Certainly invite her to join you for Christmas, but if she is unwilling to travel, perhaps set up a Facetime call for Christmas Day between you guys and her.

I think it would be thoughtful if you invited your sister to come to Palm Springs. As you said she may decline but just being invited will show her that you are thinking of her.

Sometimes family relationships change when one spouse dies. Is it possible that your nieces in Austin are assuming that your sister will visit you and Kevin over the holidays? You could also speak with your brother to get his opinion.

Yes, invite her. Im sure it would mean a lot to her. Maybe she will meet people she enjoys at her church. I’m afraid theres not much you can do about the rest of the family. It certainly would be kind of your nieces to include her.

The holidays are lonely times for more people than we sometimes realize because people put on a happy face.

I once kicked a relative into gear by asking ”and what is Aunt M bringing for T’giving?” Yeah, passive agressive I guess, but he should have invited her in the first place and she was expecting it, and it was nearly the holiday.

But, do invite her to Palm Springs. She might surprise you and accept (be prepared for that). She might be ready for a change of scenery and tradition.

My uncle passed away one summer morning, after some months of failing health. My in-laws were visiting, and we invited my aunt over for dinner that evening. She has always said it was just what she needed, conversation drifted between light and deep, smiles and loving looks.

This is my first Thanksgiving not being able to talk to husband on the phone. He passed away in February so it's a little emotional for me. Even though we were separated I miss him.

Assuming someone will decline isn’t a great reason to not extend a thoughtful invitation. She just went through her first lonely holiday, and she may very well feel more willing to travel. And even if she does decline, she should appreciate the invite and you should feel good about having offered.

Re the nieces, if she declines your offer and you have occasion to talk to them, you might casually mention that you’re concerned about her being lonely but she’s not up for visiting you. You’re in a better position to drop a hint if you yourself already tried.

It’s kind of you to be concerned about her. I hope you’re able to help one way or another.

Of course, you and Kevin should invite her to spend a few days with you at Christmas. It would be a good thing for her to get away and be around family who cares about her. I don’t understand why some people feel they need to separate themselves from non-blood relatives after a death. If your sister declines, then you can call someone in Texas and try to ensure she is included in some family get-togethers and dinners during the holidays.

Lars, I just saw this. When you loose those very close to you and you do not want to do anything at all... just the knowledge that others who love you are out there and waiting to have you for the holidays means the world. She would more than likely say no, but just knowing she has options and people who love her will make all the difference to her.

Agreed. It's nice to be asked. And I'm sure you and Kevin would be kind if she did come and was a wet blanket. If your other brother and the nieces and nephews haven't already thought that Auntie will be all alone and should be invited, would talking to them (guilting them) really work? If they invited her and she were feeling down, would they be loving and compassionate without being overly attentive. That is, would they make her feel comfortable and wanted?

Alternatives--some churches have "holiday orphan" groups or adopt an auntie/uncle. If her church doesn't maybe, when she's ready, she can get something like that going. Not just for the big holidays, but also Fourth of July and Arbor Day. Churches also have service days on holidays for people who don't have or want to have holidays with family or friends.

Since your sister is retired, and no longer caring for her husband, does she volunteer for Legal Aid or community legal clinics? She might find a family of friends amongst birds of a feather. Not just now, but when she's feeling more normal, you might suggest these things to her. Or is she likely to just move to Playa del Carmen?

I think it would be kind if you invited her, so she knows she has an option, Consider, too, that sometimes when one loses a spouse and has no children who share that grief with you, It may be better for her (or she may feel it is) to have a low key holiday without feeling like a 5th wheel with family who you never celebrated holidays with. Or to just be able to remove yourself from situations where the memories are strong.

When my husband died (suddenly, at 47), the first few Christmases, I rented a condo overlooking the ocean on the WA coast. It was years ago, before much internet connection and maybe even before we had cell phones - this place had no phones or TV. I just wanted to be by myself and let Christmas pass quietly and return home when it was all over. My friends invited me to our usual celebrations with them (I have no siblings and his only brother lived in CA, so we made our friends into family). After a couple of years, I returned to feeling fine gathering with others.

I would hope she would come to visit you for Christmas. Being in the same ole same ole is very difficult when a spouce dies. Next year the sting of death will be much less and she will be more able to face the holidays in the places they shared. Everyone is different and maybe she will choose to wrestle it out and stay put but at least you've given her an alternative if you invite her. It's good of you to think of her it seems she's not had a lot of that.

Another one who votes for you inviting her.

