My FIL just died - I need to talk

14 years ago

THANK YOU FOR LISTENING ........

it means alot to me .

I just need to admit this , because I feel so guilty . Chris's dad is 92 ... and has been in a nursing home for months now . A couple weeks ago - he turned the corner of no return. It's been downhill since then. They found cancer had ravaged his whole body , he had fluid in his lungs & so much more stuff was wrong . He went from 160 lbs to skin & bones. In his lucid moments - all he could say is how much pain he is in. Since then - I have been hoping , praying,wishing he would die. I feel so guilty for wishing that ... but it's the only way his agony could end. I loved him like my own dad . I just feel so bad that I prayed for the end . Thank you for letting me vent .

((((((((((( EVERYONE )))))))))))

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Comments (21)

sunnyca_gw
14 years ago
I'm guilty then also as I have often prayed that someone in terrible shape would be taken quickly & not suffer so much. We just had a man that had a car accident as he had passed out driving(diabetes) he got serious injuries & they did operate but then he went downhill & needed a ventilator & had a stroke, he was way over 6 ft tall hard to even move without help & then had heart attack. I prayed God would take him quickly. He did die. I don't think most of us want to lay there & suffer or have to watch our loved ones suffer when there is no hope. Please just remember how much you loved him & what a great FIL he was & be sure you tell his family & your DH too!! Jan
Purplemoon
14 years ago
I'm so sorry for your loss, Too. And while I don't think you should feel any guilt about wanting him to no longer suffer, I do understand why its hard not too. I think its hard for anyone to pray for someone TO pass away. Even tho our hearts know its right, our brains seem to have a problem with it.
Bless you for loving him so much.

hugs, Karen
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daisydal
14 years ago
Karen hit the nail on the head. You were not doing a bad thing, you were LOVING him. In your heart's pain and suffering, you were not thinking of yourself, you were putting his needs first. And if that meant grief for you and your family,just think what you were praying for- for him-everlasting life with no suffering or pain, only happiness and peace! To me, you were doing something very unselfish in putting his needs first. I am proud of you for being so brave for him and your family. And the only thing that really matters is this...God heard your prayers and knew you only wanted what was best for him. I am so sorry for your pain right now, just know we all have our arms outstretched to you, and God is carrying you through it all. Peace be with you. We will send many prayers your way.
love and blessings-sherri
Marlene Kindred
14 years ago
Kathy~

I am SO sorry about your FIL's passing, but please don't feel guilty about wishing for his pain to stop. Like Karen and Sherri have said, you were loving him unselfishly to pray for his passing. When my Daddy was so ill with cancer seven years ago, I prayed ferverently that God would take him before his suffering got overwhelming. When we finally had to send him to a nursing home, I knew his time was very near. God took him four days after he went there and I was so glad that he was in pain no longer. I KNEW where he was and that he was once again happy. So, you did the right thing, a very unselfish thing, by asking God to take him home. I know that God will continue to be with you and your family.

Love and hugs to you~
Marlene
tennesseetrash
14 years ago
So very sorry to hear of your father in law's passing, Kathy! God bless you and Chris during this sad time.

Just think of all the things he must have seen and done in 92 years. How many Presidents did he see in office, for example? His loss will be greatly felt by your entire family and my heart goes out to you.

Hubby and I both lost our fathers too early, each in 1989. We helped care for them and also my 2 grandmothers a lot during the late 80s and early 90s. I understand where you're coming from, as I have been there and done that. Guilt, anger and many other feelings follow a person's death. We all seem to wonder "what if?", it's only natural.

It's also natural to want a loved one's suffering to end. You know and I know that WE wouldn't want prolonged suffering either, the quality of life is over at that point. I'm sure he prayed for it to end himself, bless his heart.

I know he was lucky to have a wonderful daughter-in-law like you, Kathy. My thoughts and prayers will be with you and your family during this difficult time. Hugs & love ~tenderlee
concretenprimroses
14 years ago
I'm so sorry about your loss Kathy. And I'm also glad that he is no longer in pain. What a good daughter in law you are!
hugs
kathy
jeannespines
14 years ago
Prayers being sent your way, toomuch and for your DH. May God give you peace and touch your hearts with many good memories in the days ahead. Always difficult to say goodbye but knowing that the pain & suffering is now over & a calmness reigns once again for your FIL is a blessing in disquise. Just be there for your DH & family...God bless. Jeanne S.
nanatricia
14 years ago
I am so sorry for your loss and every one has said it all.
katladie
14 years ago
Toomuch, I lost my Dad to cancer. What you did was the right thing to do. I remember doing the same. Your pain will ease. It never totally goes away, but it does ease. In time you will remember all the good things and good times you had with your FIL. I am so sorry for your loss.

