[Warning-long] I was ready to jump in and say your husband-her son-should be doing more UNTIL...you mentioned he sees his mom every day! I'm in a similar situation; my MIL just turned 90 last week. She lives a couple of blocks away and has dementia; her short term memory is completely shot. She doesn't overtly demand attention as yours is doing, but she has no friends, no activities, no life at all really. So she sits alone all day long. Visits from my husband who stops in twice daily and his brother who comes by weekly are her only contact with the world. What has worked for us is that we divide our commitment to MIL into 'operations' which is my husband's role and 'logistics' which is mine. So for example, he sees her every day, visits, talks, listens to her repeat the same question or phrase, literally, every 2 minutes for the duration of the conversation. I handle the administrative end of her needs: I was the one who figured out how to order copies of her birth certificate needed for ID renewal because she is far too gone to even know she needs one, much less get it. I was the one who advocated for her care, and figured out the billing and financial fallout from the hospital and rehab facilities when she broke her hip-my husband was the one who visited her every single day. I also went to see her but I knew he wouldn't miss a day, and he knew I wouldn't let her be gouged by incorrect charges that would have also freaked out her depression era mind. This balance takes care of her needs and perhaps as importantly it allows each of us to give what we can give best. I am not a patient woman so the dementia-fueled nonsense conversations drive me nuts--not to mention that as her social filters erode she regularly tosses zingers my way with no shame: "Are you wearing THAT to work?" "What happened to your hair? " "I've just never liked professional women". My husband is her adored son and a male. MIL is one of the worst throwbacks to the men-are-gods mindset I've ever met so she never says anything snarky to him. While he doesn't mind answering the same silly question repeatedly, and he is happy to sit and watch tv with her while explaining the plot over and over and over and over, he is terrified and inept at navigating through online or telephone customer service portals and deciphering administrivia paperwork. We also stay in touch with BIL/SIL and try to balance the caretaking with them. Luckily they are both decent people who also want to be sure MIL is ok and it's such a relief not to have it all on our shoulders, although because we're so close we tend to more for her on a daily basis. My husband is a saint, in my book! At this point for your own sanity my advice is pretty simple: stop answering the phone every time she calls. If her own child is visiting *every* *single* *day*, then she isn't left all alone. If she wants or needs more socialization or stimulation then you are actually hindering her taking control of her own life and getting that somewhere-because you are allowing yourself to be used by your MIL in that role. If you are at the point at which you cannot give as much as she is asking of you with grace, it's the sure indicator you need to step back and allow your heart to refill to the point at which you can. Don't try to pour from an empty cup. Just figure out what you can do without resentment, do it and then know in your heart you are doing your best. And please don't lose sight of just what a caring and loving daughter in law you are. Millions of elderly folks live without anyone in their lives. Your MIL is blessed no matter how much or little you handle, whether she knows it or not. Needs also change over time and with elderly relatives the changes are usually more demanding not less. Don't let yourself be drained now because she may well need you at some point for much more than errands and companionship. Taking back your life is going to help her too and taking care of your home and family is going to help your husband, of course. It's not being selfish, it is being wise to stop spreading yourself so thin you are disappearing! Ann

Hi Everyone! So nice to be missed. Thank you all for the kind words. Breezy, not in Europe, but you got the lack of internet right, at the most inopportune time. Meantime, I've been tackling some big projects. I'm always available by e-mail (through My Page). (Even during the big outage, I had my phone. ;) ) I haven't much to add. I don't have any appliances with clearance issues. What I can say is that my single when open 90 degrees has room to spare for removing the racks. The entire cavity is clear and then some. The measure from the edge of the handle to the inside of the door is 3", but the door overlaps the trim. The handle only protrudes about 2". I rarely open the door much past 90 degrees. If you have something big and heavy, you might want to use a barbecue mitt. The door of my toaster oven gets hotter, though. In ultra modern kitchens, they install these flush, where 90 degrees open is the only option, so it really should be adequate.

