( If you skip the story, no worries, at least look up the link... informative and antiquated as well)

I live in Chicago, I am an urban veritical deck gardener.

I live in the industrial zone. No trees, not a ton of neighbors...tons of sun. I got this place specifically to suit my love for dirt. I call it an urban redneck paradise... no pavement in the yard for my car... dirt and industry everywhere.

ButI have this problem.

The problem is no one believes me.

I suppose I should start fresh.

I over wintered my lovage in a huge pot in my stairwell, I set our my over wintered chives, they were both growing so nicely inside, yet, I wanted to get them out a bit,had to get them out.Give them some real sun, fresh air. It was 78 out side.

I went to the garden store, down the street, I bought some yellow pansies and purple alyssum to get things moving on my 3rd floor south facing out door back porch.

I potted them , hanging out over the rail. They were beautiful and fine, sheltered and yet getting lots of sun... "easily accessable, incase of freak weather" I thought.

I figured I had all my bases covered.

I watched them, gave them some water. I was happy. They were happy! Smiley, happy, spring-like;

...for a day

.... if even.

It would have been so perfect, like victory garden on pbs, if it wasn't for "Them".

It happened suddenly, nothing short of an atrocity.Over night it was warm... I left my potted paradises in the warm night .I went to work, Nightshift.As I worked "They" must have plotted.

I saw "Them" leave as I came in for the day.They didn't say hi or bye, and they are always rude and just... there... bickering in some foreign language.

"They' remind my of urban gypsies"I have thought, " or some kind of elite mob ".

I looked at my beautiful 'first signs of spring' as I walked down my stairs.

"Green, :) Yellow!!! :) Purple!!!"

"Pretty" I thought... " pansies are fun in salads, I cant wait!!!"

Off I went. Happy that my plants were happy.

Upon my return, in astonishment to my eyes, my little bundles of springtime were almost all completely gone. Down to dirt. some are still a little there,undignified, defiled and barely clinging to life.

Blink, blink, blink... rub the eyes, tilt the head, I did it all.

My first reaction to my stunted spring panacea was my downstairs neighbor!"She has a hort. class you know" I thought" "maybe she.... Nahhhh!"my mind rambled and jumped ot conclusions as sheer reaction initially. I justified my shame in my mind

" Finals are soon and my neighbor, she has a bit of a garden envy as I get tons of sun up here so I cant help but connect the dots!" I shamefully thought.

feeling like a jack ass over my thoughts, I looked over the crime scene.

There are roots on the giant lovage, on the chives, the pansies, but no flowers, barely any green , and all the deep shades of purple alyssum are completely gone.. roots and all.

Holes in the dirt.

The neighbor is safe. Really, she would have taken the whole pot.

Silly to think of the neighbor in the first place.

But yet, fact is... I got robbed. Snookered.Slid the joker.

I felt this way before.Last year to be honest.Same time and place.

Feeling jilted, naturally I had to vengefully investigate.

You really aren't anything on this side of town unless you can be smart, observant and ready to take action.

I found one busted loamy chunk of dirt in the shape of the section of the flat the purple alyssum was seeded in on the roof next door.

One on the stairs, another;shredded and torn.Traces of stem left as evidence.This was indeed MY alyssum.

I knew who did it... I exclaimed, and accused... yet no one listens.

I know its "them" , I knew it was" them" , I tell people its "them".People look at me odd, they do not believe me, and wonder why I don't just quit all this and watch t.v. or something.

I's not that simple" I tell them" It's not just over." I need to know, because I got robbed and my little bundles of summer dreams got murdered." I am appalled that people say "just got buy new ones"...

That won't fix the problem. That wont help me deal with "Them".

them the deshevelers. "Them" the murderers.

"I cant just let that happen again!" I silently panic inside.

I have an agreement with the rats, and all other creatures in this urban jungle , besides... "Them".

I know the rats won't dare ever come up here again after I waged war on them last year. Its a respect thing... and peppermint helps too.

I know I throw much tastier stuff in the trash for the rats, it's kind of a payoff I suppose. Not much glory in that,but it does keep the peace.

Just to be safe I slip the wigglies a rat block now and again, let them know who's really in charge. Its an unspoken thing between the rats and I.

More importantly, I also know rats don't work by day, and this was definitely a day job.

Being in the industrial corridor, I have no real trees, hence no squirrels over here, so that completely ruled out.

Being close to the Loop, the alley cats wouldn't come up here for any thing less than a can of white albacore from whole foods.

The rabbits over here, we call them ratbits...they are urban pavement rabbits... more like rats than anything, they would rather scavenge around the trash than walk up 3 flights of stairs for a flower.

Then there's the junkyard dingos, whom wont come up here unless it is the alley cats they are after.Even then , they think twice and have never made it all the way to floor 3.

Yet, with all my proof , all my experience urban gardening on my porch all over my fine city of Chicago... people call me crazy!But I knew.

Then I found it. Proof, ancient evidence, a key peice of validation from 1887:

http://books.google.com/books?id=on8CAAAAIAAJ&pg=PA244&lpg=PA244&dq=birds+stealing

that all the proof i need to take final action.

Go to the link, start at the bottom of the left column on page 244... and read through...

You see...

I have a starling family living in the rafters of my porch.

People tell me how nice to have those ( nasty) starlings... how it must be so nice to hear them bicker at each other ever morning as I am trying to sleep off the night shift.

How cleaning up after them shouldn't be a big deal.

How scaring them when I come home in the wee hours should be funny, how i should ignore their hate bombs... their snide remarks and their innapropraite behavior... and their defamation of my grill cover.

This time they have crossed the line.

Not only that.

I will smite any one whom ever calls me crazy for KNOWING the birds are murderous evil thieves whom are ripping apart my flowers and herbs. Kidnapping and killing some... and they have gotten away with it for so long. they wont get the veggies this year, no not the beans or anything.

They are ruthless you know.

Stalking my tomatoes, anticipating my strawberry flowers... not even waiting for the fruit!

I am never again listening to anyone telling me how birds are beneficial.Crows or falcons or hawks, they would be welcome guests to me, living where I live.

These starlings are crooks.So mean and obnoxious I can't even get the crows to come over.

Almost as crooked as the aldermen here.

They aren't as beneficial at this time of year .... if at all... as some may think.

People think they are pleasant, all sleek in their feathers, but i know the dirt on these guys.

$12.00 of purple alyssum , completely gone, lovage torn down , chives ripped to shreds. they ripped the freaking heads off my pansies for god sakes...

Pain in my heart.

This morning , as they were bickering...I opened my back door to give them a shock and a scare. Lo and behold, one flew off with a feeble surviving leaf from the pansies in his yellow tell- tale beak! The other one screamed at me for doing them such a dis-service for interrupting their breakfast!

I am getting rid of those murderous, hijacking, thieving, ungrateful, freeloaders once and for all.

To the birds with them!

I will smoke them out with my grill, and trash their sanctuary in return. They will find a new meal ticket in 20 minutes I am sure.

Then again, i could maybe just toss them some seeds.