Do you speak Texan???

ltcollins1949

17 years ago

We have a relative by marriage that has a granddaughter that is "fixin" to move to Texas and wants to learn how to speak "Texan", so I sent the following to her today.

"Now all Y'all know somethin' 'bout us Southerners!"

Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit, and that you don't "HAVE" them, you "PITCH" them.

_____

Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up "a mess."

_____

Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder."

_____

Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is, ... as in: "Going to town, be back directly."

_____

Even Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table.

_____

All Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.

_____

Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin!

_____

Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right far piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20.

_____

Only a Southerner, both knows and understands, the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.

_____

No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.

_____

A Southerner knows that "fixin" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.

_____

Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines, ... and when we're "in line," .. we talk to everybody!

_____

Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're related, even if only by marriage.

_____

In the South, y'all is singular, .... all y'all is plural.

_____

Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.

_____

Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.

_____

When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin'," you kn ow you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!

_____

Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it -- we do not like our tea unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.

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And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say,"Bless her heart" ... and go your own way.

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To those of you who are still a little embarrassed by your Southerness: Take two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy and call me in the morning. Bless your heart!

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And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all this Southern stuff, ... bless your hearts, I hear they are fixin' to have classes on Southernness as a second language!

_____

And for those that are not from the South but have lived here for a long time, all y'all need a sign to hang on y'alls front porch that reads "I ain't from the South, but I got here as fast as I could."

____

Bless your hearts, ... y'all have a blessed day.

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Comments (9)

rick_mcdaniel
17 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Texan is a bit different than Southern. In Texan, the drawl is longer, but clearer, than in southern.

Of course Southern is also subject to local interpretation: i.e. there is mountain speak, there is plantation speak, there is cajun speak, and there is backwoods speak. Sorta have similarities, but with local color.
jolanaweb
17 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
All true, Texan or Southern, lol
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pjtexgirl
17 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
I sure as heck don't. I adore my Southern friends and feel kinda bad to interupt them when they're excited about something saying, "Who did what with Adam's best ox???Who's Adam...?" LOL.PJ
beachplant
17 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
I speak Gulf Coast, it's kinda like Texan. Ya gotta ask for sweet tea, usually ya gotta choice.
Distance is referred to as "over the causeway" or "out west".
Three southern ladies were swingin' on the veranda one afternoon. They were a fannin, and a sippin when the first one drawled out "Well, mah husband finally bought me that jag-u-r I've been a wantin'."
"Ain't that nice" replied the third.
"Well, MAH husband just put in a new pool for me" drawled out the third.
"Ain't that nice" replied the third.
They sipped and fanned for a while and the first leaned on over to the third and asked "well, honey what has YOUR husband done for ya'll lately?"
"Why he sent me to that fancy charm school just last month. I learned to say 'ain't that nice' instead of F#%@ ya'll". Politely replied the third.
Ain't that nice?
Tally HO!
kateyes
17 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
ROTFL
Beachplant - that's hilarious!!!
mikeandbarb
17 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Tally, that is a real ROFLMAO Love it.

Here are some old Texan drawl:

Window = Wind-der

Amarillo = Amarill-ah

Colorado = Cod-ah-ray-duh

Yellow = Yell-ah = Yeller

Wash = Warsh
stitches216
17 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Thanks Linda and Tally, great stuff for big laughs!

Do any of y'all know who I mean by Mattress Mac? I have never in my life heard anyone with a Texas accent who talked so fast. I can't hear that fast! A couple of the professors in Waco and Dallas on north to Wichita Falls, I've heard talk something like that, but never close to Mac's speed.

My favorite Texas talker is a grand white lady I know up north in the Piney Woods. I don't want to say exactly where because if I do, every professional photographer is gonna go to her directly and offer her lots of money for her help. She's more pro than they could ever be, I guarantee!

Since the days of Polaroids - heckfire, maybe since the days of Tin Type! - she's never been one to get smiles by exhorting: "Say Cheese!" She always got right to business and still today, 90 something years old, lines up with us for family photos and gets a smile on every face, every time, with a perfectly timed alternative: "All right now, ever-body...saaaay f#%@!"
ltcollins1949
Original Author
17 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Anyone that has ever lived in Houston has to know good old "Mattress Mac". I don't live in Houston anymore, but I assume that he is still doing TV commercials up there. And when we lived in Houston, I sometimes would purchase furniture from his store. It was not unusual for him to make personal follow-up telephone calls to see if we were satisfied. I'm sure he is too busy for that today.

Down here in Rockport, we get the Corpus Christi stations. One commercial is for a local furniture store which is owned by an older couple. It's so funny to watch the man do his own impersonation of "Mattress Mac". HA!
beachplant
17 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Mattress Mac is from up north somewhere. And Texans talk faster than the rest of the south.
If you buy Aqua net by the case you might be a Texan.
If your favorite cologne is OFF you might be a Texan.
If you've ever gotten up, put on a coat over your shorts & bikini top you might be a Texan.
If the only spanish words you know are curse words, cerveza and banos you might be a Texan.
Tally HO!

Do you speak Texan???

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rick_mcdaniel

jolanaweb

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Do you speak Texan???

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