Hi Eleena, Sorry I missed your message the first time around. I've been caught up in the holiday whirl and don't always look in. The cabinets are all custom made (small local shop, choose the materials, debate the exact sizes kind of custom). The boxes, however, are the standard Euro style full overlay. The part you're calling an inset effect is just chunky framing panels. That was done for style. Usually, people just use the same thickness as their cabinet boxes. My cabinetmaker showed me the chunky ones, which are 3/4" and I really liked the look. That also gives a margin against the wall for hardware (so it won't bang with the door open), which is nice, though not necessary. I'm pretty sure these panels are veneered rather than a solid bamboo product. The boxes, themselves, are maple surfaced plywood. The uppers don't have "light rails" per se because I don't like the look. There is kind of a hybrid between a stabilizing apron and light rail supporting the bottom shelf, with the cabinet door covering the whole thing. Functionally, yes, they are light rails, however, and also hide the plugmold and junction boxes and all. Here are a couple of mid-construction photos, which show better: The lift door hinges are Blum and were purchased by the cabinetmaker. Everything made out of wood was included in the price of the kitchen, including a couple of redos. The very fancy hinges (which are huge) cost beaucoup, but allowed me to have a single panel above each cooler, instead of having to break it up with multiple doors. Worth the money to me. I am, in general, an advocate of function first, rather than looks, but the single lift doors, while they don't really affect function much at all, and if so are probably easier to use than multiples, are one of my big splurge for beauty items (another was an extra couple of hundred dollars so the Advantium wouldn't have a black touch panel (beige instead)). The lights above the sink are cans, and not particularly small. The cans are housed in the cabinet bridge on either side of the heater duct. These particular cans can be either incandescent or halogen (there's a different insert for each), and I would probably use them more if they were incandescent, as planned, but at the last minute the numbers were off for compliance with the California law and they had to be changed out. They're not bad. I just like incandescent light. It's softer. The glass diffusers make a huge difference, however, and when I do use them, I'm thrilled that they're there. I worked with a lighting designer (Brian Brzycki at Walters lighting design gallery) to make sure I could use the kitchen at night without bugging my eyes. These glass diffusers are the kind that are used near showers, et al., to keep out spray, but they also spread the halogen light around and make it more general (more like incandescent). I have these same cans in the corners, by the pantry, and three in the butler's pantry. The glass diffusers also keep the ceiling from having the Swiss cheese look. I hope this helps. :)

I agree with many of the comments here but disagree with many too. First let me say I'm sorry for your troubles, sorry for the pain you've had and are having with this and wish you and your family the best. Now that said and removing some of the emotion, let's look at this a little more rationally: -Yes they were tactless, but does that warrant breaking up a long time and dear friendship? If the friendship means that little, by all means, but it sounds like you DO like these people. When my best friend's wife was expecting, he wanted me to feel the baby kicking. He grabs my hand, puts it on her belly and let's just say I was uncomfortable groping my buddy's wife! BUT, I also said wait a minute, I'm not comfortable with this. Relax bud. She wasn't too excited about it either and made it clear. But I certainly didn't end a friendship over it. -I don't think there's an apology owed by you and I'm not totally sure there's one owed the other way. Are people REALLY supposed to be able to read minds? I fully understand your making an excuse and leaving the room. I think you'd have been much better off to just say something like I can't deal with this right now, with what I've been through lately. -And to compound things, your husband lied to them and said you weren't feeling well. "twere it me who were your husband at that time, I'd have been all over them about insensitivity and explain what was going on in case they didn't know! Fact is, he copped out by saying you didn't feel well. And no, it's not technically true, because he deliberately gave the wrong impression, which is a lie. If anyone owes you and them an apology, I think he does. -Obviously this bothers you, and the whole situation is going to fester. And situations like this will happen again. For your own sake you need to plan how to deal with these situations in the future. -I think a simple explanation and communication is owed, all things considered. They may realize what happened, they may not. Did they believe your husband or know they were being lied to? I'd call and make it brief unless you're comfortable at the time to talk more. If they're truly dear friends: 1) they're owed another chance; and 2) they're owed the truth. Call them and have notes of the points you want to make. Don't be afraid to be emotional, since you likely will be, but practice at least saying a couple points before breaking down. Tell them you had the recent events and this really bothered you to see this and you weren't able to deal with it. If you DO wish them well with their upcoming child, say so, but if you DON'T, don't say it. One of my personal pet peeves is the if you don't know, I'm not going to tell you. Friends are people that can do things and get another chance. Burning bridges for each faux-pas would give few if any people any friends. Don't assume they knew, don't assume they know. But be a friend and give them the truth. If they can't deal with it, they can lie to you, tell you that they can't deal with it or decide if they want a relationship. Again, I'm sorry for what you've been through. I do think you need to seek some help. You're bound to hurt from this for a long time and isolating yourself from family and friends won't do you any good. You should be able to go to them for comfort and help in times like these. But again, they can't read your mind, you'll have to ask. I just looked back and was glad to see that you felt bad that you couldn't share in their joy. TELL THEM THAT! I was glad to see that because that tells me that you value the friendship. You feel bad that you may have hurt them If the situation were reversed I'm sure you'd like to hear that. I'm sure they would. I'm sure they'll feel terrible knowing the situation but I'm also quite sure that they'll want to support and help you. I'm sure they'll also apologize profusely, which deep down I think you'd appreciate. I'm sure I would. I'll say it again, friends owe it to friends to be honest. If a friend lied to you, you'd be hurt. White lies? Often said with good intentions but more often than not, still come back to bite ya. I hope you call them and at least find out where you stand. I think the people who say to write off dear friends are, ... I removed what I was going to say, let's just say I disagree. Best wishes to you and your family no matter your decision on this.