So strange and very insensitive. I think gift registries for weddings and showers are helpful when included with an invitation to an event. But an outright demandfor gifts is outrageous.

Where the heck is Robo these days?

Maddielee, maybe baby shower by mail is a "thing" but so is letting your dog doo on the neighbor's lawn...doesn't make it right or welcome.

I just read the invite over again, and part of what irritates me is the way the instructions are laid out, like I'm such a moron that I don't even know how to send a gift. So not only does it feel entitled, but condescending as well...

“Maddielee, maybe baby shower by mail is a "thing" but so is letting your dog doo on the neighbor's lawn...doesn't make it right”

I know no one, young or old, who is ok with a dog doo dooing on a neighbor’s lawn without picking it up. Sorry that you do.

Things change, a baby shower by mail may not be acceptable to all, but it seems that they do happen. As most things, we get to choose if we participate or not.

I did post for a super short time, didn’t like what I wrote, and not enough time to edit, so I deleted the entire post. it was there for maybe 10 seconds. But I still think gifts are expected.

I sorta hate both wedding and baby showers. It’s the awful games. I hate the stupid games.

This "mail shower" makes me cringe. It is just so wrong.

My daughter is expecting, having her friend/family shower on the 23rd of this month, she already had a work shower. While not everything is being done as I would do it, the shower is strictly an in-person shower, only those likely to attend were sent an invite. There is registry information included on the invite. I am mixed on a registry for baby showers but it is the current thing, and it does help reduce the possibility of receiving 3 baby wipe warmers, DD's shower also has an optional diaper raffle, not particularly keen on that but daughter's sister-in-law is planning the event, so not my choice.

“I sorta hate both wedding and baby showers. It’s the awful games. I hate the stupid games.”

me too, Bunny.

I also dislike the opening of gifts. To sit and watch the honored open gifts and make the appropriate comments is very off turning to me. I hated it when I was the one doing the opening, still hate it when I am the gift giver.

At my niece’s wedding shower they made a hat out of the bows on her presents and made her wear it. She looked like an idiot and I cojld tell she felt like one. She’s a doctor, she did not need to be made to look like a fool.

I think the no-shower shower is the logical progression from in person gatherings and gifts to Zelle transfers. It’s distasteful and tacky and the most likely explanation is that the sister just doesn't know any better.

”I just read the invite over again, and part of what irritates me is the way the instructions are laid out, like I'm such a moron that I don't even know how to send a gift. So not only does it feel entitled, but condescending as well...”

Do no take the invitation as a personally written note.

My bet is that many of the people who received the same invite appreciate having all the information right there.

From what you shared, no where does it say to send gifts that are only on the registry. I‘m sure your sweater will be loved and may become a heirloom.

Oh my...people seem to be making assumptions about things I didn't say and don't think. I'm not bothered by a registry in general. I think they can serve a useful purpose. I know that the baby sweater will be fine...that registry is a suggestion but people are free to give gifts outside of the registry too. With a normal shower invitation, having the information someone needs is fine.

But the way this one is worded rubs me the wrong way. And this idea of a gifts only "shower" (who needs you!) really rubs me the wrong way.

This is the same couple who, for their wedding registry, it consisted of only one thing...money for their honeymoon. I thought it was odd but understandable as they'd shared a household for years. But this is OTT to me.

@Annie Deighnaugh

btw/you are not a cranky old lady.

I don't have many relatives, so most of the showers I've been to have been for friends. I guess I must have some really fun circles of friends because we always have had a hoot at showers...so much fun and laughter and goofy games (really creative ones that I LOVE). I especially like seeing the gifts at baby showers because everything is so sweet and imagining a little one small enough to fit into all those tiny things is just so lovely to me.

I've never bought from registries and try to find something that is unusual and either useful or so cute it needn't be.

I'm with Annie about an 'event' like this, which doesn't seem to be anything but a gift grab with no effort or obligation to entertain/feed the guests who are expected to give those gifts.

Funny how the sister managed to have an actual baby shower for herself even though the family and friends were spread across multiple states...

Ewwww, gross…she hosted a shower for HERSELF?!? That’s such a violation of manners. Technically, even family members aren’t supposed to host.

