Does that mean the frog's gonna croak!!!

Hehehe, you goober

Okay Jolana, two for you. :o)

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A nerd was walking on campus one day when his friend, another nerd, rode up on an incredible shiny new bicycle.

The first nerd was stunned and asked, "Where did you get such a nice bike?"

The second nerd replied, "Well, yesterday I was walking home minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up to me on this bike.

She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want!'"

The second nerd nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

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10 Signs Your Amish Teen's In Trouble

10. Sometimes stays in bed till after 6 am.

9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.

8. Shows up at barn raisings in full "Kiss" makeup.

7. When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou sucketh!"

6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy."

5. Defiantly says, "If I had a radio, I'd listen to disco!."

4. You come upon his secret stash of colorful socks.

3. Uses slang expression: "Talk to the hand, cause the beard ain't listening."

2. Was recently pulled over for "driving under the influence of cottage cheese."

1. He's wearing his big black hat backwards.

Petra, those are great ones, thanks, lol

Dogs and Light Bulbs
How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?

Border Collie: Just one. Then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

Rottweiler: Make me!

Lab: Oh, me, me! Pleeease let me change the light bulb! Can I? Huh? Huh?

Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!

Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.

Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls.

Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?

Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

Mastiff: Screw it yourself! I'm not afraid of the dark...

Doberman: While it's out, I'll just take a nap on the couch.

Boxer: Who needs light? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there!

Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb?

Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...

Old English Sheep dog: Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?

Basset Hound: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

Westie: Dogs do not change light bulbs -- people change light bulbs. I am not one of THEM so the question is, how long before I can expect my light again?

Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out bulb?

Haha, that sounds just like our Lab and Boxer!! That poodle is interesting, I hope it's a female??

Here are some others:

Gandhi

Gandhi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. He also was quite a spiritual person. Even when he wasn't on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail. Furthermore, due to his diet, he ended up with very bad breath. Thus, he was known as a "Super-calloused, fragile mystic plagued with halitosis".

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A police officer pulls over a car with a young blonde driver in it....

Cop: "Miss, this is a 65 MPH highway, why are you going so slowly?"

Blonde: "Officer, I saw a lot of signs saying 22, not 65."

Cop: "Oh miss, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you're on!"

Blonde: "Oh! Stupid me! Thanks for letting me know, Ill be more careful from now on."

At this point the cop looks into the back seat of the car, where the passengers are shaking and white as ghosts.

Cop: "Excuse me miss, what's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something awful."

Blonde: "Oh... We just got off of highway 220".

Maggie the Aggie went home to visit her parents over spring break.
She told her mother, "Sit down mom, I have some good news and some bad news. Which do you want first?"

Her mother collapsed into a chair, fearing the worse.
"Tell me the bad news first, maybe the good news will make it better."

Maggie said, "The bad news is that I am pregnant."

Her mother starts crying and begs her to hurry with the good news.

Maggie smiled reassuringly, "Don't worry, Mom. I'm not sure it's mine."

Young people just don't understand senior thoughtfulness..
A tour bus driver is driving with a bus full of seniors down a highway
when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.
She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she
hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about
five more times.
When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old
lady why they don't eat the peanuts themselves.
"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.
The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?"
The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."

It pays to be careful around old people.

Sally

OMG, you girls gave up some GREAT GREAT ones
Thank you, Thank you

You guys are too funny.
Wish I could think of one.
Keep em coming.

Why was the blonde so happy she finished the puzzle in 6 months?
* *
* *
* *
* *

It said 2-4 yrs on the box! PJ

Four college friends were so confident that the
weekend before finals, they decided to go up to Dallas
and party with some friends up there. They had a
great time. However, after all the partying, they slept
all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Austin until
early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find
their professor after the final and explain to him why
they missed it.

They explained that they had gone to Dallas for the
weekend with the plan to come back and study but,
unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back,
didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long
time. As a result, they missed the final.

The Professor thought it over and then agreed they could
make up the final the following day. The guys were
elated and relieved.

They studied that night and went in the next day at the
time the professor had told them. He placed them in
separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet,
and told them to begin.

