when I bought this place, I thought this former CITY GIRL was buying an escape from the city's noisy doin's. Hummmph!! Where is PEACE and QUIETNESS when you need them??

DR. HUEY started. Good grief!! Man, I blew it, he ruefully thought. You see, THE DOCTOR SECRETly had quite a crush on Inrid. He managed to stammer out. "Gotta go, Ingrid. Someone's knocking at my front door . . . .

He ran to the door and it was Pope John Paul!

and OUR LADY OF GUADELOUPE

and behind them can you believe BETTY WHITE and JULIE NEWMAR showed up and they both had a beautiful ANGEL FACE they went straight to the kitchen to try the RAINBOW SORBET and

PUMPKIN pie. Yummy! Said BETTY WHITE to JULIE NEWMAR.

This looks sooo good!!, agreed Julie.

As JULIE NEWMAR stood in the kitchen she thought she smelled SHEILA'S PERFUME it reminded her of a long time SECRET she had been keeping for many years it was when she had visited NEW ZEALAND, it brought back so many feelings of that MEMORIAL DAY weekend, her next thought was.....

No, Sheila couldn't possibly be here. Or could she?

Yes, it was Sheila and she had just returned from the Tournament of Roses parade..

Oh no, Julie thought. :( If RUSTY is here it looks like he is going to have to decide between Sheila and me.

But when RUSTY stepped into the room, he had his arm around MARTHA GONZALEZ!

Arrrgh!!, thought Julie. That RUSTY is such a PLAYBOY. Shoulda known better! Oh well . . . .

Must be a DOUBLE DELIGHT for Rusty... 2 women in the same room that want him, then MARTHA GONZALEZ bumped into an old friend but she said it was JUST JOEY..... this situation could get very SULTRY.

And now . . . a word from our sponsor.

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And now . . . back to our story . . . .

Speakin' of SULTRY, a BLUE BIRD overheard ARTHUR BELL WHISPERing into RHONDA's ear. He asked her, did you know that the French word doux means sweet my DARLING?

No, why do you ask, ARTHUR, my LOVE?, queried, RHONDA, fluttering her long black lashes at him.

Because you add such SWEETNESS into my life. A SWEET INSPIRATION, as it were. You are like a warm breath of fresh air after a long, cold winter. Come with me to HAWAII. We will walk on the warm sand. Play with the dolphins, relax, and have lots of other fun in the sun there.

The BLUE BIRD thought to himself (pondering this situation over in his wee, little brain). . . .

"THESE humans are sure odd ducks. And he laughed to himself about his choice of the word ducks -- being that he was a bird, himself. ;) Such is life. It's SPRING, and LOVE is in the air." He chirped with joy as his wings took flight and he soared happily off into the BLUE SKIES.

Gosh, thought RHONDA, what do I do now? Obviously, he doesn't know that I am a GAY PRINCESS. All I've ever wanted was his FRIENDSHIP. But I've never been to Hawaii . . .Isn't this JUST PEACHY!

Graham Thomas came through the door. Don't worry, RHONDA, he said. I just want to share some HOT COCOA with you, I am not interested in anything more, MON CHERI. I will leave the HOT ROMANCE to gals like MARILYN MONROE, PRICILLA BURTON, and EVELYN. With you, MON CHERI, I will also share my PURE POETRY. RHONDA smiled knowingly and said,

HONEY BEAR, I will share HOT COCOA now or DIAMONDS FOREVER. You are ALWAYS MINE in my WILDEST DREAMS. Unfortunately,

I don't have time just now..I must take the GOLDEN BUDDA over to JERI JENNINGS house

. . . But, LO & BEHOLD, JERI JENNINGS was in a total FRENZY -- she was an absolute WILD THING!!! An evil garden GNOME had invaded the previous evening, absconded with all her treasured antique roses, and replaced them with scores of ultra-modern Hybrid Teas . . . OH MY GOD!

There were RED KNOCKOUTS by the dozen lining the pathways. She needed a SUPER DOROTHY to help out of this DREAM. Help, help she screamed....

It is I, SUPER DOROTHY! I got your COMMUNIQUE and jumped right into my CHRYSLER IMPERIAL and drove on over. I brought some DYNAMITE to solve your CONUNDRUM.

CONUNDRUM it was, poor JERI JENNINGS saw her PARADISE being ruined. She said, "this would never be MY CHOICE." She decided she needed some advise and called her friend...

LADY BREN WHO . . . .

was a talented ARTISTE living in CALIFORNIA.

"GEE WHIZ, JERI!, LADY BREN said. It sounds like you are in a real CONUNDRUM. I'd love to help you out, but you see, PEARL is here, and we are catching up on all the girl-talk we missed out on while she was vacationing in SOUTH AFRICA. But, Hon, we do all need to get together for a GIRL'S NIGHT OUT real soon. So call me!"

Distraught that LADY BREN doesn't have the COMPASSION to help her out in her hour of need, JERI JENNINGS decided to sleep on it and wait for a NEW DAWN. Maybe when MORNING HAS BROKEN she will...

That NIGHT, Jeri's FAIRY Godmother came to her in a DREAM with the REVELATION that the evil GNOME was nothing but a SPELLCASTER who possessed the power only to create the ILLUSION that her treasured roses had been replaced. Instantly AWAKENING from her slumber, Jeri did a FABULOUSly provocative DANCE OF JOY! She knew just what she had to do to break the evil GNOME's spell . . .