I too think it would be lovely if you invited your sister. If you want to include her, that is great. Please do not speak to the nieces about this- don't turn your sister into "that aunt" that the next generation gets guilted into taking on. Or the suprise guest to the spouse/inlaws. Especially not during the holiday season when it seems they have already made plans with their spouses. Perhaps in the spring, take some time to suggest some different gathering action in the future. Like invite Mike, your sister, and the nieces and their families to your place for a next big holiday. If you feel you want to include your nieces with your sister, you make the arrangements to kick it off.

Maybe talk to your sister about this. Grief is a weird creature, and it cloaks everyone differently. She might want to come to your invitation, be alone, be with her church, ect. She might need to talk to you a lot, or push you away. Let her know you are emotionally there for her, even if you can't physically be there through the holiday.

A random... food. Holidays often have a lot of it, and memories. If she opts to stay home, and if you can afford it. Offer to send her Christmas week food. It's still early enough to do some mail order and if her area has delivery or local pickup of good holiday food. If she agrees and you know what she likes, just order it. One less pressure, decision, or thing to think about during the holiday for her. If you don't know what she likes, you will have to prod her a bit, but still try to make it easy on her.

Lars, you are so thoughtful. Yes, invite her. I wouldn't mention her to the rest of the family. That might not end well. People don't want pity, they want caring people, like you and Kevin to be in their lives. No one should be left out or left behind. Your the best!

Agreeing that there's no reason not to invite your sister - unless you don't want her to accept.

And FWIW, our Unitarian church does have holiday dinners/gatherings at this time of year. They do a big Thanksgiving meal every year - it's a tradition and well attended, since many members are singletons or far from family, and others enjoy the camaraderie.

I'll talk to Kevin today about inviting her. She did tell me earlier this year that she is ready to travel alone and that she wants to visit Palm Springs, and so there is a chance that she would accept the invitation. I need to work out the dates with Kevin. While there are several direct flights from Austin to LAX, there is still a single nonstop flight from Austin (and back) to Palm Springs that is reasonably priced. At any rate, she could always ride with us between L.A. and Palm Springs - she's done that before and with her husband. It's been four years since she has visited us here, and Christmas is a very good time to visit Palm Springs.

I"ll let you know her response. Lately she's been responding very quickly. I think it would be good for her to get out of Texas sometime during the Christmas holiday, and we will be here during New Year's as well.

I'll let Kevin talk to the nieces about their holidays - I think simply asking them how they were would be sufficient without specifically asking them about our sister. We can also ask the nieces about a Zoom meeting, to get the conversation started.

I think it is lovely that you are planning to have your sister come. Even if she says no the invitation is as important as everyone is saying. If she comes I hope you have a wonderful time and FaceTime is a great idea if she doesn't. Best of luck.

I sent her an invitation - thanks for the encouragement!

I included descriptions of some of the things we could do here if she comes. She's only visited me here once, four years ago in August, right after we bought this house. It's very different here in the winter, which is when most people come here, but it still is not crowded even in winter.

That was very thoughtful of you, Lars! Hope you have a fun and memorable holiday.

What nice news - and glad you overcame your hesitation!

I hope you have a very pleasant time together.

That's great! Hope it's enjoyable for everyone.

You are a kind man, Lars.

Wish I had a brother like you!

What kind gesture.. I am terrible about figuring out what people need from me during hard times. I either do too much or not enough. I think reaching out is so important. I hope you have a lovely visit. And even if not your sister knows you are there for her.

Lovely of you to invite your sister and sounds like she is very eager to come to come to see you. I think in her situation a new tradition might be just what she needs. You are very kind to try to make this holiday season easier on her. I hope it all goes well.

How lovely. I really look forward to time with my brother and sister. We degenerate back to our past LOL. You can all start to make a new chapter of memories for her. XXX

Lars you and Kevin are thoughtful brothers and I hope the three of you have a lovely Christmas.

Great idea and an awfully nice thing to do. I trust you’ll feed her well!

This is really nice to read. I’m betting she needs a break from her current surroundings and also wants to spend time with you both in such a lovely location.

I think this is wonderful and I hope the three of you have a lovely time together.

My sister has not confirmed dates yet, and so she has not yet bought her tickets. I don't know how popular the flights between Austin and Palm Springs are in December, but I do know that December is a heavy time for travel, although maybe not from Austin to here.