They looked at the first problem, worth 5 points. It was
something simple about free radical formation. "Cool,"
they thought at the same time, each one in his
separate room. "This is going to be easy."

Each finished the problem and then turned the page. On
the second page was written:

(For 95 points): Which tire?

Ack!!!

Deep in the backwoods, a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and a doctor was called out to help. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing."

Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there," said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down. I think there's another one coming."

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern. It seems there's yet another one in there!" cried the doctor.

The hillbilly scratched his head in bewilderment and asked the doctor, "Do you think it's the light that's attractin' 'em?"

It's Friday afternoon after an especially busy week and Dave has the "I don't wanna work anymores". He came up with the great idea to make his boss think he is overworked so he can go home early. When the boss came by Dave's cubicle he found Dave hanging from the ceiling. He asked "Dave, what are you doing?" Dave said "I am a lightbulb!" The boss told him to go home right now..he is obviously stressed out. Come back on Monday rested. As Dave was leaving the office, his blonde co-worker from the next cubicle was right behind him. The boss asked the co-worker "Where are you going?" She replied.."Home..I can't work in the dark!".

BWAhahahaha

These are the best jokes I've ever seen.
Please keep it up

The Teacher's Gift
It was the last day of school, and all the students were bringing presents for their teacher. A florist's daughter came up and gave her teacher a box.
The teacher said, I'll bet these are flowers!" The girl replied, "How did you know?"

"Just a lucky guess," she said.

Next, a boy whose family owned a candy store came up and gave the teacher a box. She said that she knew it was candy. When the boy asked how she knew, she again said, "Just a lucky guess.'"

Finally, a boy whose father owned a liquor store came up and gave the teacher a box, but one of the box's corners was damp from a leak. The teacher asked the boy if it was wine. The boy said, "No." She touched the leak and put it to her tongue and asked if it was champagne. The boy again said no.

Finally, she gave up and asked him what was in the box.

He said happily, "A puppy!"

Two older ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.
One leaned over and said, "Life is so boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $5.00 I'd take my clothes off right now and streak through that stupid flower show!"

"You're on!" said the other old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill.

As fast as she could, the first little old lady fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked through the front door of the flower show.

Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause. The naked lady burst out through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd.

"What happened?" asked her waiting friend.
"Why, I won first prize for Best Dried Arrangement."

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I'm a gardener and I'm OK
I sleep all night and I plant all day!
I dress in grubby clothing, and hang around with slugs.
Oh I'm happy in the garden
With dirt and plants and bugs . . .
(to the tune of Monty Python's "I'm a Lumberjack")

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Why do potatoes make good detectives?
Because they keep their eyes peeled.

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A toddler who was found chewing on a slug.
After the initial surge of disgust the parent said,
"Well . . . What does it taste like?"
"Worms," was the reply.

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Really Bad Puns
1. My wife works over-thyme in her herb garden before she decides it is time to cummin.
2. Don't expect a bonsai tree to grow the miniature planting it.
3. I will cut the grass only when I get Mowtivated.
4. The research assistant couldn't experiment with plants because he hadn't botany.
5. Old gardeners never die they just vegetate.
6. Gardeners like to plant their feet firmly.
7. If you're a gardener you might call yourself a 'plant manager'.

hehehe, well it's nice to know, I'm supposed to be a dried arrangement AND vegetate, hehehehe

Ug!!! LOL
Why do blondes have bruises all around their belly button?

Their boyfriends are blonde too! PJ

OMG, lol
Pj, you are grown up now, you little brat, lol
The funniest part was, it took me a while to figure out what you meant, hehehehee

An elderly couple go to their doctor for a checkup. The man goes in first. "How're you doing?" asks the doctor.

"Pretty good," answers the old man. "I'm eating well, and I'm still in control of my bowels and bladder. In fact, when I get up at night to pee, the good Lord turns the light on for me."

The doctor decides not to comment on that last statement, and goes into the next room to check on the man's wife.

"How're you feeling?" he asks.

"I'm doing well," answers the old woman. "I still have lots of energy and I'm not feeling any pain."