So Jeri decided to go to LAGUNA and enjoy the EBB TIDE while she...

Meanwhile LADY BREN was feeling a bit like A TIPSY IMPERIAL CONCUBINE since she and PEARL have been drinking WHISKY in the TIKI hut. She decides that it was time for BIG FUN and she knew that GENERAL JACQUEMINOT was on leave and we all know that he's no BOYSCOUT. PEARL decided to invite LORD BACON because she had the munchies and he always brings great pork treats with him.

But PEARL's munchies had nothing whatsoever to do with the LORD BACON's porcine treats; rather, her munchcies had everything to do with that SUBLIME weed that GENERAL JACQUEMINOT (affectionately known as SMOKEY JOE) had -- with a LATINO twist -- named in HONOR of his 2 FAVORITE ladies, MARY and JANE (both of whom ALWAYS were tipsy, but neither of whom was imperial -- and that's for sure).

PEARL was in SUBLIME mood, but feeling a little bored with GENERAL JACQUEMINOT's company (the dude was always talkin' about roses! :P ) In fact she was IN THE MOOD to to 'blow this popsicle stand'. She hopped into her lime-green CADILLAC, and headed up to MALIBU. She wanted to go visit her buddy, Charlie Sheen . . . .

Je n'ai aucun SYMPATHIE pour ce DON JUAN ... je quitterai cette place immédiatement pour WINCHESTER!" Hmmmmph!!

(I have no sympathy for this Don Juan ... I am leaving immediately for Winchester.)
:-)

But this time PEARL had really blown it. Big mistake! to drink and drive -- not to mention she was high as a kite from smokin' all that DYNAMITE weed of the general's.

Just then she heard a SIREN. Getting out of the car with the LIGHTs is CAPTAIN KIDD...

Who said: Won Fang Yon, baby! How is your Nic-Nocs doing?

"My NIC NOCs???', she asked incredulously. "You have the temerity to ask about my NIC NOCs?!?" My NIC NOCs, MY FRIEND, are none of your %*##@+> MONKEY BUSINESS!"

And with that, she slapped CAPTAIN KIDD across his face.

His Angel Dust flew in the air. He said: "You have seen your last Autumn Damask b%^#@," and pulled out a Pistol River.

But what CAPTAIN KIDD did not know, was that PEARL was an expert in the martial arts, especially so in ti kwan do. Even without her BELOVED pearl-handled Smith & Wesson .357 Magnum . . . .

she was armed and dangerous. ;)

Her main GROUSE was with CAPTAIN KIDDs latest ESCAPADE. PLENTIFUL rumours regarding her FAITHFUL FRIEND and his HANKY-PANKY with a VILLAGE MAID was quite an EYE OPENER.However, GLAD TIDINGS were on the way as...

On second thought, Pearl's main GROUSE was the fact CAPTAIN KIDD was pointing his PEACEKEEPER at her! :P

Looking over Kidd's shoulder, then suddenly smiling brightly she said, "Oh, HIGH SHERIFF! :D Looks like you got here just in time!!! As you can plainly see, CAPTAIN KIDD appears to have a lil' beef with me."

Visibly shaken, Kidd whirled around only to find . . . . noone was behind him!! Too, late. Pearl kicked his PEACEMAKER out from his loosened grip. Then swiftly bending over, she picked it up, and deftly flung it far out into the ocean, wherein a startled SEAGULL noisily complained.

The sound of waves crashed mightily upon the SEASHORE, along with any HOPEs the Captain had of getting SWEET REVENGE on PEARL.

Grumble, grumble. Doggone late nights and dial-up. That shoulda read, "Too, late. Pearl kicked his PEACEkeeper out from his loosened grip."

That shoulda read, "Too, late. Pearl kicked his PEACEKEEPER out from his loosened grip."

Did it again. Sigh, please carry on . . . .

"Nooo," Captain Kidd screamed PASSIONately and ran through the OCEAN SPRAY. He emerged with SEA FOAM on his head and screamed....

"You stinkin' "GREEN SNAKE" in the grass!!!"

"Wellll, IMAGINE that," PEARL mused, as she . . . .

giggled, and ran to her lime-green CADILLAC DEVILLE. This was really too much she thought and . . . .

reflected upon her wild ways. This really wasn't workin' out for her. She needed to stop MISS BEHAVIN' and being such a WILD CHILD -- well except for SPECIAL OCCASIONS anyway.

Meanwhile INGRID had had a CHANGE OF HEART and decided that DR. HUEY wasn't such a bad guy after all. In the past he had alway been very kind to her. So after making a lovely BOUQUET of roses for THE DOCTOR, she rang his doorbell and shyly presented them to him.

THE DOCTOR said, "INGRID, I'm really sorry about all the noise and in the future will try to tone it down." Then smiling a devastating handsome smile that made INGRID's socks roll up and down, he added, "this beautiful BOUQUET has quite frankly taken me by SURPRISE. Words can't say how HAPPY this makes. I think you are the best!" and with that . . . .

. . . sped away into the SUNSET, hoping against HOPE that THE ENDEAVOR was now somewhere OVER THE MOON -- outta site and outta mind -- and that she would never, ever get the munchies again.

And now we've come end of Our Story. Hope you liked it and had a real good time! :)

Debbie