.

And advocates for the homeless discourage giving people money,they would rather you direct them to the charities and organizations.
Tally HO!
denisew
14 years ago
I think you need to do with your money what you feel is right. We give money for an "angel fund" at our church every month to help the poor with things like paying electricity, rent, etc. We also give food to our local food pantry and donate usable clothing items to a community group that helps those who are out of a job, homeless or otherwise need assistance. I don't think I would give money to anyone begging on the streets, but will give money to organizations that help people like that. Maybe your sister and her siblings would benefit from a drug rehab program? I am sorry to hear she chose that route in life. It is a hard road and I pray she finds the help she needs, but it doesn't necessarily mean it should be you that pays her way. She has to want to kick the drug habit and get help. Maybe your way of helping her would be emotional and moral support instead of monetary.

Moral or ethics question

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freshair2townsquare

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