The doctor says, "That's nice. It sounds like you and your husband are both doing well. One thing though - your husband said that when he gets up to pee at night, the good Lord turns the light on for him. Do you have any idea what he means?"

"Oh No," says the woman, "He's peeing in the refrigerator again."

Irish Humor

The late Bishop Sheen stated that the reason
the Irish fight so often among themselves is
that they're always assured of having a worthy opponent.

Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The
jury foreman came out and announced, "Not guilty."
"That's grand!" shouted Reilly. "Does that
mean I can keep the money?"

Irish lass customer: "Could I be trying on
that dress in the window?"
English shopkeeper: "I'd prefer that you use
the dressing room."

Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, "Is
that you I hear spittin' in the vase on the mantle piece?"
"No," said himself, "but I'm gettin' closer all the time."

Q. What do you call an Irishman who knows
how to control a wife?
A. A bachelor.

"O'Ryan," asked the druggist, "did that mudpack I gave you improve your wife's appearance?"
"It did surely," replied O'Ryan, "but it keeps fallin' off!"

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be
confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. "Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in
high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a heck of a good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."

Sally

HAHAHAHAHAHA, Eeeeeeeewwwww, my brother is going to love this one, lol

What Marriage is About ????

He ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed
one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering. You could tell they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine - They were used to sharing everything. The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there
watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything." As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the
little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked "What is it you are waiting for?"
She answered "THE TEETH."

"The family that sticks together should bathe more often".PJ

hehehe, I don't care how much I love DH, I'm not sharing teeth, lol

I don't want to be *sticking* together either, lol

I shouldn't have read this before going to bed, no telling what I'm going to dream about now, hehehehe

Wife comes into kitchen, finds husband with fly swatter and asks, "What are you doing?" He answers, "Looking for flies to swat". "Find any?" she asks. "Yes, 3 males and 2 females" he responds. "How could you tell?" she asks.
"Because 3 were on the beer can and 2 were one the phone".

LOL, another insect that likes beer, a male fly
That's a good one, hehehe

I went to the doctor for my yearly physical.
The nurse starts with certain basics.
How much do you weigh?" she asks. "120," I say.
The nurse puts me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 165.
The nurse asks, "Your height?" "5 foot 6," I say.
The nurse checks and sees that I only measure 5'3".
She then takes my blood pressure and tells me it is very high.
"Of course it's high!" I scream, "When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!"
She put me on Prozac...

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Baromp Bomp, that was a great one.

10 Reasons Not To Jog
1. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now & we don't know where the heck she is.

2. The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

3. I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.

4. I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

5. I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.

6. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

7. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

8. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

9. If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

10. I don't jog. It makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

Pj, those are GREAT, hehehehe

This isn't from the internet, this just went on in the car on the way home from kids school.

DD is 11yrs old and learning "birds and bees" things in health class. She has been updating me everyday with what she has learned(my hair stands on end through some of it). The conversation in the car turned to p.m.s. I thought I heard my son(14yrsold)say something under his breath. I asked what it was he said......."oh nothing just something dad taught me when i was little" What was it? What did you say, now i was curious. "dad said pms means premenstral syndrome to women and pms means pack my suitcase to men.You'll see when your older." I said well your older now do you know what he meant? DS "truer words have never been spoken."

=/

Happy Late Easter

{{gwi:1309849}}

Here's an oldie but goodie...

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river.
 When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?"
 The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family.
 The Lord dipped his hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with pearls. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
 The seamstress replied, "No."
 The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble ringed with sapphires. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked again, the seamstress replied, "No."
 The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.
 "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
 the seamstress replied, "Yes."
 The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.
 Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water.
 When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?"
 "Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"
 The Lord went down into the water and came up with mel gibson .
 "Is this your husband?" the Lord asked.
 "Yes," cried the seamstress.
 The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!
 The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Mel Gibson, you would have come up with Brad Pitt. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so that's why I said 'yes' to Mel Gibson."
 The moral of this story is:
 Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others.
 That's our story, and we're sticking to it.

Sally

BWAHAHAHAHAHA, it may be an oldie but I've never heard it and it's great Sally

LOL!!!!! It's,um, the truth,honest,really! PJ