No, I don't think she hosted herself...can't recall who did, but I think it was her MIL...but of course with her help and approval.

I would be irked to receive a request like that too. I'd just ignore it and send the hand knit sweater, or any other gift of your choice to the new family after the baby is born.

Question for the group: "Do you hold showers for each baby, or just the first?"

My family tends to do a shower for the first baby, first marriage and housewarming for the first house, but unlike Olychick, our family is big.

I am the youngest of 6 kids, between siblings and their offspring and their offspring and the spouses we have 38 people.

This year we will have one baby shower, one house warming and one wedding/wedding shower.

What I've heard is a shower for the first baby and a "sprinkle" for the 2nd which is usually just the closest friends and immediate family.

Well, I'm getting over my irk. I will ignore the invite and do what I would've done anyway. Part of me wants to say something to someone, but my better angels tell me to just shut up. It's not like I'm going to change anything, and it's not like I'll have to do this again...

One shower.

I cannot think of the last time i went to a shower and games were played. Around here its just not done any more. Two friends and I hosted a wedding shower last weekend. it was nice! Guests enjoyed the food and socialzing. The bride opened gifts and the guests watched, although most were eating and talking. it seemed those most interested in what she got were the younger gals. i appreciate a registry so you can get something wanted/needed, although i dont always give something off the registry.

Glad you have found some peace with the situation, Annie. I am sure they will cherish your gift.

In my family we do a celebration for each baby-- a full on shower for the first and a "sprinkle" for 2nd on (just immediate family and maybe bffs). The second generation (2 of my nieces and nephews thus far) each have just one child thus far so we'll see if that continues. I suspect it will.

" she hosted a shower for HERSELF?!? " DD#2 has an acquaintance who held a baby shower for herself. She's not married and no one is quite sure if baby daddy is around. But she sent very formal invites bought a beautiful white dress for the occasion and hired a caterer. It's a new world! In my world showers are most often a 'first' type event, for babies anyway. Marriages are another thing.

Somehow a white dress and an out of wedlock baby don't fit together with tradition...but then again neither does throwing your own shower. Brave new world indeed.

I'm beginning to feel about this like I do with holiday dinners I have. I decorate the table nicely because that's what I want...no one else seems to give a hoot. But if it's just for me, that's enough. The baby will be too young to care about the sweater...maybe the Dad will care but probably not, maybe the Mom will notice, no one else will be there to care, but I enjoyed making it and sharing it with them, and that's enough. We'll see if a thank you ever appears, but I won't be holding my breath.

Is this a good time and place to mention that gift showers for a new puppy also happen?

Annie, when my oldest was born, I received 2 handmade gifts--a very special baby quilt from SIL and a baby blanket that a colleague from across the country knitted and mailed to me. I still have them both, and plan on passing them on to grandchildren some day.

If tactfully possible, make sure the couple knows you made the sweater. Perhaps a "made with love by" note, or whatever you usually include with your gifts. This sweater is unique, special and one-of-a-kind, and even if this couple doesn't appreciate your work (I can't imagine they wouldn't), the child may find it someday with your note and get a sense for how wonderful such a gift is.

I haven't heard the phrase "out of wedlock baby" for years.

maddielee!?!?! OMG!

Ida Claire, what *do* they say then?

In general conversation, people say that a woman or a couple are having a baby and don't mention marital status. If people are discussing things in greater detail they might say the father is out of the picture or that the couple isn't married. "Out of wedlock" conjures images of the future grandfather waving a shotgun around :)

Its good to get rid of many traditions.

“Somehow a white dress and an out of wedlock baby don't fit together with tradition.”

They say with excitement that a baby is coming. Full stop.

The baby isn't out of wedlock. the parents are.

I would be in shock if someone sent that to me, but I would finish the sweater and "with a note, write, I hope you will enjoy the sweater and I'm sure it will look lovely on the baby.

While I have never heard of this type of shower; I would try to go with the flow and not let it bother me. Ha! I would probably be just as happy to send a gift and not have to attend a shower! Many children do not have married parents and I'm not even sure why it is necessary to disclose this and I missed whatever regarding the white dress? I would try to share in the joy of a new baby, a new family member! I'm sure the sweater will be appreciated.

