It sounds like a very difficult time you are having. I think you should get some help dealing with all of those issues. We all need a little help from time to time. I alwyas feel better after taking a long walk in the fresh air....Go commune with nature fo a while and I think your troubles will start to seem more manageable and the good things in life will re-appear.

I hope you are able to deal with this and things improve. Remember, no matter what happened today, there is always tomorrow to start anew.

Umm, you're going to have mail.

Nate

Dax, I think of you warmly and it hurts me to think of you in so much pain. You will be very much missed here, but sometimes you need to leave some things behind in order to find new ones. And you won't lose your knowledge or your experience; it may be applied in other ways in the future or you may build on it.

I echo the wish that you can access the help you need to overcome this hurdle. A call to a crisis line might be a way to start, or to your doctor.

Dax, one thing I've learned in my seven-plus decades is that journeys can always be picked up later, when the time is right. So I refuse to accept your good-bye as final. Your posts have suggested to me that you have an enthusiasm for life and a desire for knowledge. Isn't that a firm foundation to build on? I think so.
Let's hear back from you after you overcome your short-term demons. We're listening.
Ron

Dax, it sounds like you're experiencing more setbacks than any of us are aware of.... the rage that made you toss the drum out the window, the powerful force inside you that let you pull out rooted trees, the destruction of a greenhouse that you obviously love working in... it's all tied to your own feelings of not being in control of a part of your life that's there with you now.... the past is one thing... what's happening NOW is the biggie.... you spoke of 'that part of the body', failing you... I begin to understand... dear one, get help.. and get it now....you've encountered a huge black cloud that needs an outside force to help blow it away... you can't blow on it from inside it, that just makes it bigger, like a balloon... someone who knows how can rip a hole in that cloud to let the light back in!!!... please, don't try to carry it all alone!!!... you have friend here that you don't even know about!!... any of whom would be happy to help you if we could!!... you've let us know you're tired... now let someone help with the burdens.....I'll be emailing you in a few... please look for it and respond, huh?....

Good luck and welcome back soon!

Resin

Dax,

What do we think of you? Thanks in large part to your knowledge, I've begun collecting conifers. Your words are always helpful and I consider you one of the leaders here on GW. I hate to imagine you tearing up your garden and your life. Please stop. You, your life, and your contributions are very valuable. --Kris

Dax, I am concerned about you. Please dmail me at Daves asasp. I tried to call you but your phone is off. Sorry if this is an intrusion, but we are concerned about your well being and wish to offer suport. Contact Guy if you can't reach me... Thanks Patrick

This does not sound very good at all. I'm sorry that the police who came to his house didn't take him to a hospital.

Has someone talked to Dax? I really hope he's allright...

Dax:

I had depression from age 7 until age 30 (family environment induced). My life during that time was very limited and painful. At about age 24 I sought help on my own, with encouragement from a friend who had a similar problem and had already sought help. At one point I could only tell myself "I can postpone my drastic plans for one more day." I did this "one more day" thing for quite a while. I am glad I did this "one more day" thing now. It was not easy but by age 30 I was and am now still completely depression-free and have had a wonderful life, something I couldn't have imagined at that time. When the depression lifted I found I had abilities, including considerable leadership abilities, that neither I nor anyone else who knew me could have imagined I had.

But nothing was easy--my brother grew up in the same environment I did and he never got over his depression and has had very little of a life. All I can say is if you can seek out help, take your shot whatever your chances may be--you never know what may be possible unless you do.

--Spruce

Dax,

Please post to let everyone know you're all right.

Terry

Dax is ok. Just had a email reply.

Dave

Thank you friends. The feelings I had are already lightening up. I've written each and every one of you within the past few hours. It's amazing to see what I have seen. From requesting to have my internet access turned off and cable television and tv unplugged, to turning off my telephone........ I've with help from my doctor (a release of information, that breath of fresh air), yesterday, and a nice visit to Chub Harper's this morning, along with voicing to another sincere friend of mine which some of you older members might know of, Guy Starhillforest, have decided myself that I will not give up on as Ron (Pinetree) says 'My enthusiasm' for plants & 'life.'