Sharon
backyardmom
14 years ago
I'm very sorry for your loss.And It's not a bad thing to want to see a loved one leave us, then for them to be in pain.He is not suffering and with loved ones who have passed before him.
susiewantsroses
14 years ago
My sadness, grief, and mourning is when a person is first found to be ill and while a person is critical in the hospital. It is our culture to mourn and wail when our loved ones pass away. And we are delighted when a baby is born. Christ taught that we have got it all backwards. It is a serious thing for a babe to be born into this hard life. It is a joy when we are at the end and get to go on to a better place. Sounds like you were 'right on' to the teachings of Christ. I FIRMLY BELIEVE THIS AND I FEEL ENVIOUS OF THOSE WHO HAVE PASSED. If you knew how much I hate hospitals, tubes, needles, etc. etc. YOU BETTER PRAY THAT I PASS QUICKLY WHEN IT IS MY TIME. I WILL EXPECT YOU TO! "Comfort and Joy".
toomuchglass
Original Author
14 years ago
((((((((((((((((( Gigantic Hugs for everyone ))))))))))))))))))))
leveta
14 years ago
I'm so sorry to hear this. I prayed the day before dad died that the Lord would take him and not move him home for hospice to come in. He died peacefully the next morning. The only thing I regret is that we didn't get there before he died. He wouldn't have known we were there but it's the thought. A friend of mind was his nurse that morning and was there with him...
luna_llena_feliz
14 years ago
Isn't it a shame that many of us, myself included, will selflessly end a suffering pet's life peaceably, held tightly in our loving arms but we feel ashamed to wish someone who is suffering horribly to pass away peacefully while they sleep? Sometimes I think when people try to get someone ... or something in the case of pets ... to hang on despite all their pain, they are doing it more for themselves than for the one suffering. I don't think you should feel guilty at all. To me it is selfless to hope for a quick end to someone else's pain and suffering by God's gentle hand. I am so sorry to hear that he suffered so but it is wonderful to know that he was so loved and admired by his family. You, your husband and the rest of the family will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Big hugs,
Kathy
desertrat1
14 years ago
Kathy,
I am so sorry for you and your hubby's loss. The pain that you have I know. And what a tribute that you loved him so--a father in law---like you would you very own Dad! I hope that through time you will not be so hard on yourself. Noone ever wants to see someone suffer and hang on so long without hope of recovery. He lived a long life. My heart and prayers go out to your and you hubby...
Love, Jules
gibsona
14 years ago
"God heard your prayers and knew you only wanted what was best for him." I think that Sherri said it all. I am so sorry for your pain but he is in such a beautiful place now, looking down thanking you for thinking of him. In my thoughts and prayers. ~Ann
toomuchglass
Original Author
14 years ago
Thank you everyone -------- I thank you ALL , more than you can know . Most of you know how much it hurts to see a loved one suffer ..... and be helpless to do anything about it . I wished for an ending for his suffering - the only way I knew how ... to pass away. My prayers were granted. I so much agree with Susiewantsroses .... it should be a celebration . I'm at peace now - thanks to everyone here . I couldn't live without you guys.
((((((( hugs , kisses , high 5 ing )))))))))))
Kathy
katishooked
14 years ago
Kathy I am so sorry for your loss. I have read all the posts and agree. Your wish is for FIL to suffer no more. That is not a bad thing. Our consciences kick in when we would pray for something like this. You must remember what is in your heart and be at peace.

Kat
cindee11461
14 years ago
I am sorry for your loss. I understand totally about wishing it would happen sooner then later. I went through this with my Grandma. She suffered so much. I just wanted her to be free of pain. It was so hard to watch.
So don't feel bad. I am sure your FIL is happy and pain free now and smiling down on you(-:
princess_mimi
14 years ago
(((((HUGS)))))
kacram
14 years ago
I'm sorry for your loss, Kathy. I know he lived with you and Chris for quite a while too, didn't he? My Mom had so much pain... and My Daddy that just passed, he was in so much pain. You shouldn't feel guilty at all. You just wanted his pain to go away!

(((((Kathy)))))

My FIL just died - I need to talk

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My FIL just died - I need to talk

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