Well tradition has it that the white dress is supposed to connote innocence and virginity...thus the white dresses at 1st holy communion and supposedly why the bride wears white...but clearly a mother to be isn't a virgin...or at least not in over 2,000 years....

But then again, they say tradition is just peer pressure from dead people.

But people wear white dresses all the time, not just for weddings or first communions.

Regarding showers, in my experience there is usually only one shower, for the first baby. But my 3rd baby arrived 8 years after my first and 5.5 years after my second...I had gotten rid of all my baby stuff. So a couple of different friend groups had small (surprise) showers for me.

Yes they do wear white at other occasions, but the fact that arcy gave us the 3 pieces at once...unmarried mother-to-be, wearing white, to shower she threw for herself...suggests that she's not one much with tradition. I was only making note of that.

Omg, my besties threw a puppy shower for me when we got Huddy 10 years ago!!🤣🤣 No one could believe I had finally caved in to our children, since I’m a bit picky about the house, lol lol. They wanted to make it an event.🤣 It wasn’t like a big gift thing (although they had a few things for Hud,) it was more an opportunity for us to get together. Most of us had little girls, and they all came too. Dog bone shaped cake, bunch of other doggie inspired food, cute centerpiece…it was adorable. My photographer friend put the event on her website. 🤣

Of course, since then, we ”acquired” another dog…a non-researched, fully shedding and allergenic dog. 🤷‍♀️🤣 Who we adore just as much as our ”fancy” dog.

I would think nothing about someone wearing a white dress to her shower. 🤷

Second and third time brides not only wear white but it's a white classic bridal gown.

I knew I didn't want kids when I was 19. Since then, I attended a ridiculous number of baby showers. While I was happy for the parents, I did not relate in any way to the occasion. The showers themselves were not enjoyable for me, but I never resented bringing a gift or giving up a half day.

Spanish, you are a good sport.

As I said, lots of things have changed these days...

I would think the tradition of a white bridal gown representing purity and virginity was a misrepresentation for many women, for many generations (if not all) esp when you look at all the 7 month pregnancies that followed weddings. It's such an archaic and sexist, misogynistic, patriarchal notion. Glad it's a view that has mostly died. What is the equivalent for men? Oh, wait, there is none.

I did some family history research when I was young. My one aunt had a baby out of wedlock in 1926, her mother raised it as her own, that baby had a baby out of wedlock and her sister/aunt took it and raised it as her own. So my one cousin is both my first cousin and my second cousin. My Grandfather had a baby with someone else before marrying my grandmother. The census report shows the baby as a 2 year old boarder in the home, not their grandchild.

My dad's birth record shows that he was my grandmother's first child. I guess she forgot to tell my grandfather and the doctor that she had been married before and had 3 children to her first husband. The girl had died and the 2 boys stayed with the father when they got divorced.

My oldest brother was a preemie - mom and dad got married in August and he was born in October. It was WWII and her husband didn't want to give her a divorce. Then she found out that he was living with another woman and calling that woman his wife, so mom threatened to go to his commanding officer, so he granted her a divorce.

In WWI so many soldiers had vd that it was considered a threat to national security. (reports show that as many as 1 in 3 may have had vd). The "American Plan" was set in motion to protect the soldiers. Women were rounded up, detained and examined for VD if an officer suspected they might be promiscuous.

These things aren't new. They have been going on for as long as men and women have been having sex. They just hid it or didn't talk about it.

https://www.mcgill.ca/oss/article/history/american-plan-win-world-war-ii-incarcerate-promiscuous-women#:~:text=The%20American%20Plan%20was%20a,targeting%20and%20persecuting%20innocent%20women.

Tradition for eons has been that the family patriarch gives his daughter in marriage to another man, thereby transferring his female property to that man. I find much value in telling tradition to go take a long walk off a short cliff.

@lascatx I think most of us are saying it ludicrous to have women’s ’virtue’ symbolized by wearing white. My feeling is that people’s sex lives are no one’s business and white dresses are for whomever wants to wear them.