Also, my father with every ounce of thought has told me that if 'every penny' can be accounted for, he will consider my plans of moving. It's very confusing to try to describe the events, the information I was told, the changes in information, but after all this - he's now willing to let me move on if you understand.

Your posts and emails have really touched me. I want to thank GW for emailing me with option to stay as a member as well, and I've accepted.

This cloud as referred to above is exactly as described. I'm still in it, but I have sought help and have been in therapy since 2001. It's one thing for me to lose it as I did, and another to regain any strength for life I can through plants. That's actually the focus my psychologist gives me when I'm having a rough times visit. He always reminds me what when I think I have nothing, that I still have my plants.

Resin - you're like a clock that needs no batteries, I commend you. Talk about a second glance while reading this post. Man did you ever catch me offguard.

Thanks again you guys. It's one thing to cut yourself off entirely, but to stop it fast in its' own tracks and to realize there always is hope, well that's what I've learned.

I'll see ya around -

Dax

Dax

Welcome back, good to hear you are fine. Never give up and continue with the your good work

osprey

How do you spell relief? Today it's D-A-X. Thank you for letting us know you're back on a good track, and of your renewed interest in staying the course.

For all the anxiety of the last couple of days, I can't help but be glad that you felt connected enough to this group that you shared your trauma with us. Like Spruceman, who's experienced it, and like Ellisgardener, who clearly knows something about it and has the perfect model for it, there are many people dealing with troubles, and to talk about it makes it a uniting, rather than an isolating, experience.

In ways that may never be completely clear, I suspect that by talking about your experience you may have helped some other people emerge from their own black clouds as much as you have, thankfully, emerged from your own.

More power to you!

Karin

Welcome back! Conifers are too good to stay away from ;-)

Resin

Great to hear from you Dax!
You certainly help keep this board alive and interesting, I think that speaks for itself!

Take care,

Nate

Good morning ladies and germs! *That got such a good respone on Davesgarden.com that I can't resist once more saying it!:)

You guys are cool. I visited Chub Harper yesterday and I'm going to start again hammering away (Ken are you listening) on the ACS Database. Even though a grant through the ACS will be provided to someone to do the same, there's a lot of work that needs to be done so the world can have access to the best resource...that's ever been available.

Thanks again ya all, and Resin - you're the horse that everybody never bets on, but they should! Don't ask...

Riddles that make sense only to me I'm going to let fly - thanks a lot my friends.

Dax

hi Dax, man, I feel awful I somehow missed your post when checking messages this Monday (no PC over the weekend), but I'm glad things are improving for you, much peace to you, my friend!

Carter

Thanks a lot Carter, that means a lot..

Dax

Dax,

Though I don't post here often, for several years I have valued your information, advice and kindness. I'm relieved to read that you are well and my prayers are with you for continued healing and hope.

Blessings,

Andrea

Hey Dax-
We haven't corresponded in some time and I'm generally only a lurker on this site but I'm sorry for the rough time you've had - hope that not too much of your hard work was lost...
I really think these sentiments posted here are sincere and you never really know how much people care until you need them - looks like the folks on this forum are the real deal!!! We have all had challenges, some more than others, but the formula for success is the same - persevere and lean hard on those you trust...grace carries us through and time takes care of alot. Glad you're feeling better, brother...
Zack

Cool cool my man! Keep those Alabama Azaleas a propagatin'

Good to hear from you too.

Dax

btw, hope you recovered your drum safe and sound, I'm also a percussionist and totally understand that need!

As am I and there's nothing better than an 18" djembe to beat your brains out on when you're frustrated! LOL

Have a nice journey folks (not LOL)

Dax