The last time Karen and Jack visited us in L.A., I made okonomiyaki for breakfast one morning, which they liked, but Jack told me that when he lived in Japan, okonomiyaki was considered inexpensive street food, although he did eat it often - to save money. Our new friends from down the street told us that street food in general is very inexpensive in Japan. Kevin and I frequently make pizzas here because we have the Ooni oven (I have dough in the fridge at the moment), but we also have a smoker here that Kevin likes to use. The BBQ that we have here is gas, but in L.A. we use the Big Green Egg. We can also get good tamales at Cárdenas, and I think Karen likes those. She generally prefers to eat out, but lately that has gotten expensive.

Given that she's not the one doing the cooking at your place, she might have interesting reasons for preferring to eat out. You make interesting food, and I trust that you're a good cook, so it's not about the food, per se, I don't think. It might be a change of scene, so maybe find some intersting places with tables where you can go out with a picnic lunch? But it might just be that she's much more willing to be picky about the food she's served if she's asking a waiter than her host, especially her brothers who are putting themselves out to make her comfortable. If it's this, perhaps a frank conversation about what she'd like to have or the way she'd like to have it, and how it fits in with what you have and are planning to make. It might be as simple as her favorate fixings for her coffee. Like my friend who says, no, no the blue stuff and milk is just fine when what she really wants is the yellow stuff and vanilla almond cream.

It's a very kind gesture and one that will enrich the lives of all concerned. It's a recent loss and so the landmark events of changed holidays will rub her feelings raw - the best time to reenforce familial support.

Hopefully with time she'll be ready to face memory triggering special events comfortably. I'm far from being an expert but I remember reading that there are different stages of mourning and each needs to be traversed to be able to move forward. Some people have difficulty bringing mourning to an end. It's important to do so when it's right for her but it evolves with the passage of time.

She likes all the food that I make, and since she does not like to cook herself (and loathes grocery shopping), she is happy when someone else does it. However, she also feels compelled to help when I cook, and she is not good at it. She is used to eating most of her meals out, since she has always worked long hours. I think she likes the change of atmosphere and the stimulation of eating out. Also, it cuts down on trips to the grocery store.

I don't think she drinks coffee - neither of our parents did, and we grew up drinking tea, which I make every morning. I've never seen her make coffee at her own house. Kevin drank coffee when he was married, but he has pretty much stopped. Karen really does not like people fussing over her, and I think she prefers being the host rather than the guest. We did not stay with her in Austin in August because she had other guests, but normally we do.

How much we eat out will depend in part by how long she will stay with us.

She may feel like taking you out for some meals as a thank you for hosting her - her contribution to the meals being cooked for her. So, please let her treat if she offers.

I am just seeing this . I am so happy you invited your sister and that she accepted. The first everything after losing someone you love is just so hard. You two brothers are awesome for taking care of your sister. Definitely want to hear all abt the visit!

She bought her tickets yesterday and will be here on Dec 21 and leave Dec 26, which I think is a good amount of time.

When she told me the dates she had picked, I checked the flights and told her that there was only one seat left on the one nonstop flight from Austin to Palm Springs, but she managed to get that seat. Other flights have layovers in Phoenix, Las Vegas, or Dallas and take several hours longer. I was surprised that there was a nonstop flight, but I guess it is popular enough, since it sold out. When I lived in Austin in the late 1980s, there were no direct flights between Austin and LAX, and that was the case until just a few years ago. I usually had to change planes in Phoenix when I went, but once in El Paso.

We do not have Christmas decorations, and so I hope she won't be disappointed with that. However, we plan to go up on Mt San Jacinto, and there ;should be snow there, which should be festive.

There is no snow yet, but there is a good chance there will be some by late December. The above photo was taken Jan 2005.

@Lars - Sorry if you’ve already posted (feel free to link if you have) but I haven’t come across an update on the visit. I did see your ”tantrum” comment and wondered how it’s going or went?

Oh please, that couldn't be more transparent.

The visit went more or less okay, and there was only one or two uncomfortable incidients.

On Friday, we went to see Christmas With the Crawfords in Palm Springs at the Margaritaville Resort with an all drag cast, and she seemed to like it. This was Kevin's idea, and he bought the tickets for this.

On Christmas Day we drove up Mount San Jacinto, and stopped at Lake Fullmor,

Indian Vista Scenic Overlook:

Idyllwild, and Cahuilla Trail:

before driving back:

Da Vall Street, Cathedral City

She said she enjoyed this drive.

On Christmas Eve, I was making tamales and asked Kevin and Karen to help assemble them, and neither of them liked having me tell them how to do it, and so I left the kitchen and let them do it the way they wanted to. It's difficult to mess up tamales, but Kevin made some of them too large, and they would not fit in the steamer, and so this caused a bit of an argument.

