Sorry for your unexpected loss. When I was in my 20's my mother died of a sudden heart attack - I got there too late - she'd already had passed.

Now is the time to be extra gentle with yourself. Treat yourself as a wounded child. Have you tried yoga? Find a class to take. It will help with PTSD. Exchange phone numbers with other enthusiasts. Don't isolate yourself. Force yourself to be around people - even if it's just for a quick cup of coffee.

Can you afford a trip to a spa treatment? Go for a massage.

Spring is almost here. Plant something he'd like in his honor and tend to it.

Keep in mind he's not gone...he's gone ahead. You will meet again.

Thank you xminion. I liked your last sentence. That is a comforting way to look at our future together.

I am so sorry. Please, don't rush yourself. This is such an intense grief that it is normal and natural for you to feel such grief even now. My daughter lost her husband last July and even today she says her grief is intense at times. Yes, don't isolate yourself, force yourself to get out and about. Grief lasts a long time. You can't change the past but you have the future to look forward to. Take up a new hobby or join a group that interests you. Best Wishes to you.

I just found this forum, and I can see by the date of the original post some time has passed. How are you doing? I too am in the grieving process and also struggle with the pstd of witnessing my baby brothers passing. I pray God has helped you through this. ((Hugs))

Becky,
I wrote a reply to you,but am concerned if you received it??

It has been a year since I my husband died and I posted my story. I have had nice emails offering me comfort, support and wisdom. Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to write to me. The year has been riddled with wide emotional swings but mostly just sorrow. It was incapacitating at times. The emptiness and silence in the house is still provoking a lingering sadness. I have had 8 months of 1:1 grief therapy in conjunction with a program called GriefShare. This program is available nationally and is a 13 week program to help anyone suffering from the loss of a loved one. I have had to participate for several cycles.

The feedback I have gotten from the leader and mentor through GriefShare is that I am making progress. It's interesting that each time I attend a session, different emotions emerge from different triggers. I still cry/sob at times but generally I can say I am moving forward. As everyone who grieves will attest to, life will NEVER be the same, no matter how much you wish it to be and many of us spend hours, days or weeks wishing we were the one who died or that we had gone with them. God knows, I have struggled with this all year. Death is easy, for the most part, for the one who leaves us. As in my husband's case, he died in his sleep from Ventricular Fibrillation, a fatal heart arrhythmia that is sudden and often in people without any cardiac history. Yes, my wonderful husband was only 56 year old and without any real medical history but he did have contributing factors. Well, my point is that he died quickly, painlessly, and oblivious to the pain his death would cause me. I don't blame him much anymore - that's my attempt at humor. I just think at times that he would have been able to cope with my death easier than I have coped with his. But, live goes on despite our pain. One of the hardest things still for me to deal with emotionally is seeing couples together in any situation but especially during church, meals, movies - anything that we did as a couple. The absence of his touch, the comfort and love that touch provided me. Hearing my friends and acquaintances talk about their marriages and all the things that they are experiencing bring the hurt back into my soul. I really don't begrudge them their happiness. It just highlights the emptiness in mine. Yes, I have friends and family who have helped me through the darkness but it's not the same. I go to the movies (it took me a year to want to see a movie) and there is an empty seat that is hard to ignore. My friend is sitting next to me or even two friends, but there is still that loneliness that never seems to leave. Being alone with everyone around is excruciating.

So, as time has marched on and my life has evolved into a journey I would never imagined, I start to thaw a little. Just a little. We were only married 18 months before he died so we were "old newlyweds" and just starting our happy lives together - after years of oppression from previous spouses. It isn't fair. For any of us, whether married years and years or for those not even married. We are part of a club that has nothing but unwanted members.

I will forever be changed by this and unlike many others, I have always been an outgoing, take life for all it is type of gal. Jay and I shared this spirit of life so it's hard for me to re-invent myself to enjoy life. The joy of life stopped on February 3, 2014. Would this journey have been easier if we hadn't been so happy? How do unhappy couples cope with death? I don't know the answer but there is a lot of guilt in either situation I'm guessing. Despite our happiness, there are many things I said that I wish I could take back, many things I had wanted to say and wish I had said...but I need to let that all go. It isn't constructive.

So, please write again and let me know how life is now for you, where you are in your journey. I do care about your pain and hope you are finding some sort of peace.

Becky

Becky, I found your story and was compelled to write. So many similarities - we both came out of challenging marriages and He was the love of my life. He was in his 40's when he died suddenly- like you in front of me. The guilt around that engulfs me.

your last post was a year ago- how are you? How is life?