I used Pati Jinich's recipe for Black Bean Tamales with Pibil Pork, but I substituted chicken thighs for pork and used fresh masa instead of dried masa, and this caused a bit of difficulty because the masa was so wet and sticky, which made assembling the tamales more difficult than it should have been. We liked the addition of beans to the masa, however.

Karen called me today and said she wanted to send me more gifts, and so I guess she got over whatever bothered her while she was here. She had complained about the house being too cold (It was 72°), and I did not want to turn up the thermostat and make the entire too hot for everyone else. I told her we could light the fireplace, but I was not going to change the thermostat. She then sulked in front of the fireplace until she was sufficiently warm, and Kevin and I did not have to suffer in a too hot house. I can't sleep well if the house is too hot at night.

I imagine she's likely still dealing with grief...?

I think it can be easy to fall into bickering with family, in situations where both host and guest would keep themselves in check more if they were friends. Sounds and looks like you had some nice things to do together and I’d imagine when she looks back at the visit, she's focusing on the good. And the generosity of you extending the invite. You did a good deed!

On the 23rd (or 24th) we went to Joshua Tree National Park and had lunch at the Joshua Tree Saloon, which Kevin and I had been to on Thanksgiving in the past.

Lunch was very good, and then we drove through the park.

I think we got some good photos there, and I'll post some later, as I have not had time to edit them yet.

I'm sure she is still grieving, but she had been planning for her husband's demise for quite some time, and so his death was not a surprise. Still, I know that she is still adjusting to his being gone, and I think she still needs some support. That doesn't mean that she makes it easy to give it to her, however.

I really enjyed reading this. It’s wonderful that you invited her out there and spent time showing her around. I got to Palm Desert not infrequently and I wil have to see about doing some of these things! I am sure she is really thankful. Who knows what was bothering her, but it might have had nothing to do with you. It seems ike when i get together with family, something always happens in a negative light, but we all always get over it and more on. After all family is family.

You probably all have the same type personality that wants to lead things so that can clash. It reminds me of visiting with my sister in Texas they had the A/C on 71 and I thought I was going to freeze to death. It was in July so I had not thought to bring winter clothing so our solution was to find me some warm clothing to wear around the house. My niece found some sweat pants and socks and my sister had a nice sweater to wear. We didn't fight over it though, we have the type personalities that are people pleasers.

Loved the pictures Lars, thanks!

You are a wonderful host.

My sister wrote and thanked me for letting her help with making the tamales! I was a bit surprised by this, but maybe she wanted to learn how to make them, or maybe she just wanted to be more involved.

When I have visited her house in the past, I have let her cook things the way she wants because if I help, then I do things differently than she does. When she cooks, she takes every shortcut possible, and I do the opposite.

For the tamales, I made the filling, which I consider to be the most important part, and this involved poaching chicken thighs with chilies to make a chili chicken broth. I took all of the meat off of the chicken thighs and reserved it, and then put the bones and skin back into the broth and simmered it some more - about an hour and a half. Later, I thickened some of the chicken broth with a roux made with sautéed onion and garlic, and I added achiote paste to it as well as oregano. I added some of this to the chicken and saved some to use as a sauce. Sometimes I add a bit of cumin to it, but I did not this time.

The assembly of the tamales does not involve changing the ingredients, and that's why I asked my sister and Kevin to help. Kevin did not like helping and made the tamales too big so that he would use up the ingredients faster, and this was not good. It is one of the reasons I do not ask for help or want it. At least Karen made them the right size!

My sister wrote and thanked me for letting her help with making the tamales! I was a bit surprised by this, but maybe she wanted to learn how to make them, or maybe she just wanted to be more involved.

Or maybe she was just saying I love you and thanks for including me.

Or maybe she had a lot of fun making the tamales with her brothers. :)

Lars, I think you accomplished what you set out to do, giving your sister an escape from sorrow and a a nice time where she was loved. It was a lovely kindness.

Happy New Year.

Christmas before last, the first Christmas after my husband died, I was alone. It was all very well thought out and rational; I was trying to avoid getting sick before I went to the beach with DD and her family for New Year’s. Even though it seemed like a good idea when the decision was made, I told DD we were not going to do that again. It was really lonely.

You are a good man, Lars. And Kevin sounds like he is too, even if he is a lousy tamale maker. 😉 It was good of the two of you to be sweet to your sister. I hope this will be the beginning of a renewed relationship among you.