Hi jcsgirl, I hope things have gotten a little easier for you but if your like I am probably not. It will be 5 yrs in Aug. for me and it is still so hard. I do ok and try to move on but I want my old life back. I don't think that will ever change. I am so sorry for you loss. If I can help in any way let me know. Have you tried Daily Strength

It is a online group for widows & widowers just to talk about things. I did the grief share and Hospice but not much helped me. We just have to put one foot in front of the other and keep moving. It will get easier but never the same.

I lost two people like JCS describes--no prior signs at all, they were here and fine one moment and gone the next. This is a very difficult loss to get your head and heart around, particularly because you can't say goodbye or make sure they knew you loved them. Most likely, they probably did! But also if you haven't lost someone in this way, take this as a cautionary tale to never miss an opportunity to tell someone how much you love them, and don't sweat stuff with small angers and hurts towards people you really love, because in the grand scheme of things what seems so important to your ego now will probably not be in the future when you look back.

JCS it sounds like you had a great relationship, not unlike mine with my current SO, we found each other in our 50's. We sort of get that we have limited time together. Hopefully you have come to some kind of peace with what happened, because I felt the same way when I lost my mom kaboom in a matter of hours with no goodbye. Absolutely shell shocked! I also hope that you found a support group of some kind, that helps tremendously. But also I hope that by reading posts on here, you can get some perspective that there is no grand justice in the world where good things always happen to good people and we get what we deserve. Life is terrible and wonderful at the same time. The best we can hope for is to try and keep a balance between the terrible and wonderful within ourselves, allowing ourselves to feel and grieve over the terrible but focusing on the wonderful too and nurturing that while we are still here.

Jcsgirl im wondering if you still comment on this blog because my experience is very much like yours but only happened 20 days ago and I would like to talk to you or know you are here still .. I feel very lost and desperate and i feel guilt that he died in my arms and I was gonna go to nursing school years ago and I didn’t and thought if I had I could’ve saved him . I have so much going in my head and I’m scared .. we also had just moved into a new place. I have to move out by end of month I don’t want to go back there . My friends are very understanding and I’m very alone.. i just want to talk to people that feel what feel . I’m living in others houses and couch surfing and I’m scared for my future. But my head cant think of anything but that day ... if anyone out there could talk with me who understands this pain please write back

J9

This story was so similar to mine it's actually kind of scary in and of itself - from his age (I am much younger than he was), pulling him onto the floor to try CPR (and failing), and even being married only 17 months in our case - this gives me hope I can even make it 8 months through this grief (it happened 5 weeks ago). I hope you're doing okay. This is the worst possible thing that could have happened in my world and it's hard to see anything else right now. We were lucky to have found so much love in each other even if it wasn't even close to long enough.

Wow! It's been 8 years for you. 5 weeks for me. I , too, am a RN. My husband and I were having a conversation and laughing, after dinner on Valentines Day. He was being treated for an enlarged heart. A family trait. He went to his cardiologist frequently, took his meds, walked the track. Ate junk too. Anyway, he belched and closed his eyes. I asked him if he was okay. Then repeated my question. No response. I walked over, shook him, tapped his cheeks, then listed for a heartbeat. None. I got him off the sofa, onto the floor, started CPR, while waiting for EMS, who my adult daughters called. They got a heartbeat and shallow breathing, took him to the ER. Being 90 minutes out, extensive brain damage. He passed 2/16/22. I was about to return to the hospital to sit with him. My daughters and I are absolutely shattered. I already had PTSD from 9/11. I keep feeling as if somewhere I dropped the ball. Did I not move fast enough? Crazy thought s of wondering why I didn't have O2 and a defibrillator on hand at home. Maybe my technique was faulty? Why did I not see the signs leading up to this? Now, I'm dealing g w insurance companies, bills bcs he did them via computer. I prefer mail in! Getting my daughters' names onto my accounts, medical coverage bcs we were under his. I have so much difficulty sleeping, eating, etc. We were together for 32 yrs, married for 27. He, like your husband is 56.

My parents are beyond devastated as well. I can't see getting over this EVER! He was my soul mate, the love of my life, just a beautiful man.

I'm seeing this 8 years later and I want to scream and cry for you. I haven't truly grieved. I fear never climbing out of this free fall. I pray that you have been able to find your peace. I was looking for guidance, when I came across your article. I have thanked God for entrusting me with my love for 32 years. I have thanked God that his heart attack hit while at home and not out in the street or while driving. I consider myself blessed that I didn't wake up in the middle of the night, while he was in the living room, as usual, watching TV, to find him gone and cold. None of this takes away the pain and devastation caused by the unexpected passing of a spouse. My payers go out to you. God Bless.

Don't let people tell you how to grieve. My wife passed and the day I stop grieving is when we meet again. I feel your PAIN. You'll be with your husband again in HEAVEN but our wait here on earth seems forever. 🙏🙏🏼🙏🏻💔💔